PandorasBox Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 I was wondering for the OW involved with MM, does your MM make you feel loved/wanted? Do you feel they put you first? Or do you feel you're second to their family? I always wondered, because in my situation when my H was involved with OW I felt like I was second. This of course was before I even knew he had another woman. He started acting weird and strange. I felt like he didn't want to be with me, and that I wasn't good enough for him. He made excuses to be out. He purposly looked to start a fight so he could leave etc. He was spending money on the OW and not on me for things such a gifts for birthdays or holidays. That's when I knew something was up. He truly acted like I was not that important anymore and I was not first priorty in his life. I have heard of some men really playing it up for the wives to throw them off track to make them think things were fine when infact they had someone else. They didn't make their wives feel second best, to keep them from suspecting anything. Then there are some men who make their wives feel first and to them the OW will come second anyway. So, did/does your MM make you feel second best next to his fmaily? If so, is it something you're ok with?
Ariadne Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Hi, So, did/does your MM make you feel second best next to his family? Of course. His family was the most important thing. He loved his wife and according to him, his wife never did anything wrong. He was the one that was wronging her. She was high up there. Also, he never wanted to be a day apart from his daughter. Basically, his family was Godly and sacred. If so, is it something you're ok with? For a while I dealt with it because I wanted him bad. Then I ended the whole thing. Ariadne
kchiapet95 Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 This is a toughie for me, Pandora. According to MM, their relationship isn't that great. They are more like roommates than husband and wife. MM works A LOT of hours, so truthfully, he doesn't have much time for either of us. I don't think about it in terms of, being second...although I am second to his children and I should be. But, they are older, so when something comes up with them, it's usually something like, "This one got caught drinking underage," or, "I have to teach this one how to drive." I think it must be different when the children are younger. I never really thought about it in terms of "best" or "second best". Maybe I should start.
Author PandorasBox Posted November 23, 2007 Author Posted November 23, 2007 Hi, So, did/does your MM make you feel second best next to his family? Of course. His family was the most important thing. He loved his wife and according to him, his wife never did anything wrong. He was the one that was wronging her. She was high up there. Also, he never wanted to be a day apart from his daughter. Basically, his family was Godly and sacred. If so, is it something you're ok with? For a while I dealt with it because I wanted him bad. Then I ended the whole thing. Ariadne Oh Ariadne, I have known a man who was like that before too! He was someone me and my ex H knew along time. He put his family way up on a pedastool, praised them beyond belief and talked about them as if the wife and kids were the greatest thing, but yet was out with another OW. I never really understood that. The thing is, I really truly believed he felt the way about his family, that he said he did.
Ariadne Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Hi, The thing is, I really truly believed he felt the way about his family, that he said he did. I'm sure he did too. In other cultures it's very common for men to have several wives. They all get along well, respect each other, and it's just how life is. But here in America if men have more than one woman they are bastards. Ariadne
Ms_Natalie Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Being the OW, I have never felt 2nd best, apart from the first christmas we were together. He spent that at home with his wife and 3 children...he moved in with his mother the day after just to ensure that his decision was being understood by his W. She had cheated on him throughout the 17 years, no affairs, just one night stands and when he met me, we clicked instantaneously. He was born 5 minutes away from me, however he moved 130 miles away when he was 15 when he lost his father. His family lived by me and his friends from his childhood...he wanted to move home! He lived with his mother for the next 6 months, this reassured me that he was being true to his word. he drove 130 miles every weekend so we could spend the weekend together. I never gave him an ultimatum, I didnt want to be the OW. I think this helped considerably with his trust for me. His love for his children is totally different compared with the love he has for me. The disctance causes problems but his children understand that he has moved home to be with his family. He talks to them everyday and they accept that I am "daddy's girlfriend". His wife was a nasty piece of work and his children have told me that they are finally seeing happiness in their father. I never feel second place to his children...he shares platonic love for his children and that is something I would never need or want to compete with. For his wife???....she had it coming to her for years. Sorry its long
Lizzie60 Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 In my case, I want to be second, after his family. I had an argument with my current MMs (and broke off with him for some time) because he wanted to leave his family. I know the children should always come first. I don't think I could live with myself knowing the children cry themselves to sleep at night. It could be different depending on the age of the children though. But from my experience with many MMs, the OW comes first in some ways, and second in others... Most of the time, he loves the OW a lot more than his W, but just can't leave because of the children.
EnigmasMuse Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 I know the children should always come first. I don't think I could live with myself knowing the children cry themselves to sleep at night. ~Its possible they do that anyway, depending on how much they know or don't know. Plus they will probably cry or be upset no matter if you're first or second would be my guess. Most of the time, he loves the OW a lot more than his W, but just can't leave because of the children. ~What makes you feel that they love OW more than the wives? Is that based on the fact that they have OW to begin with? Or is this what they have told you?
Lyssa Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 When he was married, I feel loved and wanted by him. Whatever that was going on with his kids, he would share it with me. Would ask for my opinions as well, I thought that was very nice of him seeing that he was married at that time. Months before MM got a divorce, xW asked him if he had someone else because of the changes she saw in him but he didn't quite make his family feel second best especially his kids. I didn't expect him to put me before his family at all. I know family comes first so it wasn't really an issue for me at that time. Things are different now.
daisydufas22 Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 If the children really come first...he should leave! Why does his family have to live of lie of him being a faithful husband? Trust me......I grew up with a father who had a OW. Even though my parents are still married, I wish he had of left! My mother did not deserve to be 'worried' all the time and then discover years later he had a OW. It has a harsh impact on the family and even though we did not really understand what was going on....we knew something was going on! It wasn't until I was 16 years old that I understood he had an OW and my mother discovered that he had an OW. I don't consider the OW a home wrecking......my father is just morally bankrupt! IMO, any man/woman that cheats is! Just let the wife know.... she can then make an informed decision about it and the kids do not have to grow up in a house with so much tension! PLEASE!!!!
Lyssa Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 If the children really come first...he should leave! Why does his family have to live of lie of him being a faithful husband? He has left. They both decided to get a divorce seeing that things have not been the same for the past few years. There are MM who don't leave for some reasons and some OW are okay with that. I'm sorry for what your father has put your mother through and of course, you and your siblings.
daisydufas22 Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 He has left. They both decided to get a divorce seeing that things have not been the same for the past few years. There are MM who don't leave for some reasons and some OW are okay with that. I'm sorry for what your father has put your mother through and of course, you and your siblings. MM don't leave, well they should! You state that the OW are sometimes fine with it......Here's my point.......what about the wife and kids.....are they fine with living a lie? Probably NOT because they don't know they are living a lie!!!! I don't blame the OW.....the responsiblity is on the married man! He should chose (like an adult) and stand by that decision!
GreenEyedLady Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 I was wondering for the OW involved with MM, does your MM make you feel loved/wanted? Do you feel they put you first? Or do you feel you're second to their family? My partner makes me feel loved and wanted and has shown me this through his actions...He puts me first and anticipates my wants and needs... A long time ago, I did feel second best, and it hurt me deeply...And so I let him go, because I could not continue feeling like I was not as important to him, as he was to me...And he came back and I demanded certain things from him, and he gave them to me...He became a wonderful, caring partner to me...and he loves me and he is making things right, now...
Lizzie60 Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 I know the children should always come first. I don't think I could live with myself knowing the children cry themselves to sleep at night. ~Its possible they do that anyway, depending on how much they know or don't know. Plus they will probably cry or be upset no matter if you're first or second would be my guess. Most of the time, he loves the OW a lot more than his W, but just can't leave because of the children. ~What makes you feel that they love OW more than the wives? Is that based on the fact that they have OW to begin with? Or is this what they have told you? No.. I know for sure that his family has absolutely no clue... he adores his daughter... and she is a very happy kid. All my MMs who have kids are amazing fathers.. the wife and children have no clue and they are good to them... they are all financially well off so the family do not suffer in any way. I know most of them do not love their W the way they love their mistress... but I have to say that in all 'my' cases, they respect their W and they are 'best friends' they would never hurt her.
Lyssa Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 MM don't leave, well they should! You state that the OW are sometimes fine with it......Here's my point.......what about the wife and kids.....are they fine with living a lie? Probably NOT because they don't know they are living a lie!!!! You might want to ask that to the Ws. My brother was cheated on by his first wife. He wanted to make the M work but she wanted out. So they divorced. There are people out there who would still want to make it work even after they find out their spouses cheat on them. There is also a few Ws who left their Hs for cheating on them. So it's not just up to the MM, their Ws have the right to decide what's best for them too. Some people actually live by this saying - "What they don't know, won't hurt them".
CallMeCrazy Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 I was wondering for the OW involved with MM, does your MM make you feel loved/wanted? Do you feel they put you first? Or do you feel you're second to their family? So, did/does your MM make you feel second best next to his fmaily? If so, is it something you're ok with? He definitely makes me feel loved and wanted! There are times when I feel first and times when I know I'm second. This is something I struggle with because it is not easy being 2nd or 3rd... Part of this is because he has kids, and I don't ~ so it's always harder because they will (and should) always come first. Emotionally, I like to think I am first because we talk about things that I don't believe he shares with his W anymore. However, they have been together for 20+ years so that is hard to compete with! Holidays are the worst... and hopefully there won't be too many more where we're apart, but who ever really knows. At some point I will have to decide if what we have is really worth all of this....
daisydufas22 Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 You might want to ask that to the Ws. My brother was cheated on by his first wife. He wanted to make the M work but she wanted out. So they divorced. There are people out there who would still want to make it work even after they find out their spouses cheat on them. There is also a few Ws who left their Hs for cheating on them. So it's not just up to the MM, their Ws have the right to decide what's best for them too. Some people actually live by this saying - "What they don't know, won't hurt them". LOL.....What they don't know won't hurt them? You all tell us not to judge you and your MM......but YOU judge what is best for others.....LOL! You make the decision, not to tell cause it won't hurt them LOL.....TOO FUNNY!!! Thanks for the laugh ......I needed it!
Lyssa Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 LOL.....What they don't know won't hurt them? You all tell us not to judge you and your MM......but YOU judge what is best for others.....LOL! You make the decision, not to tell cause it won't hurt them LOL.....TOO FUNNY!!! Thanks for the laugh ......I needed it! I didn't say I live by that. I said some people - could be anyone. I suppose you don't read very well.
nadiaj2727 Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 LOL.....What they don't know won't hurt them? You all tell us not to judge you and your MM......but YOU judge what is best for others.....LOL! You make the decision, not to tell cause it won't hurt them LOL.....TOO FUNNY!!! Thanks for the laugh ......I needed it! Daisy -- Perhaps the miscommunication/ misunderstanding comes because Lyssa's boyfriend is no longer married, he divorced his wife. Therefore he is not technically a MM. I hope this helps clear up the tension?
daisydufas22 Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 I didn't say I live by that. I said some people - could be anyone. I suppose you don't read very well. No I read quite well thanks.......IT WAS IMPLIED not a literal meaning.......
daisydufas22 Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 Daisy -- Perhaps the miscommunication/ misunderstanding comes because Lyssa's boyfriend is no longer married, he divorced his wife. Therefore he is not technically a MM. I hope this helps clear up the tension? Tension? No.....just expressing my point of view. A bit confused ....... thought that's okay on the Net. Thanks for the information! All I am saying is ........ affairs are not worth the heart-ache for all involved! If two people really love each other and engage in an affair, please tell the person that is being left in the 'dark' because they can then move on and no live a lie!
nadiaj2727 Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 All I am saying is ........ affairs are not worth the heart-ache for all involved! If two people really love each other and engage in an affair, please tell the person that is being left in the 'dark' because they can then move on and no live a lie! I agree with you 100%. Some OW (like myself... I was an OW but now I'm not) think that the W *will* soon know that MM is in love with her (usually because MM has told OW that he is getting divorced). Hopefully if they wise up to the fact that MM is not really getting divorced, just saying he is, or hoping/ wishing he will, then OW will remove herself from the situation because it's not right for anyone involved, including W who is in the dark, and OW who is not in the dark but who may have been "tricked" into thinking MM is a lot closer to divorce than he originally made it sound. (I am NOT saying that justifies OW for getting involved with a MM no matter how close to divorce she honestly believed he was.) Now I realize that even if MM is separated, it's no reason to be with him until his marriage is completely and objectively over (by means of a *finalized* divorce)... and even then, MM may change his mind about his feelings for the object of his former affection, b/c things were so hazy during his divorce. So I think that *morally* a woman should not get/ stay involved with a MM unless W is fully aware that MM is seeing other people b/c they are in the process of divorce (the only true kind of "separation pending divorce", in my book, and even then, not the best course of action... why not just wait until she is not *legally* his wife?). But in addition to morals/ integrity, the best "common sense" advice I've heard about these situations was "always finish one relationship before you begin a new one, and only date people who follow this rule." If more people follow that advice (including me, in the past!), there would be no OW and no OM and no in-the-dark spouses.
OWoman Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 I was wondering for the OW involved with MM, does your MM make you feel loved/wanted? Do you feel they put you first? Or do you feel you're second to their family? ... So, did/does your MM make you feel second best next to his fmaily? If so, is it something you're ok with? There has never been any "competition" between me and his kids - at no time has he ever had to "choose" one above the other. His kids are teens, as are mine, and when I'm over there we plan around the demands of their schedules (lifts from sports, etc) as we do when he's over here, around my kids. If "family" includes his parents, siblings, etc then yes there was once he had to choose - between driving me to the airport or taking his mother to hospital. It was a no brainer - if he hadn't taken his mother, I'd have lost respect for him anyway. His mother felt guilty and really bad about it, that she had no "right" to impinge on "our time" but she's like he is: always putting others first, never thinking of themselves and their own needs. (He's getting better at that though, from counselling.) But generally I've always had the sense of being loved, of being cared for and cherished. And if being "put first" means him dropping everything there to fly out to me (a long-haul flight) at a moment's notice just because I said I'd rather discuss something face-to-face, then yes, he does definitely put me first.
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