lodo Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 I've been reading forum posts after stumbling across LS doing heart-broken google searches during my now month-old separation. I guess it's time to post my story. My wife and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5. Three years into our relationship, she moved to start graduate school. After 4 months long distance, she told me she didn't want to be together anymore because she didn't think our relationship was going anywhere. 8 months of pain followed, with a lot of back and forth on her part. It was only when I told her to never contact me again because I couldn't take the pain that she re-evaluated and we got back together. She was unhappy in graduate school, so left with a master's instead of a PhD. A year and half later, we felt good about where the relationship was heading and decided to marry. Since the beginning we knew we'd always shared a deep connection, feeling relaxed around each other and always able to talk. Professional circumstances led us back to the west coast and I started a master's program on top of a full-time job. I hated the job and found it almost impossible to make friends, and started sinking into a depression, followed by drinking. My wife didn't say anything, and we slowly stopped doing things together or being intimate. She was working on research with grad students at a college and realized she could reinstate and get a PhD for the work she was already doing. After 3 months of focusing on that, she announced one night that our relationship was a burden because of my negativity and lack of common interests and she only wanted to concentrate on her work and not be together anymore. She moved out immediately. Like everyone else, I didn't see it coming but I was obviously already having problems. Amazing how fast you can snap out of it when you get an unexpected push. I've cleaned up my act and am trying to take care of myself and change my outlook, and it's working. But I want my wife back so bad. She is still wearing her ring and has agreed to go to MC, but told me she doesn't feel like working on it, won't put any energy into it, and doesn't see any future for the marriage. She usually has a big emotional wall up when we see each other, but when she relaxes, it's obvious we still share a connection. I've done a lot of wrong approaches - pleading, telling her I've changed, etc. - and am now just trying to focus on myself, but it's so hard. Last night she called and we had an incredibly intimate and emotional conversation and I thought a corner had been turned, but today there was only a cold email and she seems even more determined to stay apart. Anyway, I've taken heart from posts by PWSX3 - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t129081/ - and the description of doing a 180 posted by reboot - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t136361/ What's spooky, though, is I went back and read letters from my wife during our first separation and she said almost the exact same things she's saying now. Thing is, I don't know if I can take that amount of pain and indecision again. When do you know it's time to let go when you still love someone?
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