I am gonna get my ex back

[spookie]

Sometimes I think that if I hadn't started reading loveshack in the first place, everything would still be fine. I mean, it all started unravelling when I started lurking on this place - analyzing, comparing, obsessing. Taking general advice and applying it to my own very special, unique relationship, with someone best described as "different".

 

What I know now is what I shouldn't have done. But it's too late for that.

 

I'm going to get him back.

 

I know that's a very unorthodox thing to say around here, and that the standard wisdom is that "if he loves you he'll come back" and "do nothing" but I tried that that and it didn't get me what I wanted.

 

So I'm going to do my own thing. I thought I'd post my progress here just in case someone in the same boat as I wanted to know what happens when you fight for what you love.

 

The plan:

 

Part One:

 

1. Start looking good - specifically, lose 10 lbs, get a new haircut and some clothes that fit right - so that he is blown away when he sees me

2. Become financially solvent so that I don't feel like s!ht about myself all the time.

3. Succeed at what I am passionate about so that when we "catch up" I have good things to say about myself

4. Start reading the news and better literature, which I would like to do anyway, so I have interesting things to talk about

 

Part Two:

 

1. Figure out a place frequents alone for lunch/dinner/drinks (should be easy as it's likely one of our old spots, all of which I've abandoned)

2. Start going there by myself

3. Run into him.

 

 

I am scared about what happens later, but I do know that the last time I saw him (and in fact every time we've been together), we were in love. It was long-distance that everything completely fell apart - and I haven't seen him since.

 

I have to have a little bit of faith that face-to-face, the sparks will fly.

[Trialbyfire]

There are two things I'd like to comment on. Beyond that, it's your life and your call.

1. It sounds like you're pointing the finger at LS. Better to accept that you're an adult and responsible for your own actions which means applying any advice received, in the way that makes sense to you and your relationship.
   
2. You forgot the best part of the advice. "If he doesn't come back, you will hopefully have moved on."

[spookie]

There are two things I'd like to comment on. Beyond that, it's your life and your call.

1. It sounds like you're pointing the finger at LS. Better to accept that you're an adult and responsible for your own actions which means applying any advice received, in the way that makes sense to you and your relationship.
   
2. You forgot the best part of the advice. "If he doesn't come back, you will hopefully have moved on."

 

1. Nah, I'm not pointing the finger at all. I love LS, I think it serves a good purpose very well. I just think that with my inexpereince and immaturity, I would have been better off without the sociological info I got here with which to analyze my relationship from different angles.

 

2. What if, instead of moving on, time and experience are helping me realize how *special* what I had in him was? I mean sometimes we meet the person too early, right? I know we had to break up because there were things I had to learn that I couldn't learn from him. But that doesn't mean we can't get back together.

[Trialbyfire]

1. Nah, I'm not pointing the finger at all. I love LS, I think it serves a good purpose very well. I just think that with my inexpereince and immaturity, I would have been better off without the sociological info I got here with which to analyze my relationship from different angles.

 

2. What if, instead of moving on, time and experience are helping me realize how *special* what I had in him was? I mean sometimes we meet the person too early, right? I know we had to break up because there were things I had to learn that I couldn't learn from him. But that doesn't mean we can't get back together.

Okay...then it's cool. I guess my back goes up a bit when it sounds like people don't appreciate the amount of free advice they get on LS. I was floored by the amount of wonderful advice and input people put into my angsty thread. It helped me a lot. Like thinking out loud but being answered.

 

If you want him, go get him then. Just be prepared that it won't necessarily work and if it does, you may just be remembering all the good things and none of the bad. Also, both of you have changed due to experiences.

[ninjaturtles]

Hi there,

 

Regarding information you get on LS, you are correct to say that everyone's position is unique..and therefore a blanket advice may not work for everyone..however, sometimes (especially shortly after the breakup or when we are still very much in love/ in denial), our thinking is clogged with emotions. This is why I usually prefer to ask friends, my familly and people on LS before i take any decisions. Trust me, there are things I did which i regretted so much leter on when I eventually got over that person. Yes I did those things because I was emotional then etc, however had I gotten advice from 'other people'; people who were able to think reasonably, I may have handled things better.

 

When I joined LS, I read a lot about NC. With my previous relationships, I did not follow the NC, however it really is the best thing that could happen to the dumpee( in terms of finding a way to move on).

The advice given on LS is usually advice to help you cope and move on. Why should you put in so much energy to 'try and get' someone back, if the person does not truly want to be with you. You should be priority, you should be hoping to move on from the dumper and be happy and independent.

If he gave you specific reasons why he left., thats different because you could try and adjust/change the things he was not happy with (especialy if the faults were objectively negative).

 

With regards to actually 'winning' the ex back, well in the past my exes have come back..but you know what? They never came back whilst I was making a conscious effort to 'get them back'. I let go, started moving on and was enjoying my life...thats when they came back. After I had gone NC for a while.

 

I would advice you not to put yourself in a vulnerable position. I am not advicing you not to go ahead with your plans but dont forget that you should be focusing on yourself now. If you want to try and get him back, why not heal for sometime. Reduce contact for a while and actually try to reach a stage whereby you are independent and are not desperate to win him back. This is because if you eventually dont 'get him back', you would not be left a wreck..and if you succeed, well that would be great..However dont forget that it takes true love to last..so even if you get back, you may still break up again.

 

Please dont take this as a way of discouraging you. I am just trying to let you know the reality of life. I have done what you tried to do in the past, however the only times my exes came back was when they wanted to, after they had missed me. In all honesty, up until the point when they actually came back, I sub consciously still kinda wanted them to come back.Not because I wanted to get back (I was fine then), but more of like an ego thing. For eg, One day I remember wearing something really nice to a party I knew he would be attending. I caught his attention etc..but the thing is by that time, I was independent and I was not bent on him actually coming back. I did not speak to him much that night, I had fun with my friends and other people. I had almost moved on, well 3/4.

 

So, do what you need to do , but you would be better off healing, trying to ACTUALLY get over him.....

 

LS has taught me how to be dignified about breakups and sensible. My ex broke up with me, I am slowlywalking away!

 

 

Goodluck and hope things work out.xxxx

[bustertypsy]

Great post Ninja........Spookie,it is great to get advice from people whose experience in their lives can help you,by learning from their mistakes.

You won't win your ex back,be sure of that.

You sound obsessed about getting him back,and I feel this is effecting your judgement.You are MORE likely to be hurt further if you go after him.You are in big time denial!

 

Isn't it better to have him come looking for you?At least then you will know how true his feelings are.If he wants you he WILL make that move.Nothing you do will persuade him to do anything else(unless he feels sorry for you and takes you back,only to dump you again).

So by far,the best thing you can do is move onward and upwards.

Believe me I know it's extremely difficult,but it's the right thing to do.

I wish you well

[cant let go]

The plan:

 

Part One:

 

1. Start looking good - specifically, lose 10 lbs, get a new haircut and some clothes that fit right - so that he is blown away when he sees me

2. Become financially solvent so that I don't feel like s!ht about myself all the time.

3. Succeed at what I am passionate about so that when we "catch up" I have good things to say about myself

4. Start reading the news and better literature, which I would like to do anyway, so I have interesting things to talk about

 

Part Two:

 

1. Figure out a place frequents alone for lunch/dinner/drinks (should be easy as it's likely one of our old spots, all of which I've abandoned)

2. Start going there by myself

3. Run into him.

 

How about this plan?

 

The plan:

 

Part One:

 

1. Start looking good - specifically, lose 10 lbs, get a new haircut and some clothes that fit right - so that I feel good about myself.

2. Become financially solvent so that I don't feel like s!ht about myself all the time.

3. Succeed at what I am passionate about so that when I introduce myself to new people or catch up with old friends I have good things to say about myself because I will be happy with myself

4. Start reading the news and better literature, which I would like to do anyway, so I have interesting things to talk about

 

Part Two:

 

1. Figure out a place that I like to go that maybe he frequents alone or maybe he frequents with friends or maybe he doesn't frequent at all for lunch/dinner/drinks (should be easy as it's likely one of our old spots, all of which I've abandoned)

2. Start going there with friends or to meet new people

3. Maybe I will Run into him.

4. Have a good time regardless of whether he is there alone or with others or not at all.

 

If you really do want him back you are going to have to do these things for yourself. If you do these things only to win him back you are likely to not keep it up once you have him back and to fall back into an old relationship pattern that drove him away in the first place. He will see your attempts as fake or manipulation. If your intentions for these changes are to make you feel better about yourself than you are more likely to stick to them. In the end, whether you have him back or not, you will feel better.

[spookie]

Thanks for the responses everyone, for the common sense. My mind was kind of feverish when I wrote that post and now that some time has passed, I see how ridiculous it is. Of course I cannot win him back. I can move on, do the best I can do to be ready and open to meeting someone new (something I am far from still), but that's about it.

 

I used to think that closure is something you give yourself, but lately I've been wanting a question answered.

 

Are we on bad terms? Do you like me, as a person?

 

That's what I want to know.

 

Because when I think back to that time in my life, I feel hate, but did he hate me? Or did I hate myself?

 

I feel that for some reason it's important for me to find this out. I am scared s!!hitless of what the answer is, yet completely obsessed with what it could be.

 

It's a mindfk because in my gut I'm CONVINCED he hates me, yet he has no reason to other than because I was annoying while he was breaking my heart. And he's given me many indications that he doesn't (like telling me he loved me the last time I saw him) and few that he does.

 

I need to find out. I really don't think I can move on until I know.

 

Should I try to find out?

[spookie]

It's 5 am over here and I can't sleep (too much caffeine). I'm wondering what to do.

 

His b-day is in exactly one week. I want to call him.

 

This is what I would say, more or less:

 

Hey __, it's spookie. I'm calling to wish you a happy birthday. I'd really like for us to be friends, or at least on friendly terms. We're almost done with this chapter of our lives (college) and I don't want to leave here with this silence between us, which feels like hate. I want you to remain aquaintances, someone we'd greet in the street years from now. Again, have a happy birthday.

 

Or should I go with plan 1....?

[upsetnhurt]

If you feel the need to say Happy Birthday to him (which I don't believe he deserves!), I would go with a simple approach: Happy Birthday, Best wishes on this most special day! Your friend, Spookie.

 

I have to say that no well wishes will have a greater effect on him. Let him know that you are moving on with your life and if he sees you as part of his, he has to make an attempt to show you that.

[jimmer21]

i wouldnt send him a happy birthday, i went no contact after chasin myex and 2 munfs later her bday came within one hour past midnight she rang me up and wanted to meet. sayin nothing has agreater effect trust me

[spookie]

It may be the case that silence is stronger, but for us it's been 6 months of NC initiated by me so I really don't think he's going to notice if I don't contact him. We're way past that point. So really this thread is about how to get back in touch with someone after kind of a long time apart.

[cant let go]

i have to back upsetnhurt's simple approach. less is more. believe me, there's a good chance you wont get much of a response whether you lay it all out there or not regardless of what he feels. simply take it as far as the purpose you called otherwise it will seem like you are just using his birthday as an excuse to make contact.

 

if you simply call him with birthday wishes, you are doing what you genuinely wanted to do and he cannot misinterpret that. if you are doing this by phone call there is a chance the conversation could lead to more serious topics, but you don't want to be the one to bring that up. keep it light, say happy birthday, ask how he is doing, answer if he asks how you are and then just leave it at that. and smile. that may seem like crazy advice for a phone call, but it makes a difference in the way you sound.

 

this should be enough to convey that you are thinking about him, that you care about him and that you are happy with yourself. Don't expect anything in return. good luck

[dropdeadlegs]

spookie, I'm not stalking your posts, they just keep being fairly new when I log on. And I genuinely care about you.

 

Go back and read your earlier posts about your ex. He wasn't all that and a bag of chips, sweetie. remember how he would play video games with his friends (or solo) and generally ignore you? You left the relationship for many reasons. Don't forget why.

 

He is looking good because your life has been rough recently and you are looking for something more "comfortable." The kind of comfort he has to offer will not make you happy, mostly because it didn't make you happy before. The sex may have been stellar, but you did not truly feel loved. Think about that.

 

I can't say anything more convincing than your own words. Go back a year ago and read your own words concerning your ex.

 

Our age difference often makes me feel like a distraught parent. I know I'm not your mother, but I do care about you in a motherly way. I reply to your posts hoping to save you from so many of the painful mistakes I have made. Still, I understand that nobody could save me from myself...

[spookie]

spookie, I'm not stalking your posts, they just keep being fairly new when I log on. And I genuinely care about you.

 

Go back and read your earlier posts about your ex. He wasn't all that and a bag of chips, sweetie. remember how he would play video games with his friends (or solo) and generally ignore you? You left the relationship for many reasons. Don't forget why.

 

He is looking good because your life has been rough recently and you are looking for something more "comfortable." The kind of comfort he has to offer will not make you happy, mostly because it didn't make you happy before. The sex may have been stellar, but you did not truly feel loved. Think about that.

 

I can't say anything more convincing than your own words. Go back a year ago and read your own words concerning your ex.

 

Our age difference often makes me feel like a distraught parent. I know I'm not your mother, but I do care about you in a motherly way. I reply to your posts hoping to save you from so many of the painful mistakes I have made. Still, I understand that nobody could save me from myself...

 

Thanks for caring:love:. I always respect what you have to say.

 

You're totally right that I was miserable (and the sex wasn't good, in fact it was a point of contention because I wanted it and he din't.) When I think back to my time with him I'm filled with self-hatred - I feel annoying, unworthy, uninteresting. And I KNOW it isn't ALL because I am those things - he definitively contributed, with his sht!ty treatment, to my state of mind.

 

How often did he tell me I was clingy for wanting to spend one day a week with him? (constantly) How often did he attempt to include me in his plans with friends/family? (never.. I met his closest friends once) How often did he change plans on me in favor of his video games and then try to switch the blame on ME, calling me ungrateful, telling me I made him unhappy? And was he there, when I needed him? Sometimes he was. And sometimes he surprised me with how loving he could be, how considerate. But then, look at the facts: I moved 6 times while I was with him and not once was he there to help. He abandoned me mere weeks after I had an abortion. He refused to visit my family for Christmas.

 

I do want more than he could give. And I know if I straighten myself out enough, I'll find someone better. It's just, I continue to love him despite everything. Remembering his vulnerability, his softness, I wonder if things could have been different, if I were more wise.