SadShamrock Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I posted my original story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t134675/ Anyway, I have had no contact with the ex for about two weeks. The last time I spoke to him I freaked out- I engaged in all those stereotypical behaviors that one is supposed to avoid in order to maintain her dignity. Since then, I have found out some bad stuff about the ex since we parted ways, such as he drinks all the time and smokes pot daily, and has dated a 17 year old (he is 34). Nice. Anyway, I can't stop thinking that I'm at fault for some of these things. Deep down inside I know that I'm not, and I know these issues have always been there and we fought about them. However, during our break up and since our break up- he has blamed me for so many bad things in his life and I felt horrible. How do you just let go? No contact has been helpful, but I feel this need to apologize to him for freaking out and to pretend like I'm all better now and over him. He made fun of me to mutual friends after my little freak out with him. I feel like he is getting a kick out of our break up, and we were together 3.5 years. Any help would be appreciative. I think I just need some reassurance.
Sw3etdev1L Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I just felt so projected with your story...I feel you can't get over him because he did hurt you and it is totally normal . Because, you confided in him, you had a perspective of him which changed immediately after breaking up with him and you just cannot believe it. I believe you are still shocked about what happened to you because obviously you take yourself as a good person and have a good self esteem. But seriously...You will get over him, and even thoug it is hard right now. Some day you will say " you know what?? " "we broke up because he didn't deserve me and he is looking out for people more at his humanity level", maybe you are too much for him..really, and someday you will find someone better. Have you ever listen to that old rhymee..birds of the same feather fly together?? How can a good person go out and be happy with a bad person?? ....You are not gonna make him change. You are gonna get someone who's more like you..and that's gonna be your match. how can a healthy person go out with a drug addict and an alcoholic?? how can an honest person go out with a liar?? how can a person who wants a serious relationships go out with a prson who only wants to have fun and forget all about committment...it is just not possible..besides two weeks is too short to get over someone..the normal thing is like,, starting to get over someone after two months, three months at the shortest. I mean you did last long with that person..and you are still accostumed to him, to hear his voice on the phone..but why should you be with someone who hurts you and you will probably and most likely make your life miserable??
Lee725 Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Anyway, I have had no contact with the ex for about two weeks. The last time I spoke to him I freaked out- I engaged in all those stereotypical behaviors that one is supposed to avoid in order to maintain her dignity. Mostly all of us are guilty of those little moments when the urge to expel all the emotions, anger, fear, pain etc overide the instinct to remain calm and collected. Two words: Normal and needed It is normal to express yourself (sometimes unfortunately it does happen in what is considered an "inappropriate" way) and feel a little silly in hindsight. It is needed sometimes. When we build up these emotions and dont let them out somewhere, it can cause you more harm than good! Anyway, I can't stop thinking that I'm at fault for some of these things. Deep down inside I know that I'm not, and I know these issues have always been there and we fought about them. However, during our break up and since our break up- he has blamed me for so many bad things in his life and I felt horrible. How do you just let go? Only you and him know the extent of the issues. If you tried to work it out when you were together and did not suceed, then how can you be held responsible now? In the relationship he would have made his own decisions and unless he is of a particularly weak character, how could you be responsible for the bad things in his life? Did you make all those bad things happen? Did you cause the situations where he has done/said things that he did not want to do? Did you put pressure on him to do things that are out of character for him? If you have answered no to the above questions...... how are you responsible? You have said that you know that you are not responsible. Now it is time to BELIEVE that you are not. No contact has been helpful, but I feel this need to apologize to him for freaking out and to pretend like I'm all better now and over him. He made fun of me to mutual friends after my little freak out with him. I feel like he is getting a kick out of our break up, and we were together 3.5 years. Any help would be appreciative. I think I just need some reassurance. Only you can decide whether you want to apologize to him or not. But please dont apologize for things that are not your fault. The fact that he has made fun of you to your friends shows that he does not have a lot of respect for your feelings so why should you respect his by apologizing.
Author SadShamrock Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 Hi, I appreciate both of your responses, and both of them made me feel better. Deep down inside I know these things, but unfortunately when I'm emotional like this all rationality goes out the door. The truth is that I am really hurt. I am truly hurt by how I was treated. We broke up 6 weeks ago, and I think up until a week ago- I (and he) was blaming everything on me, and I was believing it. So I felt guilty. The truth is that yeah of course, I made mistakes and I was not perfect. I probably was a nag sometimes, but I was a nag about things that I thought were unhealthy for him and us (the drinking, pot, etc). I don't think it is necessarily bad to stop someone who you care about from doing these things. I guess though...there comes a point though when you have to step back and say this is his life and he is a man making his own choices. I did call him to apologize for my behavior and the meltdown. We chatted briefly and then I just stated that I was calling to apologize. He responded for what- I said for our last phone conversation, about how I had lost my cool, and whatever. He accepted the apology. We chatted a bit more and then I just said I had to run, said good bye and wished him a happy thanksgiving. I feel better. I did what I wanted to do. I did it for myself. I know he is not the right person for me. Everyone knows it. It is still hard to let go and say good bye though. Anyway, I'm babbling away. Thank you both very much.
mav100 Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Good person or bad, if you invested yourself in your ex, then it's going to be hard to get over them. I've allowed numerous exes to haunt me in the past. Some where I did mess up and the break up made sense (in retrospect of course) and others where I didn't feel I did anything wrong. I've also had other breakups that didn't bother me in the slightest. But it all came down to if I was invested in her. The bottom line is, your heart still feels the emotion, but your brain knows that it wasn't worth it. Healing only comes when the heart and the head end up on the same page.
Uhriventis Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I just got out of a relationship with "Mrs. Wrong" and am having a hard time getting over her. Only I wish for Mrs. Wrong to come back. :^/
FindingMyselfAgain Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I've allowed numerous exes to haunt me in the past. I allowed one to HUNT me in the past. We went to an isolated island. I gave her a rifle. The chase was on.
Author SadShamrock Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 Whelp, today is hard. I am not going to call him ever again. It's too hard. I know if I call that we will talk, but what's the point? I almost wish he never answered my calls. I know that he won't call me. The being friends thing after just wasn't working for me. I guess it was an ego boast for him. So, he is gone. I wish there was something in real life like that device in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
asilisa Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 Hi SadShamrock I know how you feel. It sucks to love someone who you know wasn't or isn't right for you. I was with my ex for 4 years and at times I can't believe he actually broke up with me and then at times I am grateful for it because it means I can work on me and meet someone who is better suited for me. Trust me I think of him a lot and miss him every day but if we were supposed to be together we would. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone;especially with the whole smoking thing my ex used to get mad at me because I'd get upset when he spent his LAST 5 dollars on weed. I was labeled unsupportive. I hope you feel better.
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