Looking for a lifeline

[verytired]

I have a feeling I am about to say some stuff that has been said here a lot of times before, but I am distressed and feeling so low and alone I have to reach out and hope someone can give me some answers.

 

We've been married nearly 15 years and have two kids. It's not always been easy and neither of us are perfect but I assume that's the story with most marriages. 3 years ago she told me she didn't love me any more at least "not in that way" I told her that I loved her and wanted to be married to her for the rest of my life but that if she was so unhappy then I would not only let her go but would help her. She said feels trapped and feels she missed out on life by having kids while young and i think she thinks everyone else is out having fun while she's home with us. Despite the fact that hearing her say all this ripped my guts out, nothing changed, she avoided talking to me (she never tackles issues or talks things through) I suggested counselling but she absolutely refused to consider "talking about personal things with a stranger" After a few weeks she said she'd been wrong and that she did love me and wanted us to carry on together. At the time I have to be honest and say that I thought she'd thought things through and realised it would be easier to stay with me and make a go of things than to move out and learn to stand on her own two feet, but things did improve and so we carried on.

 

Two months ago she suddenly started losing weight and taking a lot more care of herself. I noticed she was talking about a man at work a lot more than before. She started adding a lot of men I had never heard of before to her Facebook page (apparently they are all people from school who she suddenly decided to look up) She stopped sleeping with me, stopped ever telling me she loves me (not that she was very good at doing either of these things without encouragmenet from me before that) but if I tell her I love her she just looks at me and then walks away. I am not saying she is having an affair, but I certainly think she is flirting with the idea of it. A couple of weeks ago I asked her what was going on and why she was so distant and she started crying and wouldn't look at me at all. A bit later she said she keeps feeling to she wants to run away from us all and that she thinks we would all be better off without her.

 

Since then things have been unbearably tense. I have tried really gently to get her talking but she just dissolves into tears and will not talk to me. Last Sunday I told her she owes it to me to at least tell me where things are going. She flipped out, then locked herself in the bathroom. Later that day I discovered she'd drunk nearly a whole bottle of vodka while locked in that bathroom.

 

Something is obviously terribly wrong - I am pretty sure she 'feels' like she doesn't love me any more (again) and wants to be free and single, but I am the major earner and she couldn't afford much of a life if she did move out, and also she would feel terribly guilty about leaving us so she stays and hates/resents us for it. I cannot stand this much longer - I just want to be with someone who loves me and raise our family together and all that cliche stuff, so I really don't see why I should move out - I want to be there, but I want my wife to be committed to us. I am also worried that now she also closes her facebook page whenever I'm in the room etc. so I reckon she's hiding something, but I'm trying not to let paranoia kick in.

 

What do I do when she won't talk, won't say she loves me, always goes to bed at 9PM (which is earlier than our 14 year old son) so she never has to be alone with me? I feel exhausted with going over and over it all in my head but just don't know what I can/should do next?

[HarakIgia]

Hi There,

I can hear how tormented you are with everything that is going on with your wife. I'm so sorry first and foremost. I can relate myself. My husband after 14yrs of marriage has decided he no longer has the same values as me. He believes flirting and carrying on with others is perfectly ok. That I should be perfectly fine with him groping or grabbing strangers at a bar. Oh, and here's the kicker if he makes the mistake of sleeping with someone else then that should not be the end of our marriage. Well, to make a long story short I've tried to accept my flirtatious husband. But, it hurts way to much. After 9yrs of this behavior I finally asked him to leave. Not something that I wanted really. What I want is for the man I married to come back to me and say sorry I've been a complete ass. But, that's not happening. Anyways, that's my story. I also have 2kids myself and dreamt of being a family forever. I know your pain and I'm so sorry for your children as well.

 

Your wife sounds very confused. She sounds like she's unsure of herself and is looking to outside sources to boost her selfesteem. I hope she's not cheating but it certainly sounds like something is going on. Perhaps an emotional affair which can be equally damaging.

 

The only thing I can suggest is getting some help. If she won't go you should for sure. You need someone to talk to that will help you sort through your feelings and come to a decision that's right for your particular situation.

 

I wish you all the best. I'm so sorry for your family. I hope you can find some peace of mind soon. You sound like a thoughtful and caring husband/father.

[hopeful26]

Wow. Yeah. Sounds a little too familiar. I'm all about the sanctity of marriage, but sometimes when one person absolutely refuses to love you there isn't much you can do.

 

She needs to put forth 100%. Plain and simple. It sounds like she's unwilling to do that. Don't let her drag you around. It sounds like she's making it clear what she wants, and it has nothing to do with you!

 

So, do your own thing. Do things that make you happy. Don't discuss your marriage with her. Let her ignore you and get on with living your life! Don't waste another minute worrying about what she is doing, thinking, feeling, saying, etc! She's either going to snap out of it one day and come running into your arms or she isn't! I guarantee there is nothing you can do to make up her mind for her! Don't waste your time waiting for her! I know it's tough, and it hurts, but you don't have a choice.

 

Isn't it tough when you know the one you love is hurting and confused, and you want nothing more than to be there for them and help them, but they refuse it? I know it was for me. It was very hard.

 

Yes, and you may want to go to marriage counseling. Just you is fine. Alone. It will help you, a lot. I know it helped me. Don't ask her to go with you. If she ever asks about it tell her, "Yep, I'm going to counseling" and leave it at that. If she wants to go with you she will ask. It's kind of weird how if you asked her to go to counseling she would refuse, but if she finds out that you are already going, she may ask to join you.*shrug* Who knows.

 

You sound like a really nice, loving husband, that has made it clear to his wife that he loves her...and she doesn't care. It's a terrible thing that you're going through, but there are lots of great people to talk to here at LS! Keep posting!

 

You might check out the book Divorce Busting. Lots of good info based on the sanctity of marriage. Yay for the sanctity of marriage!

[verytired]

Thank you for listening and responding. Reading your story - hopeful - was sad and depressing but maybe something i needed to read. In fact, reading a lot of the stuff on this site is quite shocking in a this-cant-be-happening-to-me kind of way. But it is, isn't it.

 

I have been trying to fix this for a long long time (I don't accept failure very easily) thinking if I just tried that bit harder it would all be OK. I found myself doing it just this weekend, swalling my unhappiness and hoping if I ran that bit faster to do what she wants she'd be happy. But she was still as miserable as ever and made no effort whatsoever to consider my feelings. It is starting to sink in that nothing I do makes any difference - she thinks the whole world revolves around her and is for her pleasure, and that when after 15 years of marriage things are not as exciting as they once were she wants more attention, new attention, rather than working on what WE have.

 

She told me that she resents the children for sucking the life out of her. How can anyone with a heart say that? I love my kids. I chose to have them. I choose to appreciate them every single day. I don't even know who she is. I feel like I'm in mourning for my dead wife, who was replaced somewhere along the line by this hollow shell of a person who looks at me with dead eyes. but I still remember when those eyes were full of light and life and she looked at me like I was fantastic. I still don't even know what i did wrong to deserve this.

 

This is awful. I still love her. I promised to love her. I made a committment in my heart to love her. I don't know how she can just switch it off. I wonder if she ever really loved me like I love her, whether we meant the same thing when we used to say we loved each other. I don't know how she can be so cruel as to keep living in our house, spending the money I earn etc. but treat us all like we're a nuisance and are deliberately getting in her way. I watched her this weekend being bored (she has no real hobbies or interests) and resenting us becasue we all have things we like to do and get on with. She just wants to go shopping - and that never makes her happy no matter how much she spends. So she blames us, because she has no fulfillment in life. She can't accept responsibility for her own life and that maybe the thing she's not happy with is HER not US. She used to find happiness in being part of a family, in making her contribution to that, in spending time with us. But not any more.

 

Sorry, I'm ranting now I know, but I am feeling pretty low as the realitiy of this situation starts to take hold.

 

I'll shut up. Thanks for listening.

[Ladyjane14]

Has your wife had a depression screening?

Maybe a good first step would be for her to see her medical doctor and rule it out. She seems to be crying alot. And drinking to excess as well as seeking romantic attention outside the primary relationship could be viewed as self-medicating behavior.

 

True. It might just be a garden-variety affair or the mini-mid-life crisis that so many women experience in their 30's. But I think it'd be worthwhile to eliminate depression as causal in her weird new behavior.

[verytired]

I think she may well be at least mildly depressed - I have strongly and sympathetically encouraged her to go to the doctor who can also refer herfor counselling, but she refuses to contemplate it or talk about it. "I am not talking to some stranger about personal things" is her attitude, whereas I think whether it is mid-life crisis or full-on depression talking to someone who is outside of the situation could help her focus her thoughts. She would have an absolute FIT if she knew I was talking about our lives on here - whereas I am going to go mad if I try to keep this all in any longer.

[Ladyjane14]

To be honest... my husband had a mild depression a few years back. Even when I sent him to the doctor, he managed to sidestep. The screening requires honesty, of course. It wasn't until I was willing to end the marriage until he took me seriously.

 

That said, ultimatums are nothing to play lightly at. You have to be prepared to accept either outcome.

 

I think Hopeful has given you some good advice. Maybe starting counseling on your own could be helpful. If nothing else, it sounds like you could use some support in your decision as to whether you want to continue in the marriage or not. In the meantime, like he said... do your own thing a little bit, don't push, and take your time. You might want to give Redblack's thread a read through, also ILMW's, and maybe Mike1966's in Second Chances.

[verytired]

Thank you LJ (as I see most people call you) I appreciate your input and I'm only not responding becasue I'm taking your advice and spending some time reading up on the experience of others around here. If nothing else it is good (?) to know that a lot of other people have been through this because sometimes it feels like it's just me and that I'm very alone in what I'm going through, especially as I have been foolish enough to allow my wife to get between me and most of my friends during the course of our marriage.

[bestadvisor]

 

Two months ago she suddenly started losing weight and taking a lot more care of herself. I noticed she was talking about a man at work a lot more than before. She started adding a lot of men I had never heard of before to her Facebook page (apparently they are all people from school who she suddenly decided to look up) She stopped sleeping with me, stopped ever telling me she loves me.

 

Last Sunday I told her she owes it to me to at least tell me where things are going. She flipped out, then locked herself in the bathroom. Later that day I discovered she'd drunk nearly a whole bottle of vodka while locked in that bathroom.

 

Something is obviously terribly wrong -

 

The chance that she is NOT having an affair is slim to none. Keep your eyes open.

[marlena]

Verytired,

 

I am so sorry you are going through this but know that many couples experience this type of crisis and come out on the other side. I tend to agree with LJ that it does sound like the onset of depression. She too is probably very exhausted being a mother and wife.., and yearns for a life of carefree independence. This is normal especailly if you married and had children at a young age. If she is a stay home mom that aggravates things even more... Perhaps, if the children are old enough, she should look for a job (if she hasn't one already) and try to get out more both with you and her female friends.

 

You are going to have to draw on whatever patience you have left and sit this one out and see where it goes. I don't think there really is much you can do to swing the scales in your favour as she probably sees you and sadly yes the children as impediments to her freedom.

 

She should definitely see a doctor and if need be perhaps get on anti - depressants for a while. Since she won't take this advice from you, perhaps, a friend or a member of the family who she is close to could somehow suggest it to her?

 

You need to appear to be strong for her sake.

[verytired]

Thank you for commenting - I appreciate all comments no matter how much I don't want to hear them (if you know what I mean)

 

I do know that she had the kids young-ish (she was 19 when she had our son, mind you her mother was 19 when she had my wife) BUT, I do also know that she has had her choices every step of the way. At first she had a career which continued when our son was born, then when we had a second child she wanted to give up work and be a full-time mum (I facilitated this gladly - I wanted to give her everything she wanted, I thought marriage was a reciprocal arrangement of mutual consideration... I now wonder if she has EVER stopped to wonder what I want?) then she was bored and felt worthless so I encouraged her to get a job which is now where she wants to spend her life and where I suspect she may have met someone else. She works 16 hours a week and contributes a fraction of what I do, but I still picked up our daughter from school tonight, the brought her swimming then came home and helped our son do his homework etc... I'm not really complaining about any of this, but it does hurt that having done everything any normal man could to deliver what she wanted, she resents me. You have to wonder if I might not have been better off treating her like s**t all these years.

 

Do I sometimes wonder where my life went? Have I made sacrifices? Hell yeah!, but I want to be a good dad and husband and the fact I was a professional musician when I met her and gave it all up and sold my recording studio to get a proper job and support our young family is not something I regret. I did what I though a man is supposed to do for those he loves.

 

What is a woman supposed to do for those she loves? Sorry, tonight I'm feeling bitter. I hope it will pass soon, I don't usually like bitter people/attitudes. I am usually so positive and try to encourage others to be the same.

 

marlena, thank you for your comments. I am trying to appear strong. Actually I am fully capable of being strong - it's not just an appearance. I know that when I am uber-confident and strong she is much more respectful toward me, and I have read this theme in other poeple's threads. Of course, what no-one says is... when is she supposed to take her turn at making the effort for our relationship to work? why am I always the one that compromises to make her feel secure? what happens when I feel weak or need someone to hold/love/support me? who will love me when I feel weak?

[Kasan]

Verytired--

 

I am convinced that women go through a mini mid life crisis in their late 30's. LJ alluded to it in her earlier post to you.

 

From my personal experience the 30's were just tough, especially when I hit 37. 40 was just around the corner and I wondered if this was all there was in life, taking care of the kids (whom I loved dearly) and waiting for my husband to come home. (the nature of his job had him coming home at 8:00 at night)

 

It was lonely and hard raising the kids, and although I understood that my husband was doing the best that he could by working his *ss off. I felt resentful as I was was working too. I really wondered if I wanted to do this "till death do us part" because it didn't fit my ideal of what marriage was.

 

I was starting to age and wasn't the hot thing that I used to be and I wondered if I had made a mistake by marrying my husband. Was he the one? Did I settle? I questioned if I really loved him and was committed to the marriage. If he wasn't the one, did I still have time to find him? On and on I went, for around 3 years.

 

I don't know what changed for me, I guess when the realization popped into my brain that maybe my husband was feeling the same way about me. Slowly things got better.

 

From what I have heard from my friends is they have all felt like this one time or another in their marriage. A great discontent and disconnect. Some of these women left their marriages, others had affairs, while some of us rode it out.

 

You could have been the most perfect of husbands and men and your wife might have felt the same way.

 

I am not sure if what I have said to you has been helpful or not, but I wanted to try to give you some insight into what your wife might be feeling.

 

I do know if I was doing some of the things your wife was doing to my husband he would have lost patience with me very quickly, as he wouldn't have allowed me in my crisis, to treat him less than what he deserved.

 

Keep posting....there are lots of good people here that will give you some great advice based on their experiences.

[Ladyjane14]

Beautiful post, Kasan.

 

(I was about 37 at the height of my mini-meltdown too. I don't know WHAT it is that eventually seems to right itself. Maybe it's turning 40 and realizing that you haven't exploded on contact with your fourth decade. )

[verytired]

That is really really helpful, thank you so much.

 

The first major episode with my wife happened around her turning 30 which I know she did not like at all. I have heard from people that 30 can be harder for women than 40 (my wife turned 30 the same year I turned 40 which I have to say didn't bother me at all - it really is just a number to me) Just last night I watched her plucking out grey hairs in the mirror and I know she hates the lines that are starting to appear around her eyes. She was stunning when she was younger, but I actually think she is even better looking now. I know that sounds a bit cheesy, but it's true. I have told her that many times, but I don't think hearing it from me makes any difference any more - she knows I love her and think she's hot still, but I guess that's not enough any more. She wants to hear it from someone else. Over the years a number of people have made passes at her and it's never bothered me - she is an attractive woman after all - but I never thought she would do anything about it. Now, I'm not so sure.

 

I am sorry if she's going through a mid-life crisis, but I don't want me and my kids to pay the price for it. If I did find out she was having an affair it would be over. Finished. No second chances. I feel like all these years of trying to make her happy have not really achieved much at all. I am not responsible for her and I cannot make her like herself. Only she can do that. I give up.

 

I wonder what I want? I wonder what would make me happy if I stopped considering everyone else? Perhaps I'll spend some more time thinking about that.

 

Trouble is, I'm a 100% sort of man. I'm either 100% in this relationship giving all my heart, effort, love or I will force myself to shut away my feelings to protect myself from getting hurt. And then we all lose.

 

I'd better go do so some work. Someone has to pay for all those shoes and handbags.

 

I'm sorry, I am starting to sound really bitter and self-pitying which disgusts me, but I have to let the pain out somewhere and this seems to be a good place to be honest.

 

Thanks again.

[marlena]

The thirties are a harassing time for a lot of women. I know they were for me. Life suddenly changes drastically. Nobody prepares you for motherhood or marriage. Suddenly from being the carefree girl you once were you are burdened with a zillion reponsiblities that you are not fully equipped to cope with. It is a huge adjustment and not one that everyone is able to make easily. How effectively you make the transition depends on your level of maturity and priorities.

 

Men of course go through the same thing. Some do it well while other really botch things up. Often, the demands and constrictions of marriage lead one or both partners to adultery. I hope for your sake this isn't the case.

 

Your wife may not have the maturity that you do and is therefore slacking in her responsibilities. The fact that she is concerned more with her looks more than you is of course pure female vanity coupled with societal pressure. In today's superficial word, women are expected to remain young and beautiful perenially. We live in a culture that glorifies youth and beauty. To be old is almost a sin. Women in particular are not allowed to age gracefully anymore. It is not surprising that she feels distressed with every new grey hair that sprouts out of nowhere.

 

It seems, like Kasan said, she is experiencing a mini melt-down, a minor crisis. She was rather young when she married and became a mother and is probably feeling like she has missed out on a lot. she perhaps craves some excitement in her life. Does she perhaps have a lot of single friends whose independence she envies?

 

I can't help wondering if you two were/are compatible, if you ever shared the same goals in life. You seem to be very content and settled in your role as husband and father. She, on the other hand, is behaving like a single woman in her marriage. It is unfair that you should shoulder all the responsibility.

 

Hopefully, this is just a phase that she will snap out of. If it goes on for too long, then, yes, your marraige could be in serious trouble.

 

Do you talk to her about the way you feel?

[Ladyjane14]

You know, I'm still not convinced this woman isn't having an affair. It might be something you need to rule out. There are lots of red flags here.

 

Have you considered hiring a PI? Or putting a keylogger on her PC? Have you seen the detail records of her cell phone?

[verytired]

marlena, you have touched a raw nerve and I thank you for it *takes deep breath*

 

Truthfully, no we are probably not compatible. There, I've admit it. When we had not long met and were in the first throes of love/lust she fell pregnant. Her parents threw her out of their lives. She came to live with me. We decided if we were going to have a child together then we may as well go for it 100% and get married and see if it would all work. We talked it over. She agreed. Yes, I am now wondering if I pushed her into the decision but I don't really think I did. We do not share the same goals, beliefs, values and it has caused all manner of friction between us at times. I used to go to church occasionally (I'm not a religious person but I liked to be there it's hard to explain) but I had to stop as she hated it so much she would throw things at me if I went etc. etc. She has no interests at all, I am interested in everything. I could never be bored, she is bored most of the time. We are different in so many ways but I still thought that that could be true of a lot of people who still succesfully marry and it would be better to make the best of things than not. I don't know if it was the right decision or not. I've never really thought about it til now - I've just tried to get on with doing what I thought was 'right'

 

But we still had a love between us. Everyone we know would say "I wish we got on as well as you" but now I wonder if I/we were both squeezing ourselves into something that didn't quite fit and that ultimately it would not work out.

 

I don't know where that leaves us now though. She's deeply unhappy, we have two lovely children (although our son is very much like me and gets much the same contempt from his mother that I get from her) and yeah, maybe I screwed up and we made a terrible albeit well-intentioned mistake. I've never said that before. But I'm not sure what good it does me to face that.

 

I have talked to her. I have written to her. I have tried my very very best. She doesn't do communcating. Her parents never ever spoke about personal matters in front of their kids, or indeed showed them any love whatsoever. She has no idea how to handle all these feelings she has, I am the only person she can open up with at all and she can't seem to talk to me about how she's feeling. Oh, and yes most of her friends are currently getting divorced or seperating and that's not a terribly helpful influence. So what do we do now? Shall I sit her down and say "I'm sorry we should never have got married, you're right to want out, let's go our seperate ways"

 

I am exhausted. Still, it is such a relief to talk about this stuff. Thank you for listening.

[verytired]

LJ, I have to say her behaviour, appearance everything have changed so much in the last couple of months that I have to wonder whether there isn't some other catalyst that has come into play. I will see if I can do something about phone records etc. I haven't really made any effort to find out for sure as I think if I did I wouldn't know how to handle it. But yes, perhaps it's time to do some fishing even if I won't lke what I find.

[sumdude]

(although our son is very much like me and gets much the same contempt from his mother that I get from her)

 

Hmm... a mother showing open contempt for one of her children?? This is not healthy.. and you know it.

 

I think JMargel's type of ideas might be in order.

 

In other words... stop taking any more s**t from her whatsoever. Call heron her BS, no need to be nasty but very firm. If she treats you with contempt then somewhere along the line she lost respect for you. Counterintuitively it's probably because you treated her so well. Almost too well, maybe better then her own self esteem believes she deserves.

[verytired]

Healthy? No, none of this is healthy. He asked me last week why 'mum doesn't like him' Breaks my heart he even has to ask. What do you say to that? "Because she's a screwed up b**ch, son" or "of course she loves you she just has a really weird way of showing it" Neither of those is completely true. In the end I went with "you are a really lovely boy who is one day going to grow into being a really good man, i love you"

 

Yes, she lost respect for me. I don't know where, I don't know when. Did I treat her wrong? I have treated her how I would have liked to be treated (I thought that was how people were supposed to be - I was wrong) now, everything is f*cked up.

 

Tonight I have had far too much to drink. I did the same last night, I may do the same tomorrow night. I did not have a drink problem before she stopped loving me, but what difference does that make - it seems that everything I thought was one thing is in fact something completely different. Life is a lie. The wheels are coming off.

[marlena]

Your marriage got off on the wrong footing. It is not surprising therefore that you are having very serious problems. Still, it did last for fifteen long years. I suspect that your marriage has mainly endured thanks to your patience and perseverance and yes, pliant attitude.

 

The time has come to consider whether you still want to continue being the sole giver in this relationship..whether you can continue to be without doing serious damage to yourself and the children who are beginning to feel the impact of all that is dysfunctional in your marriage.

 

It is time to gather your strength and do some serious thinking that will hopefully lead you to some much need resolutions. Perpetuating the problem is not a solution.

 

Your wife needs to be forced into confronting what is at stake here. She too needs to brainstorm, accept her responsibilty in the crisis and reach her decisions as well.

 

We are victims by choice. It's you and only you who can change your life around. If that means accepting that you made a wrong decision fifteen years ago and married someone who is very incompatible to you, then, that's what you have to do. And from there, rectify your mistake. Even if that means walking away, however hard that is to do.

 

Your other choice is to stay and persevere no matter what. If that is what you decide to do, then, live with your decision and try to make the best out of a bad situation. It may change or it may not.

 

The final decision is yours and not your wife's. You need to take your life and destiny in your own hands.

[Kasan]

Tonight I have had far too much to drink. I did the same last night, I may do the same tomorrow night. I did not have a drink problem before she stopped loving me, but what difference does that make - it seems that everything I thought was one thing is in fact something completely different. Life is a lie. The wheels are coming off.

 

So, I am going to jump on the drinking train here....I know that you know that drinking never solves anything, and one dysfunctional parent is enough.

 

One of you has got to lead this family--and I am guessing that it has to be you as your wife is doing other things. Not only are you hurting, but your kids are hurting also. You need to step up and be the stable parent right now. These kids, especially your son, deserve nothing less from you. In our pain and sorrow we sometimes forget that there are people who are depending on us, and mommy seems to be out in left field--who knows when she will pull it together.

 

These kids come first right now--

[verytired]

Yes, and yes. And thanks for your kind honesty.

 

I definitely spent the last two days feeling sorry for myself, but I'm hoping that in a way if I really let it sink in what a mess this all is then I'll be fed up enough to put a stop to it.

 

I am not going to get drunk tonight - I used to drink a fair bit when I was younger (pre-wife) but I've not been keen on getting drunk for some years now. Also, I didn't start drinking in earnest til everyone else was in bed and I was left on my own. I put my daughter to bed and played with her for a while last night, then I sat and watched TV with my son and we laughed together and talked (wife was asleep on sofa) So it was only after I'd woken her and she'd gone to bed that I went and sat on my own and started feeling sorry for myself and tipping red wine down my throat.

 

This morning I nearly deleted that last post, but then I decided to leave it there a: to remind me how I felt and b: because I'm sick of censoring my feelings. Sometimes I think I have spent years trying to be what she wants and in many ways bending who I am to fit in with it -but it has got me/us nowhere. People talk about "doing something for yourself" but I don't really even know what that is any more. Trying to be a good father, a good husband and running my own business to provide for us all has not left a lot of time for me to think about what I want and where I'm going in life. I had a meeting with a guy to talk about my pension plan yesterday and it has really made me think that I have no idea where my life is going, especially if my marriage is going to die. I am only just in my 40s, I still want to live, love and have fun.

 

She came home in a VERY strange mood yesterday - smiling to herself a lot, but she even gave me a hug without me instigating it. Then today she's in floods of tears again and telling me I should not be nice to her. I'm tired of always reacting/responding to her emotions.

 

You're right, I need to decide what is best for me and the kids and the future and then figure out how to achieve it. Somehow I have a feeling it won't be quite as simple as that, but I guess you have to start somewhere.

[Kasan]

VT--

 

I think that you should start mapping out a strategy right now.

 

You should have a Plan A for--if she wakes up out of her fog and wants to give the marriage a go--

 

And a Plan B--for how do you go on if you decide you don't want to play anymore.

 

As has been pointed out to you in several posts, you are going to have to start to make some really hard decisions--this is your and your kids lives we are talking about. Time to start taking your power back--let's face it, what you have been doing so far hasn't yielded any great results.

 

As Marlena said, you aren't a victim, unless you allow it.

 

Are you talking to someone about any of this right now?

[verytired]

If I have done anything different in the last two weeks it is that instead of comforting my wife I have told her that her behaviour is unfair and unacceptable. I am determined not to let up with the pressure to make her see that I have had enough and that she must either change her ways, get help or there will be other (as yet unspecified) consequences. I know she swings between wanting to leave (me & the kids) and feeling guilty for not being happy with us.

 

Last night was another bad night. Lots of crying and sullen resentment. As much as anything I think she's bored - but you would be bored if you had no interests whatsoever and never did anything except watch TV and go on Facebook wouldn't you? Anyway, last night she turns to me and asks how I would feel about her going away on her own for a week to 'get her head together' I didn't answer - our son came in the room and interrupted the moment (which is good cos it buys me time to think)

 

My gut reaction is NO. She won't deal with anything, all she'll do is enjoy a week of 'freedom' and who knows what that might entail? Why can't she stay here and work through her problems with me? Over the last couple of years she's had a few weekends away with family or friends and evey time she's come back more resentful of the trappings of home, so I don't think it does her any good whatsoever. In her current state I have no idea what it would do to her/us. In the cold light of today, my feeling is to say "never mind a week, why don't you go away for the rest of your life" I cant help but wonder if we'd be better off me and the kids just getting on with our lives without her. But that could just be my defences rising up in anticipation of getting even more hurt here.

 

I don't know - what do you think? Is it a good or bad thing for her to go away for a week on her own?