empress Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 its been awhile since i first posted here... things turn ugly for me and him lately i think. i went to his place lastnight and hang out for a little while.. he was at gym, but he let me go in by his back door. i was alone at home, and i saw his phone. i know its wrong to do this but i cant help it. i went through his sms. and found out that he is going out with his best friend that i knew long time ago.. the msg to her were so sweet and lovely, i never receive sms from him like this all these years. but yet he is not letting me know whats happening between the 2 of them.the moment when i saw the sms, i was shock and my body is shivering, i cant stop it, but i am glad that i didnt cry. he came back a few minutes later, i was not in a good mood. we went straight to have dinner at some restaurant, and he mention to me that he is preparing to relocate again. this making me even upset. i cant stop him from doing what he want, but things changes so fast between these few months, he was lovely and sweet to me after july.. but he change when he travel around and we didnt see each other that often. he went to meet his best friend more often, and brought his parents to meet her as well... i am jealous. but he doesn't care so much how i feel at all. i miss the time we were travel together, miss every single moment, but when i ask him to travel with me, he keep giving me excuse. i know my time is up. there is no way that he would coming back to me. he didnt treat me or acknowledge me as his gf from the first day untill now.. all these 4 years.. i dun love myself at all but keep hurting myself.
michael d Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 aloha there. first off, sorry you are hurting. all i can say is, you must confront him and tell him how you feel . if he does not respond, then he does not care enough to continue. and you don't want someone who doesn't love you, even if you love him very much. you must accept the choice he makes, because his feelings you can't change. it is very difficult. the 14 year love of my life left me 10 days ago. it seems she already has someone else. i am in agony. but i stay busy, work on myself, try to be strong. it is going to take a long time to heal, to be able to go a day without crying. but SHE has decided to move on, so i must as well. if you read on this site, people get thru it. it doesn't seem possible but it is. it has to be. the long road will lead you back to happiness. good luck, and write back if you need it. it seems to help. mike d
Author empress Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 thanks michael d.. i feel better when i saw your post.. thanks. i am sorry to hear whats happen to you too.. think letting go a long relationship its hard.. extra hard i guess. i have been thinking shd i confront him, i guess that i cant confront him as he is that kind of ppl that wont like to be confront. and i will make it worst, that i will totally have no chances to get back to him(see i am still have a little hope in me! but now no more) i cant eat, sleep, drink and function well through out the whole weekend... cant breath at all.. i cant take it anymore.. sent him a super long email in monday afternoon during my lunch time... and expect that he wont reply me nor call me after that.. but i still switch off my mobile.. yes.. i am scared.. scared that he will call me and saying things that i dun want to hear.. say things that he will hurt my feeling more... i felt instant relief after i sent him the email! i can breath and at least work normally. i told him how i so attached to him how he affected me.. if he is really with his good friend.. i dont think i am not good enough for him, only certaint ppl will find me special for them... tell him how i felt when he dun care and how i miss every moment when i was with him... he called me at the same afternoon, but my mobile is off.. i scared to call him back. he called me the next day again.. and we talk. alot. he said that he want me to be his friend. and this is the way he is. i asked him if i have chance, he said not now.. maybe 100years later or 10 years later... (why is that he wont tell me directly never than say this?) i shd have tell him that i want to go away and cut contact.. but it stuck, cos i guess i really scared that i will lose him if i say that. we met at the same night.. i guess he want me as his friend, we went dinner and i beg him to went back his house.. he said that going to cos trouble.. i promise i will not.. i seriously no idea why i wanna stay over... i promise that this will be that last time i stay over, thinking that i wont do anything to cos him problem. his friend was there, and we chat.. through the conversation, i realise that he been talking to his friend about me, and can tell that they are laughing at me, i went to bed myself and feel numb. i didnt cry but sad. he slept beside me but we didnt do anything at all... i left just now and took all my stuff... i realize that i am really not the one. just wonder why he don't want to tell me directly, that will make me feel better... my friend told me that alot of guys will take advantage of girl as long as they could untill the girl leaf by herself, is that true? i realize that there are nothing that i can do to bring things back together. i have to acccept the way things are for now. he said that if he found someone to marry, he will marry... that means i am not the one to him.. i left quietly this morning, without hugging him the one last time.. dun even look at him the one last time... this is the way he want... i guess i am not the only one who do this. my heart is bleeding. i feel miserable.
Author empress Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 he called me this afternoon! i was hesitating shd i answer, but sad to say i did. he sounds like nothing have happened before! and he trying to joking with me by asking me where is his towel and all kind of stuff... i asked him whats up and he replied that he just call to say hello. then we put down the phone, short call. i sound very cold. i guess he just call to see if i am still answering his call or am i switching my mobile off again... do you think he is scared as well? or he just see if i am still doing the same thing as last time, off mobile, not answering his call... why is that he is still nothing happen? its scary how ppl change. any idea pls?
kitkat289 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 you know it just gives them pleasure to know that their ex is still into them.Sometimes when you tell them about your feelings,they arent actually listening but just enjoying it as you must have realised that you do all the talking while he just says v little or changes the topic. He was just checking out if you decided to change your attitude towards him or not after you moved out because he liked reading your email and you are just a source of pleasure when you show your affection and nothing more.So do not let anything distract you now that he's finally with someone and work on yourself!
Author empress Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 thanks kitkat. i do think about that, reading my email to him will make him feel good or boost his ego, but i cant help it. i did regret after that, but i know i shd have not regret what i did. just wont understand why he will call again(only once). frankly speaking, i feel better when i heard his voice. but i feel sad after that.. i miss him, miss his voice. but whenever i thought about how he and his good friend.. my tear just cant stop dropping... whenever i thought about when he said "when i find someone to marry, i will marry" i feel sad and heart broken... that really hurt me. i actually thought that he would not contact me anymore.. but he did. he called me on my mobile, but i didn't pick up the phone! frankly speaking, i seriously miss him badly and really almost answer the call... but i didn't. cos i know it will never end if i keep respond to him. i do scared deep down in my heart that i sub-conciously hoping he will say nice things to me, but my head know it will not. i just being timid that don't dare to face the fact i guess... he didn't call after that. i know if he keep calling for the next few days (which i doubt so) without me answering the call, he will get the msg. am i right?
Author empress Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 its 3rd day... i cant control my mind thinking about him! oh no!!!!! he really not contacting me anymore after i didnt accept the phone call from him. i am in dilema, one side of me glad that he dun call, another side sad that he really leaving.. and thats the way it shd be... sad...
Author empress Posted December 1, 2007 Author Posted December 1, 2007 guys.. i am sorry that i have to write down my thoughts.. this can help me going through this periodi think... day 4.. no sign of him.. no call, no msg, no email from him.. i know i shdnt think or wiat for him... but i cant help it.. i miss him.. thinkhe really leave me this time.. i remeber he did this to other b4, he said that that someone not answering his call, he dun care at all.. guess this applys whats he think about me now as well... sad right.. i dream about him lastnight, thought about himfirst thing i open my eye this morning...wondering what is he doing making me crazy... wonder is he preparing to relocate now? wonder where he is relocate too.. what is his next plan.. is he going to move to his bestfriend(wonder is he gf yet) country.. or is he staying here still... i am glad that i didnt cry ever since the day i left his place till now,although i am sad.. but i think i am numb. all these year,he has been saying bad things to me, treat me like a nobody... i have flashback about all the words.. all the colc action, all the distants he created everytime.. repeatly non stop.. each time.. i have to build up my dignity, pick up my smile, telling myself that this is the way he is.. i cant change, can only accept.. untill this time he repeat all the distants again and the care and concern he gave to his bestfriend making me feel that he treat his friends much better than me, he treat me differently, totally. i amsad that we finish. he dun even wanted to create more memory with me... wonder why is he not willing to tell me off direvtly? wouldnt it be more clear cut and simple? make my life easier and his life easier too... i am happy to see him everyday, but i know he wont be happy.. i cant only choose to let go.. and disappear... day 4.
kitkat289 Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 its good to pour down your emotions when you cannot share them with someone.Dont worry empress,you are doing a great job and whenever you feel low,just dream about the one whos made for you,who'll stay by your side forever....You must have seen people who've gone through a ****ty relationship for like 10years or so and then after a lot of struggle they also move on and they do get someone who treats them like a princess and takes care of them for whole life.Wont you like to save your heart and soul for someone like that?Just start thinking this way and you will feel so much better.This is how I wipe off my tears and I know Iam gonna move on one day.
Author empress Posted December 2, 2007 Author Posted December 2, 2007 kitkat!! thaks for the understanding!!! my mind is not in function today! i call his best friend,the girl thaT he is seeing right now!! i amseeking for ppl to talk.. i just donno why i would still want to talk to her!!! she is in another country, and i thought my ex is still in town... but she didnt pick up my call... i donno why is that i have this feeling... i have a feeling that she is not convenient to talk right now... cos my ex might be around with her! i called my ex! and the ring tone is diff, and he is at her place!!! he didnt pick up my phone either! once i heard that he is at her country! i cant take it anymore!!! i need someone to turn to!! to express my sadness! they are together!!! i am sure i am not reading it too much! and i cant stop my mind run wild you know!! i feel miserable! i feel sad.. super sad!!! i need a friend! i cant do this alone now! i am sooo sad and have no strenght to do anything else! feel hurt.. very very hurt! i know everybody who have the same experience here feeling down.. making me no differents from other! but i cant stop! cant stop all these!! i wanna recover from all these ****!!! i seriously cant take it anymore!!!!
k10k Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 hey empress.. I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling such hurt today - I can't give much advice but I just want you to know at you are not alone. It's terrible when our minds can't stop thinking and I really do understand that it can be quite hard to control the thoughts and make sense of things at times - especially when we try to reach out and contact them and all we get is pain in return. Sometimes the only thing that helps me is to take a few long deep breathes. I tell myself to just be calm and to just focus on me - thinking about the ex and what he is getting up does no good - it's totally draining and you just end up going around in circles. And when I feel a wave of pain and hurt, I just put my head down, acknowledge that it is there, cry if I need to, soften it and let it go. I also find that having a long hot bubble bath helps when I'm feeling really down Also remember that you will recover from this, life may be really sucky right now, but it won't feel like this forever. Sending you a big hug!
kitkat289 Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 Yeah right...life wont be like this for long.Empress you need to start making new friends,start dating but change your rules,learn from past and be a really STRONG PERSON.In order to be a desirable person first of all instead of getting those hurt feelings hit you,think of all th ose moments in your life when you have felt overwhelmed like when people gave you compliments or start thinking of those fun times when you were with that another cute guy and not in love,start realising that you had to a life of your own when you werent depentdent on the ex.Tell yourself that you are single and happy plus "happening".Go shopping,treat yourself and do indulge in all those things that make you feel good about yourself. The only thing you can do to become 'happening' and have a life is by SEEING YOURSELF IN A NEW LIGHT,as a rockstar for whom these things are too small to bother and that you can do so much better by not letting this thing affect you.
Author empress Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 Thank you very very much kitkat and k10k! i feel much better when i saw your replied... i cried when i looking at it, i took few deep breath and few better.. i think we need to cry sometimes and let it all out.. it does help... after few moment by myself (although i guess a lot of time by myself) looking at your replied.. making me realize that i shd deal with myself now and stop thinking about him already, done about him already. he is happily enjoying his life with the new girl now, while he will never know that i am suffering and feeling miserable over about him. its not worth. i admit that its hard not to think about him, good or bad things about us. but i am trying, trying to overcome this disaster. i tell myself that if he is mine, he will be back. but i doubt so. i just have to put everything down for now and focus on myself than any other things now. stop thinking about that girl already! i believe that what goes around comes around. sometimes i do thinking that isit something bad that i have done for me to go through this... or he experience this before and now its my turn?
Author empress Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 day 7... i think i can cope better today... everything under control. a little update... his friend in town, and ask me out for a drink, and i went. i know if i meet his friend at this time, it will bring out some memory.. but i always have nice chat with this friend, i really do wanna catchout with him... (we were actually at my ex place, as he is with the girl at the other country, and his friend is bunk in at his place for few days. he asked if i mind to go to my ex place to have a drink instead, i said yes.) we had a long chat.. we basically chat for anything and everything.. but i try not to touch the topic about me and my ex.. and i think he did... but sometimes he did constantly mention about him.. we chat non stop for 4 hours untill 2am! he ask me to stay, but i think its best to go home, as i dun want to stir up any memory in that house, and dun want him to get me wrong as well. i am wasn't sure if its right for me to meet him and went over to meet him at my ex place instead thou...
kitkat289 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 hi empress, good to see that you are better and I also realised that Iam coping better by catching up with old friends and times just flies by talking to some nice,interesting guys. I only felt the temptation of calling up my ex when I was alone at home ( then I analysed as to WHY Iam gettin 'more' tempted than I was before and figured out that It was because I wasnt doing anything at that time and was simply bored and nothing else)Then instead of going to sleep(like I always do when I feel low and cant control)I, I listened to some peppy songs and enjoyed my time alone,made coffee,read a magazine.I realise how I actually love to be alone and love 'solitude'.I read some threads on LS and that kept me motivated and I think you must go through this thread.Its been appreciated by every member here and it really opens one's eyes and makes you feel that its not only YOU.This is what happens with everyone who's sick in love!I hope it helps,enjoy. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/
Author empress Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 hey kitkat.. thanks for the link.. it does feel better after i went through the link. i was dealing well these 2 days. just that i am wondering is he back in town, and have the temptation to call him or even go to his place like you said. i spent my time reading magazines and looking at the interesting thing from the streets.. my i must admit that i do miss him from time to time, every moment. sometimes good memory, sometimes bad... i guess this is normal, and i am going through my griefing period. once i over this, i will be fine.. just wondering how long is this going to drag me. agree that i do think of him when i am alone the most. but i guess i am worst cos whenever i saw some pretty girls on the streets, i thought of him, holding their hands and imagine that he is with them. quite bad huh? sometimes i even wonder if he think of me when he saw someone look like me, if he ever miss me when his phone never ring, his mail box empty... if he get sick when he is with the new girl, because she is not as good as me! i know i might just thinking all these silly stupid thinking out of nothing. but i guess, i have to go through this... i know most of the ppl in LS are going through similar case as me, we all have to been through this! i was with few friends these 2 days, think that they are trying not to stir the topic up in front of me... is this alright? or i shd just keep talking about it and let me be numb? i know if i talking about this topic with my friend, i will ended up crying... hope you will and are doing okay too kitkat! lets get through this together!
Author empress Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 i feel worst today! cried in the toilet during my working hour.. cant take it.. my mind is all him and the new girl.. i cant control! cant control at all! i nearly call him or text him. just to ask him is he in town? or is he still alive, he used to text me "alive?" when i didnt contacted him for a long time. but, not anymore. the more i think the more i feel that i am nobody. but i seriously donno why am i so attach to him! and i told him that i am attach to him soo much, does this scare him off? i would never be able to find out. if he is in town, i know i will be upset that he is back but never think of contacted me, if he is not. i will be sad too. so silly am i. i am not sure how many days can i last...
Author empress Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 i break down today and had let myself depress for the whole day. totally spoiled and ruin my plan. i thought i was doing ok. been trying not to think of him, meeting someone new. but just cant stop myself from thinking about him. i had let my imagination run wild and obssesion taken over my head. i start to confuse if i am in love with him or obsess with him. obviously when i broke down, all the good and sweet memories are taken all over my head and my heart. i text him! after 10 days and i text him, asking is he in town, i was sooo nervous and worry that he wont reply me, how would i feel. was worry that how would i feel after all he dun reply me. a few mins later, he replied. with a super short msg saying that "no, i am with XXXXr" (outstation) he dun reply or respond to me after i sent few followup text over. i feel hurt and so heart breaking. i regret that i sent him the text and he sound so cold. i broke down right after the reply. cant stop.. i am really upset. i donno why am i so weak. i wondering if he ever think about me when he is away enjoying his time... and why is ppl change so fast and so drastic. so scary. i started to think negatively... wondering am i normal anymore... i seriously have no idea how would i turn the upperhand over at my side anymore.. i thought i was totally ok.. but it seems like he is really dun give a damn.
kitkat289 Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 hey empress be cool! You are not alone in such situation.Its the same I felt when he kept on talking to that phone friend and made me waittt for around 3hours...imagine! All I was doing was crying and thinking of what to talk to not turn him off.Iam very jolly in nature and if I want I can keep him glued to the phone for around 1-2hours easily but my mood was sooo spoiled that I just wanted to be my normal self in order to make things better.And I prayed to God.Believe me it was an instant relieve.I was kind of talking to God instead of crying and asking questions. And guess what...though he made me feel like Iam a doormat but when we started talking,my sadness didnt show as we were just cracking jokes and had a real good time over the phone for 2hours(3am to 5am).He was sitting in his old room where there's only a chair and computer.His butt was aching,lol and still he felt so good talking to me.The chemistry we share,the sense of humor just never goes away. And I realise I have to pull away sometimes while talking and when suddenly I sound a little irrited he gets interested in me more.I just have to make him feel like that iam not here to entertain him,i do get bored.And even when I was really jealous of that girl, I was just cracking jokes telling him that he always takes interest in the girl when her relationship with her bf is going sour and that he's good at helping people in their break-ups.It was all in a good humor and he knew I was a bit jealous but all was fun and at the end he kissed me over the phone.
kitkat289 Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Empress only you know if he loves you or not.If you feel he loves you still then you SHOULD NEVER GIVE UP AND do silly things like texting even after 11 days. Make your target atleast 2months or more...think in months now not in days.Yeah,,lets do it together.You know I dont even have that much patience as you have.My max NC was 15days during which he just gave me 1 missed call and other NCs were of 4days,7days. Lets do WHATEVER it takes...2months,4months but never give up this time. If not 4 months,atleast we might end up doing 4 weeks NC initially.Think BIG and it will happen gradually.Just shout at yourself,remind yourself that it was supposed to be 4months when Iam feeling so weak only in 2 weeks! because he doesnt know your target(4months) so even your 4 weeks NC will do for you. Be optimistic,I know its so hard when there is another girl but damn you are Empress and there's nobody like you no matter how much time he spends with some new girl.There is nothing and nobody LIKE YOU and so you DONT HAVE TO DO anything like worrying,obsessing but things will just come TO YOU.
Author empress Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 hey kitkat! thanks for the the posts, and it help me a lot... it feel great that you know that you have a friend who at the other side of the planet and never giving up to give you support! thank you. i spent me weekend with all the thinking and insecurity... i admit that i am jealous that he is with his girl now and happily enjoy his life and he don't know that i am here suffering.. i cant take it again and sent him am email... short but cleared. and he replied me today. • "I don't want to make you sad and cause you trouble but i want to live my life and do what i want to when i want to. i don't want to explain where i am or what i am doing to you anymore. you need to stop asking for an explanation about me and what i am doing from now on. I am not treating you like nothing but i know that i am not giving you the attention you want anymore. I cant give you the attention you want because i have other things to do now as my life i now in a completely different phase and place. you are my friend and i will see you when i return. I hope you will still be my friend but my life is changing and i am not sure where it will take me." • you know what... i feel numb when i saw this email. i didnt cry. i felt upset and disapointed. i feel that is very obvious that i don't stand a chance anymore. i am actually glad that he replied me at last. and tell me things that i expected him would say. i am prepared. i was thinking the whole journey back home from work just now, and doing a lot of self-reflect. from time to time all these 4 years... he has been treating me like a doormat, and a nobody to him... i always giving in to him and trying to please him i guess.. we did have good time, good memories, but it wasn't long, he always keep a distant once in awhile, and i have to try to work hard to let him off guard again. its tired. worn me out. in front of his friend, he never show his love to me, i remember he only hug me twice in these 4 years,the hug that i can really feel that he hug me, and he miss me. you are right, kitkat. i shd not count by days, and i think i would not count by month as well... i know you are here and the rest of the ppl here are... giving me support... i know that he wont and don't love me anymore. i always waiting for him to tell me straight into my face. but i guess, this email. tells everything. i was working late just now, and guess what... i feel that i finally have a peace of mind concentrate my work completely. i will try to be optimistic, and thanks for reminding me that i am EMPRESS, and i am whatever i am. there is no one else can love him like i do. there is no one else like me at all... i will try my hard to not worry, not obsessing and not to think about him anymore. i want my life back. i sick of myself that cry for him so much i guess, its tired.
kitkat289 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Hey that's good that you atlast got to hear from him.I know we cannot accept even if we know until the other person finally 'says' it. Glad the picture is clear now and now you know you have all the things in your life which you couldnt do due to obsessing,crying about the past.You know sometimes its not love but just an obsession since we don realise that we have become slaves in the name of 'love'.Your feelings have been hurt everytime because you were living with hopes and you still wanted him because YOU DIDNT HAVE him that's it. What can help you with your new phase is-- creating a healthy,productive focus of attention(which was sadly him earlier).Everyday we look forward to their calls or any response from their side and when these little hopes become high we get shattered when the expected thing doesnt happen.Like on the 30th day of NC you are feeling good that you did it but then next week your hopes are high that he might call you now. So now just look forward to something else that could grab your attention so that you get diverted from his thoughts and this can help you heal. I wouldnt advise you to start seeing guys but trust me it would work wonders if you surround yourself with your male friends.Instead of coming on LS so frequently why not make some online friends and one day you could find someone interesting,who shares common interests and really cares for you.You need to really 'think' of somebody if you want the healing process to be faster. And everyday when you hear a song that makes you sad,just switch to a peppy song and weave a dream where you are a happy go lucky girl,full of life,who knows what she wants from her life and is ready to face all the blows,all the ups and downs.I always think of myself like an energetic person with magnetic personality and who just enjoys HIS OWN COMPANY,SOLITUDE (I especially do this if I just heard a single line of some sad song to wipe off any negative feelings that could overtake me) I hope it works and showers you with POSITIVE VIBES.
Author empress Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 still going strong... hope this will last...
Author empress Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 i had a cell from him on tuesday, the day i came back from a short getaway. he didnt know that i went away for a short while, to get over him.. to get myself in one piece again. he talk to me like nothing happened before, and sound cold. ask me how am i doing and hows my family.. but when i ask him about his trip, he just avoid or pretend that he cant hear my questions. he ask me for dinner today, and i say yes. but very sad and very worry for the past few days, thinking shd i meet him out again. i am scared, scared to death. scared that i will come back crying again, scared that i will have to listen for all his harsh words and cold look. i am scared. told my friend about this and she suggest me to go and meet him, sees what is he going to say.. but i am scared.. she ask me to face it.. rather than run away... do it once and for all.. but deep down in my heart.. i know i cant deal with it.. cos the feeling is still very strong. i dun want him to see me so weak, so emotional. i worried the whole afternoon, and finally decided to call this off... i seriously cant deal with it. i called him, he didnt pick up, i left a voice msg, he didnt call me back but reply me a text. "Anything to get out of buying dinner!" i didnt reply his msg at all.. i donno what to say really... seriously donno what to say.. but one thing i know.. i feel relief. total relief. i cried because i am scared, i cried because of going to see him happily like nothing happen... i am scared. i donno am i doing this right... i just donno... i know i miss him, but not this way...
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