lizafish Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 Hi, After searching the net for somewhere to talk I stumbled upon LS. I thought you were all such amazing people I should post to see what you think. Friends are too biased and I need an objective opinion. Will try to keep this short. Been together 7 years, married for 5. We have a daughter aged 2 1/2. The biggest change was when we had our daughter. My wife was ill with anxiety attacks and depression for 2 years. In those 2 years I had 3 months out of work because I couldn't cope. To get through it I had to be a rock, I spent most of my time just coping and life was hard for both of us. My wife is an amazing mother and having children is all she has ever wanted. I know for certain I don't want any more for a few reasons and when I told her she said "it would be the biggest regret of my life not to have more." By being the rock I learned to cope and at times I had to distance myself to get through things. My workplace is also wearing and I had to be a rock there too. It seems that I have become unemotional about my marriage, wife and daughter. I feel black inside, asking myself why I could feel this way about my own wife and daughter. My daughter is beautiful and I do love her but I don't feel anything like other parents seem to. I'm not fulfilled seeing my wife and daughter happy. I love my wife and care deeply for her but I see her as a mother, and a friend and I can't muster any more. I also think that she has everything she wants... almost. She has a husband she loves deeply, she has a daughter she only dreamed of, we have a nice little house and she does a job she loves. I work in a job that I forced myself into so we could afford to move out and buy a house and it destroyed any chances I have of pursuing a career doing what I really want. I wasn't sure about having a child but our relationship was so strong before we had our baby that I was certain it would be okay. Sometimes I think I'm being a child and I should accept the decisions I've made and live with them but I worry that in years to come I will resent my wife and daughter and that would be damaging to them, they deserve better. Hell I'm not even sure what I feel any more. I feel I've lost all perspective on the situation and I can't even imagine leaving because it is such an alien concept to me. Is there anyone here that has felt this way and what did you do?
Melovator Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 Have you told her any of this? Or have you just hinted around it maybe and then stopped short... Do you really want out or do you just want to be able to talk to her about how you are really feeling? Happiness is a decision, you decide you are going to be happy and that the glass is half full and that Pollyanna wasn't a complete retard. You don't like your job? Well what considerations are involved in you getting a new one? Could you downsize the house? The roles of father and spouse are not concrete blocks tying you down, they provide a safe base from which to explore the world. But you need to take your family along for the ride which means you need to talk to your wife. And I would strongly suggest you go see your doctor and discuss depression, because in dealing with your wife's mental ups and downs it sounds like your mental health has been neglected leaving you feeling the way you are. And why do you think you have to give up your dreams, if you really want to do it you'll find a way to make it happen. Seriously!
sedgwick Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 Have you gone to therapy? It sounds like it would do you a lot of good!
littlekitty Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 This: And I would strongly suggest you go see your doctor and discuss depression, because in dealing with your wife's mental ups and downs it sounds like your mental health has been neglected leaving you feeling the way you are. and this: Have you gone to therapy? It sounds like it would do you a lot of good! Are spot on. That dark feeling inside? Sounds like depression. I think working on that, as well as working though how you feel with a therapist would do you the world of good. Don't make any drastic decisions until you start doing both of these things.
MissMaris Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 Hi, After searching the net for somewhere to talk I stumbled upon LS. I thought you were all such amazing people I should post to see what you think. Friends are too biased and I need an objective opinion. Will try to keep this short. Been together 7 years, married for 5. We have a daughter aged 2 1/2. The biggest change was when we had our daughter. My wife was ill with anxiety attacks and depression for 2 years. In those 2 years I had 3 months out of work because I couldn't cope. To get through it I had to be a rock, I spent most of my time just coping and life was hard for both of us. My wife is an amazing mother and having children is all she has ever wanted. I know for certain I don't want any more for a few reasons and when I told her she said "it would be the biggest regret of my life not to have more." By being the rock I learned to cope and at times I had to distance myself to get through things. My workplace is also wearing and I had to be a rock there too. It seems that I have become unemotional about my marriage, wife and daughter. I feel black inside, asking myself why I could feel this way about my own wife and daughter. My daughter is beautiful and I do love her but I don't feel anything like other parents seem to. I'm not fulfilled seeing my wife and daughter happy. I love my wife and care deeply for her but I see her as a mother, and a friend and I can't muster any more. I also think that she has everything she wants... almost. She has a husband she loves deeply, she has a daughter she only dreamed of, we have a nice little house and she does a job she loves. I work in a job that I forced myself into so we could afford to move out and buy a house and it destroyed any chances I have of pursuing a career doing what I really want. I wasn't sure about having a child but our relationship was so strong before we had our baby that I was certain it would be okay. Sometimes I think I'm being a child and I should accept the decisions I've made and live with them but I worry that in years to come I will resent my wife and daughter and that would be damaging to them, they deserve better. Hell I'm not even sure what I feel any more. I feel I've lost all perspective on the situation and I can't even imagine leaving because it is such an alien concept to me. Is there anyone here that has felt this way and what did you do? I think you are emotionally exhausted and drained from the stress of years past. I would seek therapy, possibly anti-depressants for a short period of time, marriage counseling and start excercising. The body and mind can only take so much stress before it breaks down. Becoming a parent is a huge undertaking. People tend to underestimate how difficult the years following the birth of a child can be. My friend suffered from post-partum for 2 years -- her husband started working longer hours so that she didn't have to go back to work. They both ended up feeling lonely and resentful. She said it was hard to bond with her baby. The marriage almost ended because of all the stress. She said counseling and Prozac saved her relationship with her husband. I'm not advocating drugs for everyone, but you may be a candidate. There is a good book about the mixed feelings people have about parenthood called 'I'm OK You're a Brat' written by Susan Jeffers. She really tells it like it is, when it come to parenting. It's not all Hallmark cards and rainbows, that's for sure. Check it out. I recommended it to someone one time and he couldn't thank me enough. He said, "What she wrote is EXACTLY what I am feeling"
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 We should talk. I know first hand what you are going through and maybe able to give you reassurance that: 1) You are not wrong for having these feelings, 2) You deserve to be happy, 3) You are not trapped. [email protected]
Storyrider Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 Before you consider something drastic like leaving your wife, try making some smaller adjustments like changing jobs or pursuing a past time that you love. Once you actively make some of these smaller changes, see if it helps you feel more hopeful. That is what I am trying to do right now. Why should your lives together reflect only her dreams? It sounds like you have stuffed your own dreams to meet hers and now you feel starved. Start being kinder to yourself and giving yourself what you need before you go off the deep end.
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