k10k Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 Hi there, I really need some advice/insight on 2 things, I feel like a real pillock today.. First dilemma.. These past 2 days I started to feel really low again, missing my ex terribly - and I did something dumb and phoned him - dammit! I couldn't control myself and I was just feeling so horrible. I was a little teary, I asked him if he wanted to come and visit (I just felt I needed to talk, guess I'm still looking for answers, still depending on him, ugh, I really do know better! ) .. anyway, he hesitated.. I said "you can say no" .. and said he had plans tonight and this weekend, "but we can do something nice next week". I asked "Are you doing okay without me?" and he said "You can't ask me that question". Please can you speak some sense into me. It's like sometimes I just can't seem to get it into my head that he left and doesn't want to be with me anymore, I just feel so Second dilemma.. We lived together, and all of his things are still in the house (he only took his clothes that he wears regularly with him when he left). He was supposed to come and fetch everything after a month (its been 2 months now). For that first month I slept on the couch, and used my bed as a laundry basket, and then I finally got up enough strength to pack the rest of his clothes into bags and take everything of his out of the bedroom. I got new bed linen and at least I'm sleeping in my bed again - that was a big step! I just can't bring myself to tell him to come and fetch all his things. He is still paying for some bills (when we broke up he said he couldn't deal/think about that for awhile). So he decided he will pay them until January. But I earn enough money and can afford to pay for these bills myself, I even offered to give him the money for this. So.. 1) I feel guilty asking him to come and take his stuff because he is still paying for the bills and there isn't much space where he is staying at the moment; 2) Maybe it's because I'm still not at the stage where I can let go. Him moving everything out of the house will mean that he is really gone... Is having his stuff here stopping me from moving on, or is it just "stuff"? Is it fair of me to tell him to fetch it, or I should I just wait until January / he finds a bigger place to move to?
marty Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 hi 2 months isnt long dear, so dont beat yourself up too much. what your going through is completely normal. we all have a tendency to be way too hard on ourselves, and we do things we're not proud of... but its out of love , and it shows you care. he decided to leave,, and thats his choice,, your choice is how you handle it. its all about self protection right now and doing whats needed to help you move forward. he really should take his stuff. thats not fair on you, its like he's keeping a foot in the door. you dont need to be a bitch about it, but ask him to take his stuff away. having constant reminders around will only slow down the healing process. you really do have to start thinking about yourself now, be a little selfish, and do what you need to do to make YOUR situation better,, not his. treat yourself, pamper yourself, and most importantly ,do what YOU feel is right for you to move on. ask yourself,,, is what your doing helping you or hurting you?? in my opinion,having his stuff there isnt really helping. its not easy letting go, believe me, i and most of us here on LoveShack know. its a gradual process, and only you'll know when your ready to do it,, just give yourself the best chance. take care.
MattyTee Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Hi there, I really need some advice/insight on 2 things, I feel like a real pillock today.. First dilemma.. These past 2 days I started to feel really low again, missing my ex terribly - and I did something dumb and phoned him - dammit! I couldn't control myself and I was just feeling so horrible. I was a little teary, I asked him if he wanted to come and visit (I just felt I needed to talk, guess I'm still looking for answers, still depending on him, ugh, I really do know better! ) .. anyway, he hesitated.. I said "you can say no" .. and said he had plans tonight and this weekend, "but we can do something nice next week". I asked "Are you doing okay without me?" and he said "You can't ask me that question". Please can you speak some sense into me. It's like sometimes I just can't seem to get it into my head that he left and doesn't want to be with me anymore, I just feel so Second dilemma.. We lived together, and all of his things are still in the house (he only took his clothes that he wears regularly with him when he left). He was supposed to come and fetch everything after a month (its been 2 months now). For that first month I slept on the couch, and used my bed as a laundry basket, and then I finally got up enough strength to pack the rest of his clothes into bags and take everything of his out of the bedroom. I got new bed linen and at least I'm sleeping in my bed again - that was a big step! I just can't bring myself to tell him to come and fetch all his things. He is still paying for some bills (when we broke up he said he couldn't deal/think about that for awhile). So he decided he will pay them until January. But I earn enough money and can afford to pay for these bills myself, I even offered to give him the money for this. So.. 1) I feel guilty asking him to come and take his stuff because he is still paying for the bills and there isn't much space where he is staying at the moment; 2) Maybe it's because I'm still not at the stage where I can let go. Him moving everything out of the house will mean that he is really gone... Is having his stuff here stopping me from moving on, or is it just "stuff"? Is it fair of me to tell him to fetch it, or I should I just wait until January / he finds a bigger place to move to? Heya k10 I'm sorry your journey's hit a bumpy road too! I had got to a very similar place to you a few weeks back, when I had a desperate need to search for answers again. I emailed my ex and kept pushing. She had responded angrily and also told me some of the things weren't fair to ask (I think I asked whether she ever thought about us). I thought that by reaching some understanding of the situation I could move on peacefully. The thing is the only thing holding me back from being peaceful was me. The chase for understanding is a red herring because I don't think it really makes it any easier. I pushed and pushed until she said to me "I don't love you any more". That was the magical point for me, the moment when I realised that I had to become important and I walked away and said goodbye. Today, for the first time, I realised that she had helped me do that - in a perverse manner - and I also now realise she knows that she helped me do it. Three weeks ago I let go, I walked away and I felt a huge sense of relief. I can't tell you what will be your turning point but I know it will come. Perhaps you'll have to push like I did to hear something that may or may not be true - but something that triggers that response in you. You know you aren't a pillock But I'll say it anyway, you aren't a pillock. You also know that this is a small mountain on your journey, but I'll say that anyway too. You'll climb it, it will hurt and you'll make it. We need to hear these things to remember ourselves sometimes. I needed to hear a lot today and yesterday and people helped. Really, deep down you know the answers to all your questions. I also think that you are holding on to the stuff with a sense of hope. I know, because I did too. Once I let it all go, I felt a huge sense of relief. I think that you probably think that you should tell him to get the stuff, that you need to be clear of it to do the work on yourself that you need to do. I also think a part of you doesn't want to let that go. I understand and I know you'll make the right decision We can't tell what the future will bring. I thought I knew - I said goodbye and even had a bet with my younger brother that I would never hear from her again. Three weeks later I lost the bet and I got spun around again She commented on my blog, twice, with lovely things to say. Now I take my power, I say thank you for the beautiful goodbye and I keep walking. I know without a shadow of a doubt that we're not meant to be together right now. I also have a funny feeling our paths will cross again - who knows eh. I was wrong the first time All the best to you k10k. Blessings, happiness and love! Matt
Author k10k Posted November 23, 2007 Author Posted November 23, 2007 Marty, you are right, thanks for reminding me that I need to focus on myself and to do what is right for me. I reckon deep down I'm still fighting the situation instead of just accepting what it is. But as you say, "he decided to leave,, and thats his choice,, your choice is how you handle it." Matt - you are spot on about me trying to seek understanding, and I keep going back to him for the answers. But I don't get any answers from him and in the end it just makes me more confused - so yea, I guess trying to understand is pointless and I just need to find peace within myself. I'm so glad to hear that are feeling relief now that you have reached your turning point - that is a good place to be
MattyTee Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 It never just rains does it ... sodding pouring today. I'm thanking her for her goodbye today and moving forward again with just some love and happiness.
Author k10k Posted November 23, 2007 Author Posted November 23, 2007 o yea.. was a big storm for me yesterday, and still pouring today. ugh. when is that sun going to shine again!? on with our journey's Matty - we can only move forward from here.
MattyTee Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 I have the umbrella out too k10! I just ran two miles full pelt and I'm ready to get out and run two more. I sent the email, thanked her for a goodbye and my journey continues. Wishing you sunny skies K!
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