Open marriage problems

[foureyes]

Hi,

 

My wife and I have been discussing open marriage for a number of months, and I've done quite a bit of research around the topic and after a long time we decided to give it a go. Mainly for her benefit as I'm the only person she had ever slept with, whereas I've had a more experienced sexual history.

 

It appeared to be going well, she slept a couple of times with one guy but now a problem has occurred, that I've seen mentioned elsewhere and I'm after peoples opinions.

 

She's always had problems being adventurous in bed as her parents brought her up thinking sex in marriage was only to make love and have children. But when she's in the mood she can be quite wild.

 

When she slept with this guy she threw herself into it fully and was a total sl*t (her words not mine). She performed with him in a way she hasn't with me for over 18 months.

 

Since then she's now told me that because we know each other so well she feels embarrased when having anything other than lovemaking. She only wants us to have loving sex, which means no naughty nights in the bedroom, or acts that could perceived to be purely sexual anymore. Things that show her receiving pleasure or acting a bit naughty (such as playing with herself) make her feel uncomfortable around me...

 

Heres the thing though, she said he has no problems doing them with the other guy and that I should accept her wishes if I love her.

 

Now, I'm trying to be balanced about this but it seems that someone else gets to receive a side of my wife that I don't - and it doesn't seem right.

 

If we were talking about kinky acts that she wanted and I didn't then fine, but we're talking pretty normal sexual acts (what's normal of course?!) and I can't get my head around it.

 

My view is that a husband and wife should be transparent sexually and emotionally and if either withhold something that they're willing to do with someone else then that's a problem.

 

I'm after opinions as to whether I'm being a complete a*sehole by being a bit peeved by her decision. Does is seem right that my wife can turn up at another blokes house (and she's not bother about the particular bloke), give him the best sex of his life and when she gets home if her husband is horny but not in a particular loving mood not do anything with him.

 

I'm not trying to me all 'big bloke' here, but everyone someone's wants a right good sh*g rather than lovemaking and it looks like I'll not be getting any - but someone else will.

 

Now I'm rambled on I'm open to opinions, especially from women.

 

Many thanks in advance.

[Tripper]

Just wondering, what's stopping you from finding someone to get "down and dirty" with? I assume the open marriage works both ways??

[foureyes]

Nothing stopping me really, the open marriage is convenient because it allows that. But in truth, I really want the 'down and dirty' with my wife more than anyone else.

 

And since we've had it in the past, I know I'll miss it.

 

Sad, but true

[Tripper]

No, I don't think you're off base for wanting it "down and dirty" with your wife. It strikes me that you are a very open minded individual for allowing her to explore this side of her sexuality in an open marriage.

 

And maybe that's part of the "problem". She is just now exploring her sexuality and coming to terms with her own comfort level. Certainly she sees your marriage as a loving relationship where sex is lovemaking as it was reinforced by her upbringing. But the outside relationship is more like making up the lost years of her youth. There's little or no intimacy and therefore no vulnerability.

 

At this point I don't know what you can do except let her come to terms with her sexuality. Open discussions about it may help. Possibly with a therapist or couples counseling.

 

Good Luck...

[DazedandConfused66]

Heres the thing though, she said he has no problems doing them with the other guy and that I should accept her wishes if I love her.

 

I don't say this to be condescending, but.....

 

You've decided to have an "open marriage." You said you did your research. Was jealous feelings about your wife enjoying sex with other men, in other ways, ever mentioned in this research?

 

I'm pretty sure it was....it's a price you've paid to allow an open marriage. The problem is yours and of your own making. If you love her, you'll get over it and accept her wishes because, well, what she does with her body and with another mans' body is no longer JUST your concern.

 

Or am I missing something? Did you want a "semi-open" marriage instead?

[littlekitty]

Nothing stopping me really, the open marriage is convenient because it allows that. But in truth, I really want the 'down and dirty' with my wife more than anyone else.

 

And since we've had it in the past, I know I'll miss it.

 

Sad, but true

 

That's sweet to hear.

 

And maybe that's part of the "problem". She is just now exploring her sexuality and coming to terms with her own comfort level. Certainly she sees your marriage as a loving relationship where sex is lovemaking as it was reinforced by her upbringing. But the outside relationship is more like making up the lost years of her youth. There's little or no intimacy and therefore no vulnerability.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me. It's almost a way of keeping the two things seperate therefore making it easier for her to keep them boxed up emotionally?

 

I personally don't think you are out of order for feeling resentful at losing this part of your sex life with your wife. If it was part of your sex life before it seems unfair that you suffer the loss of that part of it, while she is enjoying more sex with more people.

 

Have you taken advantage of the 'open marriage' thing yourself? Do you know how she feels about that? Are there any rules for you when you do so?

[littlekitty]

I don't say this to be condescending, but.....

 

You've decided to have an "open marriage." You said you did your research. Was jealous feelings about your wife enjoying sex with other men, in other ways, ever mentioned in this research?

 

I'm pretty sure it was....it's a price you've paid to allow an open marriage. The problem is yours and of your own making. If you love her, you'll get over it and accept her wishes because, well, what she does with her body and with another mans' body is no longer JUST your concern.

 

Or am I missing something? Did you want a "semi-open" marriage instead?

 

 

I don't think he's saying he jealous about her having sex with the other man per say. His point appears to be that in having this open marriage he has lost an enjoyable part of their sex life that he had previously.

 

I'm pretty sure from what he's said that this wasn't something either of them would have seen coming when they made this decision. This is a decision she has made after starting sexual relations with someone else.

[DazedandConfused66]

I don't think he's saying he jealous about her having sex with the other man per say. His point appears to be that in having this open marriage he has lost an enjoyable part of their sex life that he had previously.

 

I'm just too pragmatic I guess. If you and the wife decide that sex outside of marriage is ok, then she goes and enjoys doing things with another man that she doesn't want to do with you, and you react negatively to it.....to claim it's NOT jealousy is pretty delusional IMO. Jealousy is wanting something that someone else has, or in this case is getting, right? And jealousy is one of the primary issues that drives open marriages into divorce territory. There are coping strategies for it....but denial of the feelings isn't a good one.

 

I'm pretty sure from what he's said that this wasn't something either of them would have seen coming when they made this decision. This is a decision she has made after starting sexual relations with someone else.

 

Ground rules is a big part of preventing jealous feelings from happening in an open marriage/relationship. But again, if it ain't jealousy....then I'm just off base. But she made the decision to be a slut in bed with the other guy BEFORE telling him about it. Maybe the other guy just brings something out in her that her husband doesn't anymore? Permissiveness on the part of the H for seeking an open marriage may not bring out her passionate and wild side the way he was hoping perhaps?

 

But I do agree that she's having fun outside the marriage he should do likewise. That's what they agreed upon....unless the ground rules were "go have sex, but save the good stuff for our bed" or something.

 

I'm not in an open marriage, but I always wondered how couples dealt with this kind of problem. Being in a traditional marriage already has it's fair share of problems....I can't fathom how this works. I'll bow out now as I obviously know nothing...just seems like jealousy to me.

[littlekitty]

I'm just too pragmatic I guess. If you and the wife decide that sex outside of marriage is ok, then she goes and enjoys doing things with another man that she doesn't want to do with you, and you react negatively to it.....to claim it's NOT jealousy is pretty delusional IMO. Jealousy is wanting something that someone else has, or in this case is getting, right? And jealousy is one of the primary issues that drives open marriages into divorce territory.

 

I can't disagree with anything you're saying here. Essentially it is jealousy.

 

I can however understand why he is feeling that way. He's lost something he had with his wife - that he apparently wasn't expecting to - by agreeing to the open marriage.

 

Ground rules is a big part of preventing jealous feelings from happening in an open marriage/relationship. But again, if it ain't jealousy....then I'm just off base. But she made the decision to be a slut in bed with the other guy BEFORE telling him about it. Maybe the other guy just brings something out in her that her husband doesn't anymore? Permissiveness on the part of the H for seeking an open marriage may not bring out her passionate and wild side the way he was hoping perhaps?

 

But I do agree that she's having fun outside the marriage he should do likewise. That's what they agreed upon....unless the ground rules were "go have sex, but save the good stuff for our bed" or something.

 

It would be interesting to know what the 'ground rules' were. But I'd guess it would be hard to cover every eventuality they might face in an open marriage.

 

Perhaps it would also be useful to know if they were doing the slutty stuff right up until the open marriage started. But I guess it's possible having done this with someone else, she no longer wants that with her husband. Perhaps she wants to keep their sex life to 'love making' to reinforce that theirs is the 'loving' relationship?

 

I'll bow out now as I obviously know nothing...just seems like jealousy to me.

 

You have valid points to add to the discussion! Why bow out?

[foureyes]

Thanks for all your replies. All the comments are useful. My point, if not particularly clear is this; imagine a couple agree to an open marriage in order to either extend their sex life into unexplored areas, or allow each partner to have the thrill of 'first time sex' with someone else (which I personally feel is fantastic initially but naturally diminishes in a full time relationship and then the other areas of the sex life come into the equation which can be even better). After that first thrill the partner chooses to stop having normal sexual activities with the husband which they previously both enjoyed, because she decides she now just wants love from him and lust from someone else...

 

Maybe I made a mistake by agreeing to it, I wasn't that bothered about doing it from my side. I certainly wasn't jealous about the sex with the other guy, quite the opposite, seeing her come in all flushed turned me on and I was glad she had experienced someone else and it had been good for her.

 

I didn't see this coming, although we had discussed it and I was clearly told it would be in addition to our sex life... now it seems to be in replacement (apart from when we're both in the mood for looooovvve). If she had found something new or got pleasure from something with him that I didn't want that'd be fine, part of our rules however were that whatever was done with the other person should be available to the wife/husband as well (if they wanted it), otherwise it could lead to jealousy.

 

Going off and replacing that side of our life with someone else is an option but as I anticipated this I had hoped that my wife and I would have good sex, she could have good sex with someone else and I could as well - if I wanted, rather than being left out in the cold so I have no choice.

 

A bad experience I think... maybe we should have talked more about swinging instead, but she didn't want it as she thought it would be full of old men that she wouldn't like.

[Mr. Lucky]

A bad experience I think... maybe we should have talked more about swinging instead, but she didn't want it as she thought it would be full of old men that she wouldn't like.

How are the candidates or partners for swinging different than the ones for open marriage? Is the guy she's "seeing" single?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zona76]

I love watching porn. It provides me with inventive ways to satisfy my husband. I would NOT want him to shoot his load all over my breasts and face.

But I am a screamer. He knows the louder I am the more I'm enjoying myself.

She wants loving sex. You want pleasure and excitement. Sex in the marriage other than missionary is often frowned upon.

I do not advise an open marriage.

But you can't expect her to get "down and dirty" on her own.

You need to initiate it.

As you begin, gradually change position and force... or however you want to proceed. Tell her she excites you more than anyone else and she's going to be getting the proof. Ask her "Did he do this? Did he make you want for more of this?"

Dirty is also in words.

I don't want to feel like a tramp, but I enjoy his description of what he sees when "doggy style" Or what he feels when my muscles contract and grip his organ. I want to know he turns me on. I want to hear his excitement and quickening breath...

The above things excite me. When he touches me. When I touch him... we let each other know..."hmm that's the spot"

My guess is you want her to want you more than wanting any other.

Romance is also in the talking... "No woman has ever made me feel the way you do nor do what you do to get me there."

"There is pleasure only in you."

[Curmudgeon]

Why am I not surprised? This has selfishness and "problem" written all over it.

[White Flower]

 

I'm open to opinions, especially from women.

Hi there,

 

I wonder if your wife is telling you the entire truth about being that wild with other men? Maybe she needs you to believe that for a while before she can be that way with you? She's always been "wifely" with you. That's one idea.

 

Or maybe she is compartmentalizing like a lot of MM do? My MM only wants (Usually) intercourse with me because he can't get it at home, as he gets nothing but oral at home. Makes my job easy. J/K.

 

I can be really wild with MM because he brings it out in me and makes me feel safe with it. IOW, I don't feel he is judging me as bad and naughty when I do so-called wild things. My H has never been able to bring me quite that far and I think it is because he wouldn't think it "wifely".

 

Are you two into watching each other or video taping the outside escapades for later visual? Then you might be able to see for yourself if she is truly as wild for him as she says she is. Not calling her a liar, just maybe she is perceiving herself as wild.

 

Good luck.

[michaelk]

I don't think you're out of line here at all. You rightly point out that if she's comfortable enough to do something with another man, she should be comfortable doing it with you.

 

It seems the open marriage has highlighted a certain lack of intimacy in the marriage, something that was no doubt there all along. If your wife can't feel comfortable being herself in bed with you, then she's keeping some sort of wall up and not letting you access all of her. I would point out to her that more than having an open marriage, it's important for you to have an open relationship with each other. She should feel that you will love her no matter how she acts in bed or what kinds of things she wants. And if she wants something you're not okay with, then she can do it with one of her secondary sex partners. But you always need to be the man who she's most intimate with.

[4whatItsWorth]

... because she decides she now just wants love from him and lust from someone else...

 

Am I the only one who thinks something is really wrong about this quote here??

 

If that is how your W truly feels...then this is the express-way towards affairs and deceits! Well, she'll still call it "open marriage"...but when do you know if she'll draw the line at the right time? If this guy all of sudden tells her that he wants more of her - will she dump him and give up awesome sex or will she continue thinking "oh, it won't lead to anything...I am just keeping him with me so I can still have this awesome sex"? You *need* to have your needs met by your partner alone! Her needs are apparantly involved in feeling both lust and love, and I find it worrysome she isn't gonna get both from you.

 

I really think you should start making her feel lust with you again, or this won't end well...

[Trimmer]

Wow, I just think that the "open marriage" is fraught with so many possibilities for unforseen, unintended consequences that it is an extreme risk. Case in point, right before your very eyes. But I realize this isn't intended to be a debate on the validity or wisdom of an open marriage...

 

... part of our rules however were that whatever was done with the other person should be available to the wife/husband as well (if they wanted it), otherwise it could lead to jealousy.

This seems very clear. I would imagine that part of making an "open" marriage work would be a requirement for "openness" between the married couple. Have you discussed your concerns with her, specifically in relation to this ground rule, which sounds like it directly addresses the current situation? What is her take on this?

 

If all she has in response is that "you should accept her wishes if you love her..." that sounds like a flat-out broken rule, isn't it? What the heck were the ground rules for?

[Love is Tragic]

Hi,

 

My wife and I have been discussing open marriage for a number of months, and I've done quite a bit of research around the topic and after a long time we decided to give it a go. Mainly for her benefit as I'm the only person she had ever slept with, whereas I've had a more experienced sexual history.

 

It appeared to be going well, she slept a couple of times with one guy but now a problem has occurred, that I've seen mentioned elsewhere and I'm after peoples opinions.

 

She's always had problems being adventurous in bed as her parents brought her up thinking sex in marriage was only to make love and have children. But when she's in the mood she can be quite wild.

 

When she slept with this guy she threw herself into it fully and was a total sl*t (her words not mine). She performed with him in a way she hasn't with me for over 18 months.

 

Since then she's now told me that because we know each other so well she feels embarrased when having anything other than lovemaking. She only wants us to have loving sex, which means no naughty nights in the bedroom, or acts that could perceived to be purely sexual anymore. Things that show her receiving pleasure or acting a bit naughty (such as playing with herself) make her feel uncomfortable around me...

 

Heres the thing though, she said he has no problems doing them with the other guy and that I should accept her wishes if I love her.

 

Now, I'm trying to be balanced about this but it seems that someone else gets to receive a side of my wife that I don't - and it doesn't seem right.

 

If we were talking about kinky acts that she wanted and I didn't then fine, but we're talking pretty normal sexual acts (what's normal of course?!) and I can't get my head around it.

 

My view is that a husband and wife should be transparent sexually and emotionally and if either withhold something that they're willing to do with someone else then that's a problem.

 

I'm after opinions as to whether I'm being a complete a*sehole by being a bit peeved by her decision. Does is seem right that my wife can turn up at another blokes house (and she's not bother about the particular bloke), give him the best sex of his life and when she gets home if her husband is horny but not in a particular loving mood not do anything with him.

 

I'm not trying to me all 'big bloke' here, but everyone someone's wants a right good sh*g rather than lovemaking and it looks like I'll not be getting any - but someone else will.

 

Now I'm rambled on I'm open to opinions, especially from women.

 

Many thanks in advance.

 

My H and i too dabbled in the "open marriage" arena for a little while. Im thinking that your wife feels that in a marriage the wife should be the sweet, innocent type who only has sex to make babies or to "make love". Some women dont really get past this once married, they think they should tame down and completely change their sexual personality just for the sake of being married. Since you said you and her have had wild sex before, this is surprising.

 

Personally, i feel very free in having sex with my H, because i am 100% comfortable with him, and it feels very safe to experiment with him. So, if anything, i am more wild and freaky if you will-with him, than i was with any other man. Not that i was tame by far when i slept with other men. So i have a hard time understanding why she has become so tame-My H and i just get freakier as the years go on, nothing is sacred! lol.

 

Im thinking if you just give her time, and let her experiment further with other men, that she will eventually open up to having more interesting sex with you, especially after her confidence and self-esteem have been built up with these new men.