Author carrotgirl Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 HA HA HA HA HA. Oh there are perhaps no two people I respect so well who spank SO well! Have I thanked you for it today? Thanks! I'd say one girl's feast another girl's famine but I'm not starving. I'm learning good stuff safely. I have nothing to lose by taking this path and so far, two steps forward one step back and repeat in terms of my evolution. I'm more than okay with that. What is it you want for me that you think I spurn? Carrot
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Play with me carrot. How about a quick multiple choice questionnaire? Okay?
Author carrotgirl Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 Why not? If I take offense or my head starts spinning around, you'll know about it soon enough!
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 What does your ex want from you? a) A romantic relationship with love/friendship/companionship. b) A friendship with love/companionship. What is your ex getting from you? a) A romantic relationship with love/friendship/companionship. b) A friendship with love/companionship. What do you want from your ex? a) A romantic relationship with love/friendship/companionship. b) A friendship with love/companionship. What are you getting from your ex? a) A romantic relationship with love/friendship/companionship. b) A friendship with love/companionship.
Author carrotgirl Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 Add to the end of every sentence: right now. What does your ex want from you? a) A romantic relationship with love/friendship/companionship. b) A friendship with love/companionship. b What is your ex getting from you? a) A romantic relationship with love/friendship/companionship. b) A friendship with love/companionship. b What do you want from your ex? a) A romantic relationship with love/friendship/companionship. b) A friendship with love/companionship. a & b What are you getting from your ex? a) A romantic relationship with love/friendship/companionship. b) A friendship with love/companionship. b
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 So your ex wants a friendship with love and companionship and you're giving it to him. You want a romantic relationship with love/friendship and companionship but he's only giving a friendship with love and companionship. Does this seem equitable? Do you see any settling going on here?
Author carrotgirl Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 Since the friendship as it is right now is satisfying right now, no, I'm not settling. As for equitable. Shame. There are no equals in love or any other relationship. People are in motion. Thoughts and feelings are in motion. It's not like there is some static standard of measure for all time. Come on. Someone is always more or less of something, feels more or less, at any given time. Carrot
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 carrot, now you're justifying. If you're happy with this situation, it really is your life how much you're willing to give v. receive. From what you've posted, you don't seem very happy. So...how do you propose to make yourself happy?
Author carrotgirl Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 I humbly beg to disagree. I'm struggling with certain aspect of the relationship but why does learning to appreciate something other than courtship mean I am justifying or settling? I just don't see it that way. If you're really hungry for a pepperoni and sausage pizza tonight and the shop is out of pepperoni, do you decide to forego pizza all together even though you would very much enjoy having the sausage pizza? Do you stop visiting that shop forever just because it couldn't offer you what you wanted tonight? Those are perfectly fine choices for YOU to make. But maybe I'll just have the sausage pizza. Maybe if I really need the pepperoni too, I'll stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy pepperoni and slice some onto the sausage pizza to get the taste I crave. Why make big problems out of little problems? Carrot
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 If the shop continues to be out of pepperoni every single time you go there, would you continue going there, with the hopes that someday, they will stock pepperoni?
AriaIncognito Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 All this pizzza talk is making me want pizza. Carrot, I am gonna be me, and you know I'm blunt, but I know you can take it. One day, you're going to be done with him. Fed up. Tired of the ups and downs. Tired of the questions and the thinking and the wondering. When that day comes, you'll set him free. Then, some day beyond then, you'll come back here and read what you've been writing, and say "oh my goodness, i was totally settling with him and justifying his actions and changing what I wanted based on what he would give instead of what I wanted". When that day comes, you find TBF and I, and we all go out for drinks. :bunny:
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Fed up is a good way of putting it, ariawoman. That's what it takes. If that day comes, I will be more than happy to pony up for the drinks.
Author carrotgirl Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 Hence the right now parameter. Since I'm not paying for pepperoni I'm not getting, what say we wait and see if forever will be the case? But unreliable to base forever on a change riddled 2 months. Maybe in another few months things will be different
AriaIncognito Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Hence the right now parameter. Since I'm not paying for pepperoni I'm not getting, what say we wait and see if forever will be the case? But unreliable to base forever on a change riddled 2 months. Maybe in another few months things will be different Putting it in another way... A healthy relationship, romantic or platonic, won't send you running to the forums as often as this one is, either. Relationships, while they do require work, there's a limit to which you should work or just cut your losses. I'd say get the books out now and start balancing.
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 We're not doing this to hurt you carrot. We're giving you unbiased third party observations. If anything, I think both ariawoman and I like you, so if there's a bias in anyway, it's a matter of concern. Do what you feel is right for you...not your ex.
AriaIncognito Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Carrot - I want to invite you to read the mental state I was in less than a year ago. Normally I wouldn't post a link to a thread in a reply, but I feel like since you know the NOW me, that maybe it would help you to read the emotional crap I was putting myself through, which was similar to yours. The below link is to one post of many that I had of this same nature. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110825/ I hope this will help in some way.
Author carrotgirl Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 We're not doing this to hurt you carrot. We're giving you unbiased third party observations. If anything, I think both ariawoman and I like you, so if there's a bias in anyway, it's a matter of concern. Do what you feel is right for you...not your ex. I'm not hurt. Quite the opposite. It's a great gift to know you both care enough to challenge me. Sometimes I choose to engage and dialog with you about your concerns. Sometimes I don't feel a need or sometimes I need to consider privately. Different needs at different times. I appreciate the wisdom everyone places before me. It would be a pretty big waste of human experience to insist that each person must learn every lesson for herself directly. I read and consider and reconsider. I reserve the right to disagree, challenge you right back and of course, change my mind later! I'd like to address one thing Aria suggested that I disagree with and that's the idea that a healthy relationship won't have me seeking guidance, support, even just an outlet for expression as often as I've been reaching out here. I find this implication dangerous and misleading, that healthy relationships don't or shouldn't inspire this wide range of emotions and need for assistance. I think the reality is opposite, at least for me. It is easier for me to be happy without self introspection but I'm finding that this is also somewhat shallow and in my case, belies an insular, albeit innocently so, nature. This insular nature has, evidently, been perceived as lack of caring and commitment. I think this is probably the case with all of my relationships, romantic and otherwise. I'm taking what I think I need. Since my ability to function, cope, learn and grow is extending, not contracting with the help of everyone here, this is good and healthy for me. Of course, people reading are reading what I'm sharing and that isn't all of the happenings. I gain two significant things (and there are others) from the forum, the voices of many to guide and support even when I'm not posting and the keepers of history, passive and active, where I can express, in safety, the myriad of my thoughts and emotions. With these two things in my Carrot daily life stores, I make better decisions for myself regarding what to express to others, and how and where and when.... This gives me the added strength to face fears I might have ignored or denied. This also helps me to just express MY side of the conversation and wait to hear what others express. In other words, I'm not strategizing. I'm sharing. I think the difference is perceptible since I'm seeing differences all around in people's responses to me. This is very good stuff! Namaste Tri Namaste Aria
Author carrotgirl Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 When that day comes, you find TBF and I, and we all go out for drinks. :bunny: If the day comes, the first round will be on me in tribute. Let's meet for drinks sooner than that though! Carrot
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Namasté carrot. Do challenge me back. It's your situation and you're the one living it, so many nuances of your ex/situation which are obvious to you, can't be seen/understood by observers, reading only one perspective. Just make sure you're thinking of carrot's needs. In dissolving the romantic relationship, your ex freed you from placing some of his needs, over yours. In keeping you as a close friend, he manages to retain some of it, without attending to your needs. As for drinks, we're all over the map. ariawoman is on the east coast of the US and I'm on the far left coast of Canada. Maybe you sit somewhere in between. How about a cyber drink night on LS?
AriaIncognito Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I'd like to address one thing Aria suggested that I disagree with and that's the idea that a healthy relationship won't have me seeking guidance, support, even just an outlet for expression as often as I've been reaching out here. I find this implication dangerous and misleading, that healthy relationships don't or shouldn't inspire this wide range of emotions and need for assistance. Ok no misinterpreting me. Every relationship takes work, and will be frustrating, and will lead you to seek answers. My take on it was, the frequency of which it does so. I'd think, if I have to hash out the same problem day after day, that means ultimately there is something wrong. Potentially unhealthy. Of course, different situations occur with varying frequency, i get that. In the past, from my experience, I've noticed it to be a trend on LS in general that one person (myself not excluded) will post essentially on the same question each time, because well, they've yet to get the answer they want to hear. Anyway, again, relationships take work, and working on. I'm not about to dispute that, it's a known fact. I would just like to pay attention to the type of work and frequency, and who's doing the work...
AriaIncognito Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I'd like to address one thing Aria suggested that I disagree with and that's the idea that a healthy relationship won't have me seeking guidance, support, even just an outlet for expression as often as I've been reaching out here. I find this implication dangerous and misleading, that healthy relationships don't or shouldn't inspire this wide range of emotions and need for assistance. Ok no misinterpreting me. Every relationship takes work, and will be frustrating, and will lead you to seek answers. My take on it was, the frequency of which it does so. I'd think, if I have to hash out the same problem day after day, that means ultimately there is something wrong. Potentially unhealthy. Of course, different situations occur with varying frequency, i get that. In the past, from my experience, I've noticed it to be a trend on LS in general that one person (myself not excluded) will post essentially on the same question each time, because well, they've yet to get the answer they want to hear. Anyway, again, relationships take work, and working on. I'm not about to dispute that, it's a known fact. I would just like to pay attention to the type of work and frequency, and who's doing the work...
Author carrotgirl Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 Another fall on my sword day at the office. Tri, you're right. I haven't been so happy and a large part of that is office related. I'm working to make it better. It's just another it'll take time... Meanwhile, my emotions are through the roof. I need a holiday in the worst way. Carrot
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 So, when can you get away on a vacation to a hot destination, far, far away from the office and the ex?
Author carrotgirl Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 Not your fault, but a touchy subject. Traveling alone to exotic locales just for the sake of a getaway means all I would be doing is working on the beach while being alone. Big deal. So, I'll just amble along some more until I can think of something else. I'm about to head over to this exec event that I really don't want to go to. Meeting with the company that has been scalping me these past weeks again. Ought to be about as much fun as fixing a flat tire during rush hour. Then I get to meet with them again all morning tomorrow. Yay. Wish me well. I'll check in later. Hopefully I'll be lighter in spirit. Me whining bothers me. Carrot
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