Grace112 Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 I was wrong to try to put space in between us after we would fight. I should've stayed by his side. By trying to get away from the yelling, I pushed him away. When I let him know that it was okay that he'd be gone on business because it would give me time to spend with my friends, I made him feel like I didn't want him around - that was wrong. When I wanted to give him time to think about how he was treating me, I was wrong because he loved me despite how he might yell. I regret so much about how I acted. It seems so unfair that I can't try to make things better between the 2 of us. How was I supposed to know he was testing my reactions and talking to people about calling off the wedding? Had I known things were that seriously wrong for him, I would've changed. I thought it was just another one of those ups and downs we went through. Boy, was I wrong. I would give anything in this world for another chance. What we have is too special to just give up. How can he be ready to move across the country to be with a girl he just met? I love him too much for this to be my reality.
Trialbyfire Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Grace, you're sad because you feel you've lost someone you love but did you want to spend your life with someone who yells at you?
Author Grace112 Posted November 23, 2007 Author Posted November 23, 2007 He would apologize when he realized that the yelling was out of hand. When I went home with him the last time for our engagement party, I saw first-hand that his family experienced the same sort of irrational anger that he did. He and his grandmother went at it about a parking spot. I understood at that moment, it was a family thing, but I guess after I left, I let that knowledge disappear once the yelling turned to me. He's a good man and I was wrong. I ran away when he yelled and that just made him think that I didn't love him. I was so wrong to do that and I regret it with all of my heart. When you're truly truly sorry, why can't you take it back and fix it? The pain of regret is not going away. I know I was wrong. That's why every morning I wake up with a deep ache in my chest. I was wrong to hurt the one I love - I didn't mean to, but I know that I did.
Trialbyfire Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Grace, you weren't wrong. There's no excuse for yelling, regardless of dysfunctional family patterns. He's put the burden on you about losing him, where clearly, in the yelling, he was wrong. How long were you together, dating and engaged?
Author Grace112 Posted November 23, 2007 Author Posted November 23, 2007 We were together for 5 years, engaged for 2, the wedding was supposed to be mid-September and he called it off at the end of July. I know it's not right to yell, but if I was the one that was causing the yelling - then it is also my fault. He'd yell about random things like food, but he'd also yell about my insecurities. The last fear of mine was that something was going on between him and a specific co-worker. Granted, he did have a couple of relationships with co-workers (he and I worked at the same company) in the past while we were broken up. But, I knew over the past year that he was making a concerted effort to tell women that he was engaged. Yes, he slept with the co-worker after he called off the wedding, but I'm sure it was just to hurt me because I made an issue of it. It was stupid for me to be worried when he was the one who showed he wanted to be faithful to me by asking me to marry him. I know it was a huge step for him and I didn't acknowledge and respect it - rather I angered him with my fears about his faithfulness. I feel like I've grown up alot between now and then. His gestures weren't small. I should've appreciated them more. I was wrong to let my petty insecurities get in the way of our relationship. I soured our love and I am deeply regretful of it.
Trialbyfire Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 So it's your fault that he yelled at you and it was your fault that he slept with the woman you were concerned about? More than likely you had good reason to be concerned about this woman. I can't believe how badly he's eroded on your self-esteem. Please re-read what I wrote, against what you wrote.
Trialbyfire Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Grace, love isn't about always agreeing with the other person and doing what they tell you. It isn't always smooth sailing, so you will argue about things. Both of you have to be prepared to sit down and talk about it. What you end up with is compromise and giving sometimes, taking other times. No one person should control a relationship and no one person is always right.
funkybassplayer Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 No one should treat someone with such a lack of respect, just count yourself lucky you never married him.
MagnoliaJane Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Grace, to me it seems you are trying to blame yourself, find the reason for the breakup within yourself, because perhaps this way you hope that YOU can still fix something. I truly hope that you will stop putting the blame on you and can move towards acceptance. It's not about who is to blame, it's about seeing what is left. What is left are you, Grace, and the possibility to start loving yourself for who you are. Not blaming yourself for something you could not control. Nobody can control how life is turning out. Sometimes bad things happen, and they happen to the best of people. Peace.
Surfer Girl Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Automatically you assume the guilt of you being wrong.... If you could really look at it at a different level... you will find it is not you.... Don't blame yourself... Every one has ups and downs... If you are truelly in a loving relationship... you talk about it... you don't break up... Try to look at it as an outsider... and you will find it is not about you.... but about him not wanting to be with you.... We all want to find fault and fix it... but in the end... If you really look at it from an outside perspective... perhaps it wasn't you but him....
Trialbyfire Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 There's a major difference with accepting your own flaws and responsibilities for the dissolution of a relationship and something completely different to hoard all fault to yourself, therefore, self-flagellating yourself to the point of eroding on your self-esteem to this level. As another member mentioned, is this a control issue? If it's your fault, you can fix it by becoming everything he wants? This is no longer a situation of what went wrong. I think you need to focus on strengthening yourself, on learning to love yourself again.
climbergirl Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 Grace, I haven't posted in quite some time but I had to comment on the 'yelling'. What does yelling do? Nothing. There is no constructive reason to yell, but to either vent ones (his) own feelings or to belittle and put the receipient in their 'place'. If you really look at it, it's a completely self-serving mechanism with no mutual resolution involved. The person yelling is all about 'them' and is nothing about you. Yelling is about you knowing how they feel without caring how you feel. Arguments should be about resolution and problem solving. People certainly do and will have conflict, but your guys way of dealing with it will bring nothing but heartbreak for you. Furthermore, your insecurities should have been dealt with w/o him getting so angry. If he truly loved and cared about you, then he would have either stood by you and try to understand or told you he couldn't deal. Both are respectable. But I hate for you to think that this is your fault. Is it possible that you two just aren't compatible in your way of dealing with conflict? Yelling never bodes well for a healthy relationship. I just want you to understand that he's part of the equation here, you cannot possibly be entirely at fault.
carrotgirl Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 Grace, I had a quasi similar experience a couple weeks ago where GD, my ex, and I fought. It was probably the first time we fought something out between us until there was both understanding and resolution. Even in the best of relationships, I think that's a tough thing to achieve reliably it takes a lot of time and a lot of trust. Generally, I don't care to fight. I just think life is too short. That doesn't mean I'd namby pamby my way through our troubles but, as rarely as we were angry with each other, I felt it was easier to take a time out and return later in ten minutes or ten hours... GD voiced, once, what he didn't like about my lack of engagement in lovelorn warfare. He felt like my walking away was a sign that I wasn't fully committed, either to him or to my own values. This wasn't the case and he knows that now but his impression then was that I cared but at the first sign of trouble, I'd withdraw. Only recently I started to fight it out and so far, so good. And we're not a couple anymore either. What I'm learning is despite what GD might have said when he broke up with me, there is nothing I can do to make him stop loving me. So we can fight and we can apologize. We can carry grudges. He carries a couple. As long as we're getting it out in the open, it seems like we're finding ways to work through even if there is no fix. If this is what you're trying to communicate about your lack of staying and pitching a fit when your ex was yelling at you, I can understand your self discovery, but remember not a bit of that lets your ex off the hook for failing to communicate with you as a peer and loving companion (by not yelling). He doesn't get regard for his failure to express what he wanted to have with you in terms of communication either. What the others are pointing out is that taking all of the burden of your romance failing is really just bullshiiting yourself. It's not respectful. It's martyrdom, it's patronizing and it's just another control tool. When we martyr ourselves we think, gee, I'm being so strong, but it's really the opposite. Whereas looking deeply within and charting room for improvement is making an investment in a stronger, more attractive you. Carrot
Author Grace112 Posted November 24, 2007 Author Posted November 24, 2007 Thanks to everyone for sharing their thoughts on my situation. This was my first serious relationship. He was my first time, my first love, my first everything. Because of this, I know made mistakes because I was and am still learning how to be in a loving relationship. I'm not trying to be a martyr - I've spent the past 4 months trying to figure out what went wrong. When someone makes the decision to ask you to spend the rest of their life with you, it's not a decision that's made overnight. Equally, when someone decides that they want to cut you out of their life completely, I don't see how you can't wonder about where the love went. The love and the commitment was there - obviously I did something to make it go away. I don't want to control him. I want to be with him. I want to be the best person I can for him. I want to make him happy. I understand that he doesn't think that I could do those things for him, but I think he came to this reasoning in a faulty way. He always looked to others opinions rather than mine when it came to things about me. For example, he told everyone of my insecurity about his co-worker, but also said he didn't know who or why I was upset even though he admitted to me that he "flirted with her, but nothing was ever going to happen." If he leaves out these types of things and lies about others, of course, his friends are going to think poorly of me and they are going to try to talk him out of the marriage. They only had his word to go on and never even met me. So what he ended up believing about me was based on mistruths. All I want is the chance to show him who I really am and how sorry I was for the way I acted. His decisions were based on so much misinformation I don't think he would still choose to leave if he TRULY saw me. I would never say or do anything to intentionally hurt him. The way he left shows that I obviously did and I hate that I could hurt him so badly.
carrotgirl Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 {{{Grace}}} Please forgive me if I wrote poorly. I wasn't saying you are a martyr, only trying to caution. Sorry. I wasn't trying to add insult to injury. No one needs that! Carrot
Trialbyfire Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 I'm not trying to be a martyr - I've spent the past 4 months trying to figure out what went wrong. When someone makes the decision to ask you to spend the rest of their life with you, it's not a decision that's made overnight. Equally, when someone decides that they want to cut you out of their life completely, I don't see how you can't wonder about where the love went. The love and the commitment was there - obviously I did something to make it go away. Grace, no, I doubt you were trying to be a martyr. It's either a complete erosion of your self-esteem or you're trying to control the situation. Maybe it's a little of both. No matter which one it is, this isn't a healthy perspective for you. There's no way you can control what's happening in his life or what emotional/mental state he's in. You also can't control how he perceives his external influences, including your actions. If he feels he needs someone to accommodate his yelling, don't you feel you deserve someone better than this? Do you feel it's your just due in life to take his issues as your own?
Author Grace112 Posted November 24, 2007 Author Posted November 24, 2007 He didn't always yell. Perhaps, I'm painting him to be worse than he is. When things were good with us, I couldn't have asked for me. He was sweet, affectionate, and would even bring me flowers for no reason. He genuinely loved me at one point and I believe that with all of my heart. My best friend is married to someone who is manic depressive and bi-polar. She experiences many ups and downs in her relationship, but she knows anything that ends up being hurtfuls stems from his illness. With my ex-fiancee, he was great until things started becoming difficult for him at work and with me. I think my needing to put space between him and his yelling was the thing that flipped his switch. He always needed plenty of attention - we always had to sit in the same room, he didn't like me working late, etc.. When someone needs that much attention, I think part of his screaming at me was because he couldn't verbalize how much he needed me to be around. I truly hurt him. I don't think it's me taking on his issues as much as it is being supportive of what the person you love needs.
Trialbyfire Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 Do you feel it's your just due in life to take his issues as your own? I'm requoting myself. Read it...please. I renege on my comment about not being a martyr. I think there is a martyr quality or an idealistic belief that if you love someone enough, you should be able to take any and all abuse they dish out to you.
carrotgirl Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 He always needed plenty of attention - we always had to sit in the same room, he didn't like me working late, etc.. When someone needs that much attention, I think part of his screaming at me was because he couldn't verbalize how much he needed me to be around. Yah. I'm taking mine back too. Grace, this is abuse Grace. You always had to sit in the same room? He didn't like you working late? What's the etc? I'm curious because what you're describing about his needing so much attention that he screams at you when he doesn't get it is not normal. And it's not normal to accept responsibility for provoking behavior like that. It is not your fault that he isn't able to control his rage. Have you tried any talking-type therapy with a counselor or even talked about this with family? Carrot
sedgwick Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 So wait...it's your fault for not reacting differently when he yelled at you?!?
Author Grace112 Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 Yes, I actually started therapy early in the year - around February - in an effort to work through my issues before I got married. I also wanted us to go in for couple's counseling. He yelled through one session and walked out halfway through the other back in June. Then he called off the wedding 6 weeks before the big day and that was the last I saw him. I continue to go to a therapist on my own. I think I reacted poorly to his yelling. I could've kept calm and recognized what he was yelling about. He wasn't good with verbalizing his frustrations and ended up yelling at me about the most random things. I knew that then and I know that now, except in the moment, I got angry he was yelling at me. I let myself get caught up in the heat of the moment rather than REALLY hearing what was going on.
MagnoliaJane Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Grace, when you write that you were not really HEARING the reasons behind his yelling you are actually writing that you want to be his therapist. A lover can NOT be someone's therapist, nor someone's mother. A healthy, respectful relationship is about both partners sharing equal roles. It is not a realistic expectation to think that "if only I had...." things would have turned out differently. I suspect that if you had reacted differently the outcome would have been that you would have completely lost yourself. Would that have been worth it? To bend yourself backwards for the sole reason to be with someone? What about you Grace and YOUR needs?
Trialbyfire Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I let myself get caught up in the heat of the moment rather than REALLY hearing what was going on. You're still caught up in the moment, the moment of loss. If I, could I, should I...all to keep him. No one is worth it, to be consumed.
Author Grace112 Posted November 26, 2007 Author Posted November 26, 2007 I feel awful about the whole situation. I know that as more time passes, the less chance we have to reconcile. I know that I can't "make" someone want the same things that I do. I think that's what makes the break-up so difficult for me. I was ready to walk down the aisle and instead I was left confused and without the opportunity to make things better for the both of us. If you really love someone, how can you just let go and disappear?
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Grace...don't be so hard on yourself. There is a difference between yelling once in awhile and being abused. Only you (and your therapist) know the difference. Do not let this consume you. I read some posts by TBF and she seems to be on the money with her thoughts. We all wish we could do things different but we are human and we do not always make the best decisions. Maybe you could've done some things different but for yourself, you cannot change him. Good luck.
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