Not willing to give up on this girl

[westerner]

To start, I met a girl at work almost 2 years ago. She and I got along very well, and a mutual attraction was pretty apparent right away. Being her supervisor, I didn't think it best to mention anything. She was just helping out at my store for the holiday season, but I remained professional.

 

On her last day there, I decided I had to let her know how I felt. She had a boyfriend, and I knew this, but I still had to say something. Her response was that she didn't want to do anything to hurt him, but if their relationship didn't work out, I'd be the "first one to know". I accepted that and continued to talk to her now and then after she went back to the store she regularly worked at. Knowing she had this boyfriend, I tried to detach myself from the situation as much as I could.

 

A couple months ago, she decided to leave the job, and she called me for advice on what to do. I helped her with everything, and told her I would be there if she ever needed anything. She seemed to really appreciate this and began calling me, even on my personal phone, which she had never done before. The calls started coming in more regularly, and the conversations started lasting longer, sometimes up to 2 hours.

 

Now, she is calling me just about every day and she comes down to my store 3-4 times a week to visit and she stays there for an extended period of time. She often complains about her boyfriend, but I don't comment on him one way or another, I just listen. She knows I still like her. A couple weeks ago, we were on the phone, and she mentioned her boyfriend didn't like her and I talking so much. Obviously, she told him that. I told her it's not easy for me, either. I then told her that I have so many things I wish I could tell her, but I just can't.

 

She tried like crazy to get it out of me, but I said I didn't want to because it didn't matter as long as she's with him.

 

About a week ago, she finally got it out of me. I told her that I really like her and want something more for us. I told her that I don't know if I can be "just friends". She said she understands how I feel, but if she decides to leave her boyfriend, it will be her choice, no one else's. She also said she wouldn't want to jump right on the "guy wagon" and would like to try being single until she knew what she wanted, even though she likes me and she knows she likes me. In talking to her this morning, it seems that her and her boyfriend are very close to seperating, based on his recent actions.

 

I asked her, hypothetically, if she wasn't with her boyfriend, if I would have a chance with her and she said "no doubt". I told her that as long as she is with him, I would understand her position, but what I couldn't handle is if they break up and she ends up being with another guy that's not me. So, I guess one of my questions is, where do I position myself knowing that they are on the verge of splitting up?

 

My feeling is that she knows me and knows what she'd be getting with me.

 

My problem here is this. What does she want? I mean, I won't deny it, I REALLY like this girl. We get along so well, we are very open with each other, and are very happy in eachother's presence. But, I don't know how to approach the situation.

 

If having our ages would help, I am 28, she is 21. Her boyfriend is about her age, but he has had some legal problems and doesn't provide much for her. They don't live together, but he wants to. Me on the other hand, I am a fairly successful, very independent and responsible person. I really think she sees something in that.

 

I have asked for help with this in countless places. I have been told that she calls and comes to the store because she's "bored" or needs to be "entertained". I have been told she needs me for her "ego boost". I don't know.

 

I want to make it clear that I am not asking for advice on how to steal her from this guy. I also want to make it clear that all the contact here is being initiated by her, I NEVER call her.

 

But, I think about her all day long and having this type of situation is really getting hard for me. I want to be there to help her with problems, etc., but I don't want to be the guy who does that while she's going home and being with another guy. I just feel like she's like so many women who complain about their situation, but don't do anything to change it. I feel that eventually she'll realize that she deserves better than what she has and she'll leave him, but who knows when that will be and where I will be.

 

So, what do I do? I don't want to give up on a girl who I have feelings for that I've never had before. But at the same time, it's painful to know we have so much together, but nothing has come of it.

 

Please help..........

[mpower95]

It seems that she goes to you for attention, since she's having problems with her relationship. While this is not necessarily bad, it also looks like she considers you more of a friend at this point.

 

Have you tried being less available for her when she needs advice? I think this is whats hurting you in the long run. Are all of your conversations basically about her and her failing relationship when you talk? Why don't you try calling her once in a while and talk about other topics?

 

It's honorable of you to say that you don't want to steal anyones girl away, but you know the saying "you snooze, you lose." Try asking her out and showing her a good time. Show her how fun you can be, and that there is more to you than mr. advice-giver. I mean if you don't make the move, then someone else will.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

She likes the attention you give her and it makes her think that knowing you, she has a choice to be with the bf, 'cause she knows you're the back up.

 

The above poster is right. IF you are friends, then go out with her. Some place fun and interactive (mini golf, bowling). Some where where you can show that you are a great guy and a huge catch to anyone. Make her fall for you the way you have fallen for her.

 

She needs to sh*t or get off the pot. The BF is either an excuse she uses to see you or an indication that she would rather be with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

 

I also believe that if she didn't like you (as more than friends) she wouldn't stop by the way she does. She's definitely into you, but that doesn't mean that she will act upon it. You need to give her that push..

[westerner]

But isn't the talk I had with her sort of making my move? I mean, I didn't necessarily ask her out, but I made my feelings known and my intentions clear?

 

By the way, thank you to the two of you for replying. Your advice is very helpful.

[mpower95]

But isn't the talk I had with her sort of making my move? I mean, I didn't necessarily ask her out, but I made my feelings known and my intentions clear?

 

By the way, thank you to the two of you for replying. Your advice is very helpful.

 

I'm sure she knows your intentions are clear, but you are getting a false sense of security from these phone calls. If these two hour conversations are just about her and her relationship, then you need to rethink your strategy.

 

If you want this woman, then you've got to act on it. You can't just give her advice forever hoping she'll eventually fall for you. The problem here is that you haven't asked her out or attempted to make a move. This woman is showing some interest in you, but if you keep acting like a friend then thats all you will ever be to her.

 

I think the reason you don't want to ask her out is because you're afraid of rejection and perhaps losing contact with her all together. No one likes rejection, but we all have to deal with it and you have to face the fact that you may not end up with this woman no matter how hard you try. Go in with the mindset that you ARE willing to give up on this girl if it doesn't work out.

[westerner]

Thank you mpower, that is very good advice.

 

My feeling is this. I told her, at length, that I wanted a relationship with her and made it clear that if she wanted the same thing, it would happen. You're right, I haven't made a move by asking her out and I also will not deny that I'm probably afraid of losing contact with her if that attempt fails. But if she is with this guy, the "I still have a boyfriend" answer is the one I'm going to get, right?

 

These conversations we have are not all about her and her relationship. In fact, that is a very small part of what we talk about. If she even mentions his name, I usually change the topic. We talk about a variety of things and enjoy our conversations.

 

I just feel like she knows how I feel and if she felt the same way about me as I do her, she knows I would be with her without a moments hesitation. Now, if somebody feels like I should further this by asking her out for a drink or whatever, despite the things I've already told her, then by all means I will.