kchiapet95 Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Today I am supposed to talk to MM. He promised me he would set aside time today for us to talk, about our future (if there is any), our feelings, my feelings about the pregnancy and miscarriage, and everything. I am feeling so confused about it, because it's a difficult time to think about the relationship. But I was trying to think about what to say to him, yesterday, and all I could think was "I am tired." Maybe it's the hormones, but I am just exhausted of this roller coaster. I want to get off. Yet, when I think about actually saying, "I can't do this anymore. I'm tired, there's no end in sight, and I've lost so much," it scares me. We've known each other for 2 years now, and have been dating for 9 months. He was part of my life, I've seen him or talked to him almost every day for the past 2 years, and it's hard to just think that's it, that I'll never see or talk to him again. But I am tired, in every way, physically, emotionally. I just don't know how I'll react, I've been very emotional. Maybe this is a bad time for this, but I kinda want to get something resolved...and I admit, I kinda want to see him too. I still love him, I still care about him, and I'm grieving. So maybe this is the wrong time to try to sort this situation out. But maybe I'll have the strength to say, "I need to move on and leave you behind." I'm just kinda venting really...it's aimless, no direction to it. I just wanted to get my thoughts out so they don't consume me.
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Be very careful. And what I mean by this is, you're VERY vunerable right now and if he is a sweet talker, don't fall for it. Just hope he isn't going to feed you lines like, "I'm leaving my wife, it will happen by summer's end", or "Just give me two more months..." IMO, the timing for a serious conversation about your future with him isn't right. He knows this too, ANYONE who has been through a traumatic experience isn't ready to make any logical decision. With that being, don't make any choices. No expectations of anything.
Author kchiapet95 Posted November 23, 2007 Author Posted November 23, 2007 I've never received any definite time limit from him. He's said things like, "I don't want to uproot my daughter before she graduates from high school," which would be next year. So I don't really expect any promises of anything. I don't know what to expect. And I don't even feel well, I think I'm getting a sinus infection or something. I have never broken a "date", although he's broken a string of them, I'm wondering if I should tell him I don't feel up to meeting and talking tonight. I do want closure, at some point, I want to know what is going on. If it's over, I want it to be over and if he wants to be with me, then I want to know what he is doing in order to make that a reality. EVENTUALLY, I want to know the answer to that. But right now, all I want is to be held.
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Because you're feeling sick and more than likely coming down with a sinus infection, CANCEL. This has nothing to do with how many times he's cancelled on you, it's about you and your health, and your frame of mind. I mean, if a friend (woman friend) wanted to get together with you, chances are, you'd cancel because you weren't feeling very well, so don't let the fact it's him make you feel like you have to go meet up with him.
Author kchiapet95 Posted November 23, 2007 Author Posted November 23, 2007 You're right, I know you are. Because it's him, I want to move heaven and earth to make sure I see him, because it's so rare that I get to see him. I do feel miserable, and I really just need to get some rest. Nonetheless, I'm going to play it by ear, and see how I am feeling when it's time for me to leave work. I should at least be feeling well when we have "the talk."
GreenEyedLady Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 I think you should take a break...Tell him this is too much for you to handle right now...He's not giving you the support you need and that you need a break... You don't need all the added stress right now...And if you don't hink anything is going to get resolved, resolve it yourself... Taking a break doesn't mean that you'll never see each other again or THE END...Perhaps it will be the kick in the butt he needs if he really wants to be with you... Men will not change what they are doing unless there is a REASON...Right now, he has no reason to change his status...He has his world with her, and his world with you...If he truly loves you and wants to be with you, he will do what he needs to do to keep you...It will take some time, but it can be done... As for now, take care of you...Let tomorrow worry about itself...You are a precious woman who deserves happiness and a partner who will put you before himself... (((HUGS)))
Author kchiapet95 Posted November 23, 2007 Author Posted November 23, 2007 You're right. I'm exhausted. I haven't even completely healed (physically) yet, I have a doctor's appt on the 28th to make sure everything is OK. Last Sunday I was bleeding so heavily and I was terrified, but the doctor told me that was normal, especially since i had been up and down the stairs doing laundry, I overdid it and that's what intensified the bleeding. What I'm trying to say is, I'm probably not in the best place emotionally to be having this meeting. The very reason I'm so eager to meet with him is the reason I shouldn't do so. I'm vulnerable, lonely, and needy, desperate for any little crumb of affection, and that is EXACTLY the wrong place to be. I need to be strong, I need to be determined, and I need to be sure. But what if that never happens? You're right that if he loves me, he'll do what it takes to be with me...it's the uncertainty that is so brutal. And you're also right that I need to take care of myself. Some days, like today, it's an effort just to stay at work the entire day. I'm just tired! I really appreciate your posts, GEL. Thank you.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Be really careful, sweetie...Make sure not to drink any alcohol, it's a blood thinner and could cause you to hemmorrage...And you might be anemic from blood loss...I'd suggest either going to the doctor to get your blood checked or just start taking an iron supplement... (((HUGS)))
Author kchiapet95 Posted November 23, 2007 Author Posted November 23, 2007 I actually was anemic even before and during the pregnancy...the count was at 9 and it's supposed to be 12 or something. I assume that they will check that during my appt on Wed, and maybe they will suggest I take iron then. My weight has also fluctuated so much...I was 98 lbs at the end of July, jumped to 113 just before I lost the baby, and now I'm at 110, which is a bit higher than normal..I generally weigh around 105. But I think anywhere up to 115 is normal. I haven't checked the chart. **Edited to add: just checked the chart, for my height, I'm on the high end of the weight scale...it's obvious that I've gained weight, but I don't look bad, and I won't worry about it right now. That's the last thing I need to worry about, though I feel bad about gaining weight, it was for a good reason.** Thank you for the hugs.
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