I still love her

[mtoast]

My wife of 3 years (we dated for 11 years and lived together for 9 of those) told me last week she wants to move out after the holidays and needs space.

 

The Backstory

High school sweethearts, we've been dating since we were 16. We've worked together in the same small company for most of out existence, never really been a problem. About 6 months ago, I really let job stress get to me. I started drinking more than I liked, I started ignoring her, I started unloading my stress on her. She was also going through some tough job stress (our boss can be a little short sighted) and I basically made her feel that she was unimportant. I know this now, I did not at the time. She took her emotions and hid them, basically about 4 months ago she just decided to appear happy to me no matter what.

 

While she was doing this, she told me she wanted to "open" up our marriage and start swinging. I went along with it, it didn't do very much for me (that's another story), but she seemed to enjoy herself. She found someone online that she started talking to regularly and eventually took a weekend to go visit him. I knew about it from the start and was ok with, I thought as long as we were honest with each other that this would not be a big issue.

 

I cleared out a lot of stress in my job in the past month and realized that we had issues so I brought it up about 10 days ago. That's when she came clean about how she was really feeling. I felt blindsided because I was too stupid to realize what I was doing to her.

 

So, I moved into the second bedroom and tried to give her as much space as I could. For about 4 days, I couldn't even look at her without feeling hurt and pain about what I had been doing to her. We talked last night and I basically told her that I couldn't bear to let whatever we had left become nothing, so at least we started talking like normal people.

 

She's still actively talking to the guy she met, obviously more than she talks to me and more intimately. Supposedly he might be taking a job transfer and moving closer. I know what she feels in him, he gave a weekend of being treated like a queen while I have given her nothing but heartache and headache. It hurts that she's feeling so strong for someone other than me so soon.

 

I still love her, more than I have in a long time. I feel like my eyes have been opened to what a prick I've been and I want nothing but to make her feel better. I'm really not sure where I go from here, I never thought for a second that I would be in this situation. I'm still madly in love with her and she's basically numb towards me.

 

Thanks for the ears, there's more but that's all I can type right now.

[AHIWON]

1) Stop drinking!

2) Stop the "swinging" lifestyle. What were you thinking?

3) Make it clear to your wife that this OM has to go if you have any chance to save your relationship. Sounds like there may be an emotional bond there.

 

 

This would be tough to save for me. I can work on just about anything but infidelity or even just imagining my SO with some other man would be intolerable by me. You might be fine with it. It's different for everyone.

 

Sit down and talk, you two need to share your thoughts and see where it goes. Think it out well, don't let emotions take over. Calm and slow is your best bet.

 

Welcome to LS too! This place is great. Welcome aboard!

[mtoast]

AHIWON:

 

1) Stopped, I didn't really want to be drinking as much as I was.

2) Wasn't, my point.

3) I have, she wants to be done with me for the moment. She seems to want to feel courted by someone again and feels that at the moment this guy has more in common with her than I do. I'd call bs, but I really don't want to argue with her.

 

Thanks for the welcome, and the positive outlook. We have nothing but mutual friends and most of them knew before I did and have given me nothing but a grim outlook. I really want to save it, but think it's lost.

[AHIWON]

#3 is going to be a problem and you have no chance in hell of fixing anything till she breaks the relationship with the OM. "Fog talk" as Gunny calls it (or was it Lady Jane) is all you will get. She will play you and stay in that relationship as long as she wants. So what you have to do is put your foot down and get her out of your life if there is any chance you will ever get her back. Kick her out now. That will interrupt her plans. She may not like it and kick up a fuss but damn it she will respect you. Don't let her call the shots, you call the shots. Maybe she will smarten up and maybe she won't. Either way take care of yourself. If she sees you being the best you can be and leading a happy life with or without her, she might come to her senses. Find some new hobbies, some new friends and watch the booze. Good luck, many of us have been there before.

[mtoast]

Thanks for the harsh reality check, 2 long conversations later and she's still dismissing this guy as nothing. Even after the 200 text messages last month. Fog talk indeed.

[Gunny376]

You are very much have been demonstrating "Beta-Male" behavior.

 

She wanted to "swing" ~ OK!

She wanted "space" ~ Ok!

You couldn't deal with the stress from work and started drinking heavily.

You moved out of the main bedroom.

You're letting your wife carry on a long distance relationship with another man.

 

10,000 year ago? The guy that got all the women was the strongest, to include all the other guy's women? Was the guy that was the Alpha Male. He was the strongest, meanest, and badest. He didn't ask ~ he took!

 

And? The least strongest, meanest, and badest of the tribe let him because they didn't want him kicking their azz all about the place ~ and still taking their women?

 

We can sit around all day and debate the situation? But that still applies today. On some level ~ one shape, form or fashion.

 

The fact of the matter is? Its a man's nature to "sow his seed" but we seldom talk about in modern society that its a woman's nature to gather it?

 

And, it comes down to a simple mathematical equation that derives a value? The S&P Value. "Survival and Proliferation"

 

Its our nature as human beings to naturally seek both survival and proliferation ~ to pass on our genes.

 

You've lowered your "S&L" value and you've given her the opportunity to go out and find another man whom in her eyes has a higher "S&L" value.

 

Do you think that she wants her son's or daughter's "S&L" value through passing on her gene's to be that of a Beta Male?

 

Now that's on one very basic level ~ and in modern day society it gets more complicated than that. That's because of the "Four P's" ~ "Parents, preachers, professors, (to include any and all "teacher-types" from pre-school on up) and politicians that attempt to manipulate us into thinking and believing one way or the other and telling us how we're suppose to live our lives?

 

You're going to have to man-up here. And she's not going to like it one damn bit? You've got to get back to being the leader, being the man in charge ~ and that doesn't mean being an azzhat! It simply means getting off the booze, re-claiming you and your life.

 

You've got to get rid of all the crap that the "Four P's" put in your head. You've got to take what they've taught you and discet it. Use the parts that work for you, and get rid of the rest.