I asked him to leave...

[Tired03]

I guess I finally did it. 7 years together and it was finally more than I could bear.

 

If you look at my other post, you'll see that I summed up a little but I guess I have to talk and this is a safe place.

 

I met him when I was trying to recover from an alcoholic relationship - not mine, my ex's. My ex is a functional alcoholic and a drug addict, and there are only so many times you can see someone laying on the floor with wet pants, or so many times that you can deal with someone screaming hysterically at you about untrue things and you can't defend yourself because they are beyond argument. I had finally moved out of that situation and moved to a new town with my two children, when I met my husband. He was charming, articulate and wanted to take care of me. When we met, he was also going through a divorce and at the time I thought that it was her fault...she left. I suspected that she left him for another man, but that is neither here nor there.

 

We got together very quickly and within about a month I discovered that I was pregnant. Not at all what I wanted to happen, but apparently I'm rather fertile (or was, I'm not anymore) even though I was on birth control. We moved in together shortly thereafter. There were warning signs...he always seemed like he was defending me against the two children that I already had. If they were behaving poorly (just normal 5 and 1 1/2 year old stuff) he would take over and was very harsh with them. After we moved in together, it became worse, and he became physical with them. At the time, I justified it - he was a single guy with no kids when he met me, and didn't "come with" the children. At the time I thought that maybe his cultural upbringing was different and that I could change the way he behaved by saying things and modeling appropriate behaviors with the kids. At the time I thought that perhaps it was the sheer amount of stress we were under (I was pregnant, he lost his job, we both worked at the same place and they basically made me do his job and mine, he was going through his divorce, the house we were living in didn't actually belong to the landlord so we were being evicted despite paying rent).

 

He finally found a job in another state and we moved. I was supposed to stay home with the kids but I found a dream job at a horse barn (even though I'm a professional, horses are my passion, so I jumped at the opportunity). He will never forgive me for not consulting him before I interviewed. I interviewed and got the job, and I told him about it and he didn't really say anything one way or the other, so I decided to take it. Even then, his remarks were starting. I wasn't doing enough for the kids, I wasn't doing enough housework, I wasn't paying bills appropriately.

 

He claimed that he was supportive of my horse endeavors but would complain if he had to watch the kids after work (which is when people are available to take riding lessons). He would complain when people would call me on the cell phone to ask questions about their horses. I tried to explain that in this kind of business it's almost like being a doctor or a vet. You have to be available for people because they rely on you for advice and opinions. I thought about going back to school and becoming a vet but I chose not to after I realized that he was not ever going to be accepting of me getting out of bed for emergencies or even the amount of time that it would take for me to go through school - even though he said he would be his behavior showed me otherwise.

 

He complained constantly that he always had to finish things for me. He started to be even more physically abusive towards my sons, my eldest in particular. He put holes in the walls and bent a big heavy duty skillet (I'm still not sure how). I walked on eggshells so as not to piss him off, because I knew that if I did, there would be an argument. I chose not to argue. I have a strong flight reflex when things get tense, and I tend to either shut down or feel the need to leave the room. I never go far, but I just have to get away. That was when the first incident of physical abuse happened to me. He grabbed my wrists and wouldn't let me leave the room. He was yelling in my face - I don't even remember what the argument was about - and I was scared and trying to get away. I had bruises on my wrists afterwards but I believed him that I was being difficult.

 

It happened again one night at a hotel when we had a night out together. I drank too much (guess when you don't drink much anymore your tolerance goes way down) and he didn't want to sleep in bed with me because I was sick. He was disgusted with me. So I took my rings off (I was still drunk at this point). He freaked out, screamed at me, broke his glasses in half, I started crying somewhat hysterically and he grabbed my wrists and pinned me to the bed. I asked him what he was doing and how he could do this and he slapped me. All I could say (I was so shocked) was "You hit me".

 

We moved back to our original town at his urging. I got a job here (making almost twice my original salary) and moved here with the kids while he prepped our house to sell. I didn't want to move back but he insisted that my parents could help with the kids and that we would be happy here. I clung to that. But soon it started again, he wasn't happy with my apartment, he wanted to save money but he wanted to live in a big house. When I was away for work, he and my mother rented a house "for us". He got a job in the same town after about a year and moved back into our house. I was struggling to keep up with everything because I work full time (in a professional and traveling job), have 3 children, had two horses, did all the bill-paying and bookkeeping, all the filing, most of the housework, and almost all the cooking. But apparently I wasn't doing it well enough. He would snark about everything. Nothing I did was right.

 

During this time, the abuse to the kids escalated. He hit my then 11 year old across the face (I don't even remember why) when my son stood up to him. I heard him scream from upstairs. He called him an ********* and a jerk. I came running down the stairs and distracted him from his anger, but I was unable to think properly enough at the time to ask him then to leave.

 

Finally, two weeks ago we had an argument. I had had a few glasses of wine and I finally was brave enough to suggest that we go for marriage counseling. He got angry - supposedly first because he can't argue with me, then he told me later it was because he didn't want me to leave and drive. He grabbed my wrists, and pinned me to the bed. I tried to get up and he blocked the door. Then he pushed me down onto the bed. I got up again to leave and he grabbed my wrist again, so hard it left bruises.

 

The next day we didn't talk about it until later that evening. He claimed that I was impossible. That I was a bad mother for not being attentive enough to the kids. That I never finished anything and he always had to take care of things. That it infuriated him if I didn't do something that I said I would (sometimes I overbook myself...okay, I do that more often than not because I can't seem to say no).

 

Anyway, fast forward, I called my counselor and two domestic violence hotlines after some of my friends pointed out that this was abuse. They agreed. They gave me the numbers for some batterers intervention programs. I gave them to him and asked him to separate during this time. Not because I believe that he's that dangerous, but rather because I know if he's sad I will have trouble sticking to my guns. I need to, for the sake of my children and for myself.

 

So now I'm sitting here alone (the kids are all at friends houses) wondering if I've done the right thing. I want to preserve my marraige because when he's good, he's wonderful, and I'm hoping that this step will help. Because if things don't change now, I won't be able to do it anymore.

 

If you've read this far, thanks - I just need some support. I tell very few people about it. I'm not shy, but I've been trained for a long time to keep my own feelings under wraps and to deal with other peoples. I can't do it any more.

[Gunny376]

Sounds to me as though you've got your head together except when it comes to this guy.

 

He's got anger-management problems ~ and he needs to stay gone until he gets a handle on it~ and I mean for good!

 

And the problems you've listed? They're not problems! They're this little thing I like to call "Life" Things happen, good and bad, and you've got to take the good with the bad. We don't always get what we want, but if we try ~ we'll get what we need.

 

Children? they're children? I spanked both of my grown children a total of once ~ each when they were growing up. But they went into training from the get-go.

 

Sounds to me like the DH has a case of "azzholeitiz"

 

Life's too short to be living it the way you've been having to live it.

[Tired03]

Yea, wow, phew. When I read through that (and even that is a summary) I'm amazed at the story. It's like it's someone else's life, not mine. How unbelievable is that. I have distanced myself from the truth for so very long because it hurt too much - avoidance and denial. I'm amazed at how much clearer I feel already, and how much more able I am to do the small things that he complained about in the past (moving stuff, cleaning etc.) now that I don't have someone b8tching at me constantly to do it. Like this huge weight is off my shoulders.

 

I'm still sad, and I still miss him, but wow, this feeling of a lack of oppression is pretty incredible. It's like a ball bouncing back I'm almost, dare I say, happy....