rumbl3 Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I just could use some maybe advice for myself. I guess in a sense i'm not looking for direct what to do advice. I just looking to make sure i'm not completely in the wrong and crazy. Sry this might be a bit long. Over the past 3 years since are son was born my fiance and I seem to be sliding over the hill. The other day we seperated and are talking now. But the talk always feels like a one way street to me. As a reminder i always think i could be wrong or not notice things i'm doing wrong. Anyway were supposed to talk tonight and made a list of things we dislike about each other etc. I have admitted to doing things that have damaged are relationship. I at times have gotten depressed and i'll play online games for to long and avoid my problems i admit that. I admit i haven't been the best at helping keep the house up. I admit that i (and her have avoid and run from the problems for to long). I admit i haven't spent enough time with my son. I admit there have been sometimes lately since things have gotten very bad that my language has been bad (mostly for ex. I say What the ****, or **** that. I've never directly called her any bad names) but i admit its not any better using any swear words period in a arguement. I also admit im sure there are things im not even bring up that i've done wrong. I have admitted to all my wrongs and i accept it. But during the talk last night when i go to discuss her wrongs everything kept getting either turned into her wrong was not as damaging as my wrong (i felt like she was trying to take the attention off of her wrong.) or she simply denied it all together. I tried to not make talking about her wrongs a attack. The things i feel are wrong. (by the way her brother 19 and his gf 17 have been staying with us, he does not have a full time job does not go to school. Sleeps on are couch. i have tried to make a deal for rent and giving him his own room and bathroom to give us all privacy, all have been failed attempts.) My problems with her i feel She can not just simply accept that she has done wrong and talk to me about how we can improve or fix it. I just want her to accept that what i am talking about is wrong but she always tries to justify it with something i did wrong right away. I gave her time to tell me what ive done wrong and discuss it without bring up her wrongs. She protects everyone but me i feel. Her brother used all my personal things including my condoms out of my dresser drawer. I wanted to confront him not in a mean way but ask him to please stay out of my belongs especially very personal things like that and replace them. I was told like always with her family "to not saying anything to him he will blow up on you". I feel that is very wrong. It's are HOME NOT HIS! His girlfriend also told my fiance things I swear on my own life i never ever said. My fiance blew up on me out of nowhere the day after and kicked me out and refused to discuss it even after i had come back home. I tried to speak last night about that event and things that have happened that has lead me to some of my damaging behavior. Not picking them at them and bring things up that have already been handled. Bring up things to tell her the time line of when i started feeling this way about something and how it has built up over time. Because i feel that way we can see what has caused some of it not all of it.Some of it i have done to myself. Zero intimacy... She used to come onto me every single night. I private life was great. Now its non-exsistant. I at one time was on a medicine and a side effect was lower drive. But i still made at least a weekly attempt if not more to please her needs. She is on meds and gives absolutely not attempt. And the one time in the last 6 months was no effort from her during it. (sorry to be so personal.) the lack of has made me feel like shes cheating, I know for a fact shes not but still i can't help but have all these mixed feelings like im ugly, or to fat, etc etc. Everytime we disagree she tells me to get out, or takes cheap shots at me and uses my son as the weapon against me. Always expects me to change but for the most part she denies she needs to change at all. She has lied to me about bills, when i've been trying to get her brother to take more responibilty money wise if he is going to live here. its only right he helps out. I have tried to speak with her multiple times about are relationship in the past all failed. she says shes to tired, got a headache, and gets aggervated. Yes she has tried to speak to me too at times. I guess we both need to stop being so bullheaded. When her sister (who has screwed her out of money, has attacked her while she was pregant etc etc.) is having trouble in her personal life or say her brother or anyone she is willing to jump threw a burning building for them. Are problems she puts 90% less effort into solving them. her sister she will put hours on the phone with. If i feel something feel sad. Question her about initmacy she automaticly gets mad and yells at me. There is no discussing what so ever. Things i've written down today to discuss to try to fix things. To fix her brother situation (because he's been sleeping on are living room couch, him and his gf have sex on it which is UNACCEPTABLE) i feel they either need to rent a room and one of are bathrooms from us and share in teh bills or leave. she denies they do anything out there. I've heard them out there when i'm trying to sleep for work in the morning. They have woke up my son before. I wanted her to apologize for not even listening to me when his girlfriend lied about things i never said. I mean even on a side note her brother was in some trouble and gets drug testing. Well on my computer one day i went to search in a search engine and the window for all the stuff already searched came up right in from of my eyes multiple searchs were done on "how to make acid" if you search the net acid for the most part is not detected in drug test. i was very furious. She ignored me when i asked her about it nicely. I'm tired of being 2nd in this relationship of 8 years. when my son was born we had to stay with her parents for 3 months to catch up a few bills and bank money to move. During that time her father did nothing but pick on me. I always had respect for his house. When my fiance was not there i would stay in my room (they made us sleep in seperate rooms...) with my son and played with him, watched tv, never ate any of there food except at dinner which we always chipped in on. He would still pick at me because my full time job wasnt the greatest professional career. Made me feel less then nothing. Even when i talked to her about it she got mad and told me to shut my mouth. I just don't know anymore. When she has had problems with my family I personally go and speak with them. I grow up with them lol so i know how they are and when my fiance tells me something I look at what type of person that family member is and then speak with them about it. She seems to never ever do that for me. Once again I'm sure there are things i dont see are wrong with me. thx for anyone listening. ONCE AGAIN I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LONG POST.
hidee79 Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Sounds like some time apart (as in no contact) would be ideal. Right now, you're too close to the situation. Think about it - when you put a newspaper right up to your face, you can't read a word. You need to keep it a nice distance away, and then you can see all the stories. Right now, your relationship is right up to your face. If possible, move out temporarily. Sublet a place for maybe 3 months. Separate your bank accounts. Plan visitation for your son. Resist calling or emailing or txting. Now, this isn't about you dating other girls. It's a time just for you. Take a good 3 months to just focus on your own life. What are your priorities? Your dreams?
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