I should wait to call, right??

[Krytie TV]

Also, do you all feel comfortable posting all the relevant details of your relationship problems here? Has anyone seen a situation where someone's IRL friends or the person being discussed found the thread? (I also started a thread on this topic in the "watercooler section.)

 

I have had the subject of a thread discover me on here. It happens, though not often, surely.

[Kamille]

I have had the subject of a thread discover me on here. It happens, though not often, surely.

 

Yeah and since Krytie was discovered, I've been a lot more careful about what I post here.

 

Although there was something about your username right Krytie? (He changed username since then).

[sb129]

Yeah and since Krytie was discovered, I've been a lot more careful about what I post here.

 

Although there was something about your username right Krytie? (He changed username since then).

 

To something TOTALLY different...

[SusanChess]

Oh no!! I guess I'm doing the right thing then. My username is completely random, but still I dont want so many details out there that a friend glancing through the site would instantly know it was me and I'd have no leg to stand on in saying it wasn't.

 

By the way, I hope you all aren't upset but I changed some of the details in this thread just in case something like that were to happen.

 

One of the details I'm really sorry about, because it changed the whole thread once I put it in. I was really sort of half-joking since I was kind of embarrassed about my little self-pity party once a couple of people called me on it, but once someone took it seriously I figured I was just kind of stuck with it.

[sb129]

Ah, I think if someone I knew had the inclination to read through all 2,900 of my posts (as if they could be bothered!) they would know hands down its me. In fact, my ex trawled dating sites looking for me, I wouldn't be surprised if he found me here. (Hi A hole! ((waves)))

 

I have details of my job, my ex, my fiance, my fiances job, all sorts of stuff on here.

I have nothing to hide, my fiance knows I post on here.

 

My name address, phone number and bank details are safe.

[Racquel Colette]

You mean if he called right now? No, I wouldn't pick up. I guess one detail that I didn't emphasize is that I'm a full tme college student. I'm also trying hard to maintain my 3.9 GPA so I can go on to a PhD program in my field. At the same time, I'm a research assistant with two different groups within my department, plus I have a part-time job. So, I spend a lot of time studying, in class, or working. Even now my phone is turned off because I'm in the main library trying to catch up from the days' worth of studying I missed from being sick. My phone's off most of the day for one reason or another. So that on top of me hating to talk on the phone anyway makes it very unlikely that I would pick up.

 

So no, he rarely bothers with the cell phone unless we're just about to get together and he needs to make a quick change. If he needs to talk to me, he usually has enough courtesy to wait until the weekend and call me at work (I have one of those jobs that isn't all that demanding, thank goodness!) At least he's not as bad as he used to be when I worked more hours and we worked together. One of his worst habits was going home and then calling me at work to talk about nothing at all. Drove me absolutely up the wall, and it took me finally saying how much I hated it when my friends did that to me for him to cut it out.

 

If you're so busy that you can't even take phone calls whatsoever, then how do you have time to post all of this on this thread?

[SusanChess]

Ah, I think if someone I knew had the inclination to read through all 2,900 of my posts (as if they could be bothered!) they would know hands down its me. In fact, my ex trawled dating sites looking for me, I wouldn't be surprised if he found me here. (Hi A hole! ((waves)))

 

I have details of my job, my ex, my fiance, my fiances job, all sorts of stuff on here.

I have nothing to hide, my fiance knows I post on here.

 

My name address, phone number and bank details are safe.

 

Maybe that's the way I need to look at it. Besides, the worst that could happen is that I'd be a little embarrassed at having my feelings "outed" a few weeks earlier than expected.

[Jilly Bean]

If you're so busy that you can't even take phone calls whatsoever, then how do you have time to post all of this on this thread?

 

LOL. Too funny, and too true. Not to sound bitchy, Chess, but she's right. You're clearly online all day, so, why not take a phone call while killing time?

[Star Gazer]

LOL. Too funny, and too true. Not to sound bitchy, Chess, but she's right. You're clearly online all day, so, why not take a phone call while killing time?

 

I hate to admit it, but I agree.

[Trialbyfire]

Ah, I think if someone I knew had the inclination to read through all 2,900 of my posts (as if they could be bothered!) they would know hands down its me. In fact, my ex trawled dating sites looking for me, I wouldn't be surprised if he found me here. (Hi A hole! ((waves)))

 

I have details of my job, my ex, my fiance, my fiances job, all sorts of stuff on here.

I have nothing to hide, my fiance knows I post on here.

 

My name address, phone number and bank details are safe.

Love it. You tell him girlfriend.

[SusanChess]

LOL. Too funny, and too true. Not to sound bitchy, Chess, but she's right. You're clearly online all day, so, why not take a phone call while killing time?

 

No harm, no foul Jilly Bean and Star Gazer. If you look at the actual post though, I explained it there.

 

My phone is off for most of the day because I'm either in research labs, in class, or in the library. It's typically on at other times.

 

Like everyone in my major, and a good portion of the people at my university, I might as well be surgically attached to my laptop. In class, in labs, in the library, plus home use and keeping up on school, work, and personal emails . . . . kinda scary now that I think about it.

 

In any event, I never said that I was "so busy that can't even take phone calls whatsoever." That would be yet another misinterpretation from the self-help queen that for some reason can't manage to help herself in her own dating dilemmas. Even in the post she quoted I said it was "unlikely" that I would answer a call, not impossible.

 

Digging back to two days ago (!) where the post originally occurred, I was responding to a question of something like "so if he called you today you wouldn't answer?" Therefore I responded, "You mean if he called right now? . . . "

 

I guess I should be flattered to have a "thread stalker." I've never had one before, especially one that goes back through two days worth of posts only to pull out a quote that still doesn't prove her point. Poor thing . . .

[Racquel Colette]

I'm not. You just don't like it that I got you and others agreed. LOL

[SusanChess]

If possible, I'd like to revisit this issue. It kind of got lost in the shuffle (and that was my fault since my post immediately following brought up another issue entirely:

 

Let me ask you all this, though: how do I not "keep him on the back burner?" As I've said in passing, my ultimate interest in all of this is for him to be happy/not to be hurt by something I do out of fear, ignorance, or carelessness.

 

I've been criticized IRL both for "stringing him along" and for being too harsh in "rejecting" him. It seems like every time I resolve to try to cut ties on that level and behave more "coldly", it just makes him try harder until I reconsider (or whatever the problem was evaporates.)

 

So we've wound up in this back-and-forth situation where he starts flirting with me more, I encourage him, he gets excited and makes his move, something spooks me and I "reject" him, and we start all over.

 

However, I am determined that next time we're going to break this cycle one way or the other, and even if that means we end up not going out. My circumstances have changed, and there's now no external reason why we can't give dating a try.

 

Also, I need to correct the impression that I've left. When I said that I wasn't ready to pursue a relationship right now, I meant that I wanted to wait until after finals. So in a month I'd like to start something.

[Racquel Colette]

It's not you keeping him on the backburner, he just isn't interested in you in a romantic way. Has he asked you out on a date for this Friday? if not, well, then, he isn't that into you. I think you have misinterpreted the situation that he likes you in that way because of lack of experience with dating.

[Kamille]

My point about the backburner has to do with 1) what's fair for him and 2) what's healthy for you.

 

Not keeping someone on the back burner is taking responsibility for your emotions, being clear on where you stand with them - mostly through actions (like say by calling when you say you will or not saying you're going to call when you know there is a chance that you won't).

 

Healthy for you: You have been writing on LS about this guy since you got here. And I know that's not so long ago but I've always found that crushing on someone exclusively for an extended period of time can be draining. It's mind-consuming.

 

I know elements of your past make it so you likely feel vulnerable when it comes to dating, but the thing is, there is no big secret to it. Dating is getting to know somebody with romantic intentions. It allows two people to see if they are match for a long term relationship.

 

When I read this thread I get the impression that I am reading a Jane Austen novel, where the premium is on not revealing each other's emotions until there is a big climax (pardon the pun) at the end.

 

I've hardly ever seen that in real life, and certainly, I've never seen big love revelations (that which I have received, performed and heard of) transform into a sustainable relationship.

 

Since I don't think dating is that much of a big deal, it makes me wonder why your reflex is to want to hide your feelings for him. What do you want out of all this? You consider that the two of you would be great in a relationship? Well you need to start somewhere, and somewhere non- threatening and dating - and calling when you say you will- is it. You're not going to wake up one day magically in a healthy relationship with this guy. That's only going to happen if you follow through on the small things that make a relationship feasible, such as, again, agreeing to dates and picking up the phone when he calls. You might even find, after a couple of weeks, that he isn't exactly what you would want in a partner.

 

Yeah that's it. I think long drawn out crushes run the risks of making us focus too much on the big picture at the cost of the small details that make the whole difference in relationships.

[SusanChess]

 

You're right, it's not rocket science.

 

This statement really has me worried: "Since I don't think dating is that much of a big deal, it makes me wonder why your reflex is to want to hide your feelings for him. What do you want out of all this?"

 

He's tried everything at this point, and yet I haven't responded. I've been telling myself that it's some combination of inexperience and fear of repeating past mistakes that's holding me back, but suppose I'm wrong about this?

 

I mean, where was the risk in situations like him saying that he thought we have something between us? And yet, I made fun of him and hurt his feelings rather than just saying some variant of "yes, I think you might be right." By rights, he never should have spoken to me again after the crack I made.

 

Perfect example from the last time we hung out:

 

We were sitting outside talking about how sneaky and two-faced this mutual acquaintance is. So then I said something about how you can never be completely sure of what someone's real motivations are, and that makes it very hard to trust people. Then he got this really serious look on his face and said "You do know where I'm coming from, don't you?" I didn't respond (of course, since it's me. Anyone else would have had it out right then and there.)

 

So then a couple of minutes go by and he points up at the sky. He said, "look, that's a little too bright to be a star right? What do you think that is?" I said, "I guess it's probably a planet." "Oh yeah? Which planet?" "Um . . . Venus?"

 

So then he pointed over to another bright point. "And what do you think that is?" "Mars?"

 

So then he started looking really deeply into my eyes and eventually started leaning forward . . . and then I looked down because I was embarrassed.

 

See what I mean?

 

Of course, I could be wrong and he just likes pointing out planets in starry skies. If you think that's the case, let me know that too.

[sb129]

It's not you keeping him on the backburner, he just isn't interested in you in a romantic way. Has he asked you out on a date for this Friday? if not, well, then, he isn't that into you. I think you have misinterpreted the situation that he likes you in that way because of lack of experience with dating.

 

 

Are you getting commission from sales of that book or what?

 

How many threads have you mentioned it on now?

[Jilly Bean]

You know what I think, Susan? And I am going to be painfully blunt here.

 

I think you are clearly a VERY intelligent and articulate woman. Probably moreso than most people in the same room as you at any given moment.

 

However, I also think you have some very serious and deep relationship challenges. Now trust me, I am FAR from being perfect in this arena, but I do put myself fully into the game. I am not trying to be accusatory here, as I know you may get very defensive, but you seem to have the relationship maturity of a 7-year old, but it is veiled under the guise of your intelligent rhetoric and rationalizations. Bottom line, I think all of your behavior is quite odd and out of line for a woman of your age, and it begs the question if you have suffered some type of early abuse to make you so skittish, standoffish and generally paralyzed about relationships.

 

Again, not trying to rile you up here, Ms. Chess, just pointing out something that I think a lot of us are wondering...

 

Peace...

[SusanChess]

You know what I think, Susan? And I am going to be painfully blunt here.

 

I think you are clearly a VERY intelligent and articulate woman. Probably moreso than most people in the same room as you at any given moment.

 

However, I also think you have some very serious and deep relationship challenges. Now trust me, I am FAR from being perfect in this arena, but I do put myself fully into the game. I am not trying to be accusatory here, as I know you may get very defensive, but you seem to have the relationship maturity of a 7-year old, but it is veiled under the guise of your intelligent rhetoric and rationalizations. Bottom line, I think all of your behavior is quite odd and out of line for a woman of your age, and it begs the question if you have suffered some type of early abuse to make you so skittish, standoffish and generally paralyzed about relationships.

 

Again, not trying to rile you up here, Ms. Chess, just pointing out something that I think a lot of us are wondering...

 

Peace...

 

No, no, I couldn't be less offended. Even I'm saying that my behavior is odd and weirdly immature.

 

As far as early abuse . . . I'm not sure of exactly what sort of things you might be referring to? If you give me some examples, I'll try to fill in the blanks.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Racquel Colette, I have to point out that I've never seen someone make so many distatseful, rude, illogical responses to a single topic.

 

1) If he doesn't call you, he isn't into you--okay, so you've read a book ( a book the certainly doesn't apply to every situation and every realtionship)--good for you! But as the OP said, he has called her, so why do you keep harping on that? Does he need to call her every single day in order to be "into" her? Hurry, go check the index!!

2) Comparing the OP to someone with Down's Syndrome? Did you know ad hominem is usually used by people who are too unintelligent to think of valid responses?

[Jilly Bean]

Well ok, then. If you acknowledge your behavior is a little off the mark, what do YOU make of that? Is it concerning to you at all? Do you wish it were different?

 

Often, when children (girls) have suffered sexual abuse they act out as adults in a variety of ways. Extreme weight gain, promiscuity, dysfunctional relationships, etc. Emotional abuse can make someone act out differently - if they had, say, attachment disorder, then it would become difficult to form normal pair bonds, or to even navigate the nuances of romantic relationships.

[SusanChess]

OK, I think I see what you're asking.

 

I don't remember being sexually abused.

 

"Emotional abuse" has always been a nebulous concept for me, but the following might be relevant even if these things don't meet the criteria:

 

--I was never physically abused. However, for a brief period of time my mother did get into the habit of whipping me with a hard hair brush. She stopped doing that, but one weird thing that was always pretty consistent was that she would always make me smile in order for the whipping to stop. I never quite got that.

 

--my parents were very strict in their religious observance and believed that my whole focus should be on religion as well. That meant that if I started to like something else "too much" then it would be taken away. For example, I went to a party with some other kids from my religion and everyone was telling stories. Since I hardly ever went to those things and no one had ever asked me to tell a story before, I made up one using my favorite characters from some tv shows. Naturally, I was no longer allowed to watch those shows. I also wasn't allowed to go to any parties for a year. I also got into trouble for reading about favorite rock stars, etc.

 

--My family's religion is very apocalyptic (or was when I was growing up) and believes that everyone outside the religion will die horribly when God destroys and remakes the world. And that was always perpetually going to happen like three hours from now. So, that always made it hard to get close to anyone outside the religion. Which was fine because you weren't supposed to do that anyway. Oh, and if you did, and they did end up dying horribly because they didn't convert, that would be your fault. Conversely, I never really got close to those inside the religion because I always held a grudge against them for being so insular as well as shunning certain members of the religion. Even now I'm polite but distant with all but a handful of people outside work and immediate family.

 

--I spent a significant amount of time as a teenager grounded. When I say grounded, I mean that when I got home from school I had to go straight to my room. For a while, this meant that I just read a lot. Then my parents figured out that they weren't really "punishing" me so I wasn't allowed to read either. So, I just stared at the walls a lot.

 

Let me know if this isn't what you were looking for.

[Jilly Bean]

Well, Susan, it's not what I am looking for, it is if YOU are looking for some self-discovery from going down this road.

 

I am not a therapist, and wouldn't even venture to offer clinical advice, however, I will say that certainly some things in your social makeup have contributed to your current behavior. Again, if you find it odd, or even debilitating, then I strongly suggest you seek professional help to uncover the reasons behind the current actions.

 

Best...

[SusanChess]

I see what you're saying. I actually don't find that it bothers me in most of my interactions, however, I am a bit concerned about how all of this might impact this one situation.

[Kamille]

So then he started looking really deeply into my eyes and eventually started leaning forward . . . and then I looked down because I was embarrassed.

 

 

What was going on in your head at that moment? What were you embarassed about? Or afraid of?

 

There is something that is blocking you from enjoying romance the same way most of us would.

 

I still think it is linked to the way you think about yourself. I wonder if you believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with you which disqualifies you for romance?

 

You're going to have to fight your negative thoughts about yourself really hard Susan, to allow this man to offer you something beautiful. You're going to have to let it happen: call when you say you will, pick up the phone when he calls, and lean in when he wants to kiss you.