Need womens 2 cents Will she leave?

[CrazyBrain]

I'm the other man. Let me start off by saying I was once engaged to this lady 12 years ago. We were both very young and separated to experience life. We kept in contact through the years as friends. I was in another state so no chance to reunite. I was heart broken when she told me she was getting married and dreamed of stealing her away at the wedding. Unfortunately I wasn't at the financial position I wanted to be at.

Plus I thought she was happy. Well after 6 years out of state I moved home. Well we got together and sparks flew. We are madly in LOVE. After a few weeks her husband found out. Its been 4 months now. She had lived with me for a span of 6 weeks a weekend and a week. In that order.

After the 6 weeks she said she had to go back to dissolve the marriage.

She was gone for a month. I told her not to come back until it was over because I couldn't stand to see her leave. She came back to carve a pumpkin and hang out for a weekend. She was gone for a week and then came back. I asked her if it was for good she replied I believe so. After a week she told me needed to go back to go to family and work holidays event with him. She doesn't want to have to explain her situation at these events. And doesn't feel it appropriate to have me by her side until the divorce is finalized. She told me she needs her husband to understand that working out the marriage wont equate to happiness.

She tells me she loves me she is just afraid of the change and is afraid to make the leap. She will be leaving a 8 year relationship with a guy who has done no wrong. She just has fallen out of love. She loves him but not like a lover like a friend. They had problems for over a year before i was even in the picture. Her family is against it and so is everyone else she talks to for the most part.

She has not told the whole story to her husband and he is fighting hard to keep her. I try to be patient but this is going to kill me knowing she is with him during the holidays and still undecided?

She says she has her mind made up just needs to get the courage.

I need to know is she messing with my head?

Should I just give her time?

We are soul mates. There is no doubt in my mind she loves me.

[CrazyBrain]

We have been making a list of names.

[Lyssa]

After a few weeks her husband found out. Its been 4 months now.

 

Hi CrazyBrain!

 

So her H found out and what has he done about it? Has he confronted you? She may have gone back to be 'the W' in front of everyone else so that no one picks up the bad 'thing' that is going on in their M for the last one year...

 

Maybe you should give her some space and let her work things out? Her H is trying hard to keep her, as you said it and he must have loved her a lot to forgive her even after he found out about the A...

[CrazyBrain]

Hi CrazyBrain!

 

So her H found out and what has he done about it? Has he confronted you?

 

He doesn't know everything she cant bring herself to tell him.

He has confronted me. He asked me to leave her alone. I told him I would if thats what she wanted. She cant go two hours with out contact of some sort.

She is being cold to him so he will let her do what she wants but he just wont give up.

I think if he knew the whole story and all the lies he would for one never trust her again and two tell her to get out.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

You will need to be patient while she sorts things out in her head. I have similar feeling (although have not acted on them to date). Some people are in your life temporarily and some will be there for you for eternity.

 

You cannot push her or give her an ultimatum, it will only leave her bitter towards you. If she has been worth waiting for all these years, than you can wait for her a bit more. Hang in there.

[RecordProducer]

She has not told the whole story to her husband and he is fighting hard to keep her.

Maybe that's all she wanted - to see her husband fight for her passionately. You will only have her if you satisfy one of two conditiosn (or both): 1. if you are making her happier than her husband and 2. if she loves you more.

 

I don't believe that she is undecided AND madly in love with you. However, if she has children with him, she might want to work on the marriage.

[nadiaj2727]

Hi CrazyBrain, welcome. My perspective as a woman and as a woman formerly involved with a married man whose situation sounds (in some ways) a lot like your married woman, is that she is confused. She does have feelings of love and passion for you, but she has feelings of love (of a different kind) and loyalty for her husband. She also has a strong desire not to hurt him and not to look bad to others. Hence the need to "work family events" with him.

 

For what it's worth, here are my comments to some things in your post that stood out to me (your comments are in italics, mine are in regular print ):

 

I told her not to come back until it was over because I couldn't stand to see her leave. She came back to carve a pumpkin and hang out for a weekend.

 

You say you know she is madly in love with you. But if she truly LOVED you as in respecting your feelings and unselfishly wanting what is best for you over what is best for her, she would NOT have come back after you specifically told her NOT to come back "until it was over." Yes, she loves you, but for right now, while she's in this situation, it is a selfish kind of love -- on her terms, to fulfill her own needs. Otherwise she would have respected your request and she would love you enough to sort out her own problems before dragging you into them. Therefore in my own humble opinion, she does not truly "love" you yet because love is not self-serving.

 

She was gone for a week and then came back. I asked her if it was for good she replied I believe so. After a week she told me needed to go back to go to family and work holidays event with him. She doesn't want to have to explain her situation at these events.

 

Again... she is being wishy-washy and acting one way and then another because she is confused. She "believes" she's back for good when she WANTS to be back for good (because she needs you to fulfill an emotional need), and then she goes back to him when she WANTS to go back to him (because otherwise she will have to own up to everyone else that she loves YOU, not her husband, and that will make her look bad and that will hurt her husband).

 

In my opinion, you should wait to be with her until she is proud to tell the whole world she is with you, instead of leaving you to go back to her husband's side so as not to have to "explain" her situation (of loving you and not loving her husband) to her friends and family. You should love yourself enough to only be with someone who is happy to explain to everyone why they love you and why they're with you (not just SAY they want to/ will in the future, but presently do so).

 

And doesn't feel it appropriate to have me by her side until the divorce is finalized. She told me she needs her husband to understand that working out the marriage wont equate to happiness.

 

I'm not trying to be discouraging, just realistic: the process of her husband "understanding" the necessity of divorcing his wife and the actual divorce itself could take a very long time. From personal experience, my xMM told me he was waiting for his wife to accept the fact that divorce was "best" for them and for her. HE thought that she would be happier without him, but he didn't want to leave her until she too thought that (because that would make him look bad and feel guilty). She never accepted this fact, because she didn't believe divorce was "best" for them and for her, and she obviously didn't think she would be happier without him. I don't know how long he would have had me wait for another woman to accept that he didn't want to be with her, because I got out before I had to wait any longer.

 

It sounds like you are in a similar situation, because even after her husband "found out" about the two of you (how did he find out, if you don't mind my asking?), he is still "fighting for her." How much time will it take for him to "understand" that he will be happier without her? Can you wait that long? Should you wait that long for someone who really loves you? These are questions that only you can answer, but I hope my questions are helping you to think about all the possible alternatives of how this could turn out?

 

She tells me she loves me she is just afraid of the change and is afraid to make the leap... She says she has her mind made up just needs to get the courage.

 

Well there you have the truth, from her own mouth. She's afraid of changing her life for you. She's lacking the courage to do what it takes to make a big change in her life to be with you, the one she loves. I personally believe that love is based on ACTION, not words. I think you should be with her if and when she SHOWS you she loves you by being available to be with you, privately and publicly.

 

I need to know is she messing with my head?... There is no doubt in my mind she loves me.

 

Like many MM we OW have been discussing on here, this woman undoubtedly FEELS that she loves you and SAYS that she loves you and, I believe, MEANS that she loves you, but she isn't doing what it takes to be with you. In that sense your situation has much in common with many OW dating MM. I advise you-- in order to protect your heart from possible pain and to have the happiest future possible -- to wait until she does what it takes to be with you (meaning, at least FILING for divorce -- which is an action, but even better, finalizing the divorce... just don't accept words like "I really want to get divorce, I'm in the process of getting a divorce", because they ALL say that but very few actually do it), before you allow this relationship to go any further. I'm not sure how there would be a problem with this under your scenario. You love her. You know she loves you. She knows you're there for her when she's ready to be with you. Therefore, if she gets divorced from him, it will turn out good for you, and if she doesn't get divorced from him, it won't turn out bad for you. I don't think you should open yourself up to hurt by giving her all of your self when she is not giving you everything you obviously want, need, and definitely deserve.

 

I hope I've helped, I fear I've given you more advice/ over-opinionated comments than you've asked for. I think you were asking for a woman's perspective of what she's thinking and if she's really leaving. I am not sure about if she's really leaving but from what you've said her comments and ACTIONS have been, she is clearly confused. Therefore I am trying to advise you not to do anything until her actions show she is no longer confused anymore. I do understand that your feelings/ emotions for her are very strong, and I'm just trying to provide some objective, rationale perspective. You sound like a great guy with a lot to offer. It is obvious that you love her, and good for you, she's a lucky woman. Be sure to love yourself too!! Best wishes. -Nadia

[CrazyBrain]

Thanks you have made some valid points. Is true love enough to overcome security and the fact that her husband wasn't that bad but she just doesn't feel attracted to him and hasn't been happy for years?

You asked how he found out.

First caught her chatting. Then phone bills. Then she bought a prepay and he caught her with that.

[CrazyBrain]

So should I act cool like it doesn't bother me?

Should I just be fun fun fun?

Should I distance myself? less contact maybe rush the situation a little.

Should I ask what the hell is going on?

How do I keep resentment from happening?

Is it alright for her to be selfish at this time?

Can I say just call me or come home when its over? or is that to much like an ultimatum?

Its so tough because every time we talk she sets my mind at ease because I can tell how hard she is taking it.

Like for instance I suggest she gets an apartment so she will be on neutral ground. shes not with me or with him. She can have time alone and take her time moving her stuff. Let him deal with it a little easier.

She replies that would be a waste of money because it wont be that long and she would rather use the money on a new car.

Sounds like shes coming 95% of the time. Just waiting till the holidays are over.

[head.heart& hand]

[quote=nadiaj2727;1419804 Therefore in my own humble opinion, she does not truly "love" you yet because love is not self-serving.

 

She never accepted this fact, because she didn't believe divorce was "best" for them and for her, and she obviously didn't think she would be happier without him. I don't know how long he would have had me wait for another woman to accept that he didn't want to be with her, because I got out before I had to wait any longer. "

 

 

Dear Nadia,

 

Your post was very thought provoking. In fact, it tugged at me in a way that was a tad uncomforatble yet very much deserving of my consideration. Thank you. I was curious to learn more about your experience and insights, so I just reviewed several threads to get the gist of your story. I noticed some commonalities, particularly in the origin of your affair-- and then with your growing impatience with your exmm's situation ( THE [/b]common denominator on LS) I was wondering Nadia--are you truly over your xmm? Realizing that you're in NC, has that helped you to withdraw emotionally in so much that your feelings for him have changed? If his divorce moved forward, would you consider going back to him or did you lose repsect for him through this entire ordeal? I really admire your strength!

 

The quoutes above really struck a chord--I'll give them some additional thought.

[RamChops]

So should I act cool like it doesn't bother me?

Should I just be fun fun fun?

Should I distance myself? less contact maybe rush the situation a little.

Should I ask what the hell is going on?

How do I keep resentment from happening?

Is it alright for her to be selfish at this time?

Can I say just call me or come home when its over? or is that to much like an ultimatum?

Its so tough because every time we talk she sets my mind at ease because I can tell how hard she is taking it.

Like for instance I suggest she gets an apartment so she will be on neutral ground. shes not with me or with him. She can have time alone and take her time moving her stuff. Let him deal with it a little easier.

She replies that would be a waste of money because it wont be that long and she would rather use the money on a new car.

Sounds like shes coming 95% of the time. Just waiting till the holidays are over.

 

What is the huge rush CrazyBrain? You were close 12 years ago, have only recently come back into her life and you've hit it off, so the connection is obvious to both of you, and she's saying that she wants to be with you long term ...

 

If you truly believe her, you have to be her rock, not go off the rails and harbour resentment - where does that come from anyway? she has to spend a little time apart from you, how about the past few years you didn't see each other? just be strong for now. Even if you are one of the lucky (some may argue with this) few who have the opportunity to start a life with their MP, it's going to take time for her to be able to move apart from her H and take him through the break. As you say, he's done nothing wrong over the past 8 years, but he's been with her that whole time, when you haven't. That's not a put-down, it's more that she will likely be confused too at this time, and you're not helping yourself or her by sulking or resenting the situation. He has been worked into her life and her world over time, and it is not as simple as just packing up and leaving it all behind overnight. There may be nothing left to work on but she's got to make that decision, and don't forget that he has feelings too. She probably cares about those feelings as well as yours.

 

If you're pretty sure she's going to come back to you for good one day, think of those happy times, be the best you can be when you're alone, and when you're with her. I know that talk of children with an MP is very tantalising and suggestive of a clear future together, I've been there recently ...

 

Sorry if my post is a bit terse, you just need to have a little patience, it's still very early days for everyone. If she is serious about getting a D, there are a lot of things to think about and she needs a clear mind and support from you, and it will not be a short process. There will be a lot of hurt, and her H sounds sensitive too, and could cause problems. Then after the D, you and her will be together and then what? you need to have an idea of where you're going together in life. And if there is no D, you have to be able to accept that it wasn't to be ... and if you really do love her, hope that she can make the best of her M and be happy with her H, while you move on.

 

By the way, you've mentioned that she has stayed with you a few times - how does she explain that to her H? Does he know that she comes and stays with you?

[CrazyBrain]

What is the huge rush CrazyBrain? You were close 12 years ago, have only recently come back into her life and you've hit it off, so the connection is obvious to both of you, and she's saying that she wants to be with you long term ...

 

If you truly believe her, you have to be her rock, not go off the rails and harbour resentment - where does that come from anyway? she has to spend a little time apart from you, how about the past few years you didn't see each other? just be strong for now. Even if you are one of the lucky (some may argue with this) few who have the opportunity to start a life with their MP, it's going to take time for her to be able to move apart from her H and take him through the break. As you say, he's done nothing wrong over the past 8 years, but he's been with her that whole time, when you haven't. That's not a put-down, it's more that she will likely be confused too at this time, and you're not helping yourself or her by sulking or resenting the situation. He has been worked into her life and her world over time, and it is not as simple as just packing up and leaving it all behind overnight. There may be nothing left to work on but she's got to make that decision, and don't forget that he has feelings too. She probably cares about those feelings as well as yours.

 

If you're pretty sure she's going to come back to you for good one day, think of those happy times, be the best you can be when you're alone, and when you're with her. I know that talk of children with an MP is very tantalising and suggestive of a clear future together, I've been there recently ...

 

Sorry if my post is a bit terse, you just need to have a little patience, it's still very early days for everyone. If she is serious about getting a D, there are a lot of things to think about and she needs a clear mind and support from you, and it will not be a short process. There will be a lot of hurt, and her H sounds sensitive too, and could cause problems. Then after the D, you and her will be together and then what? you need to have an idea of where you're going together in life. And if there is no D, you have to be able to accept that it wasn't to be ... and if you really do love her, hope that she can make the best of her M and be happy with her H, while you move on.

 

By the way, you've mentioned that she has stayed with you a few times - how does she explain that to her H? Does he know that she comes and stays with you?

Resentment comes from the flip flopping.

Maybe I'm afraid of her becoming a cake eater?

She stays with me by telling her husband shes leaving for good.

After tons of calls and text messages threating my life she gives in and goes back.

Before we got together I told her I did not want to see her if she was married because I knew I still loved her. She knew she still loved me too.

She has a huge heart and cant bare to hurt anyones feelings. I feel really bad for my part in causing his pain. I'm being selfish I know but the roll a coaster of emotions is no fun and not healthy for anyone involved. I think she should tell him we made love. At least then he would know where he stands. She tells him how much she loves me and her heart lies with me.

Shes been gone a week today and its getting easier. I wonder every day if I should tell her just to come see me when its over or try to support her through this. I think I will wait to beginning of next year like she has asked for. I guess the added pressure of the holidays isn't helping. I would wait forever but the coming and going is too painful. I don't think she will be back till it is for good this time at least. She, like some of you have asked for patience. I'm patient a mental patient.

I think we rushed things a bit and just got too far ahead of ourselves now we need reality to catch up to us.

I'm so glad I found this Forum you have all been so much help thank you.

You are right I should not feel anger towards her. I should Love her even more knowing that she is so torn between her commitment to her husband and the love she has for me. I still wonder is love enough?

I guess well find out.

[RamChops]

Resentment comes from the flip flopping.

Maybe I'm afraid of her becoming a cake eater?

She stays with me by telling her husband shes leaving for good.

After tons of calls and text messages threating my life she gives in and goes back.

Before we got together I told her I did not want to see her if she was married because I knew I still loved her. She knew she still loved me too.

She has a huge heart and cant bare to hurt anyones feelings. I feel really bad for my part in causing his pain. I'm being selfish I know but the roll a coaster of emotions is no fun and not healthy for anyone involved. I think she should tell him we made love. At least then he would know where he stands. She tells him how much she loves me and her heart lies with me.

Shes been gone a week today and its getting easier. I wonder every day if I should tell her just to come see me when its over or try to support her through this. I think I will wait to beginning of next year like she has asked for. I guess the added pressure of the holidays isn't helping. I would wait forever but the coming and going is too painful. I don't think she will be back till it is for good this time at least. She, like some of you have asked for patience. I'm patient a mental patient.

I think we rushed things a bit and just got too far ahead of ourselves now we need reality to catch up to us.

I'm so glad I found this Forum you have all been so much help thank you.

You are right I should not feel anger towards her. I should Love her even more knowing that she is so torn between her commitment to her husband and the love she has for me. I still wonder is love enough?

I guess well find out.

 

CrazyBrain, I could have written your post, as it's pretty much exactly where I'm at now ... except for the fact that I am not going too mental at this point in time, and I have resolved to be patient. It's scary getting death threats, hey, well, maybe the first time, after a while it loses its shock value and you sort of think that if he is going to rage he might as well just confront you and get it over with.

 

We both have to face up to the fact that the women we love ARE cake eaters, for now, but at least no-one believes that it can last forever. I too have told MW that it's not healthy, and that she shouldn't see me outside her M and that she should work on her M without me being in the picture. Has that happened? No, or at least, not really. NC didn't last very long, she loves and misses me too much. I love and miss her too, but continuing the A isn't fair to anyone. In your case you should indeed love and appreciate her because she is obviously a loving person, and yes, just give her the support she needs, not anger and pressure.

 

I also found out today that MW is likely going to move out, to neutral ground, she can't take the pressure at home, and her H has shown her the "tough love" that the BS of LS advocate, he has up to now been very accommodating of her unfair treatment of him but now he's giving her the cold shoulder. Whether it works remains to be seen. If she does leave him I have no doubt that I'll be in the firing line, whether it's justified or not. And as our R has petered out to just her calling or messaging me, I am not sure whether it will be rekindled if she does go, or whether she'll want to be left alone to clear her mind ... the latter makes more sense to me.

 

Sorry, don't mean to hijack your thread either, just know that in all of this you're not alone, others share the same pain that you do, and hopefully with the help of a community we can stay strong until things improve. Will keep you updated on my situation as it unfolds. Sometimes wish private messaging was available much sooner on LS ...

[Chrome Barracuda]

You know as sad and funny as this situation is. I keep laughing.

 

You guys make me laugh.

 

I mean these OM/OW who willingly cheat with Married people. You guys crack me up. Give ultimatims???

 

C'mon man, she aint gonna listen you dont mean anything to her, just a means to an end. How are you gonna justify her cheating on him in order to be with you, and then flip it like if he knew how trifling she is he would throw her out!?!?

 

But if that was the case, why are you dealing with her?

 

Why are you taking the tablescraps that she' throws at you?

 

I mean let's be real here. You knew what time it was from dealing with a married woman from jump it was about sex and lust. Not love!!!!

 

Please let's not get it twisted. Now that your emotions took over you cant see straight. She doesnt love you or her husband, she only has love for herself. This relationship, so called or not. Is doomed based on it's twisted conception and outright lies.

 

Do you honestly think if the truth comes out her family will accept you? How long is it before she get's bored with you and finds a shiny new toy. I mean she cheats right, so what makes you think she's gonna be faithful to you???

 

Snap out of it.

 

You deserve better than tablescraps man.

[reboot]

Is true love enough to overcome security and the fact that her husband wasn't that bad but she just doesn't feel attracted to him and hasn't been happy for years?

They rarely leave until forced to.

[nadiaj2727]

Resentment comes from the flip flopping.

Maybe I'm afraid of her becoming a cake eater?

She stays with me by telling her husband shes leaving for good.

After tons of calls and text messages threating my life she gives in and goes back.

 

 

Exactly, CrazyBrain... she already is a cake eater. If she truly loved you, she would leave him and be with you for good. In answer to your questions in your other post about what you should do now, again, my advice is to leave her alone until she's divorced. Tell her that you want to be with her but you do not want to get hurt in the process, nor do you want to complicate the important decisions she has to make regarding ending her marriage. Tell her to call you when she has divorce papers, and you will be the happiest man in the world. Until then, you can play no part in this play. I'm sorry it sounds harsh (and I know it's hard!!!) but that is my only advice for you. It's the only way to do what is morally right (not interfere in a marriage) and also what is right for you (protect your heart). Don't let her continue being a cake eater... please remove yourself from this situation for everyone's sake.

[nadiaj2727]

[quote=nadiaj2727;1419804 Therefore in my own humble opinion, she does not truly "love" you yet because love is not self-serving.

 

She never accepted this fact, because she didn't believe divorce was "best" for them and for her, and she obviously didn't think she would be happier without him. I don't know how long he would have had me wait for another woman to accept that he didn't want to be with her, because I got out before I had to wait any longer. "

 

 

Dear Nadia,

 

Your post was very thought provoking. In fact, it tugged at me in a way that was a tad uncomforatble yet very much deserving of my consideration. Thank you. I was curious to learn more about your experience and insights, so I just reviewed several threads to get the gist of your story. I noticed some commonalities, particularly in the origin of your affair-- and then with your growing impatience with your exmm's situation ( THE [/b]common denominator on LS) I was wondering Nadia--are you truly over your xmm? Realizing that you're in NC, has that helped you to withdraw emotionally in so much that your feelings for him have changed? If his divorce moved forward, would you consider going back to him or did you lose repsect for him through this entire ordeal? I really admire your strength!

 

The quoutes above really struck a chord--I'll give them some additional thought.

 

Hi HH&H! I'm so glad I could be of some help to you. My experience was awful (totally my own fault!) and I've learned so much because of it that I wish someone had told me a lot earlier.

 

To answer your questions, YES, I am truely over my xMM. Sometimes I wonder why I still come to these boards because I would like to put that in my past -- I *was* an OW but now I am not and never ever will be one again, and I am very over him, not only b/c we did the right thing but b/c he's not the right person for me. But I still have a lot of questions to myself about how I could gotten involved in this situation in the first place, how to forgive myself for it, and how to learn things from it. I feel very guilty and stupid and mad at myself and him about it, so in that sense, I am not truly "over" the affair, in terms of what I did, but I am very over him. (I've also met some people on here that I really like and some situations I'd like to find out how they turn out, so I come back to read other people's stories now that I'm not asking advice on my own. And I'd like to share my experience and lessons learned with other women (or men) who are in the situation I used to be in, because I received *so much* help here when I really needed it and wasn't fully getting it in real life. I remember I used to wait hopefully for people to answer my questions about if I should leave, why he was doing certain things, etc. So now I'm trying to repay the favor by giving advice to other people (although sometimes that backfires and I've been told to go away lol, so I am really glad that my words resonated with you and that I'm not just some holier-than-now-sounding pest to other OW. )

 

Anyway -- I am over him because yes, as you suggested, I lost respect for him in the process. I thought, what kind of man cheats on his wife, and strings both along for his own benefit? I began to be able to see through his lies and manipulations. (A lot of that came from the really good advice/ experience of people on this board who explained to me what he was REALLY up to. They had the objective perspective I lacked, and desperately needed to wake up and see!) I no longer think he's a "bad" man but I think he is a weak man who is too cowardly to truly change his situation and find happiness for himself. Instead he was selfish and wavering and I began to realize that I could only have him for myself if I MADE him leave her, which was never the situation I had signed up for.

 

Because I learned from this experience and found out what true love, marriage, integrity is all about, and he didn't (and HE is the one who is married, and much older than me), I realized that is not the right guy for me. I want someone who consistently does the right thing and wants the right thing for me, not someone who helps me do the wrong thing (not that I didn't willingly go along with it at the time... but I am stronger and smarter now and I will never do it again!). Does that make sense? So yes, because of all these reasons and more, I am totally over him and I would not go back to him if he got divorced, because I would always think he would do the same thing to me... he did not have respect for his wife or marriage, and he lies and hides things to make himself look better and to get what he wants. That is not the kind of man I want to be with, even if he's divorced.

 

You also asked me: "Realizing that you're in NC, has that helped you to withdraw emotionally in so much that your feelings for him have changed?" Yes, definitely! Even though I knew logically that I was doing the right thing breaking up with him, I was torn emotionally and it was so easy to give in to his requests for more contact, explanations, etc... and I felt I was stuck in a whirlwind, nothing was stable. It was only after I told him "NO MORE CONTACT AT ALL" and stuck to it (ignoring his calls and personal emails) that I felt powerful, happy, and really began to be able to think everything through for myself. NC was the absolute best thing I ever did in this situation (and I didn't even know what it was before I found this board... another reason I'm thankful for it!)

 

I hope this helps clarify your questions HH&H. Please don't hesitate to tell me about your situation and ask for my advice if you'd like it, or just for a listening ear (I do realize that some OW/ OM are not yet ready to leave MM or go NC, so I'll try not to be pushy if you don't want to do something I suggest ... I'll just tell you the only things that really worked for me), or if you have further questions about my own situation, etc. Feel free to PM me or start a new thread, etc. (I am so sorry for temporarily taking over your thread CrazyBrain!!) Best wishes, thanks for the post!

[nadiaj2727]

[quote=nadiaj2727;1419804 Therefore in my own humble opinion, she does not truly "love" you yet because love is not self-serving.

 

She never accepted this fact, because she didn't believe divorce was "best" for them and for her, and she obviously didn't think she would be happier without him. I don't know how long he would have had me wait for another woman to accept that he didn't want to be with her, because I got out before I had to wait any longer. "

 

 

Dear Nadia,

 

Your post was very thought provoking. In fact, it tugged at me in a way that was a tad uncomforatble yet very much deserving of my consideration. Thank you. I was curious to learn more about your experience and insights, so I just reviewed several threads to get the gist of your story. I noticed some commonalities, particularly in the origin of your affair-- and then with your growing impatience with your exmm's situation ( THE [/b]common denominator on LS) I was wondering Nadia--are you truly over your xmm? Realizing that you're in NC, has that helped you to withdraw emotionally in so much that your feelings for him have changed? If his divorce moved forward, would you consider going back to him or did you lose repsect for him through this entire ordeal? I really admire your strength!

 

The quoutes above really struck a chord--I'll give them some additional thought.

 

Hi HH&H! I'm so glad I could be of some help to you. My experience was awful (totally my own fault!) and I've learned so much because of it that I wish someone had told me a lot earlier.

 

To answer your questions, YES, I am truely over my xMM. Sometimes I wonder why I still come to these boards because I would like to put that in my past -- I *was* an OW but now I am not and never ever will be one again, and I am very over him, not only b/c we did the right thing but b/c he's not the right person for me. But I still have a lot of questions to myself about how I could gotten involved in this situation in the first place, how to forgive myself for it, and how to learn things from it. I feel very guilty and stupid and mad at myself and him about it, so in that sense, I am not truly "over" the affair, in terms of what I did, but I am very over him. (I've also met some people on here that I really like and some situations I'd like to find out how they turn out, so I come back to read other people's stories now that I'm not asking advice on my own. And I'd like to share my experience and lessons learned with other women (or men) who are in the situation I used to be in, because I received *so much* help here when I really needed it and wasn't fully getting it in real life. I remember I used to wait hopefully for people to answer my questions about if I should leave, why he was doing certain things, etc. So now I'm trying to repay the favor by giving advice to other people (although sometimes that backfires and I've been told to go away lol, so I am really glad that my words resonated with you and that I'm not just some holier-than-now-sounding pest to other OW. )

 

Anyway -- I am over him because yes, as you suggested, I lost respect for him in the process. I thought, what kind of man cheats on his wife, and strings both along for his own benefit? I began to be able to see through his lies and manipulations. (A lot of that came from the really good advice/ experience of people on this board who explained to me what he was REALLY up to. They had the objective perspective I lacked, and desperately needed to wake up and see!) I no longer think he's a "bad" man but I think he is a weak man who is too cowardly to truly change his situation and find happiness for himself. Instead he was selfish and wavering and I began to realize that I could only have him for myself if I MADE him leave her, which was never the situation I had signed up for.

 

Because I learned from this experience and found out what true love, marriage, integrity is all about, and he didn't (and HE is the one who is married, and much older than me), I realized that is not the right guy for me. I want someone who consistently does the right thing and wants the right thing for me, not someone who helps me do the wrong thing (not that I didn't willingly go along with it at the time... but I am stronger and smarter now and I will never do it again!). Does that make sense? So yes, because of all these reasons and more, I am totally over him and I would not go back to him if he got divorced, because I would always think he would do the same thing to me... he did not have respect for his wife or marriage, and he lies and hides things to make himself look better and to get what he wants. That is not the kind of man I want to be with, even if he's divorced.

 

You also asked me: "Realizing that you're in NC, has that helped you to withdraw emotionally in so much that your feelings for him have changed?" Yes, definitely! Even though I knew logically that I was doing the right thing breaking up with him, I was torn emotionally and it was so easy to give in to his requests for more contact, explanations, etc... and I felt I was stuck in a whirlwind, nothing was stable. It was only after I told him "NO MORE CONTACT AT ALL" and stuck to it (ignoring his calls and personal emails) that I felt powerful, happy, and really began to be able to think everything through for myself. NC was the absolute best thing I ever did in this situation (and I didn't even know what it was before I found this board... another reason I'm thankful for it!)

 

I hope this helps clarify your questions HH&H. Please don't hesitate to tell me about your situation and ask for my advice if you'd like it, or just for a listening ear (I do realize that some OW/ OM are not yet ready to leave MM or go NC, so I'll try not to be pushy if you don't want to do something I suggest ... I'll just tell you the only things that really worked for me), or if you have further questions about my own situation, etc. Feel free to PM me or start a new thread, etc. (I am so sorry for temporarily taking over your thread CrazyBrain!!) Best wishes, thanks for the post!

[oyster]

You know as sad and funny as this situation is. I keep laughing.

 

You guys make me laugh.

 

I mean these OM/OW who willingly cheat with Married people. You guys crack me up. Give ultimatims???

 

C'mon man, she aint gonna listen you dont mean anything to her, just a means to an end. How are you gonna justify her cheating on him in order to be with you, and then flip it like if he knew how trifling she is he would throw her out!?!?

 

But if that was the case, why are you dealing with her?

 

Why are you taking the tablescraps that she' throws at you?

 

I mean let's be real here. You knew what time it was from dealing with a married woman from jump it was about sex and lust. Not love!!!!

 

Please let's not get it twisted. Now that your emotions took over you cant see straight. She doesnt love you or her husband, she only has love for herself. This relationship, so called or not. Is doomed based on it's twisted conception and outright lies.

 

Do you honestly think if the truth comes out her family will accept you? How long is it before she get's bored with you and finds a shiny new toy. I mean she cheats right, so what makes you think she's gonna be faithful to you???

 

Snap out of it.

 

You deserve better than tablescraps man.

 

Chrome Barracuda does have a point. I was the OM, then she signed the paper.

 

One thing not a lot of people posted is that DEPRESSION might hit the person going thru seperation.

 

Even if she moves out, sign paper, 1 year later official divorce, selling house, financial asset seperation takes time.

 

For me, I take it one day at the time with not high expectation.

 

Downside of all these relationships is Mood disorder which is contagious.

[CrazyBrain]

First off, I just want you to trust, believe and feel happiness and

comfort Inside your soul knowing that I am in total undeniable love wIth

you.

 

As you have probably noticed or picked up on, I have not been myself.

I think that I came home too early and I feel the whole situatIon was

rushed slightly. I am thinking that it would be best to go back at

least through the end of the year. The difficult part about doing this now

is that this time of the year is so special and should be spent wIth

the one's you love - and do I ever LOVE you!

 

I do not feel happy at the moment - not completely anyway; because you

certainly make me happy beyond real. So it is not a result of us; it

is a result of unresolved issues in my life. I have all these

responsibiIties in life that I have just been ignoring for the past several

months and I thInk it is beginning to take a toll on my emotions. I am

ready for us, I just am not ready at the moment. I have several events

coming up and I need to be there for those. Believe me, I would love to

have you by my side at these things, but I do not feel it appropriate

until the isses at hand are resolved. I must make an appearance at

these events, and to be completely honest, I do not feel up to any

explaining during the holidays. I feel things are better left to be resolved

until after the new year. My friend has a surprise birthday party for her

husband, I have to make nearly 70 Christmas cards, I have my mom's side

of the family's annual Christmas event, my work's Christmas event

among findIng time to do some Christmas shopping. All of this just is

stressing me out and I cannot relax until these things are over with - I

hate how this is all effecting me.

 

What I am feeling deeply saddens me. You are the world to me. I love

how I feel when I am with you. I want to feel this way for the rest of

our lives. I don't want to miss Thanksgiving with you, your birthday,

Christmas or ringing in the new year with you. I just have so many

people to face during these holidays and I just don't feel comfortable

rIght now not doing these things as I normally do.

 

I know and wholeheartedly agree that if you and I are to begin our

lives together that we must put the past behind us. I have been trying to

do that - I have been making the best attempt that I know how. There

are just too many issues that are left unresolved and they are

interferring wIth us being able to live our lives together. When I am wIth you,

loving you, I want to be 100% yours. I don't want to feel these

feelings. I know it wIll be very hard on us both, but I believe that this

is what needs to be done in order for me to give myself toy you

completely. Perhaps this wIll be a test of our undeniable love for one another.

If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything that

life throws our way.

 

I hope my decision doesn't make you feel angry or lose hope. I do not

enjoy doing this one bit. We both knew what we were getting ourselves

into with my being married. I regret a lot of thIngs In lIfe, but I

pray that I don't regret making the choice being away from you for the

next six weeks. It is just too much on me and I can't do this right now

bebe - I pray you understand and you don't ever gIve up on us. I am

not!

 

That song by the Plain White T's you pulled the lyrics for was

incredible. I was so sad listening to it since I already knew how I was

feeling at the tIme. I knew that was how you would be feeling if this were

to happen. Please, bebe, please I beg of you - please remain hopeful -

don't give up. I love you and we are destined to be wIth each other,

have children and grow old together.

 

Don't worry about me goIng back as an attempt to make my marriage work.

I want him to understand that we are two totally different people

and that making the marriage work won't equate to being happy. I know

what it is like to be happy and you're the only person in this world

that does that for me. I know we are nearly there, however, I don't feel

that rushing the demise of marriage is the best way to reslove things

- rather talk it out and make sure he understands why I need to move

on.

 

I hope you understand and will be able to get through this. I am going

through it too - but trust that it will be the best thing for both of

us in the end. I cannot wait! I can't wait to make babies with you

either!! MMMMwhah! I love you!

[head.heart& hand]

 

So sorry Crazybrain, ( this will be my last "sub-post" on your thread)-- I just wanted to say Thanks to Nadia again. Your posts are thoughtful, encouraging and articulate, I really enjoy reading them! --You have so much to offer so please stay connected and evenually I may take you up on the PM option ( if I can become more "established"--apparently I don't meet the critera yet).

Thanks again! ---and my best to you CB!

[whichwayisup]

She should not be making ANY promises, or giving you any hope, ALL that can change in a heartbeat.

 

Walk away now, tell her you can't handle things as they are and when/if she leaves, with papers signed, THEN she can call you and you two can date (when some time goes by) and see where things go. But, until then, for your own sanity, stay in NC and use that time to decide if she is really what you want.

[nadiaj2727]

I'm sorry CrazyBrain but that letter is a perfect example of what I've been trying to tell you. She SAYS she loves you, but she's not acting like she loves you. So don't believe her until she SHOWS you. Tell her to come back when she has no more excuses to not be with you.

 

In fact, her letter is all about *HER* and meeting her own needs, some quite ridiculously petty!! ("I have 70 Christmas cards to write?" --> That's a new excuse for staying in the marriage instead of leaving for OM and one of the silliest that I've ever heard!!)

 

In my opinion her letter doesn't even make sense... she says don't worry that her husband will get the wrong idea that she is going back to make her M work, but before that, she said she has to make appearances with him at events and just doesn't feel up to explaining that she is love with you, not him!! So what is her poor husband *supposed* to think? His choices are "she's back b/c she wants our marriage to work" or "she's back b/c she's not ready to leave me for him"... either one is way better for him than it is for you, so why are you wasting your time on her?

 

Also I think her letter is manipulative b/c she says something along the lines of "YOU AND I BOTH KNEW WHAT WE WERE GETTING INTO B/C I WAS MARRIED..." Oh please, how can she say that and also that she truly loves you and wants to be with you, and not to lose hope? Those two things just don't go together. Even her "promises" to leave him are flimsy at best... "AT LEAST" until the new year???? That's crazy, how would you feel if someone ELSE you loved told you "I'll be there for you in the way you need me to be, but for selfish reasons I can't do it until at least after the New Year?" I sure hope you'd say, "No thanks then, I'll find someone else to do it" or at the very least "ok, then, I'll talk to you after the New Year when you are truly able to be there for me the way you say you want to be, and the way I'm here for you all the time."

 

*Please* CrazyBrain, wake up and see that this woman is a classic MW... just like MM... she is stringing you along to meet her own self-serving needs. Please find a woman who truly cares about you and who is not too busy writing Christmas cards and attending events with her husband for appearances' sake to "feel up to explaining" to her husband and the rest of the world her supposedly "undeniable" love for you. How is it so undeniable if she is denying it at least until after the new year??? Please don't give this woman one more second of your time or energy until she "feels up to" doing the same for you. Please see that her letter is full of WORDS stating she loves you but also full of WORDS explaining her ACTIONS (and also contradicting themselves and being manipulative)... that she is still with her husband. Listen to her actions CrazyBrain, especially b/c she can't even keep track or her stories enough for her words to make sense. I'm sorry if I'm giving you tough love, but I'm just trying to help you not get hurt anymore.

[Chrome Barracuda]

And if you fall for what she says, you'll fall for anything.

 

Forget this trifling chick and move on man, why are you wasting your time!?!?

[RamChops]

Chrome Barracuda does have a point. I was the OM, then she signed the paper.

 

One thing not a lot of people posted is that DEPRESSION might hit the person going thru seperation.

 

Even if she moves out, sign paper, 1 year later official divorce, selling house, financial asset seperation takes time.

 

For me, I take it one day at the time with not high expectation.

 

Downside of all these relationships is Mood disorder which is contagious.

 

Hi oyster, can you please elaborate on mood disorder? Is it the same as the depression you mentioned, or is it something different?