BritishChic Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Wow, where to begin. At first, I was a little skeptical about reading these blogs. I have been battling the after effects of an emotional affair by myself for the past two years and due to the complicated series of events and the dismissal that it 'wasn't a real affair' by co-workers and friends, I've always beat myself up thinking I am a 'loser' for not just 'getting over it' The truth is I am in alot unbearable pain and I just don't know what to do anymore. Starting from the beginning...I had an emotional affair with my married boss for over two years. We worked in the restaurant business which provided a very stressful intimate working environment and our relationship mainly consisited of phone calls, text messages, looking at one another for long periods of time, and lunch dates when his wife was at work. Our relationship was not consistent. He would fall out of my life for two or three months and then call as if everything was normal. We fought, made up, fought again, made up. At the time I thought I was madly in love but I was too afraid to admit to the feelings or say anything because I come from a family of high morals and values with parents that have been happily married for 26 years. I literally bullied myself everyday for being such a 'horrible person' for having these feelings for a married man What didn't help was his aloof attitude towards his wife. Which in my weak mind at the time justified why he was seeking attention from me. I kept thinking he was going to leave her, have some time for himself and come find me. I thought this was okay..so I waited and waited and waited. Our last conversation was 2 years ago in which he told me 'he had to start thinking about her'. I didn't leave my room for days, I was a mess. I was consumed. I took a transfer from our store and started fresh. I made new friends and I was doing great, until I decided to move to another state to further my fresh start. The day of my move, I found out through a friend that his wife was expecting their first baby. I remember falling to ground and sobbing. I thought I was doing okay, but I felt the pain all over again The fact of the matter is, is that she has just had the baby, its been 9 months, but I am stuck in this sadness and I can't move on. I cry all the time, I am moody and I now fully resent the aspects of having a child even though its something I desire more than anything in life. When I see babies I get angry, and when I see newborns I feel bitter. I find these negative feelings unbearable, but I really feel as if he was given a chance to start over and get away with everything and I was left in ruins. ]What makes it worse in my mind, is that through all the pain I took responsibility for my actions and apologized to him for our behavior, hoping he would be mature and do the same. He did not. How can I deal with all of this? Help!
PLAYBRAT Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Hiya BC.... I suggest you also post in the Other Man/Other Woman forum.... as what you are going through IS the end of an affair...where you were in essence in "OtherWoman". Question? Did you and this man ever have sex? Not that it matters..just curious. On to the rest...As for what you are going through..WOW...our stories are very similar....except MY EA was mostly online. What you are going through is very debilitating. Two years involved in an EA is a LONG time... what you are suffering is probably thinking of all the "what ifs'...and lack of closure. I posted in the OW/OM forum and have a thread...if you wanna check it out. Called "OW Challenge"... I think you may get a lot of support in that forum.... Anyway..hang in there.I know the pain you are feeling..
Author BritishChic Posted November 24, 2007 Author Posted November 24, 2007 Hi Playbrat, thanks for your feedback! First, to answer your question; no, no sex; but you could've cut the sexual tension with a knife. It was that bad. Secondly, overall, the lack of closure is eating me alive. What makes it worse, is that after picking myself up and tempting to heal from our horrific break-up, I built up this huge amount of courage to go and see him when I hadn't seen him in over a year, to find closure. I went up to his work place (where there were plenty of people who would always give me the stares..) with a letter in hand explaining the realistic aspects of our situation and why it wouldn't work out (in essence the letter was also to myself, accepting that I couldn't be with him) I tried. I tried to come clean to him and tell him how I felt at one point... Instead of coming to speak to me, he sat in his office and refused to come out.... He KNOWS I tried to seek closure yet he left me standing outside in a parking lot. It may seem obvious that this guy is a loser, but I couldn't and still can't to this day, wrap my mind around him being so inconsiderate when at one point he used to follow me around our restaurant seeing if I was 'ok' etc etc. He used to make it a point to show me he cared. He used to drive across the city to see me, and he couldn't even step outside of his 'safe' zone. What also makes closure difficult, is that I never told him how I truly felt. I am sure it was written all over my face how much I was crazy for him, but I felt like everyone saw it but him. All my friends would tease me because my face would literally glow after I would see him. I have never felt that way about anyone before. I wanted to give up everything I had for him, my feelings were so intense. Even to this day, five years later after first falling for him, I can easily say that I still would give up everything I have in my life, to be by his side. The fact that his wife never knew, also eats me up. She's sitting at home with his newborn child (something I dreamed about everyday with him, and she could've cared less about having a kid), she's probably feeling that life is complete and couldn't be any better! A child is a gift from God and Karma just skipped him completely. I want her to know. I want her to know what a cheating, horrible bastard he is. She's been married to him for 6 years, been with him 9...if I were her, I would want to know!!!! So, yea, alot of things eating me up right now. I am trying to just survive each day, but sometimes I feel as if this has defeated me. Sometimes I feel like this is what life is supposed to be like and sometimes I just want to not be alive anymore. I am convinced that I'll never feel this way about anyone else.
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