marlena Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 I don't know - what do you think? Is it a good or bad thing for her to go away for a week on her own? Dear Verytired, Escapism is just that - escape- and although at times a "getaway" form our problems may inject insight - when done too often, it indicates a refusal to cope with whatever it is that is preventing us from leading postive, healthy and fulfilling lives. For some reason, I think the second instance applies to your wife. May I ask how long this has been going on for? Has this always been her state of mind in the marriage? Has she always expressed, actively or pasively, resentment for the trappings of marriage as you put it? Or is this behavior something highly irregular? Could she be going through a period of depression? Was she ever content with being married and a mother? If she has always been like this, then, she is definitely unhappy and perhaps you may need to accept that marrying because of an unwanted pregancy was a mistake. It usually is. If you think, however, that her bahavior recently is highly irregular, then, you might have to look into the possibilty of their being another person involved in her life. I do not in any way intend or want to implant such an idea in your head. I am just saying that these things happen and it's something you shouldn't dismiss altogether. I hope for your sake that I am wrong. Of course, you can not stop her from going but, no, I don't think going away for a week or to go is going to magically resolve all her problems or yours. Verytired, As simple as it sounds, some people are not cut out for marriage or parenthood.
Author verytired Posted December 1, 2007 Author Posted December 1, 2007 I think we used to be great together, once upon a time. These days I wonder if I was kidding myself. I could get to questioning everything as things stand. But no, I remember lots of times we seemd very happy together until about three years ago, when she was turning 30 (which she struggled with a lot) around the same time her best friend left her husband and started leading the single life (which I know she envied) it was a weird time and lead to the first time she told me she was not in love with me (which she later rescinded) I think she loved being a mother when the kids were small and she could control them, but now they're growing up and getting much more independant she struggles with it all. Especially our son, who is becoming a little more defiant as is normal in transitioning from boy to man, she has no idea how to handle him. I get on really well with him - I am sure this makes her feel like a failure. Not sure I would behave any differently though - it is up to her to make the effort to maintain a good relationship with him, not the other way around. I foresee the same problems arising with our daughter. The conclusion I seem to be coming to is that ultimately, if she doesn't want to be a wife and mother any more there's not a thing I can do to change her, and it is far more important that I provide a stable, loving environment for my kids than that I fall over myself to please her. So, in the light of that, I should tell her to shape up or ship out, right? Only thing is, I don't know how she would cope financially, emotionally or practically. She doesn't take responsibility for anything in our life (even though I've tried to encourage her to) She may well be going through a period of depression, yes. But if she refuses to talk to anyone or go to the doctor and her only solution/suggestion is to go away on her own for a week then I can't see anything improving. I am thinking I need to sit her down and tell her if she won't get help than I cannot carry on with things as they are, but with the holidays approaching I need to consider sensitive practical timing too.
marlena Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Verytired, Yes, she could very well be envious of her single friends and the "exciting" lives she thinks they are leading! My sister who is married to a very decent man and has two boys, 15 and 12, was very envious of me after my divorce. I started dating and travelling a lot throughout Europe. In her mind, I was having a thrilling time while she was stuck home with the kids and her husband of 16 odd years. I'd tell her being single is not everything it's cracked up to be but she wouldn't believe me. She loved being single so I couldn't fool her. I think she was happier being single too. Like I said, marriage does not sit well with some people. Paradoxically, I didn't resent losing my freedom when I married. I just married the wrong person. I liked domesticity, then. Now, I don't think I could do it. I am very content living on my own although I would like to meet that special someone. We can't have it all in life. That's all there's to it! And being the imperfect beings that we are, we do tend to feel that the grass is greener on the other side. We are always in search of what we don't have. Some more than others of course. I would say try to relax for the time being, VT. Put things on the back burner for a while. Christmas is right around the corner and it wouldn't do to cause a crisis now. Your children deserve a happy Christmas!
Kasan Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 VT-- There are some men on here that would tell you to "man up" (Gunny376, jmargel) and stop being the doormat. Perhaps you should research some of their posts. In their posts, they give specifics on how to take your power back. They are of the mindset, that if your wife wants to leave, they would help her to the door. They believe in tough love, and have very little patience for these antics.....And of course they would look at your situation from a man's POV. I am hoping that one of them sees your post and lends an ear so to speak. You can find their postings under their names in the members list. Here is Gunny's http://www.loveshack.org/forums/member.php?u=27756 You can click on his posts and his threads Here is jmargel's http://www.loveshack.org/forums/member.php?u=4920 Hope this helps-- Good luck.
bestadvisor Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Anyway, last night she turns to me and asks how I would feel about her going away on her own for a week to 'get her head together' My gut reaction is NO. She won't deal with anything, all she'll do is enjoy a week of 'freedom' and who knows what that might entail? I really do think that she has someone on the side right now and that one week away is to test the water more. It seems that she has tested the water already, now, she just want to be in it for more than a few hours here and there. Com'on now, you know that the chance of her not cheating on you is slim to none. Get a private investigator and get to the bottom of it.
marlena Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Com'on now, you know that the chance of her not cheating on you is slim to none. Get a private investigator and get to the bottom of it. You can't be sure of this but I must admit it doesn't look very good. I hope this isn't the cause of her volatile to say the least behavior recently. On the fip side, I doubt that she's be carrying on a clandestine affair for three years without VT suspecting what was going on.
Author verytired Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 Thank you. A couple of things... I am no doormat. If I just wanted to end the marriage I could have done that years ago. "Man up"? Sometimes it takes more 'man' to try to make it work for both of you, than just to point her at the door, or was I the only one that actually mean all those promises we made when getting married? If she is depressed and needing help then I have to at least try to help her before drawing a line under it. But as I've said before, if she is cheating then there will be no second chances as far as I am concerned. Yes, sometimes there is a time for tough love and sometimes compassion is appropriate. I'm still trying to figure out where MY line is. The trouble is, if she is cheating then it can only be at work and I don't know how any PI could prove that. And since all our finances are shared and transparent that isn't quite such a simple thing to put in place without her knowing.
marlena Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 I personally don't believe in hiring PIs to get to the truth of whether or not someone is having an affair. Spying tactics go against everything I believe and hold as valuable unto myself. I don't even like the word "cheating." If someone's partner is seeing someone else, it is my firm belief that eventually the truth will be uncovered. VT, Whether or not your spouse is seeing someone else really isn't all that pivotal. What IS pivotal and of utmost significance is that she seems to have pulled out of the marriage emotionally and is not putting in any effort to improve things. You can not do this alone for very long although I do admire your perseverance and patience in trying to keep your marriage intact. If after talking it out with her and allowing for a decent amount of time to elapse, things don't improve, then,yes, you will be have to draw the line somewhere. Either that, or just accept the situation. Some people can do that and others can't. Only you know how much you can withstand and how much you can't. As for marriage vows being broken, well, that's part of the flux of life. People and their feelings change over time. Whether we like it or not, it is something we can not control. We can only control our reactions to these changes. Marlena
Author verytired Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Tonight I feel the worst. She may not be having an affair, or she may be, but the fact is she wants to, so the actual doing is academic. I walked in the room and she snaps her head around "I hate it when you try to walk up behind me and read what I'm writing" I wasn't even close to her. Guilt, written all over her face. I have my 9-yr old daughter by my side so I'm not going to satisfy her by arguing back. I'm stronger than her, I can wait. These are my rules now. No-one could have tried harder, but it makes no difference does it - if they don't want to be there, then they've already gone. Yes, I will shut my mouth until after Christmas, because I want my kids to have a happy time, probably for the last time. I will do my damndest to make sure they know that I love them and that they have some good memories out of all this. But after all that, if she hasn't already pushed me over the edge, I am going to tell her that I will not be made a fool of. I will not tolerate her disrespect. I will not allow my life, my hope, my optimism to be swallowed by her bitterness. Are you not happy my love? Do you think you've missed out? Has the fire gone out?You'll be wanting to leave by the big green door at the end of the hall. You have got out of this relationship what you put into it. Leave your keys on the side on your way out. Good luck. We'll be fine. Eventually.
Kasan Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 VT-- I am very sorry to read your last posting. The most important thing right now is to take care of yourself, by eating, exercising, and sleeping. Things will sort themselves out. Please keep posting and let us know how you are.
Gunny376 Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I've not read your full thread, I don't have to. I'm not necessarly saying your wife is actually cheating on you ~ but (there's always the "Ya~BUT" she's either (a) is actually having an affiar, (b) wanting to have an affair, or © contemplating having an affiar. Since I've went through my own travesity of a marriage and divorce senventeen years ago ~ I've become a student ~ nay a scholar of relationships, dating and mating, marriage, rommance, men & women, women's pyschology. When a marriage such as your as degraded to the point such as yours? There's only one thing to do ~ "man-up" and tell her happy azz to hit the door, to get to skipping, and don't let the door hit her in the azz on the way out! That's the one and single thing that works! I'm done and I'm through with your Happy Azz! See ya, wouldn't want to be ya! Its over! The BS with the computer would have been enough for me? She wouldn't be nothing but a freaking memory! Most men's affairs begin here, there and everwhere, but 70% to 80% of women's affairs? They begin at work! Me? I don't date the payroll! Even a dog knows NOT to s*** where it sleeps! Kick her happy azz to the curb and wish her a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ~ without me! Then? Get busy living ~ or get your Happy Azz busy dying! The choice is yours!
Author verytired Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 That's the point i've reached.. whether it's a, b or c they're all unacceptable to me. "Man-up", I finally understand. I have been looking for a 21st Century, post-modern, sophisticated, politically correct way to resolve this. You know what I realise after 15 years? Relationships are primitive, the heart is all about instinct not reason, the caveman in me is rising up. All that remains is to figure out the best way to protect my young.
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