Virgo1982 Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 I had a friend who was in an abusive situation but continuously tried to make me feel like a soul-less whore for being in an affair. He would basically abuse her after she confronted him about the 4 (maybe more) women he was screwing. When she would try to leave him, I'd support her and tell everything she NEEDED to hear. When she'd go back to him, she'd show resentment toward me and show "pity" on me for not having a boyfriend. I understand that her ill-feelings toward me were probably rooted in her own drama, but I thought if she loved him enough to put up with him cheating on her and beating on her, why couldn't she love me enough to support me. I even tried to avoid the affair conversation altogether, but she insisted on bringing it up. And I also wondered if she thought I was being a bad friend by not ending the relationship after I found out he was M. But, I don't think you can expect someone to live for you. Not only that, me ending the affair wasn't going to stop him from cheating on her. A couple of those women didn't know she existed. Finally, I told her, "I do not want to talk about our relationships anymore because you're going to think I'm crazy and I'm going to think you're crazy." Then, while the three of use were in company, she told me I had angered her and repeated the statement quoted above. I stood by my words in front of his face and gave him a daring look-as in "I wish you would." He never parted his lips, but I was upset that she tried to create friction with something that was between her and I. I wondered what her purpose was. Then, she called to invite me to see a movie and have a discussion about relationships over dinner-with the MM and other couples. It was then that I knew she had to go. I did not cut her off completely, but decided she could not be my friend because it was obvious she had been purposely trying to hurt me. I still think about it from time to time. We were friends for about 9 years. Have any of you had an experience like this with friends or loved ones? Everyone is welcome to comment.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 I have never had an experience like that... She is not a friend...A friend would explain that it causes her to trigger and just prefer not to talk about it... She seemed to try and make herself look like a better person...Really catty and not a true friend... You're better off without her...With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Author Virgo1982 Posted November 23, 2007 Author Posted November 23, 2007 I have never had an experience like that... She is not a friend...A friend would explain that it causes her to trigger and just prefer not to talk about it... She seemed to try and make herself look like a better person...Really catty and not a true friend... You're better off without her...With friends like that, who needs enemies? That's what I thought. I tried and tried with her, but if the friendship isn't there, what can you do? I think she has a better chance of realizing what she's putting herself through if I'm not there to make her feel superior.
White Flower Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 I had a friend who was in an abusive situation but continuously tried to make me feel like a soul-less whore for being in an affair. He would basically abuse her after she confronted him about the 4 (maybe more) women he was screwing. When she would try to leave him, I'd support her and tell everything she NEEDED to hear. When she'd go back to him, she'd show resentment toward me and show "pity" on me for not having a boyfriend. I understand that her ill-feelings toward me were probably rooted in her own drama, but I thought if she loved him enough to put up with him cheating on her and beating on her, why couldn't she love me enough to support me. I even tried to avoid the affair conversation altogether, but she insisted on bringing it up. And I also wondered if she thought I was being a bad friend by not ending the relationship after I found out he was M. But, I don't think you can expect someone to live for you. Not only that, me ending the affair wasn't going to stop him from cheating on her. A couple of those women didn't know she existed. Finally, I told her, "I do not want to talk about our relationships anymore because you're going to think I'm crazy and I'm going to think you're crazy." Then, while the three of use were in company, she told me I had angered her and repeated the statement quoted above. I stood by my words in front of his face and gave him a daring look-as in "I wish you would." He never parted his lips, but I was upset that she tried to create friction with something that was between her and I. I wondered what her purpose was. Then, she called to invite me to see a movie and have a discussion about relationships over dinner-with the MM and other couples. It was then that I knew she had to go. I did not cut her off completely, but decided she could not be my friend because it was obvious she had been purposely trying to hurt me. I still think about it from time to time. We were friends for about 9 years. Have any of you had an experience like this with friends or loved ones? Everyone is welcome to comment. You were there for her and she turned on you. That is not friendship. She sees things in only black and white and was probably seeing you like his 4 OW. She probably thinks since you are involved with a MM that you would just do anyone who is in an R and feels threatened by you and wanted to announce in front of you both that she is fully aware and will not allow it. It's hard to lose a friend of nine years, but toxic is toxic and you should say goodbye to that. Good luck.
Lizzie60 Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 No.. never had a friend like that.. If I had I wouldn't have the patience to put up with her... I have 2 'best friends' .. eventhough they are against 'cheating' they do not support me per say... but they would not talk me out of it.. they respect me and my choices... I have 'true' friends and we love each other to pieces... I have been friends with one for over 53 years and the other for over 44 years.
Author Virgo1982 Posted November 24, 2007 Author Posted November 24, 2007 You were there for her and she turned on you. That is not friendship. She sees things in only black and white and was probably seeing you like his 4 OW. She probably thinks since you are involved with a MM that you would just do anyone who is in an R and feels threatened by you and wanted to announce in front of you both that she is fully aware and will not allow it. It's hard to lose a friend of nine years, but toxic is toxic and you should say goodbye to that. Good luck. Yes, your description is perfect. I remember she once got angry with me when she was trying to leave him. I think being a true friend means being honest. Telling someone what they want to hear is not an option for me. So, when she kept saying that she wanted to be with one person for the rest of her life, I asked her if she could grow up and get her head out of the clouds (after trying to explain the facts of life more delicately) and she took offense. Having been with one partner is quite admirable. I used to tell her that all the time. However, if a man is sleeping with all of these different women, how pure is that? If a man is beating on you, who cares if you have to date to find a second partner? Often, we can't have what we want. (Lord, please give me the strength to control the things that I can, accept those that I can not, and the wisdom to know the difference.) Now I stood by her when she would go back-even after he kicked her door down and left her two little ones in the apartment unsecured. I spent time on the phone with her mother who was also concerned for her safety. I followed her home after outings to find him there waiting in the car. I stuck by her. That's what friends do. If she thinks karma will bite me in the ass for an affair I had, wait until it comes knocking on her door...
Author Virgo1982 Posted November 24, 2007 Author Posted November 24, 2007 No.. never had a friend like that.. If I had I wouldn't have the patience to put up with her... I have 2 'best friends' .. eventhough they are against 'cheating' they do not support me per say... but they would not talk me out of it.. they respect me and my choices... I have 'true' friends and we love each other to pieces... I have been friends with one for over 53 years and the other for over 44 years. That's so sweet. You all took friends forever to a whole new level I've wondered if I made a foolish mistake telling her. I don't know how much you share with them, but I thought I could confide in a friend after nine years. I still think maybe I shouldn't have told her and seeing different perspectives here and the pain/bitterness of some BS and ExOW, I can see where she's coming from, but I would never trust her to trust me and without trust, we can't be friends. So, it is what it is...
Trimmer Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 Well, doesn't it kind of make sense? She's in a world of hurt - among the reasons are her SO's affairs. She's probably got a lot of anger about that, but she certainly can't safely express it to her abusive partner. So by confiding to her about your role once you became a knowing OW, you became a symbol of "the enemy" for her. It may well not be conscious on her part, but clearly it would make sense that her pain and anger have to come out somehow - healthy or not - and you were the much safer target than her SO. Not that this excuses it, or implies that you should stay her friend or anything, but her life is badly screwed up right now; she probably wouldn't be able to "be a good friend" to anyone. It's unfortunate for your long-term friendship, but given the combination of your circumstances (yours and hers) it seems like this would likely be a toxic relationship for you if you were to continue. And unfortunately for her, if she continues to fail to see the reality of her situation, remains unable to stand up and leave, and continues to misdirect her anger towards those who support her, she will likely end up without any support at a time when she may need it most. Sad.
Author Virgo1982 Posted November 24, 2007 Author Posted November 24, 2007 Well, doesn't it kind of make sense? She's in a world of hurt - among the reasons are her SO's affairs. She's probably got a lot of anger about that, but she certainly can't safely express it to her abusive partner. So by confiding to her about your role once you became a knowing OW, you became a symbol of "the enemy" for her. It may well not be conscious on her part, but clearly it would make sense that her pain and anger have to come out somehow - healthy or not - and you were the much safer target than her SO. Not that this excuses it, or implies that you should stay her friend or anything, but her life is badly screwed up right now; she probably wouldn't be able to "be a good friend" to anyone. It's unfortunate for your long-term friendship, but given the combination of your circumstances (yours and hers) it seems like this would likely be a toxic relationship for you if you were to continue. And unfortunately for her, if she continues to fail to see the reality of her situation, remains unable to stand up and leave, and continues to misdirect her anger towards those who support her, she will likely end up without any support at a time when she may need it most. Sad. The true root of her problems started with insecurity due to some bad decisions on her part. When we were 19-before she had child #1-he created a baby with some girl. They spoke, she treated the girl like she was the enemy and begged for understanding from him. He became so enraged at his own guilt that he punched her side mirror and kicked her car. Yes, he did. She had to encourage him to make a decision after that. Naturally, you all know where I stood with it. That was the problem in our friendship-she thought I was too logical and I thought she was too emotional. I used her input to help me soften up a bit. My input was only considered in that moment. Then, on to resentment...
Recommended Posts