MattyTee Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 Carrot, I'm at work today I have PM access though if you need to vent
Author carrotgirl Posted November 24, 2007 Author Posted November 24, 2007 Here it is. I'm feeling VERY lazy about this dinner date later. I'm unshowered and wearing workout clothes and I just don't even want to get washed or dressed. I don't feel like making any effort. Getting ready for a date is WORK dammit. There's what to wear. And now I need outerwear too. Have to do my nails, toenails, moisturize, remove body hair, moisturize more. shower, moisturize again. Dry hair, style hair, put on makeup. I'm tired already. I'm scared so I'm looking for a passive way to sabotage. I need a kick in the a$$. Also, I don't know what to wear. And my hair and skin are just awful. I know I'd better get started but here I am blah blah blah. Carrot
MattyTee Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 *boot* There ya go! Get moving, there's always time to think about it all later
Author carrotgirl Posted November 24, 2007 Author Posted November 24, 2007 Thanks and all but that's hardly enough to get me motivated at this point. I'm now half bathed and half depillated. And I'm not saying which half either. I don't know what my issue is. Yes. I do. It's grown-up time with GD and I'm not ready to be a grown up tonight. It's been a perfectly miserable few days of sulking and loafing and playing video games and hanging with Cat. Why ruin it by actually going out, having a good time and admitting that having a shiitty holiday isn't the end of the world? And... I have no control of the future and I can control it by not going. Ughh. Now I'm back to I don't know what my issue is. Why is this difficult? Why am I making it difficult? Who says I have to look nice or smell nice or be even moderately groomed? Carrot
MattyTee Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 I'm sorry, I'm not feeling motivational enough today - having a hard time just smiling at the millions of customers and assuring them that the tickets really have sold out tonight, no I'm not kidding. I think you are probably right, perhaps you are comfortable with the misery because at least you are controlling it. Going out is a risk, why risk it. You'll never know unless you do go out, why not give it a try! You don't have to look nice or smell nice, that's just your mind telling you that's the thing to do. Go feeling comfortable - whether that be smelly or not, painted or not. I'll never make it as a motivational speaker
Author carrotgirl Posted November 24, 2007 Author Posted November 24, 2007 I'll never make it as a motivational speaker Could be... I may have gotten the kick I needed elsewhere. Or I'm channeling Jmina? Something. Had to remember this is a two way thing. I'm now 100% bathed, hairless in appropriate places and was painted but washed it off. I put on deodorant. I smell less yucky. I started to moisturize but wasn't in the mood. Besides, I'll probably take another shower anyway. and I'm starving! OH my god I am so hungry all of a sudden. I'm not going to make it until supper time. Carrot
MattyTee Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 Well that's some progress. I'm sitting here listening to a private party in my bar, damned people having fun! Thanks for the compliment - at least I tried Have a little snack before you go!
Author carrotgirl Posted November 24, 2007 Author Posted November 24, 2007 Matty! Go get a free drink!
MattyTee Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 It's all free, it's my bar ... but I don't drink! I have a nice hot cup of decaf coffee right now.
MattyTee Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 Chamomile now!!! I might be lining up some beers after the party goes though. I'm a lightweight so it should be funny for the rest of the staff
Trialbyfire Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 carrotgirl, next time here's my two word solution for all your unmotivated needs. The spa.
sedgwick Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Wait...you're going on a date with your ex? Or someone else? And why do you call him GD? Are those his initials, or do they stand for something pithy and Carrot-ish?
Author carrotgirl Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 Seriously Sed.... you ought to know this since you're the one coined it! (sigh) GD = Giant Douche. Yes. We went out. No. I don't really want to talk about it. He wasn't a dick per se. But I would have had a better time being at home and miserable. And if it wouldn't have been better, at least I would have been comfortable. He had an agenda. He can keep it. I feel physically ill like I'm going to throw up. I'm done.
sedgwick Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Ha ha ha ha, *I* am responsible for that? Hilarious! Thank South Park, actually. It was a suggestion for their school mascot. (The other contender: Turd Sandwich.) What was his agenda???
White Flower Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Originally posted by Matty Tee> I'm sitting here listening to a private party in my bar, damned people having fun! Funny, I used to have a restaurant and I couldn't stand watching people having fun either! I'd say, "must be nice...". I had to sell the place or it would ruin me. Maybe it did! Carrotgirl, I know how ya feel. All that work and for what we don't know (sigh). Take TBF's advice and go to the spa;)
Author carrotgirl Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 GD and I already patched it up. Of course we did. And now I have something new to feel icked about. Of course I do. I might just be back to I'm done. Carrot
Author carrotgirl Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 He didn't have an agenda. It just seemed like he must have since the hits just kept coming last night.... He already apologized many, many times. He didn't know he was hurting me. I believe him. Anyway, like I said. It doesn't matter. I realize he's trying to love me. I do. But today I wanted the love I wanted to have, not the love he wanted to give, which was nice, but I wanted something else. And I said this. And he heard me.
Author carrotgirl Posted November 26, 2007 Author Posted November 26, 2007 GD isn't cool with my expression of disappointment yesterday or so it would seem based on the old silent treatment. It's okay. Well, it's not okay but there's nothing I can do about it. If he was as tired as I was after seeing him yesterday it's probably fair anyway. I need to get over it. Carrot
Author carrotgirl Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 This is a dandy conversation I'm having with myself. I really need to get over it. GD got back to me with a sorry I didn't get back to you as quickly as I usually would and explanation. He's making it very difficult to give up on him being so reasonable like this. Oh lord. I'm finding more than a few truths in all this. 1. This is the hardest I've ever worked at being a decent partner. And we're not even a couple! It's not much of a stretch to see that I've only been responsible for my fair share of commitment in a very lazy sort of fashion in relationships up until now. 2. I noticed a new flaw in GD, FINALLY! Obstinacy. Except he isn't really immovable all the time but I'm counting it anyway. He needs more flaws. 3. Oh, and he has another flaw. When he bumbles, he tries to get out of it by making really funny yet really inappropriate jokes that are at once maddening and heart lifting. Today I'm calling it a flaw. 4. Whatever love I thought a man could give before a year ago has been proven to be so much less than actuality. This situation isn't what I wanted to be sure. But he keeps giving me reasons to trust without the societal rules of romance part getting in the way. Think I trust enough, feel safe enough, to let go a little more and a little more. Unless the relationship grows, we've already had the worst parts. And if the relationship grows, we'll have new highs and lows. 5. This is probably the most honest I've been with mySELF in a relationship. Some of me isn't very nice to see. Some of me makes me proud to be me. Some of me is just incredibly, thuddingly dull. I definitely need to love myself the same or more but with much less guilt for loving myself. I declined an invitation to a pretty key business event today. I've been kicking myself for it a little but I just don't want to go. I'm crying. I've been confused at times and complained at others blah blah blah and isn't he being selfish holding on? And maybe he is..... I just got conked again with a dose of reality. He loves me so much that he doesn't give up either. It isn't hearts and flowers but it's pretty cool. Note to Carrot see above re: trust. This trusting what's observable and not going overboard with blind faith thing is definitely not the idyll so many people insist IS what love and commitment is all about. It's just two people finding a way without knowing where they're going. Does it really change with marriage? Carrot
Author carrotgirl Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 Nope. I'm not settling. Nothing to settle on/to/for whatever.... We're not a couple. This isn't an ersatz friendship. He's doing his share. And he's been kind and gentle about letting me figure out certain unpleasant quirks of mine when relating to him (and likely, everyone else). I could be justifying. I can see where you could get the impression. I really don't think I am. This isn't my first romantic or long term relationship. This is the first time where neither person is fleeing from commitment. So it's not a romantic commitment, but it is a growing friendship. And to be fair to that part - How many friends have we all had that come and go when there are difficulties? And how many stick by us and vice versa - through good and bad regardless? I have a very precious few. If this is justification so be it. This is what I'm recognizing as value and love. But hey! If you still think I'm just being thick, I'll go grab my potato and come back and listen. Carrot
AriaIncognito Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 You're justifying and settling carrot. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEN TBF. I'm sorry carrot but takes one to know one. I justified all my exes poor behavior and settled on his scraps too. You really really really deserve more and I wish you'd consider more for yourself.
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