Author SusanChess Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 You're right, it's not rocket science. This statement really has me worried: "Since I don't think dating is that much of a big deal, it makes me wonder why your reflex is to want to hide your feelings for him. What do you want out of all this?" He's tried everything at this point, and yet I haven't responded. I've been telling myself that it's some combination of inexperience and fear of repeating past mistakes that's holding me back, but suppose I'm wrong about this? I mean, where was the risk in situations like him saying that he thought we have something between us? And yet, I made fun of him and hurt his feelings rather than just saying some variant of "yes, I think you might be right." By rights, he never should have spoken to me again after the crack I made. Perfect example from the last time we hung out: We were sitting outside talking about how sneaky and two-faced this mutual acquaintance is. So then I said something about how you can never be completely sure of what someone's real motivations are, and that makes it very hard to trust people. Then he got this really serious look on his face and said "You do know where I'm coming from, don't you?" I didn't respond (of course, since it's me. Anyone else would have had it out right then and there.) So then a couple of minutes go by and he points up at the sky. He said, "look, that's a little too bright to be a star right? What do you think that is?" I said, "I guess it's probably a planet." "Oh yeah? Which planet?" "Um . . . Venus?" So then he pointed over to another bright point. "And what do you think that is?" "Mars?" So then he started looking really deeply into my eyes and eventually started leaning forward . . . and then I looked down because I was embarrassed. See what I mean? Of course, I could be wrong and he just likes pointing out planets in starry skies. If you think that's the case, let me know that too. I'm pulling this post forward in the hopes that someone has some additional insights . . .
Jilly Bean Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I see what you're saying. I actually don't find that it bothers me in most of my interactions, however, I am a bit concerned about how all of this might impact this one situation. Well, it's not really this one situation, it would be all your romantic interactions, correct? I know I have had to overcome huge relationship hurdles, and I still make mistakes and screw up, but I have done a lot of work in therapy to even get to where I am now. Nothing wrong in getting some help along the way...
Author SusanChess Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 What was going on in your head at that moment? What were you embarassed about? Or afraid of? There is something that is blocking you from enjoying romance the same way most of us would. I still think it is linked to the way you think about yourself. I wonder if you believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with you which disqualifies you for romance? You're going to have to fight your negative thoughts about yourself really hard Susan, to allow this man to offer you something beautiful. You're going to have to let it happen: call when you say you will, pick up the phone when he calls, and lean in when he wants to kiss you. Sorry, I think we posted at the same time. Well, at first when he did things like that I thought he was making fun of me. Then I started to think he was making some sort of mistake. Now it's more like "what does he want me to do? I'm going to mess this up, I know I am" . . . and then I do. Inevitably later, sometimes seconds later I realize that he was serious. Usually because of the look on his face. For some reason I can't make that connection when it counts though.
Author SusanChess Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Well, it's not really this one situation, it would be all your romantic interactions, correct? I know I have had to overcome huge relationship hurdles, and I still make mistakes and screw up, but I have done a lot of work in therapy to even get to where I am now. Nothing wrong in getting some help along the way... Sort of . . . usually I would never let things get to this point though. Actually, there's only been one exception to this rule besides the guy this thread is about. What's amazing is that most of what you guys have been saying and advising me today could also apply to that exception. He has almost exactly the same issues as I do, to a slightly lesser degree. It was kind of weird seeing that play out. I'll definitely consider the therapy idea.
Racquel Colette Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I think you are imagining his romantic interest, to be honest. You said he probably wanted the pretty, thin girls. Your instinct is usually right. Seriously, a guy will let you know he likes you. There isn't this confusion going on.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I think you are imagining his romantic interest, to be honest. You said he probably wanted the pretty, thin girls. Your instinct is usually right. Seriously, a guy will let you know he likes you. There isn't this confusion going on. Have you, perchance, recently been rejected very explicitly? Because there's nothing else I can think of that would account for your extreme and unwarranted bitterness toward the OP.
sb129 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Have you, perchance, recently been rejected very explicitly? Because there's nothing else I can think of that would account for your extreme and unwarranted bitterness toward the OP. And the rest. No one is safe.
Jilly Bean Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Sort of . . . usually I would never let things get to this point though. Actually, there's only been one exception to this rule besides the guy this thread is about. What's amazing is that most of what you guys have been saying and advising me today could also apply to that exception. He has almost exactly the same issues as I do, to a slightly lesser degree. It was kind of weird seeing that play out. I'll definitely consider the therapy idea. Cool. What I guess I am getting at, is that I think it's awesome everyone is validating your current circumstances and offering advice and suggestions on this guy, but I think it's important to examine the pathology behind your actions, because without doing that, we are doomed to repeat patterns with less than satisfactory results. I ought to know - I'm sometimes caught on my own hamster wheel in certain situations. Which is when it's important to dig deeper to the cause of the actions.
Racquel Colette Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 No. Just being honest. SusanChess stated herself about the pretty girls thing, and it simply is a fact that men let you know if they like you, no confusion. They ask you out. Nothing's happening here. SusanChess hasn't had a boyfriend before so it is difficult for her to know this guy isn't interested.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Well, it's good that you know how every man reacts in every possible situation! Unfortunately, she's stated that he's asked her out several times, so I don't see how you can argue this. It just makes you look catty and jealous.
Racquel Colette Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 No, I'm just helping her to be realistic. I really don't think she's read him that well.
sb129 Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 No, I'm just helping her to be realistic. I really don't think she's read him that well. Not sure that "helping" is the operative word when posts have an air of condescension and are insulting. Not to mention have that standard "Hes Not That Into You" gem that so many other of your posts have. They don't come across as overly sincere.
BeautifulMystique Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 I think you are imagining his romantic interest, to be honest. You said he probably wanted the pretty, thin girls. Your instinct is usually right. Seriously, a guy will let you know he likes you. There isn't this confusion going on. You have been reading too much of "He's not that into you" book. You do realize it doesn't apply to every relationship, don't you? A guy will let a girl know that he likes her, not verbally but he will by action and from what OP's guy has showed, he seemed interested in her. Doesn't matter what her size is, the guy probably has a change of heart about sizes.
Author SusanChess Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 Ok, so I just got off the phone with him and everything's fine! Thank you to everyone who had helpful things to say. (And thank you also to those people who pointed out those who didn't ) I really do appreciate it and I did a lot less worrying this week than I would have otherwise.
Recommended Posts