bigheartkindsoul Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I do try, just cannot seem to gain any continuity. Today I was ok had a good work appointment means a fair bit of business for me, after I went to the shops as was meeting a friend so while I waited I had a mooch. Looking at all the Xmas stuff just makes me feel so sad and alone, its such a horrible time to be lonely, so many in the UK suffer with this at this time of year. And then trying on a Xmas party dress, I just feel so fat n horrible so my mood has just taken another nose dive. And yes I did tell my friend why I felt glum although she didn't have alot to say, what can she say. Fat, lonely, single and its almost Xmas, can't wait to wake up alone on Xmas morning and open my presents alone, great, not. Just wanted to vent and get that off my chest while I sit here and cry.
funkybassplayer Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Its ok, xmas, can be hard, but maybe instead of feeling crap use your energy to give, maybe to a charity, maybe to an animal home, giving love, will bring love. Please try it hunny. You are putting up lots of calls for help, and you are ready to find it. People will just reply to you here, but you need more than this, and if Put out love thats in you, thats the key to helping you move on in yourself as a person. Please try it, animal charitys or any other cost like £2 a month, it will make you feel good to give.
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 I do, I volunteer for a animal charity. I have been trying to buy a kitten but seriously with no luck I have been to the RSPCA, Cats Protection League, on the internet, ask friends but nothing. I bought all my Xmas cards from charity shops this year, and I give regular donations too aswell as running for charity once a year. I wanna hibernate and come out next spring. I'm not asking for help I just need to let off some steam and post with my vents.
funkybassplayer Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 i know, but putting up pics of you crying is asking people to see your pain, which is fine, cos thats where your at, but try to find out where this deep pain is coming from.
JamesM Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 First off...I understand your feelings. The older I get (okay, I am "only" 43), the less I enjoy the interruption of the winter holidays. And Thanksgiving is a reminder that we are heading into the cold and cloudy winter. Here in Michigan, we have less sun that other places. But this time of year is a reminder that the year is ending and I am getting older. To me it is not an exciting time of year. And I have a wife and children. Most people find the holidays either enjoyable or depressing. While your situation ("fat", single, and lonely) may be part of it, many who are thin, married and with someone, share your mood. Now from my observation here, you do have a lot going for you...your personality comes through on your posts. You seem to be a fun person to be around. You do not appear fat to me when I look at your pictures. Yes, you may have put on weight recently, and having lost 20 pounds recently, I know how this can be a damper on your mood. Yet, this can be remedied. It "simply" (easier said than done, I know) takes an attitude adjustment. Actually it takes a healthy dose of optimism. The best way that I have found is to begin with small steps....a pound or two lost is a time to rejoice. A slight change in diet is better than a radical change. Sometimes simply getting started can build hope inside of you. Any change in life may build excitement. So, I am not sure that any words can help, but I do understand. Many people around you probably have similar thoughts. But we put on our happy faces and moods and go through the holidays. Cheer up...you have "friends" here who are supportive. As I had in my signature for awhile, fell free to PM me if you need someone to listen or give support. Hey, we can both moan about the depressing holidays!
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 Because I am lonely and its Xmas. I'll go now and stop bothering people. Sorry.
funkybassplayer Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Because I am lonely and its Xmas. I'll go now and stop bothering people. Sorry. Please dont mistake words for an attack on you. everyone here wants to help everyone, and you dont have to go anywhere. You never bother anyone, and if you see caring words as an attack, ask yourself, where that feeling is coming from. You said your ex did crap things to you, and it hurt you bad, that is why caring words can be truned in your mind to an attack, as that hurt from your ex is influencing your thinking at this time. Its cool, you will be fine, we all love you.
Mustang Sally Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 BHKS - I think it might be helpful for you to find someone local, who could give you a more stable therapeutic relationship than us at LS. i.e. a counselor. This is NOT to say that you can not continue to share with us here. Certainly, that is what this site is for and many here are willing and would like to help you in any way possible. But your mood swings and representation of them concern me. For your well-being. And I think this might be dealt with more completely with some IC rather than just relying on this site. If you have already pursued such avenues, then good for you, and I'm very happy to hear it. Good luck to you, I wish you solace.
Matt82 Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Ive been reading this forum for a couple of months since a horrible break up, but I finally registered today. Your posts strike me as very similiar to how I feel or have felt since it happened. Just want you to know that you are not alone, there are a whole bunch of us going through the exact same thing and feeling the exact same way. Ive realized that the ups and downs are uncontrollable, its almost like a roller coaster. I have just learned to ride them out and to hope for more ups than downs as time progresses. Like you though, I absolutely dread christmas and might just sleep right through the day if I can. good luck!
Krytie TV Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Fat, lonely, single and its almost Xmas, can't wait to wake up alone on Xmas morning and open my presents alone, great, not. Just wanted to vent and get that off my chest while I sit here and cry. Learning what I have learned in the past 2 years about moving out and moving on, I would say that this is the biggest indicator that you're not in a "good place" to have a healthy relationship with someone else right now. Not until you're in a good place by yourself. I spent months recently wanted to meet all these new people and dating a lot and blah blah, but it wasn't until this week that I noticed that I just really don't care anymore. Dating has slowed down and I don't care. I used to constantly think about having someone I could cuddle up and watch movies in the dark with and now I find that I just don't think about it anymore. The point is that I feel like only now am I really ready for a good realtionship if it comes around. I'm happy alone and don't spend all my time thinking about needing someone else. Try embracing the challenge of facing the holidays alone and use it as a test for yourself and a strngth builder. If you try hard enough, you can make it a game rather than a depression trigger. Get through the holidays by yourself and you can get through almost anything.
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Xmas is still a month away...Alot could change between now and then. Anyway, sorry your day sucks and just keep on venting. Hopefully tomorrow you'll feel better and not be so down and out.
SunnyLady Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Xmas is still a month away...Alot could change between now and then. Anyway, sorry your day sucks and just keep on venting. Hopefully tomorrow you'll feel better and not be so down and out. I agree...xmas is a month away. You don't know what blessings could come your way. Stay positive. :)You are anticipating the worst, be optimistic. I know its hard.
marty Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 through yesterday and the day before you gave me a lot of support BHKS. you know i had the same thing last sunday,, woke up with a positive energy, My friend had stayed over with me for the night to have a wee laugh. Watched some Ricky Gervais and the like,,,,had fun for a change. Well, she was going to Glasgow with her pal, so i dropped her off at the train station,, had a plan,,,,, some xmas shopping for the family,,, treat myself to some new shoes (my god how girly does that sound!!!),go to the gym,, nice dinner,,, and some online gaming in the evening with some of my online buddies,, none of it happened,, saw everyone (mostly couples:sick:) , all happy, arms full of presents, kids everywhere full of excitement, pestering their parents:). its amazing how your system just switches,, in 5 seconds, one thought of last xmas came into my head, and the fact that i'm gonna be alone, and she's probably with someone new already,,energy gone!!! i lasted 10 minutes in town then off back home. now i'm pretty disgusted with myself , but i'm learning all the time. we are here for you sweetheart!!!!!! we are all here for each other. i dont know what i would have done without these lovely people. p.s. i did get some luuurvly black high heels. kidding,,,,,,,,, do i detect a wee smile,,,,,,,,go on,,,,,,,for me.,,,,,,,,,
Jmina Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 Hey BHKS, Sorry to hear you are feeling down again! I know you were just getting some thoughts off your chest but i am still going to offer some advice. You might not want to read it now, but maybe in a few days you might change your mind. I know that you try to keep high spirited, i have read what you do for yourself and i truly believe that you are trying to get better. and yes it is very hard at christmas time. So i acknowledge that you put in some hard work foryourself! However, you know what. Its not impossible! (and i am sure you know this really) and you could be doing so much more. The reason it feels impossible is because as soon as you start to feel like your becoming sad you then ram raid all these thoughts and suggestions to yourself... fat, alone, single and god knows what else.I knwo that what you call yourself i wouldn't want to call myself, and i wouldnt want you to call me it either because i respect and love who i am. Even when i am at my most depressed i refuse to verbally harass jmina! The fact is you don't nessesarily have to be so negative. You are making a choice right there and then to think that way which then changes how you feel about yourself. I would love to hear that you love and respect yourself also!! 100% all the time. (Also, what is wrong with have a few extra pounds? my ex was overweight and it didnt change anything for me or her... i loved her and adored her to bits and was highly attracted to her!) We can see you are beautiful on the inside and out. Why can't you? Again i ask, what is your payoff for bringing yourself down BHKS? the fact is when something is 100% unpleasant we don't do it again and again and again. When you learn that a hot plate is burning hot you learn not to touch it again -from fear! When you talk to someone a certain way and they totally beat you down emotionally you learn not to do it again -from fear! when you dye your hair a color you hate, when you taste foods you hate, when you find yourself in a scary place possibly suicidal you learn not to do it again because you know that when you get there it is 100 rotten! You are not afraid to nose dive over and over. When in fact if there was no payoff at all you would make yourself learn not to go there again. If you became so depressed and so delusional that you began to halucinate i am sure you wouldnt want to go there again. So why isn't having a nose dive just as bad? the answer is because you get something out of it. (believe me ive done it) I know you can control your thoughts because you control the bad ones to stay and the good ones have no chance. If you can do that you can do the opposite. So what you are experiencing isnt 100% unpleasant because of that payoff. something is keeping this going and you have to figure out what it is. Ironically i would like you to avoid, avoiding the problem. step up instead of stepping back to justify the depressed mood swings. Also while you are figuring this out, i would suggest not to look at christmas decorations on your own or while your emotional. If you know that looking at christmas decorations will make you sad then dont look at them, walk another way through something that will make you feel good! take a detour! Or by an ipod and stick in uplifting songs for yourself to listen to while you have to walk through the mall, make yourself a pack before you head out that you will stay strong and control the thoughts just dont take the short stick and drag yourself down when you dont HAVE to be so sad. BHKS along with having a payoff i feel that you are avoiding your the deep cause of your problem, which in turn creates these mood swings and nose dives that you go through. Are you being 100% honest with yourself? Do you know what youre not being honest about? Self can be very confusing and hard work to solve the root of our problems. Sometimes we just feel lousy, hormonal, emotional and thats okay. That's life. It cant be pleasant all the time! But what i don't agree with and what doesnt have to be a part of life is the negative internal dialogue we play over to create our negative world that we live in. Jmina xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 22, 2007 Author Posted November 22, 2007 Thank you all for your words and support. Jmina - The main reason is several things I may hate him (ex) however I do miss him or someone, although I know the time is not right for me to find someone new and I know that the ex was no good for me, I still like so many others miss them, miss the company, miss the companionship that so many yearn this time of year especially. The deep cause of my problem well I guess its just some form of acceptance, knowing I am normal and wanted instead of what has been inbuilt in me that I am not good enough and never will be to someone that was supposed to love me and protected me instead of messing with a teenagers head in such a way. Trust me I am working on this as well as the other things, it just doesn't happen overnight, it will take more than a few days/weeks to undo years of deep rooted issues. You are right I should stop giving myself such a hard time and be so negative about myself, old habits die hard. But one day out of 4 or 5 is alot better than how I used to be, hating myself each and every day and finding nothing good about myself when I look in the mirror. Could I do more - yes - only problem I have is I have become a little more insular and have been isolating myself alot more than I should be doing. I guess because I have been finding the outside world a little stressful and overwhelming at times I have just wanted to stay here, even doing my exercise here instead of going to the gym!! I will make more effort on this and am going to my fencing lesson this evening and have plans for the whole weekend. I am also going to look at a kitten/cat this afternoon, having something to love and have for company will help me, it will also help the cat as she is a rescue one. Don't forget also that I am still balancing off after coming off my anti depressent meds, so under the circumstances and now this morning with a clearer head I once again pat myself on the back for managing to come off them and still be getting through the days. I have got myself one of those SAD light bulbs, also I have dug out my book about meditation and might give that ago as someone previously suggested. I have also this morning hidden all the chocolate so I can't get at it that easily and hopefully will make me think twice before eating any.
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 22, 2007 Author Posted November 22, 2007 I hate him, yet miss him I don't love him, yet yearn for him I thought I knew, but I know nothing I thought I'd found myself, yet I am lost I thought I was happy, yet I am sad I thought I was in control yet I am not I thought I was strong, yet I am weak I think thoughts too much and the thoughts drive me insane This is where I sign off. I am a mess with my head and do not know how to sort it out. Thank you to all the lovely people on here, my heart goes out to all of you. xxx
marty Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 im on msn, please talk.,,, or shout if you want. dont do this to yourself. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
funkybassplayer Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 im on msn, please talk.,,, or shout if you want. dont do this to yourself. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Sometimes people have to be left to themselves in order for them to find the strenth inside themselves to pull them through.
SunnyLady Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 Sometimes people have to be left to themselves in order for them to find the strenth inside themselves to pull them through. I used to think so too...but i realised that i gain so much strength from talking to people or being around people. These days i DREAD being home alone. I encourage as many friends as possible to come over. It is so hard to live like a snail and retire into our individual shells when we feel down. But coming out of that shell does wonders . Love shack has been so helpful to me. I don't know what i would have done had i not stumbled on this forum. I regret that i found it only just recently. And seeing people on here going through what i am going through and in some cases even worse makes me feel alive. At least i know that there are many of you on here who can relate to the way i am feeling. Big heart kind soul, its expected that your moods will tease you. And your pills obviously augument to the swings. You need to tell yourself positive things. As hard as it is. I live in London and i understand your fears about chrismas. All the adverts on tv and the shiny lights and you know...the chrismassy period. But take it a day at a time. Don't worry about the future beacause it will be fine. Don't over burden yourself just focus on taking each day as it comes and remain positive. I recommend you watch loads of Dvd's. It might not work for you but they do a lot of good for me. Please no romantic movies as they ring back too many memories. I recommend real life stories about less fortunate people. These movies stimulate my mind and bring me back to reality. These movies remind me of what other people (non love related) are going through. Bigger and worse problems. Example going to jail, poverty, having no friends and family, crimes, wars etc. They work for me. I hope they do you some form of good. Lastly i recommend you get the movie "WAITING TO EXHALE". You need to see it. One of the characters had her husband leave her for another woman after 11years of marraige and two kids. The others are women who found it hard to gain true love. They always got involved with the wrong men. Ill leave it at that so i don't spoil the sequence of events for you. It left me all teary eyed but in a postive way. Life does go on and it brings nasty shocks BUT good surprises. Please don't give up on yourself. xxx
funkybassplayer Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 everyone is different, and for me it was great to be on my own and feel what i needed to to get back on top again. Of course some need the help of others to do this, but in my case i wanted to feel what i needed to. I guess i dont need people around me to pick myself up. Sometimes we have to hit the low before we can start to climb again, and if you keep puting that off, it wil take longer in the long run.....but thats just me being around people is a short term fix, but when they go, the pain is still inside. It has to come out in order to heal, be that with people, on your own or others. Also some people dont have that option of calling up lots of friends. !
frd150 Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 Hey BHKS, Just wanted to send you a big (((HUG))). Obviously today is thanksgiving here in the states,a very special and big deal for me and her . I concider it one of my milestones. Things get easier and easier with each one I pass. The ups and down are normal. Just think about the ups you have coming your way...there will be many trust me. And yes xmas is a month away and alot can happen between now and then, alot of good things. Oh and the drugs. Been there done that. I figured out that they only delayed the inevitable BUT yes they were helpful when I was on them . Coming off them was a worse hell than if I had not had taken them at all. I decided no more. I need to do this on my own. I was always a happy person so why drugs? I flushed them down the toilet. That was four months ago. Ive repalced the drugs with the gym and my mountainbike. My point is be careful,please. They are only temporary. I look forward to hearing that you had a really good day.
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 22, 2007 Author Posted November 22, 2007 I hate him, yet miss him I don't love him, yet yearn for him I thought I knew, but I know nothing I thought I'd found myself, yet I am lost I thought I was happy, yet I am sad I thought I was in control yet I am not I thought I was strong, yet I am weak I think thoughts too much and the thoughts drive me insane This is where I sign off. I am a mess with my head and do not know how to sort it out. Thank you to all the lovely people on here, my heart goes out to all of you. xxx I am still struggling but instead of pushing myself too far and going to the gym/exercising again I am giving myself a night off & just sit & relax for once. My thoughts still bother me, still upset me. I know people say I should be in control of my thoughts - it isn't as easy to do as it is to say, as is the case with many things we say on here (myself included). I have offered advice of try this try that, while good advice, everyone is different, everyones requirements for healing are different. Some need solitude, others need to have an active social life. Some can do NC easily (myself included) others cannot help themselves. Some need straight talking and tough love, others need love and cuddles to see them through the dark times. All I know is I am trying, trying to read, trying to take on others advice, trying to keep active, trying to keep fit - perhaps I need to just stop trying so hard because I am getting worn out. I want so much for this pain to be over, but have no magic wand - if I did I would help all others whom are having to struggle also. And perhaps there lies my problem, always putting others needs before my own.
Jmina Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Well BHKS loving self is the miracle cure. you really do need to put yourself first during this time. xxxx
brothermartin Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Hey BIGHEART, I know, it sucks. I feel the same way. I've been angry and doing too much thinking about that damn ex-girlfriend. Shes out of town with her family, having a great ThanksGiving, and Im stuck here, not able to go see my family. Stuck here alone, having to DEAL with the f**king holidays rather than really ENJOY them. The upside is I had a good dinner with a couple of friends, and no work for the next 3 days! I wish I could give you some words of encouragement champ, but I just dont have it in me right now. Sorry.
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