lost4ever Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I had an affair for over a year, my H wanted to try and make our M work: I need help (or insight) with this phase of the journey.... I have done everything the people on this forum say they need from a spouse that cheats: I have given him every password to every account I have, I deleted my myspace account, I kiss his a$$ every day and night, if a friend calls I put it on speaker phone so that he hears everything being said, I do my class work and employment work on my lap top while sitting next to him so he can see everything I type, If I go out of the house for some reason, I call him every 5 min so that he knows I am not on the phone and/or knows where I am at all times..... I know I have to put 100% into giving this one more go, but how long do I have to keep going on like this, does it ever become at least semi-normal or is it a lost cause? Last night I was switching over my key rings and I have a little silver heart on the key ring, he started to clean it off because it was getting the tarnish stuff on it and he broke down, I asked him what was wrong and he got sentimental on me, the "I remember when I bought this for you, I was happy then" (I understand this going on from time to time, but this is every day...2 to 3 times a day) I told him, I understand you are still hurt and I am trying so very hard, I am trying everything I can, he says he knows, I asked him if he needed time away from me, he said no, he will not let me out of his site again.... please help me to understand what is going on and how long this will last: I am sooooo tired of trying to be perfect ( I am not perfect and it is hard to put the act on all the time) Do I have to live like this for the rest of my life, will he ever relize that he can't live like this either, and let me go? This isn't what I wanted, this isn't love: Our whole life is a scene from a tv show....so fake and both walking on egg shells....I know I made a mistake and I know I have to try and regain his trust, but doesn't he have to give me the option of messing up and choosing not to? I'm sorry I posted in this forum, I just kind of feel like a misfit on this board now, Can't go to OW froum b/c I'm not an OW, can't go to this forum, b/c I am the cheater. Don't want to go to divorce forum, because I don't want it to seem like I am jumping right into that thought process....
LifesontheUp Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 You say your affair was for over a year but I can't seem to find how long ago since your husband found out. Can you say please? Also did he find out by accident or did you come clean and tell him?
Tripper Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Do I have to live like this for the rest of my life, will he ever realize that he can't live like this either, and let me go? You didn't say how long it's been since he found out about the affair, but each individual has their own grieving period. How long has this been going on? Has he seen a therapist to help him work through this?? What's his support network?? Also you may need to open the lines of communication more. While actions speak louder than words and you're doing the right things, does he know how you feel? How hard you are trying to repair the trust and the damage?? Have you been to MC?? Sorry for all the questions...
cj1988 Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I am sorry, but if you REALLY love this mand you want to make this marriage work you will have to continue until HE is secure again to some extent. What I get from reading your post "does you need time away" "is he going to let me go" it seems as if you are NOT in love with him and you might want out. If that is the case, then YOU leave him and let him find someone else that he can have a normal life with and a new start. Remember YOU are the one that cheated and lied to your SO, so YOU now have to wait and do this as long as he needs, or get out. Maybe you can talk to him again and reassure him how sorry you really are and how bad it hurts you to see HIM this way and ask him what else you can do to make him fell better......if you love him and want this to work, do not give up, if you don't, let him move on with another !
LifesontheUp Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Its only been 6 months, thats nowhere near enough time for him to heal. You need to look at some books and other sites like surviving infidelity to see that this is a long hard road you are on and it can takes years to recover. Once he is comfortable and you have gained back enough of his trust I am sure that you will no longer need to call in every 5 minutes. What I get from your post (I may be wrong), is that you are just going through the motions of reconciling. I say this because of your comments about kissing his a** and just your the general lack of compassion. Not once in your post did you tell us that you love him with all your heart and want to make this up to him. It comes across that you don't really love him, perhaps I am wrong and I apologise if I am. If I am right then please do him a favour and leave him so that he can grieve and move on with his life.
Author lost4ever Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 My choice is to stay and work on my M, I am in this 110%. I don't know if this M will work out, but I do know I will try my hardest. I understand it will take a while to get back to where he can trust me. The reason I asked these questions was that he has had control issues (we were in counseling before the A because of this) I want to make sure that he understands that I am all for working hard to gain his trust back and for working on this M, but I do not want him to think I just gave him the green light to control my actions for the rest of my life (just control for a bit) Our communication skills have been excellent, we both know how eachother feels and we both know we are in "limbo" (I have a nagging feeling that if I loved him the way I was suppose to I wouldn't have cheated, he has a nagging feeling that he will never be able to look at me and not hurt) Bad choice of words with the kissing his a$$ thing, I don't feel the way it came off, I was using the expression b/c that is the advice given most of the time (you have to kiss the spouse a$$) and I wanted to express that I am doing whatever it takes. As for letting him go to find someone else, that is his decision to make, I am not making him stay with me, I have expressed that I will work on me and this was MY mistake (he did nothing to cause this), I have explained to him that he is far to good of a man to have to forgive me for this, and has explained that HE KNOWS I am the one that is "good" for him and he knows that he can leave anytime he wants...I have confidence in my H that he knows what is best for him, I do not need to make that decision for him.
LifesontheUp Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Ok so I'm hoping that you are still in counselling as this should help both of you deal with the issues and move forward. Would recommend some of the following books for both of you. Up to you if you decide to give it ago. After the Affair - Janis Abraham Springs Not Just Friends - Shirley Glass The Monogamy Myth - Peggy Vaughan Like I said, the road to recovery is long and has its ups and downs. Sometimes you will feel like its one step forward and two back but it sounds like you are willing to put your all into it. I wish you all the best.
Author lost4ever Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 Thanks for the website and books, I still need some advice on how to go about the healing process...Should I act now how I know he wants me to, and try to change later on (after the trust is back, little by little) or Do I tell him, look I still need to have friends and I still need to be able to go to the mall, I still need to travel for my job (I have held off all overnight travel for awhile but it will not last much longer) and these things you will have to deal with if we want this to work out. I guess I need to hear how other peoples wayward spouse acted (and your reaction) Did you still let your spouse travel, go to the mall? Did they stop doing these things for a while...How long ect.
reboot Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Everything I've read says it takes 2 to 3 years.
burningman Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Are you truly remorseful? If so, why? Do you truly love him? Can you even answer those questions right now? No offense, but this isn't really clear. Sounds like you need counseling, books, education and then some re-evaluation.
Author lost4ever Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 Are you truly remorseful? If so, why? Do you truly love him? again, Yes I am truly remorseful...Why? Because my H has done everything he could for over 5 years to make sure I am happy and healthy...He has a great job and works hard to make sure I am comfortable, There were nights he stayed up way later than he should of to talk to me about my family and their problems to make sure I understood he loves me and supports me, He brought me flowers home at least once a week during our whole marriage, he has decorated our home with hundreds of paper hearts and wrote on each one what he loves about me, He writes good morning on the bathroom mirror when taking his morning shower, so that I know that he was thinking of me, He calls me through out the day while at work just to ask how I am doing.....and in the end I took the thing he valued most and ruined it (our marriage)...I will always be remorseful for what I did, I feel ashamed and unworthy to even be given a chance to work on this marriage....I do love him and I will do everything I can to not hurt him...everything, that is why I am hear asking for advice on how to deal with his emotions I do not want to hurt him anymore, now or in the future....as for do I love him...more than my action showed in the past, I love him enough to do whatever it takes for him to be happy, His happiness is what I want, because I love him...and if that means letting him go, I would (but I will not be the one to tell him: for your happiness I am letting you go) that is for him to decide, I can not read his mind....for right now he wants to work on our M....but not only do I want to "put a band-aid" on this M: I want it to be "fixed" which is why I am asking question on future issues
reboot Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 It sounds to me like you're doing your level best. Give him time.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I I told him, I understand you are still hurt and I am trying so very hard... But you don't understand. Because if you did, you wouldn't need to ask the question of "how long?". He's going to keep on like this until he believes you know EXACTLY what he's gone through, until you can feel the same sense of loss he feels, until you've grieved for the innocence of your earlier relationship like he did (like he still is), until the two of you are sharing these feelings together. What a betrayed spouse needs most is to KNOW that you really do understand. Maybe as an exercise you could try this... use your imagination to "walk a mile in his shoes", then try to extend yourself emotionally and weigh the quality of his feelings as you imagine them to be your own. Really get into it. Once you've immersed yourself a few times, you might find that you've got some additional 'talking points' so as to engage him in discussion. Betrayed spouses often feel the NEED to talk. It gets a bit repetitive, like tonguing a sore tooth, but it's also cathartic.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Because my H has done everything he could for over 5 years to make sure I am happy and healthy...He has a great job and works hard to make sure I am comfortable, There were nights he stayed up way later than he should of to talk to me about my family and their problems to make sure I understood he loves me and supports me, He brought me flowers home at least once a week during our whole marriage, he has decorated our home with hundreds of paper hearts and wrote on each one what he loves about me, He writes good morning on the bathroom mirror when taking his morning shower, so that I know that he was thinking of me, He calls me through out the day while at work just to ask how I am doing. How long did the affair last? I'm also curious as to why, in your mind, you think you cheated? Mr. Lucky
Author lost4ever Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 The affair lasted for a little over a year and a half: for half of the affair H and I were seperated I cheated because I was not happy in my marriage and instead of sticking it out and working on it: I left and started another relationship...I felt hopeless and wanted to be done with the M...honestly I thought I was having an exit affair.... After I told of the A and another seperation....I now understand that I can not lean so much on my H to make me happy, I now understand that I have to be happy and in return my H will be happy..... to ladyJane: I think I have been trying everything to prove that I am remorseful...I know how much this hurts/hurted him...what I don't know is how to express to him (because I don not think he understands)..... I am having a hard time deciding on being "brutally honest" with questions he ask or giving him what he needs to hear, for example: last night we were talking and he said: When you go on business trips 20 years from now, will you wish you were home and will you sit in the hotel room only and board wishing you were with me.....My answer: H, I love you and I would always rather be with you than on the road, but I will not just sit in a hotel room and wish I was somewhere else..... This is how I really feel, but maybe I should have told him, Yes I promise to sit by myself in tears wishing I was home with you...but than it would be a lie.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I think I have been trying everything to prove that I am remorseful...I know how much this hurts/hurted him...what I don't know is how to express to him (because I don not think he understands)..... Sweetie, you will NEVER fully understand what he's feeling, you can only just approximate it as best you can. You're a woman, and he's a man.... and the difference between genders is more than just innies and outties. His brain is wired just a bit differently than yours and mine. His memory of events, the way he stores and recalls them, is different. You know, for him.. it's almost a visual thing where his imagination is so vivid, he might have stood there and WATCHED for all that. It's not insurmountable though. He's probably going to "trigger" more often than a female might, and his triggers will be fairly intense. Ride 'em out. Don't internalize them. Offer him comfort and reassurance when he's in the midst of one. Don't forget, there's a bit of leftover biological programming to overcome. If you think about it, men protect their interests in the gene pool by keeping rivals away from their mate. There's something a bit primitive still at work here. If you haven't read The Five Love Languages yet, maybe give it a try. In that way, you can offer comfort and reassurance in ways where he can best recognize them as "love". Once emotional intimacy is restored to the relationship, he's going to be a whole lot more inclined to believe you really do understand him. It's only been six months. If you happened to catch ThumbingMyWay's post this morning on Heftysmurf's thread... you'll see that it's still early days. And you'll also see that it's do-able. I am having a hard time deciding on being "brutally honest" with questions he ask or giving him what he needs to hear, for example: last night we were talking and he said: When you go on business trips 20 years from now, will you wish you were home and will you sit in the hotel room only and board wishing you were with me.....My answer: H, I love you and I would always rather be with you than on the road, but I will not just sit in a hotel room and wish I was somewhere else..... This is how I really feel, but maybe I should have told him, Yes I promise to sit by myself in tears wishing I was home with you...but than it would be a lie. A more honest answer might've been that you don't really know where you'll be in twenty years time... but that you hope he'd be right there beside you. Of course, you NEVER want to get caught in a lie. It undermines all the good work you've done. But, the truth doesn't have to be brutal either. When you really don't have an answer for him, it's okay to say so. Maybe at times like that, it'll lead you to more discussion and better questions. All that said, if he's on a fishing expedition for reassurance... why not just bring it out into the open and call it by it's correct name? Why not tell him straight up that he doesn't have to make up all these hypothetical situations in order to find out if you love him?
Author lost4ever Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 Thank You so much LadyJane, This is the kind of advice I needed and I will follow...thank you!
Cobra_X30 Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I cheated because I was not happy in my marriage and instead of sticking it out and working on it: I left and started another relationship...I felt hopeless and wanted to be done with the M...honestly I thought I was having an exit affair.... After I told of the A and another seperation....I now understand that I can not lean so much on my H to make me happy, I now understand that I have to be happy and in return my H will be happy..... Lost, This was caused by a combination of your internal problems along with issues within your marriage. You can and should take every step towards fixing those things within yourself which allowed you to choose the affair. Part of that is realizing in your heart, not just your brain, that you deserve to be happy. So, you and your H are faced with a situation where you BOTH have to make a change. Your going to have to spend years building trust with him, and make no bones about that. However, this is a two way street, and without a concerted effort on his part to change those things within the marriage which caused issues, you will wind up in the exact same place you started. Part of building trust with him is going to require you to become honest with what you need from him. Don't let guilt stand in your way. You can own 100% of the A, and still demand that he change his problem areas. Plus you may need to make some compatability compromises. Kids? ect. Hey, I have every bit of faith that you can bring things back to good! If anyone has the drive it's you!
Author lost4ever Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 It is hard to focus on the problems within our M when I messed up so bad that right now we can both just focus on me....So many things go through my head daily, so many things I am not sure about....I feel (sometimes) like I am treated like an addict, it feels like he sees me as "broken" and that he has to "fix" me...(if that makes sense)...It makes me angry, I am not addicted to other men...I messed up with ONE man, I'm not broken and incapable of having a commited relationship (though most on this site would beg to differ , I know me and I know I will not ever cheat again) all I can do is try, I have no idea how to fix this relationship and find away for both of us to be happy, but at the end at least I will be able to say I put all I had into trying.... I do not see how my Husband could get past this, I didn't think he would ever be the type to give me another chance, but he did, and I am going to take it...then again I think 2-3 more years of us living like this (will suck) a year and a half I was in a relationship with OM, and for six months before that we were seperated...what the hell are we fighting so hard to get back? The only time we were happy was before we married and the first year after that...
JustBreathe Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 So.. as I understand it... you were separated for 6 months and during that time you met another man and had a relationship with him which lasted a full year after you had supposedly reconciled with your husband. Why did you reconcile? Why didn't you just stay out of his life if you had met someone else and wanted to continue the relationship with this other man? You say only the first year was good out of your five year marriage, correct? Then why did you go back with your husband? Can you see how he is so hurt? You misled him into thinking you wanted your marriage as badly as he did. This is not a criticism. Only an effort to clarify what you've posted here.
JamesM Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I agree with reboot. It will take two to three years at minimum. I have an email friend whose husband cheated on her over two years ago. He does everything he can to reassure her that he loves her, but she still has periods of doubt. You have to remember that he thought you were faithful and completely trustworthy while at the same time, you were cheating. This is one of the most hurtful things about an affair. It goes on while the partner is completely oblivious and trusting. And usually the cheating partner is saying that nothing is going on. So, for him to suddenly believe that you are being completely trustworthy will take a lot of time.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 It is hard to focus on the problems within our M when I messed up so bad that right now we can both just focus on me....So many things go through my head daily, so many things I am not sure about....I feel (sometimes) like I am treated like an addict, it feels like he sees me as "broken" and that he has to "fix" me...(if that makes sense)...It makes me angry, I am not addicted to other men...I messed up with ONE man, I'm not broken and incapable of having a commited relationship (though most on this site would beg to differ , I know me and I know I will not ever cheat again) Well, if he doesnt make an effort to change... and you dont make the effort to tell him that he needs to... then your chasing your tail! The affair is just going to increase his controlling behavior, and to a degree you will have to work your rear off to prove trustworthy! But you need to set boundaries, and he needs to understand that it has to improve! You also need to get on the same life page! Do your life goals align at the moment or are those also out of whack?
Bryanp Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I guess I am confused also with what the other poster had posted. You were in a sexual affair for 6 months while you were separated from your husband. You then reconciled with your husband but then continued being in this sexual affair with the OM for another year? I do not see how or why your husband would believe in you now. Why did you reconcile if your continued the affair for a year during this time you were in so-called recovery. It seems awfully cruel and heatless to your husband to continue the affair during recovery. You made your huband look like a total fool. I don't mean to be harsh but what were you thinking and how do you think you would be acting if the roles had been reversed? It seems absolutely crazy and heartless to your husband.
Author lost4ever Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 again....I had an affair. Yes it was crazy, heartless, and of an unloving nature....it's an affair, I know of none that are not all of the above. I have no idea why my husband wants me back, I have no idea why he thinks he will be able to get over this and trust me again, but he does. I know my actions were wrong, I know he shouldn't forgive me and should divorce me, but he doesn't want to....I am here because I made a promise to him, that I would try my hardest to work on this marriage...I need assistance on how I get him to trust me again, to show him that I will not hurt him in this way. I need to know what I can do. Cobra: No we are not on the same path with life goals. Yes I know I need to set boundries, I just don't know when to do it. When I agreed to move back in, I explained that I could not deal with him controlling me before the affair, and that I can't see how either of us will be happy it will always be a struggle for control over my life....I don't know what to do. Do I remind him daily that he is trying to control me??(that doesn't seem right since I cheated on him, he kind of has the right to be attached to my hip) Do I just ignore it and hope it goes away after awhile, like when he trust me (this doesn't seem right, because it feels like I am not giving him the whole truth about how I feel)
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