Jack0478 Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Hi Everyone... I was wondering if anyone can provide some insight into the mess I have gotten myself into. I am 36 and my gf is 23. She presented herself as unusually mature and well accomplished for her age. We began dating 5 months ago and fell in love. She happens to live with her parents whom I have a good relationship with. She and her mother have an unusually close relationship. The mother is somewhat controlling and completely shelters her...the gf actually lets her do this and justifies it with "I live under her roof so I must follow her demands." The father doesn't say anything because the mother wears the pants. I didn't know this until recently, although I started seeing signs of immaturity in the second months. All in all, everything seemed to be going great with the exception of a few arguments that we resolved in a semi-mature way (she would get totally upset, jump to conclusions then realize things the next day). Her parents live only a few miles from my parents so I believed that we would spend Thanksgiving between both places. She didn't see it that way though. She told me that we were only going out a five months and that we should take it slow and shouldn't even be having this conversation. Moreover, she said that she doesn't go to anyones house for any holiday except her own parents and she wouldn't budge from that position unless she was married. I was so hurt because this was the same woman who tells me she wants to marry me, move in with me, have my children and that she loves me more than any other man she has been with. I felt very hurt and felt she was being selfish and uncompromisable. I told her this in the nicest way I could. She turned the argument around and said that I was being unreasonable and I was hurtful and insensitive. She began crying and said that I ruined her day and her holiday...BECAUSE I TOLD HER ABOUT MY OPINION AND MY FEELINGS!!! She obviously can't deal with any kind of confrontation or indication that she is not right or as perfect as her mother says she is. I tried to be understanding and consideration but I'm not going to kiss her feet like her old boyfriends. I think I should get out before it gets any further. I know she'll call me later but I don't want to argue becuase it seems she can't comprehend a mature discussion about uncomfortable topics in our relationship. It's her way or nothing. Can anyone help?
Lovegod Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Yeah, have thanxgiving with your family and forget about hers. She's gonna have to let go of the teat sometime in her life. But only time will tell whether it'll be when she moves out or when her mother cacks. If her teat-sucking becomes too much of a pain in the ass, find yourself a nice woman who has independence. Word of warning: It's possible she may need someone to tell her what to do with herself because she has no self-control. But I can't tell from your post if that's the case or not.
jcster Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I think you both are over-emotionalizing this situation. It's unfortunate that you both can't agree on what to do for Thanksgiving, but it's a fairly common problem in any relationship. Someone almost always ends up compromising on what they would prefer to do for the holidays - usually because the other partner has stronger views on what should happen. The question is, can you guys compromise without decending into hysterical over-emoting and over - interpretation of "what it means about us?" It sounds to me as if you are starting to have problems with her seeming dependence on her family, and Thanksgiving is just emblematic of the problem. You both don't seem to be communicating well, either, with a lot of control issues coming out. 5 months isn't a long time to know someone, and it's only natural that differences in opinion and lifestyle will start to rear their ugly heads at this point. Only you can decide as to whether you can find a middle ground with her - but you are going to have to meet her half-way and can't demand that she cover all of the distance herself. She's 23 years old, and her family is vitally important to her. That's neither wrong nor right, it just is. Can you accept this without understanding it?
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