Ready to tell my story

[JMC]

Here's my story....

 

I've been in a primary relationship for several years that has gradually deteriorated in intimacy from the start. I numbed myself to deal with it, but eventually snapped because of the severe loneliness.

 

I looked for another person in a similar situation (neglected/attached) for some companionship. I found my MM. He's been married for 10 years with 4 kids (2 hers, 1 his, 1 together). He said their marriage had been going downhill for last few years and he'd recently snapped too, from the loneliness. He told me he'd been planning to leave her even if he hadn't met anyone, that he didn't love her, wasn't attracted to her anymore, they'd grown apart, she was selfish, manipulative, and would only have sex when she felt like it.

 

He also said that he was stuck financially because they owed more on their house than it was worth, couldn't sell it now because of the horrendous market here (totally true), and hoped to get out of it and be with me when the market picked up next spring. After a short while, that became our plan; that we'd be together next spring.

 

We clicked right away. He told me he loved me after 1-1/2 weeks. Within a short time, he said he never knew someone like me was out there, was falling hard for me, wished he'd met me 20 years ago, wanted to grow old with me, etc.

 

I fell hard for him too. We were extremely sexually compatible. We spent tons of time together. I seemed to be his first priority.

 

Then after a month he seemed to retreat; things weren't exactly the same, kinda subtly. It hurt me badly but I didn't know what was going on because he didn't say why, so we just kept going but not at the same pace. The love and passion were still there, but not the crazy fantasy proclamations and same amounts of time. We had a couple of quarrels when I'd sense him inexplicably pulling away and was confused by it (especially after that first month) and he'd insist he wasn't. He'd always return to his normal loving self.

 

Also, after a month of us together, he said he told his wife he didn't love her and wanted a divorce. I was all happy thinking things'd progress. Then he said they talked and agreed to get the kids thru Christmas, and then they'd resume the "talk" in January. I was disappointed but managed to suppress it because it was completely different from how he'd presented things to me so far, and I was already so in love with him I couldn't go backwards, even though after awhile it sure seemed he was able to - which I canNOT understand.

 

I noticed that his happy talks of us being together in the spring seemed less frequent and optimistic. He would sometimes instead say that it'd be next summer, when the kids were out of school. Also, when I would ask him why he couldn't just leave now, he'd emphasize repeatedly that he had to be very careful with how he handled leaving her, because he was so afraid that if she found out about us that she'd become so angry she'd ruin him financially. I said but why would she do that because it'd ruin her too? He said she'd get so emotional she wouldn't care. He said that's how she was. Quiet but if pushed and stressed, would just go off like a bomb or something. A part of me tried to believe him, but would wonder why it mattered. If he wanted to be with me so bad, why did he care about all this? And I wondered how another person could have so much power financially over another. Does anyone think that has merit?

 

6 weeks later, they had another "talk" about things, and the result is that she tells him she's afraid she might have intestinal cancer, and that she'd suspected it for 4 months but hadn't told him. The minute he told me that all I smelled was a big ole pile of BS - but I was still too in love with him to dare wonder if he was lying or if she was. I was so incensed. I told him it just sounded like BS - how could she risk her life, and risk her kids losing her, by ignoring cancer for 4 months?!!!! I told him I thought she was manipulating him into staying with her, just as she'd recently disclosed other things about herself he'd never known.

 

He simply said that she'd always been non-communicative, a procrastinator, and that he didn't know why, and he'd decided to not worry about it til the tests came back - in a MONTH. Again, I smelled BS from someone. I told him, if she the Dr's are afraid it's cancer, why are they waiting to find out a month from now?! She's already lost 4 months to treat it!! Argh. Again he said he wasn't going to worry about it because there was nothing he could do for now. He didn't sound concerned. I thought it meant he didn't love her.

 

So we happily went on seeing each other. Our time together steadily decreases because he was sick, or working a lot, the kids were sick, the wife's in a "mood" and needs him to go to the store with her, etc.; our quality time was still good.

 

Which brings us to last week. He's working tons, I hardly see him, then we have a couple hours Saturday. For some reason he seemed to focus just on being physically intimate, which wasn't "like" him. I chalked it up to him going thru one of his natural "retreat" cycles because of working so much and being so tired. He told me that the wife was in a "mood" recently and he suspected she suspected he'd met someone. And that she was all mad and seemed about to just explode for any reason. For the millionth time, I wondered to myself: why was he still with someone he couldn't stand, who he constantly had to tiptoe around? I didn't understand it.

 

We fought later because I'd felt used sexually that day, and he was mad that I thought that. And that was it; Monday morning he told me it was too much pressure juggling kids, wife, and me, and he couldn't do it because now the kids were acting out and he thought it was from the time with me. That they're his life (which I respect and admire) and they needed him. That he still loved and cared for me and we could still be "friends" and could still talk sometimes.

 

That was it. A complete change and switch. I'm here in the pain of abandonment, wondering what happened. How he could just change that fast from loving me so much, to nothing.

 

SO, can anyone relate to this, and does anyone have insights?!!!

[whichwayisup]

You assume she is lying and manipulating him - Ofcourse, he is telling you this, but honestly, do you really believe she would hide cancer for 4 months? It's possible that she knew 'something' wasn't right, was in denial and then went to get checked out - But, even if she did know and hung on to that information, she has her reasons, right or wrong, it doesn't matter now as he's chosen to stay at home, be a father and stay her husband.

 

Be glad that it's over, you need to find a man (when you're ready) that can offer you everything and not just stolen moments.

 

Do you believe every single thing he's told you about his marriage, his wife and what goes on between them? Remember, he's a liar, betraying those whom he claims to love, so don't fool yourself into thinking he hasn't lied to you as well -Or, at best, exaggerated the truth to suit him.

[JMC]

I know it might be hard to believe or understand such naiivete on my part, but I really did believe him....I'm only now starting to "see" the reality of it all.

 

When you're in the middle of it, you just get kinda out of it judgment-wise especially when you've been lonely and had no sex for years, and some guy comes along and seems to worship you.

 

I thank you both for your viewpoints.

[OpenBook]

JMC I am so sorry to hear you had to go thru what many of us here have also experienced. It is crushing, devastating, and it takes a good long while to get past it. I remember when I first entered my own A with a MM, and was so ecstatically happy, there was still a calm little voice somewhere deep in my stomach that kept telling me, "No, not even him." I think on some level I knew he wasn't the right person for me, even in that messed-up situation. I have always wondered what would have happened if I had listened to that inner voice??... Oh well. I was an idiot and got my heart broken anyway. Live and learn!!

 

When my A was over (he ended it much like yours did, "I'd like to be friends"), it was one of the lowest points of my life... ranks right up there with my divorce, and the death of my grandfather when I was 14. Over a man who was SO NOT WORTH IT!! Ok, maybe he was worth a couple days of sniffling and feeling sorry for myself. But not 2 years... which is how long it took for me to recover from it. I hope it doesn't take you NEARLY that long. Because there's no time to waste, my friend - you've got a lot of living to do!!

 

And what's this about the market picking back up next spring??? Do you know something I don't? Dear God, I hope you're right. The market's bad EVERYWHERE right now.

 

He also said that he was stuck financially because they owed more on their house than it was worth, couldn't sell it now because of the horrendous market here (totally true), and hoped to get out of it and be with me when the market picked up next spring.

[PLAYBRAT]

Hi JMC...sorry you went through this....

 

The reason you got angry when he kept feeding those lines is because your gut was letting you KNOW he was LYING to you!!! So many people ignore it when their B.S. alarm goes off....I have learned to LISTEN to my GUT.Not my heart. First my gut..then my head.

 

This guy sounds like a very typical cheater. Always an excuse why he can't leave..but yet he's miserable. I have learned if they are that miserable and they stay then they deserve to be miserable!!

[GreenEyedLady]

That he still loved and cared for me and we could still be "friends" and could still talk sometimes.

 

Can anyone relate to this, and does anyone have insights?!!!

 

 

I cannot relate to this at all, and you should not stay in this R...The part I bolded is extremely selfish and you need to not talk to him, text him or email him at all...

 

This is about him and not about you...You need to be in a R where there is give and take and not for only a month...

 

I know it's hard...but really, no contact is the best way in this situation...It'll preserve your sanity and keep his emotional needs for you from being met...

 

(((HUGS)))

[norajane]

And what's this about the market picking back up next spring??? Do you know something I don't? Dear God, I hope you're right. The market's bad EVERYWHERE right now.

 

That's the first thing that should have tipped her off that he was lying to her and manipulating her so he could get the attention he wanted from her. There isn't anyone - except for some desperately hopeful real estate agents - who believes the market will pick up next spring.

 

I'm sorry, JMC, but he didn't go from loving you so much to nothing in 3 months. He hadn't developed any love for you, although he may have loved the extra attention he got from you. Not that it matters - he supposedly loved his wife when he married her, and that didn't stop him from lying to her and manipulating her and cheating on her - so his love isn't something worth having.

[PLAYBRAT]

Norajane said it perfectly....

[JMC]

Thanks all you guys....I still can't believe it's even happening. He was my whole world. I feel now like I'm watching some movie where this is happening. It also feels like he died or something.

 

Of course I'm furious too. I've always been very open, giving, needing love, naiive, etc. And I was very vulnerable when I met him, from the loneliness I'd been thru for years. But still, why does this just go on and on? Why did it all seem so real? I had no red flags that I was conscious of. I believed he loved me, because I sure loved him too.

 

I just don't know how these behaviors exist in a vacuum. Why are they so easily able to sail into someone like me's life, have so much fun, then just so easily disappear? And there appears to be absolutely NO consequences for him. Not equal to the pain I'm going through now.

 

A follow-up to my current domestic situation, the one I've been with for 5 years, is that 3 weeks ago we finally talked honestly and admitted that we are never going to be anything than friends. He is a wonderful person, and wonderful friend. We've really been only friends for years, but wouldn't acknowledge it. He's got his own issues to work out. And I've never seen him happier than after we "broke up".

 

We're still living together as roommates, and will for awhile. He doesn't know about MM. We're not married, no kids, never had plans to be married. We were in love at first but he went thru many changes and I guess just couldn't sustain intimacy.

[Mr. Lucky]

That's the first thing that should have tipped her off that he was lying to her and manipulating her so he could get the attention he wanted from her. There isn't anyone - except for some desperately hopeful real estate agents - who believes the market will pick up next spring.

That's also the first time I've seen appraised real estate value and equity-to-debt ratio as the primary factors in a romantic relationship. Nothing quite like the fog of the affair...

 

Mr. Lucky

[luvmy2ns]

To the contrary, BNB.

 

Seeing people like me in pain makes you salivate.

 

Does it make you feel better about what happened to you, to dump on me? Does it take away from your own personal pain? Did you get just a little shivery excitement from giving me a lecture?

 

You don't even know me. How dare you project your rage and stress onto me.

 

I don't understand you. I saw no range and/or stress being projected onto you. On the contrary, what I read was all about how your MM was a self-serving asswipe and you should leave him in the gutter where he belongs.

 

I love your avie, BTW. Too cute!

[frannie]

JMC, it's sad to read your story, but good to know that you see everything so clearly now.

 

Also, reading through your first post, I was wondering about your 'primary relationship'... and though it's sad also to see that becoming 'just friends', at least there is honesty there.

 

No real advice, and you have plenty enough insight yourself

[daisydufas22]

Sorry you got hurt and are so lonley. Being lonley is horrible.

 

However, he was married and cheating.......what type of a man does this? He, in my opinion, has no character.

 

Honey, I know you are lonely and believe me I would never wish that on anyone at all! I guess what I am trying to ask is...... can you think of other strategies that you could employ to prevent those lonley feelings rather than getting involved with married men?

[frannie]

However, he was married and cheating.......what type of a man does this? He, in my opinion, has no character.

 

If you read the OP, you will see that both he and JMC were in unfulfilling relationships and sought solace outside. There are in fact lots of OW who are either married or in LTR themselves... asking them to view their AP as 'having no character' (because cheating) is an odd approach.

 

Not that it's not a common one...

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

He said their marriage had been going downhill for last few years and he'd recently snapped too, from the loneliness. He told me he'd been planning to leave her even if he hadn't met anyone, that he didn't love her, wasn't attracted to her anymore, they'd grown apart, she was selfish, manipulative, and would only have sex when she felt like it.

Lie #1.

 

After a short while, that became our plan; that we'd be together next spring.

Lie #2.

 

Also, after a month of us together, he said he told his wife he didn't love her and wanted a divorce.

Lie #3.

 

Then he said they talked and agreed to get the kids thru Christmas, and then they'd resume the "talk" in January.

Lie #4.

 

I noticed that his happy talks of us being together in the spring seemed less frequent and optimistic.

Gosh, what a shock.

 

He would sometimes instead say that it'd be next summer, when the kids were out of school.

Lie #5.

 

 

...because he was so afraid that if she found out about us that she'd become so angry she'd ruin him financially. I said but why would she do that because it'd ruin her too? He said she'd get so emotional she wouldn't care.

Lie #6.

 

6 weeks later, they had another "talk" about things, and the result is that she tells him she's afraid she might have intestinal cancer, and that she'd suspected it for 4 months but hadn't told him.

Lie #7 - but not from HER. She has no idea about some upcoming 'separation' he keeps telling YOU about. This is HIS lie and his ALONE.

 

Again, I smelled BS from someone. I told him, if she the Dr's are afraid it's cancer, why are they waiting to find out a month from now?!

LOL - ya think??? Boy this guy is such a piece of GARBAGE lying about his own wife having cancer.

 

For the millionth time, I wondered to myself: why was he still with someone he couldn't stand, who he constantly had to tiptoe around?

Maybe because the LYING SACK OF SH*T is LYING doesn't dislike her as much as he CLAIMS?

 

...the kids were acting out and he thought it was from the time with me. That they're his life (which I respect and admire) and they needed him.

Yeah, give this loser a Father of the Year citation. Sneaking, lying, manipulating, disrespecting their mother, and LYING about their own mother's HEALTH by claiming she has cancer. This pig wouldn't KNOW what it's like to be a responsible parent. He's utterly repulsive.

 

That he still loved and cared for me and we could still be "friends" and could still talk sometimes.

Oh I get it. The thrill of conquering 'strange' wore off. Check.

 

That was it. A complete change and switch. I'm here in the pain of abandonment, wondering what happened. How he could just change that fast from loving me so much, to nothing.

Because it was never ABOUT love. It was about having the thrill of something strange on the side and constantly LYING to you about a future just to keep you at his beck and call. Eventually the thrill wore off and you were more effort than the pay-off. It's classic.

[daisydufas22]

FIRSTLY, I do view a guy who cheats as having no character.

 

SECONDLY, I am aware that being lonley is horrible and when a person has those feelings he/she is more likely to jump into a r/ship to decrease those feelings. Did I say...if you play with fire them you will more than likely get burnt?

 

THIRDLY, people can be married and be lonely.....that's why I made that comment!!!!!!

 

AND LASTLY, I am sure if he was so miserable in his relationship...... he could have spoken to a counsellor rather than had an affair! There are a million other things that can be done before cheating.....how uncommon is that here?

[GreenEyedLady]

AND LASTLY, I am sure if he was so miserable in his relationship...... he could have spoken to a counsellor rather than had an affair! There are a million other things that can be done before cheating.....how uncommon is that here?

 

How many men do you know will willingly go to a counselor of their own accord?

 

Not very many...

[nadiaj2727]

How many men do you know will willingly go to a counselor of their own accord?

 

Not very many...

 

I would say that a much smaller percentage of men go to counseling to deal with their problems than have an affair with another woman to avoid dealing with their problems. But I don't think that was Daisy's point... I think her point was that going to counseling is a healthy way to deal with problems (no matter how many men actually do it), while having an affair to avoid dealing with their problems is NOT a healthy way to deal with them (no matter how many men actually do it). Going to counseling will hopefully help them deal with their problems. Having an affair will most likely only perpetuate and exacerbate their problems. I do know 3 men, including 2 of my ex-boyfriends, one of whom was xMM [the 3rd is my father] who have gone to counseling willingly). But I don't see what the 3 men I know who have willingly gone to counseling has to do with Daisy's post about many better ways to deal with unhappy marriages than cheating? Maybe I'm missing something.

[frannie]

FIRSTLY, I do view a guy who cheats as having no character.

 

What about women who cheat?

[frannie]

I would say that a much smaller percentage of men go to counseling to deal with their problems than have an affair with another woman to avoid dealing with their problems. But I don't think that was Daisy's point... I think her point was that going to counseling is a healthy way to deal with problems (no matter how many men actually do it), while having an affair to avoid dealing with their problems is NOT a healthy way to deal with them (no matter how many men actually do it). Going to counseling will hopefully help them deal with their problems. Having an affair will most likely only perpetuate and exacerbate their problems.

 

Most men won't even admit they have 'a problem'... that's even if they know it themselves. Much less 'seek help' to try to put it right. That goes for medically, right up to being lost on the road and not asking for directions

[GreenEyedLady]

I would say that a much smaller percentage of men go to counseling to deal with their problems than have an affair with another woman to avoid dealing with their problems. But I don't think that was Daisy's point... I think her point was that going to counseling is a healthy way to deal with problems (no matter how many men actually do it), while having an affair to avoid dealing with their problems is NOT a healthy way to deal with them (no matter how many men actually do it). Going to counseling will hopefully help them deal with their problems. Having an affair will most likely only perpetuate and exacerbate their problems. I do know 3 men, including 2 of my ex-boyfriends, one of whom was xMM [the 3rd is my father] who have gone to counseling willingly). But I don't see what the 3 men I know who have willingly gone to counseling has to do with Daisy's post about many better ways to deal with unhappy marriages than cheating? Maybe I'm missing something.

 

 

Basically what you are missing is that most men don't think, "Geez, I better go to counseling." For any reason...It doesn't matter that it might help them. They just don't do it unless they're forced to...In most cases...

[nadiaj2727]

Basically what you are missing is that most men don't think, "Geez, I better go to counseling." For any reason...It doesn't matter that it might help them. They just don't do it unless they're forced to...In most cases...

But that wasn't her point, her point was that they should go to counseling or do anything besides cheat on their wife. That's all I was saying.

[JMC]

I Calls Em, I can't help but chuckle at how you outlined the lies he told...the way you wrote that is funny....I'm laughing thru my sadness. Loved your blunt synopsis.

 

And Frannie, thanks for your post about understanding where I'm coming from. Because I didn't just wake up one morning and say to meself "HMMMM....I ain't so happy.....I thinks I'll go and solve my problems by hunting me some married men hehehehehhhh.....yeppers that's me, Married Men Hunter yuk yuk yuk yuk!!"