carolinaboy Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I have been thinking LS readers and I want some input.... It's been 5 mos. since my ex dumped me. We were together for 2 1/2 years and for the first half I was really into her but really insecure, she was my first "in my 20's" relationship and she was always travelling and had a death in the family (her brother) and I knew I wasnt a big priority but I wanted to be in some aspect. She tried to dump me a couple of times and kept coming back...I should've just let it go then. What happened after was staying together for comfort(?), her moving to NY for 4 mos., me becoming a drunk, her moving back in (w/ her sis and mom), me being drunk and depressed most of the time and then her breaking up with me and getting serious with our subletting roommate. I've told this story before on here many times but it's just that I never included my faults, the insecurity and the alcoholism. I care about her very much and did/do love her, it's just too tangled up now to think of reconcilliation romantically, which I dont think will ever happen anyway. We have a lot of the same friends and I've been seeing them days before she does and vice versa. I know whats up with her and Im sure she knows whats up with me. She called more than a few times after the break to be friends, but I told her I didnt want to be cos she was content and had someone new and I was trying to figure out my bs and didnt have anyone for support. After the last time I think she decided if we were gonna be friends I'd have to do the talking. I am on the fence. I know I didnt deserve to be treated the way she treated me, I know I may have missed many of the subtle and delicate details of how relationships work by not having enough backbone and being a depressed drunk. I just recently kicked drinking and am wondering how this may have affected her to see me drunk all the time back then. One time while I was drunk I almost cheated on her, but didnt. I felt horrible about it, even though nothing happened. I knew she was going to get with our roommate already, they had started doing laundry together and I'd walk in on them having little cutesy conversations. It drove me insane! She seems content with the new guy, who is an alcoholic to the max, so part of me wonders if that is even the issue. Maybe we were just incompatible. I guess I'm in the woulda, shoulda, coulda mode. Trying to make peace with it. Kickin booze is tough, but my body was over it. Thanks for all the support your replies have supplied me with.
carrotgirl Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 carolinaboy, Happy Thanksgiving day! You deserve a lot of credit for confronting this deep truth about yourself. Not to mention tackling an alcohol problem. This is the stuff of heroes. Are you going to AA? How are you handling the holidays? Carrot
Author carolinaboy Posted November 24, 2007 Author Posted November 24, 2007 CG, Thanks for the sentiments. Holidays are tough. Had some car trouble so I couldnt make it home, had Thanksgiving w/ some friends. I'm not going to AA, I hear they bring in a lot of religion and things that I am fine with, just not for me. I'd rather see a therapist or something. I'm learning to have self control and will power, just taking it easy. I've been damaged and I did some damage too. Trying to put it all back together. Happy Holidays, Hope all is well.
deadmansfloat Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 carolinaboy - i think recognizing your own faults is one of the most affirmative, positive, valuable things that come out of being a dumpee... so often on this board people say things like "your dumper is the one with the problem; not you," "you can't control what they think or feel" etc. this is sometimes true, of course, but not ALWAYS how many times do we (dumpees) confront the role WE played in being dumped? true, sometimes we get dumped out of the blue - as a result of our EX's change of heart, life situation or a whim. but, there are often times when there were things that we couldve done better - shown them more appreciation, patience, affection, empathy or whatever. that was my problem in any event. so many people are blind to their own faults and transfer all the blame onto the EX - this is silly because after a breakup, the EX is, in a sense, a non-issue; you are the only one that should matter. once some one leaves us it's game over. but i think reflecting on what got you to the point of breaking up is absolutely crucial. it will make your next relationship better... don't be in woulda shoulda coulda mode for her - but take your mistakes to heart and mind for the next one. i wish for nothing more than to be with my EX now but thats a wish that aint coming true! so what i can do is archive all of the things i did wrong, so as to not repeat the mistakes (and this is not to say that the EX is perfect and gets off scott free; only that the EX no longer exists so why not focus of you?) once you recognize your own faults you can transform into a better person and, consequently, be a better lover for a better, future partner. it's inspiring to see you look in the mirror!
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