Northstar1984 Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 Hi all. It's been 5 months since my 4.5 year relationship was ended by my ex. I don't know why, but I cannot seem to get over it. At all.. I've had numerous chances to get into new relationships, but nothing has felt "right". Whether that's because I'm simply not ready yet, or because the girls aren't ticking the right boxes, I don't know. I think about my ex daily. Every single day for 5 months, without a doubt. I know it for a fact. When I realise I've not had her on my mind for a few hours it surprises me. Some days I wakeup for work and she's the first thing on my mind. I'll be sorrowful driving to work and despondent and distant for the first few hours. It's only when things get busy or I have a laugh that I begin to push her to the back of my mind. She began to see a new guy a few weeks after we split. I knew him, he was once a friend. They're still together now. It hurts so much to see her car at his, or see them drive past. I wonder what thoughts come into her head when she sees my car. Does she look back? Does she sigh inside? I know I do.. She wasn't "the one", that much I know. But she was my best friend, my first love, my first real glimpse of happiness. Recently I found out some stuff about her that made me disappointed. She kissed a guy I'm friends with the week after we split. It upset me.. a lot. We didn't speak for 3 months and then one night I bumped it to her at the seafront. We spoke for hours.. we laughed and smiled and watched the sun go down. It was a gorgeous evening in September, and it was warm. The sea looked fantastic. It was picturesque, but I felt so unhappy. I wanted to hold her, but I knew it was wrong. I shouldn't ask, so I didn't. When we parted she wished me a Merry Christmas, highlighting the fact she didn't plan to see me before December, at least. We argued when we were together. I was frequently unhappy, unfulfilled and I felt affection starved. Despite this, since she's gone I've never been so sorrowful in my life. I began to self-harm, abuse my body with alcohol and drugs and generally become reckless. I hid it well from family and friends, though.. but eventually admitted I needed counselling or something. I went and it did help. I've finished my sessions now, but on quiet, cold Saturday and Sunday morning.. my mind flies back to the summers my ex and I spent exploring the back-roads of England. Visiting museums, castles, towns and cities.. smiling, laughing and being happy. I want it back, but I can't. Why am I so stuck on her? I'm pathetic.
randuff Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 NS, I can understand how you feel. My ex and I were together for 4 years, engaged to be married and now it has been 7 months since the split. The difference here is that I have talked to her every day since the split with the exception of yesterday. Yesterday was the first day I have not had contact with her in 4 1/2 years! I don't feel any worse though. I know all about the thoughts of the ex every day. I think of her constantly. When I wake up, when I go to work, when I am eating, when I lie down for bed, ALL DAY LONG. We need to supress the thoughts of them when we start to think about them. Fill your mind with something else, be it work or what you want to do the upcoming week or weekend. We won't be sane if all we do is think about our exes constantly. Stay strong brother! I know, I KNOW, this isn't easy. It hasn't been for me either but one day, down the road, hopefully not too far away the both of us will look back and realize that all we really did was waste away a year of our lives clinging on to hope, wishing for something different to come of this. Ran
marty Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 i feel for you, i know how you feel. something i've tried for me,,,, it sounds silly, but it helps (not all the time mind you). i read it somewhere. when she comes into my mind, i imagine a HUGE red flashing STOP sign infront of her image in my head. it doesnt stop me thinking of her so much as to stop me dwelling on memories and general 'mulling'. it reminds me to think about me instead. i can honestly say it does help me a lot. the more i think about myself and what i can do for me, the less time i think about her. everyones different though. do whatever you need to do to help yourself. it will get better (i keep telling myself) take care
Author Northstar1984 Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 Thanks guys.. I will certainly try to remain positive. Today had been OK, until about 30 mins ago. I spoke to my ex's cousin online. She'd been down to my town for the weekend to visit my ex and her family. They'd all gone out for a meal for her dads birthday. They all met her new guy. It just drove it all home once again. Used to be that it was me there round that table, ya know? The card would of been signed from us both, not him. It's silly thinking about it all, I know. It doesn't help, in fact I think it does the reverse. It puts me back in time, progress-wise. I decided to check my usual social-networking sites and noticed her cousin had popped some new photos up. I checked out of general interest, not expecting to see my ex in any. But there she was. Looking really good.. smiling and happy. I decided not to check any more. I wish there was one universal time-frame that everyone went through before they felt perfectly fine again. As if nothing had happened. At least then I could look forward to a day when she didn't enter my mind and bring me down. Anyway.. sorry for whining. Thanks for both replies. I read them intently. Thanks guys.. Kai, UK.
birdie Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 you are not whining but you are certainly being too hard on yourself. it sounds like you are already at the stage when you know breaking up was the right thing for you - no matter how painful. now you are mourning the relationship, 4.5 years is a very long time! some marriages don't last that long. sometimes people say it takes 1 year to get over each 3 years of a relationship. I am not sure whether you can put a figure on it but it is a long process. you have a lot to process about yourself, about your ex and about your future. at least you are not in denial, be very grateful for that. your ex is taking a different route, she is not working through it herself but using other people to distract her. that's her choice, it doesn't mean she is over it quicker than you, it will come back to haunt her at a later stage. you will be fine soon. good luck.
funkybassplayer Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 All ou need to know is that your ex is with someone new, and for whatever reason, its lasted till now. You have to move on for yourself, and let go of her best you can. and just be happy for her. It must be hard to have contact with people so close to her, it sounds to me like your making it harder on yourself? do you have to talk to them? I have my exs eldest daughter on msn, but up to now (6 months) i have her blocked, as altough iv made lots of new frineds and dating, and i have moved on, i only know to well that even the smallest contact may take me back a few months. I will one day talk to her in the hope of freindship, but not now. You have to stop making it harder for you, why do you care if she thinks of you, she is with someone new, and you have to do all you can to move forward at this time.
JCD Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 It took me year and a half to get over someone. At five months I was still in pain and thinking of her constantly. Now, I'm at the point where I'm looking forward meeting new women whereas before it felt like I was cheating.
Author Northstar1984 Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Thanks so much guys. I really thank you for your replies. p.s. Today is her 22nd Birthday.
sedgwick Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I'm at five months too and I'm still bummed out, still cry, and still think of him all day every day. It sucks. But it's not as bad as it was the first month when I couldn't get out of bed and into the shower and walk down the street without crying. At least I'm excited about things in my life again now. It took me about a year and a half to get over the last breakup, so I'm just telling myself that's how this one will be too. It's really hard. I miss him so much. But of all the things I could do, ignoring him is the least painful. I will not contact him. That's all you can do to really heal.
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