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Posted

These are the basics: I became emotionally involved with a man..who at the time was single..but going through a divorce.He began dating the woman who would becime his current wife soon thereafter...because ..in HIS words:..."she got pregnant and he is trying to do the right thing"... Ok heard THAT line a million times before.

 

I have NEVER had a PA with this person. It is PURE EA. W have a great friendship...he knows I would never do ANYthing with him as long as he is married.

 

On with my point:

 

My brother who is my closest friend...knows my FULL story..and offers his support/advice with no judgements..which I LOVE him for.

When I discussed my situation he offered some VERY insightful advice.

I could never understand WHY this MM claimed to NEED me SO much if he had his W...granted there M is not exactly a storybook romance.HE CHOSE TO MARRY HER!!!!!

 

He said something that makes SO much sense to me....

Which is..I am his ESCAPE. Period. Whatever that means.

I am the trap door to his marriage. He knows as LONG as he sees that

little exit out the back door..he never has to walk through the front.

 

So in essence.....as long as he has an "escape plan" he can still feel safe and secure.

 

All I am doing is providing him MORE comfort and security. He never has to do a thing..EXCEPT do a little "maintenence" now and then....(call you and make you think you are special) as a way to make sure that "trap door" doesn't get too squeaky and 'alert" his wife. "He LOVES" her after all....So whatever he has to do to keep that "squeak down...he will.

 

Let me tell you.....this analogy made me sit up and realize he is RIGHT.

This man is not making me any promises. He never will.

Well...once I finally let this "theory" sink in..it dawned on me that my brother was 100% CORRECT...and it was up to ME to insure that "trap door' was not only slammed shut but completely removed.

 

All I am doing is providing the 'lubricant" to shut me up...and let him maintain the status quoe. By being there...emotionally/physically..whatever..he never has to TRULY deal with HIS ****ty relationship...because I am ALWAYS there to pick up the pieces!!!!! That is NOT my job...period.So I quit.

 

Ladies..and Guys...Please STOP being a trap door for these people.

You can demand more simply by your actions.Not a word needs to be said.........just STOP. Right now.

It will save you a WORLD of heartache.....

Posted

Just by reading your thread it made me feel as if I could move on with my life and let this jerk go! Thanks

Posted

Good for you! I'm glad that your brother has opened your eyes.

 

This MM may care for you deeply, be your friend, but it's totally selfish and self serving on HIS behalf. You continue to feed a need, one that he has gotten used to, something his wife can't give him. Cut him off and end it completely, he doesn't deserve to have you in his life.

 

she got pregnant and he is trying to do the right thing"... Ok heard THAT line a million times before.

 

She got pregnant, but he had a good helping hand in that. Definately let him go so he can continue to do the right thing for his unborn child and his wife.

 

Good luck and I hope you find a single man worthy of your love and affection.

Posted

Wow, that's pretty interesting. So basically, as long as I am there for him, he will be able to stay in his M because I am his escape? The one he can count on to cry to when things are bad?

 

Isn't that what a best friend is for? Oh brother, the more and more I read things on this board, the more angry I get at the guy. He has no idea where half the stuff I say to him even comes from...this board it comes from!!!!!

 

He also calls me Crazy and Glenn (as in Close), which I think is His way of transferring all his anger and guilt onto me. We didn't expect this to happen between he and I. I don't think anyone plans an affair. It's not like, "Okay, let me marry this lady so I have a wife and it all looks good, then if I meet the right girl, I'll just have an affair with her." Or is it like that?

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Posted

Hey G.....

Yes this IS what best friends are for...fortunately for ME..My brother hppens to BE my best friend..and can offer a MALE perspective as well.

 

YES..what I am saying is ..as long as you're MM can "confide:" in you and "dump" on you about his marriage....and you comfort him...he is getting EXACTLY what he wants. A friend who he wants to sleep with AND a counselor ALL in one!!! WHY bother working on the M?????

 

I got caught in this trap too. Please know...it will NEVER EVER end....it's up to YOU to end it. He won;t...he has the PERFECT arrangement.....

Posted

We have no long-term goals or plans here. Well me, I live day by day, while he needs an agenda. He asks me all the time how long this will last--I tell him at least until I find someone else. Right now that would be the only reason he and I would end this. Or his wife finds out for sure and kills me--either / or ;)

 

What I mean about the best friend thing is for the MM, isn't what the OW is to him more or less a best friend's job? Someone to talk to about your problems? I guess in a way he is also finding other benefits from me. As of now, I have not slept with him. We have been in this affair since July. This isn't unusual for me, at least, to be in a R for Four months and no sex. I take it slow...

 

I'm not sure if I will have sex with him. We both want to, but it's never the right time or place. I don't need it, per say, right now at least. Sooner or later, temptation will take over us completely.

Posted
We have no long-term goals or plans here. Well me, I live day by day, while he needs an agenda. He asks me all the time how long this will last--I tell him at least until I find someone else. Right now that would be the only reason he and I would end this. Or his wife finds out for sure and kills me--either / or ;)

 

What I mean about the best friend thing is for the MM, isn't what the OW is to him more or less a best friend's job? Someone to talk to about your problems? I guess in a way he is also finding other benefits from me. As of now, I have not slept with him. We have been in this affair since July. This isn't unusual for me, at least, to be in a R for Four months and no sex. I take it slow...

 

I'm not sure if I will have sex with him. We both want to, but it's never the right time or place. I don't need it, per say, right now at least. Sooner or later, temptation will take over us completely.

 

Hi Gwenyth, I agree with Playbrat that he will not leave his wife when he has his wife to meet his "wife" needs and you to meet his "best friend" / emotional needs. He will DEFINITELY never leave his wife when you start having sex with him. Why would he go through all the trouble to end his marriage when he is literally having his cake and eating it too?? He will have sex with you and have his emotional affair with you, and go home to his wife. That is what they do, that is why they are married men having affairs.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, just trying to help. I don't want you to be someone's side piece, as you should be the main dish (and the appetizer and the dessert and any other courses they might be enjoying at any given time :)).

Posted
These are the basics: I became emotionally involved with a man..who at the time was single..but going through a divorce.He began dating the woman who would becime his current wife soon thereafter...because ..in HIS words:..."she got pregnant and he is trying to do the right thing"... Ok heard THAT line a million times before.

 

I have NEVER had a PA with this person. It is PURE EA. W have a great friendship...he knows I would never do ANYthing with him as long as he is married.

 

On with my point:

 

My brother who is my closest friend...knows my FULL story..and offers his support/advice with no judgements..which I LOVE him for.

When I discussed my situation he offered some VERY insightful advice.

I could never understand WHY this MM claimed to NEED me SO much if he had his W...granted there M is not exactly a storybook romance.HE CHOSE TO MARRY HER!!!!!

 

He said something that makes SO much sense to me....

Which is..I am his ESCAPE. Period. Whatever that means.

I am the trap door to his marriage. He knows as LONG as he sees that

little exit out the back door..he never has to walk through the front.

 

So in essence.....as long as he has an "escape plan" he can still feel safe and secure.

 

So now you have a theory of what you do for him, what you provide for him in his situation... what is it that he (or the situation) does for you that makes it so impossible (?) to walk away..?

 

I suppose I especially don't understand OW who were there before the marriage too... how did it happen that he married her and you still remained there in the wings..? Then again, its not so far different from any other OW situation, I suppose... watching a man 'perform his duty' (she's pregnant, got to marry her not you) which is keeping him from you..?

Posted

You nailed it!

 

I can give you an even grosser analogy.

 

You are his commode. The place where he unloads his sh#t.

Wow, that's pretty interesting. So basically, as long as I am there for him, he will be able to stay in his M because I am his escape? The one he can count on to cry to when things are bad?

 

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