A little input ...very discouraged.

[SYRACUSE03]

Here's my story and people on LS have been great.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t136396/

 

I really thought that I was doing the right thing by not pressuring and doing all of common mistakes. Things were good, and that I mean pleasant, safe and it seemed that I was headed in the right direction to at least make an attempt at this relationship. I was getting really good responses from my ex but now it became no contact on her part almost overnight. I'm still chugging along and doing what I have to do but I don't know what I did wrong and I'm getting a little discouraged. Isn't the objective of changing to improve yourself, create an attraction and learn from past mistakes? Again, we have mutual friends and she is currently not with anyone. Just another question for the women...does anyone have a good (or logical) explanation for this? It seems I could be in the same spot if I did all of the "taboo" mistakes/actions most of us do. Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond.

[melodymatters]

I'm sorry syracuse, but we simply can not control how people feel about us. It's not like you have done anything wrong, then or now, she simply is not in love with you.

 

Now why would you want to be with a woman who doesn't love you with all her heart ? Who's eyes don't light up when she see's you ?

 

You deserve that, so forget about THIS one and find THAT one !

 

Good luck

[SYRACUSE03]

Hey melody...thanks. Your post really hit hard. It's very hard to take and understand how someone could shut off their feelings like a lightswitch. One minute they want to be with you and the next they want nothing to do with you. I guess she was never in love with me to begin with. You are right, I deserve to be with someone who loves me with all their heart and lights up when they see me...I thought I had that or at least it felt that way. One thing I disagree with is "not doing something wrong". There has to be something on my part that drove her away. Like I said before, I would really like to know so I don't push away my next relationship. I'm not going to drive myself into the ground but I sincerely hope I find out. Thanks again for taking the time to post your thoughts...I really appreciate it.

[bustertypsy]

Syracuse,Melody speaks wisdom,wisdom,wisdom.

There is not a thing you can do to make this person feel about you the way you want them to feel.Either they want you or they don't.

The best form of attack is to back right off and give them the time and space apart to weigh up the situation.

Worse case scenario,they won't come back.Best case,they will.

Either way ,the decision is out of your hands,so don't tempt fate.

I wish you well.

[melodymatters]

I'm glad my post hit home I remember once this BF of 6 yrs abandoned me with no notice, just came back one day and his things were gone, no note. We started Talking again and decided to give it another go. I had no idea when he'd be getting into town, and was simply catching a ride home from a wedding with a guy friend who had a crush on me. When I saw "joe's" car in the driveway, I guess my face lit up and I RAN towards the house. My friend with the crush said he thought that was so beautiful, and he hoped someday somone would " run to him" that way.

 

Of course it didn't work out and the splitter, split again a week later, but my friends words always stayed with me.

 

Now I want someone to run to me, all lit up like a christmas tree and won't settle for less. I think you should join " my club";)

 

As far as "doing something wrong", well we are human after all. If you didn't beat her, cheat on her or were otherwise abusive, than I can't really see how you did anything "wrong"

 

Keep posting and send me a PM when you hit that " magic number" that allows you PM priveleges.

 

Good luck and hang in there. I know it's especially hard around the holidays !

[SYRACUSE03]

Thanks both of you melody and buster.

 

I'm not looking to make someone feel something they don't. As for backing off, I did and will continue to do so. It's tough since she lives 5 minutes away and I'm sure we will cross paths eventually. I never did anything such as cheat, be abusive, etc. I guess I just went with the status quo and never thought much to keep her interested because she was "here". Like I said before, I cannot hold much against her because she deserves to be happy too. I just kick myself sometimes because there are so many little things I could have done which may have helped. I do hope that sometimes, just sometimes, she has a moment to feel what I've been going through. Thanks again for reading my posts!

[bustertypsy]

I know what you mean when you say you regret those little things you could have done.You are feeling guilty and trying to blame yourself.

Don't blame yourself.There isn't ANY relationship out there where everbody does things perfectly.

As humans we make mistakes,which makes us learn.

You said you were never abusive or cheated on her,so don't beat yourself up over the lesser issues.We all make mistakes.

 

Just give her time away from you.She will also be analysing things and will also see where she could have done things differently.

All relationships are a two way affair,so the fault lies with both.

For her to be able to think about things without pressure put upon her, is your best bet,if there is to be a reconciliation

[SYRACUSE03]

Thanks buster...but for some reason, I still feel guilty. Now little things become clearer. Now I'm starting to remember specific times in our relationship, which I didn't think twice before, where I personally could have made a difference. You are right, it is a two way affair and at times I didn't pull my weight. I must admit however, during the relationship, I did have opportunities to make some changes and for some reason I didn't. That's why I'm kicking myself. I do hope you're right, that she sits and thinks sometimes. I'm not saying that she ever wants to reconcile but at least she would see that it wasn't a bad relationship and that I did, for the most part, treat her right. This relationship break was tough because I never had this happen before. I've really never had a lack of unanswered questions that bother me so much. Thanks again for the response.

[SYRACUSE03]

Well another weekend goes by of NC. When I think it supposed to get better, it doesn't. Decided to go Christmas shopping yesterday and it was tougher than I thought. Just wanted to get out of the house but the music and everybody walking hand in hand hurt. Hey...good for them. Firts time in 5 years so it's a little tough. I'm really not motivated to put up decorations either. Anyway...just had to vent a little. Thought I would be farther along after a couple of months but the holidays set me back bigtime. Thanks for listening.

[iwanttolive]

Hi Syracuse, I read ur original entry. From what I gathered, there should be a reason y she left at the first place. Everyone changes over the years, my guess is she wants a different life than what she's been leading with you. *Don't mean to be harsh* It could be a more exciting life, it could be a new guy 180 degrees opposite of u. At the same time, before she achieves this life fully, she did not want to lose the old life completely. So she hanged on and letting go slowly.

 

This gal seems like she's making use of you. Like what the other entry said, you can't will another person to love. I believe ur a great guy. I dont think you're lacking in anything. Your life can be fulfilling if you let it. When it is, a wonderful someone will be waiting at the end of the room.

 

By the way, thanks for replying my entry earlier. I'm new in this, it's great to read so many wise words...

[SYRACUSE03]

Hey..I don't mind the harshness at all. I do not want anyone to sugarcoat anything. You are right, maybe I wasn't exciting enough due to the age difference. I thank you for the compliments but I have a lot of learning to do. I am really struggling to find out where I screwed up to push her to leave. I know I'm a good person but that doesn't always cut it. I really thought that I was doing the "right" thing by putting her first and never intentionally trying to hurt her. Your self-esteem takes a major hit and I dread the day she gets a new b/f. I've always been of the mindset to work on things rather than walk away but I need to snap out of this fantasy land and wake up to reality. It's been 3 months and sometimes it seems like I'm at square one.

 

It's a very, very hard lesson to learn. I wish my ex had more faith in me. I honestly never felt more loved than when she was with me so I can't say anything bad about her in that respect. It's very hard to be angry at someone when you know the fault most likely lies in yourself. Thanks for the kind words but I'm not looking forward to dating in my mid 30's. I don't think that most single women are looking for that...or at least where I am. Thanks for the post and let me know how you make out with your situation.

[iwanttolive]

Hey man... for ur info i'm 25, almost the same as ur ex. My ex is 10 yrs older than me, so almost the same as you. His life is more happenng than mine, he goes partying every night. Whereas me, at most on weekends... So its not true that gals my age looks to excitement and guys ur age are not exciting. It's about ur values and aspirations.

 

Tell me about feeling down for christmas shopping. I'm living alone in a foreign land. I'm d only child and my parents are across the sea. But, there are frens who care for you, family members, no matter where they are, want u to be happy. Are we going to let them down for someone who lets us down? They dont deserve this.

 

By the way... my ex is so good with sweet words that ur whole being just melts at his words. When he courted me he said "Would you trust me to lead you in this complex world, knowing that your hands are safe in mine and i'll never let go?" After he broke up with me, he emailed me "I hope you are fine. I've been praying hard to our God that you'll be fine. I care alot for you as a friend".

 

I figured - IF HE NEEDED TO SWEET-TALK ME, THEN HIS INERT QUALITIES AIN'T ENOUGH TO ATTRACT ME

[SYRACUSE03]

I understand that my situation is not as bleak as some people and each day I try to look at things a little differently. I am trying to approach each day and be thankful for what I do have, not what I don't have.

 

My life is different from my ex's. I don't have anyone to come home to. She comes home to her mother and her mother's b/f. I'm sure there is converstaion, things to do, and it's easier for her to keep her mind off of things. Dinner is ready, laundry is done, no bills...no worries. I can't compete with that.

 

I go out occassionally but I always come home to the empty house which is not how I want to end my day...especially if it's been a fairly good day. I have to take care of the dog, make dinner for one and watch TV alone. It's not a pity thing, it's just reality and it's tough trying to adapt to the new situation but eventually I'll get there.

 

I do have values and aspirations but sometimes hard work backfires on you. For example, I would work overtime to buy nice things for the house. She wanted a new kitchen, I busted my butt to make it happen. I just wonder if it was worth it to spend all these extra hours working and fixing the kitchen when I could've been spending more time with the ex. I guess I find it difficult to find a happy medium.

 

My family has been there for me but I don't want to ruin their holiday. There is only so much that they can stand too, even though they want to be there for you. I wish you luck as well.