it hurts Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I kept a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years, until May of this year when finally we moved together (planning to get married next year). I just found out, 3 days ago, that he has been cheating on me the last 6-7 months before moving with me. I confronted him...he denied it first…but I had evidence (didn’t give him all the details, to see how far he was going to go with his lies), so he finally accepted it, he said he loves me and that his A has ended long before moving with me. But, I know they were together just a week before he moved with me!!. And, I don’t know if they are still in contact…he denies it, but I can’t trust him anymore. I feel like crap now…I haven’t been able to sleep or eat these last 3 days…I can’t focus on my work…and, I cry like crazy frequently… All this is extremely painful…and, I need to know all the truth, but I know he keeps lying…I don’t know what to do…He also keeps saying that he loves me, and wants to make our relationship work… I love him so much, and part of me wants to make this work…but, I can’t because I know he hasn’t told me all the truth, I know he keeps lying…and, the more he lies, the more I feel like crap…I don’t know if he lies to protect me, or to protect his own ass… I would like to know what should I do…I would like all this pain to go away…
burningman Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 "…I don’t know if he lies to protect me, or to protect his own ass…" The answer here is both. And the feeling isn't going to go away. Until he tells the whole truth, it's going to be gutwrenching. And if he doesn't eventually tell the whole truth, it's over. It may take days, it may take weeks. You have to figure out how to get the truth out of him, and he has to realize why he needs to tell the truth, or it's over. A kind person named Cobra (and a few others too) are going to come in here and tell you that most cheaters will only respond to consequences. They'll explain this much better than I can right now. Find the book "Not Just Friends" and start reading it ASAP, and next day air that book from AMZN. Read everything in this forum that you have time to read. It will empower you.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 All this is extremely painful…and, I need to know all the truth, but I know he keeps lying…I don’t know what to do…He also keeps saying that he loves me, and wants to make our relationship work… I love him so much, and part of me wants to make this work…but, I can’t because I know he hasn’t told me all the truth, I know he keeps lying…and, the more he lies, the more I feel like crap…I don’t know if he lies to protect me, or to protect his own ass… I would like to know what should I do…I would like all this pain to go away… Well, what comes across in your post is NOT "I would like to know what I should do". Your BF has been revealed for what he really is - a liar and a cheat. Feel fortunate that, unlike many that post here, you found out before marriage and children. I know it hurts but you're getting off relatively easy. Your real question should be "I don't know how to do what needs to be done" and that part is easier. Move out today - into a friends place, a hotel or your own apartment. Go NC with your BF as that will keep him from lying to you further. And get the best revenge there is - living a good life, finding happiness and someone who will treat you well. Don't wait... Mr. Lucky
Author it hurts Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 Actually, I kicked him out from the apt the same day I found out...but, he keeps calling and sending emails... I should have known better...we were friends for a couple of years before becoming a couple, and he was a cheater then. I know it makes me look very stupid, but it is a long story, and by that time I believed him when he told me I was the first person he had fallen in love with. I guess that is the way he is, and it was just a matter of time... Being rational, I think I shouldn't give him a second chance...I don't think I could trust him again...but, I love him, and part of me wants to believe he really wants to make things right this time... He is never going to change, isn't he?...
Frances Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Get out now and stay out as mr lucky says better to find out now and save yourself a lot of heartache down the road when your choices maybe more limited and you have kids to consider. You love the person you thought he was not the cheat that he is. If I was young and had more reasonable choices I would kick my h out and make a life for myself. Do not take him on. You want someone who really loves you and will not cheat. Take it from me it is much harder further down the line. good luck
In mourning Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 If I had the opportunity to know my H had it in him to cheat, I'd walk away before making him my husband. You have a lot of choices to make and plenty of time. I say your lucky because your not ten years into a marriage with 6 kids. Think about this: not only having to go to work in the morning and trying to feed yourself, but having to take care of 4 kids and being pregnant. I now know my H cheated while we were dating, I wish my eyes were not so clouded to his betrayals. If you don't know if you want to try and reconcile or walk away and move forward take some time. You say he was cheating for 6-7 mths. Why do you need to decide right now if you want him in your life? Tell him to back off give you some time (without him), and I would suggest that if he wants to be with you and willing to jump through hoops he should use this time to start IC. He needs to get to the root of why he cheats. It would also be helpful for the two of you to take MC. I incourage pre marriage counseling. There are so many things people don't discuss while in the blind love stage of the relationship. I'm not trying to suggest that because your not married that your pain is less and some how makes it easier to walk away from your relationship. You've been together a long time you have already made future plans with this man. The same pain is felt regardless if your married or not. You were betrayed by some one you love, Although you are the only victim to his betrayal at this point. ((((((HUGS))))))) I'm sorry you were thrown on this hellasious roller coaster ride.
Author it hurts Posted November 22, 2007 Author Posted November 22, 2007 Yeah, it hurts like hell…we have gone through a lot of things together, I always felt he was there for me…I was not expecting this, and that makes all worst..obviously, I can’t know when he is lying to me, and that makes giving him a second chance very difficult. He is begging me to take him back, he says he really loves me…that he’ll do whatever it takes to win my trust again…but, I dont know if that is possible after all this. It is a long thing to explain, but I don’t have a lot of time to take a decision… we moved to the same city to be together…we both gave up some things…if we are not going to give the relationship a second chance, it doesn’t make any sense for me to stay in this city. And, being separated again means…well, that more than likely we will not get together ever again. I love him so much that I can’t not trust myself when I think he loves me…maybe I just see what I want to see…I don’t know what to do…I want to give him a second chance, but I don’t think I should…
Lizzie60 Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 If you give him a second chance... be prepared to give him a third, a fourth, a fifth... he won't change... Imagine.. he hasn't even moved with you yet and he's cheating... it won't get better, it will only get worst... Usually, they don't cheat before M or living common-law for a little while... but when they do cheat before the M or right away after the M.. they are usually incorrigible... I know this is hard for you..but if you think he will change... I don't think so...
abeliever Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 Well, ditto sister! I hate to say it. It is so sad and I am truly, truly sorry! But your not married and listen to what we are all saying "from experience" unfortunately. Once they do it, you take them back trust me, read my thread, they most likely WILL do it again! I feel your pain. There is nothing like it! But your still able to make a better pick for a H (husband) and make sure the one you pick a man who hates cheating as much as you do! Best of luck, and I hope your life turns out just the way you planned! abeliever
Author it hurts Posted November 22, 2007 Author Posted November 22, 2007 this sucks so much!!!...I hate feeling this way... I know I should forget about him, but I can't...
Author it hurts Posted November 22, 2007 Author Posted November 22, 2007 do you think I should walk away only because we aren't married yet?...I mean...what if I find out after being married (that would have been by may next year...gosh, I haven't told family and friends yet about cancelling the wedding)... is it the time when I found out important to decide if stay or walk away?... I am really confused... I want to give him a second chance, but that sounds so stupid...
T L Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 do you think I should walk away only because we aren't married yet?...I mean...what if I find out after being married (that would have been by may next year...gosh, I haven't told family and friends yet about cancelling the wedding)... is it the time when I found out important to decide if stay or walk away?... I am really confused... I want to give him a second chance, but that sounds so stupid... You will have to make your own decision but please take the time to do that and dont let yourself rush into anything. If anything I would consider going to Individual Counceling it may help you see things with more clarity. Five months before my wedding I found out my Fiancee, who I had been with for 6 1/2 years, had an emotional affair, I loved (still do, but am starting to seriously dislike) my Fiancee and still got married. Six months later (two months ago) she moved back to her parents after having an affair with the new office junior at her employment. I should have postponed the wedding at the very least, to give us time to either work on things or truly decide if we could continue the relationship. I didnt do that for various reasons and that is something I now have to live with. Even after my W left two months ago, during the first few of weeks of the seperation if W had asked to come back (I dont think she will) I would probably have said yes. Now a bit more time has passed I realise that is really not the life I had envisioned for myself (who would?), living with someone who cares so little about your feelings, no one deserves to live like that, its a very high price to pay. Too high. You just dont always realise it when you are in the middle of it.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 I want to give him a second chance... To do what? The same thing again? Again, you know what to do. And believe me, I know (as do many others here) how hard it is... Mr. Lucky
abeliever Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 You have been given a gift, and you really are not getting it. You see this could have been you 5-10 yrs down the line. But your lucky, you learned BEFORE you married. That my friend is a gift! Sure you can take him back. It is your decision, you take some time. Listen to your gut. You really don't have a lot of time left before the wedding. I suggest talking to a pastor if you have one or a Counselor. But it needs to be addressed ASAP! I wish you peace in your process and much luck. abeliever
Recommended Posts