Star Gazer Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 My BF is getting out of the military soon (he's military police right now), and is seriously considering joining one of several private defense/security contractors working in the Middle East. He'd make a sh*t load of money, would be gone for 60 days and back for 45 days, and then repeat...for only a year. I've researched this extensively. Contractor deaths aren't readily reported. Over 1,000 private security contractors have been killed since 2003, 200 in 2007 alone. Approximately 20% of the number of deaths. We often don't hear about these deaths, but often these men and women are savagely killed...mutilated, body parts in the street kind of thing. I found an article where it said that the Pentagon is urging contracting companies not to speak to the media about the dangers in Iraq, claiming that it makes private individuals unwilling to take the substantial risk of joining these organizations. The thought of him going back overseas makes me sick to my stomach. He's considering all sorts of different things, from law enforcement to a regular civilian job. We've only been dating 2 months, but I'm DESPERATE for him not to take this job. He hasn't been offered a job, hasn't interviewed...only asked to submit his resume. I know he's tempted because of the money. In one year he'd make what he would make in 3-4 years. But what good is that money going to do him if he never comes home? They say the only thing harder than being a soldier is loving one, and now I know why. I should add that he's often said that he can't make any decision career-wise alone, because now he has someone else to think about. Many of his options would involve him moving anywhere from 50-200 miles away. So I feel like he's given me the green-light to discuss the pros and cons of any position with him (he talks about the other jobs often too), but I really want to almost put my foot down about this one.
Trialbyfire Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I would lay out all your concerns on the table but solely for gentle discussion. As for it being a hard boundary of "go or no go", career or job advantage is your partner's choice. I can only say that if someone were rigid in their expectations of me not pursuing advantage, I would be rigid back, in that I would do whatever I feel like doing. Career/job advanatage are hard boundaries for me.
oppath Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I have to agree with TBF. Bring it up in a general, gentle discussion, but leave out the "what about me?" Simply remind him "it is dangerous over there for a private employee." I'm curious, will it help him with his long term career, or will it only help him in the short term, good money for a couple years. I would support him not in what is best financially, but in what would be the most fulfilling for him for the next 30 years of his life. Good money right away is sometimes part of that, as you can invest right away too, but this is his choice alone. It sounds like he is conscious of you and how it may affect you. I would bring up how dangerous that job is, but I'd leave you and the relationship out of it. If it is not something that will be advantageous for his career when he was done working over seas, that is a point to bring up.
LoveLace Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Aw Star that sucks. Does he know about these stats you speak of? Does he say he's willing to take the risk for the money? At least he acknowledged you have a part in his life,it sounds like he's willing to hear your opinion, so hell give to him! I'd think anyone would beg a guy not to do it...I know I would! But seriously, that would be waaay too much worrying for me to handle...surely he'll understand where your coming from and not go...
Author Star Gazer Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 I have to agree with TBF. Bring it up in a general, gentle discussion, but leave out the "what about me?" Simply remind him "it is dangerous over there for a private employee." I'm curious, will it help him with his long term career, or will it only help him in the short term, good money for a couple years. I would support him not in what is best financially, but in what would be the most fulfilling for him for the next 30 years of his life. Good money right away is sometimes part of that, as you can invest right away too, but this is his choice alone. It sounds like he is conscious of you and how it may affect you. I would bring up how dangerous that job is, but I'd leave you and the relationship out of it. If it is not something that will be advantageous for his career when he was done working over seas, that is a point to bring up. I wasn't going to make it an "about me" issue other than "I don't know what I'd do if you died." We've talked about it before. I said if he we going to Australia for 60 days on/45 off, or Paris, or Tokyo, or whatever...great. We can handle the 60/45 thing by the time it happens. There's danger in private security for sure, but not like being in freaking Fallujah or Baghdad! That scares me. He knows this. What he doesn't know (I don't think) is just how truly dangerous it is for contractors. He's already said he wouldn't re-enlist because he'd get deployed right back over there (he's been before), so it seems he doesn't really know what he's getting himself into. I wanted to present the situation factually - i.e., "This is how many contractors have died this year, this is how they die..." As for advantages... it's basically all about $$$. Well, he'd make between $180-200K, in just one year. Once that year is over, he'd have to find something else...those same "something elses" that he's looking for now (i.e., local law enforcement, corrections, CHP, etc., all of which he'd have to attend their-specific training, he can't use the contractor thing as an "in"). So basically he'd be taking a year off of his career to go risk his life for money. But obviously good money that he could use to make a large investment. But again, what good does the money do if he doesn't come home?
tanbark813 Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 What he doesn't know (I don't think) is just how truly dangerous it is for contractors. You don't seem like you'd date someone who was too retarded to understand the risks involved. I'm sure he's well aware of the danger. Express your opinion, sure, but two months is far too short a time to "put your foot down" on anything.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 You don't seem like you'd date someone who was too retarded to understand the risks involved. I'm sure he's well aware of the danger. Express your opinion, sure, but two months is far too short a time to "put your foot down" on anything. Um, I'm actually dated a few retarded guys in my time. I wouldn't date a soldier who's about to be deployed to Iraq, I couldn't take it. The worry and nightmares would just destroy me. I'm not sure how this is any different, other than in this situation he actually has control over whether or not he goes.
oppath Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I think you should tell him it concerns you because it is very dangerous, and that really disturbs you, but that because it is such a good opportunity, he should submit his resume, and if and when the time comes for an interview and job offer, ask him that he include you in the discussion before making any decisions.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 I think you should tell him it concerns you because it is very dangerous, and that really disturbs you, but that because it is such a good opportunity, he should submit his resume, and if and when the time comes for an interview and job offer, ask him that he include you in the discussion before making any decisions. I think we've already had this discussion, except he volunteered that he would include me. I guess I just really don't want him to even submit his resume... I don't even want Iraq to be an option...
oppath Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I think he should create as many options as possible for HIM, but then make the decision about what is best for BOTH of you. I completely understand your concern. Is it really the danger of Iraq? Or are you equally concerned with him being gone for 2 months at a time, and back for 1.5? You say you'd be comfortable with him working elsewhere, but are you sure you aren't using the Iraq thing as an excuse to not deal with distance? I'm not accusing you, I am just asking you completely examine your motives. If I were in his shoes and the girl did not want me to go, that thought would cross my mind. I know you are sincere enough, smart enough, and compassionate enough to figure it out, I'm just curious.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 I think he should create as many options as possible for HIM, but then make the decision about what is best for BOTH of you. I agree. That's why I'm so troubled here. I want HIS options to be those that would still be best for US. I'm selfish in this regard, and I know it. Is it really the danger of Iraq? Or are you equally concerned with him being gone for 2 months at a time, and back for 1.5? You say you'd be comfortable with him working elsewhere, but are you sure you aren't using the Iraq thing as an excuse to not deal with distance? I'm not accusing you, I am just asking you completely examine your motives. If I were in his shoes and the girl did not want me to go, that thought would cross my mind. I know you are sincere enough, smart enough, and compassionate enough to figure it out, I'm just curious. I hear you. But I really don't think the distance is what's bothering me. Assuming he doesn't take this contractor job and goes with law enforcement here, because of financial issues, he will have to move home to Idaho for 1.5 months until the academy starts. My only concern with that is whether he'd come back from Idaho at all - he's assured me he will, and I believe that 100%. If he miraculously were to get assigned to Paris or London or Tokyo, yes, I could and would deal. Short bursts of distance, even for 2 months at a time, I can handle. I've had a few long distance relationships before, and this would be easier because we wouldn't have a few weekends here and there when we're together, we'd have an entire 6 weeks. Would I rather him go to the academy here than go abroad? Sure, I'd like him around more often. But when I think of Iraq...or Iran...or Afghanistan...or really anywhere in the Middle East, all I think of is death. Bombings. Torture. Mutilation. And coffins coming back with flags on them...except his wouldn't have a flag. I literally cannot bare the thought, it INSTANTLY brings tears to my eyes. I can have him gone for temporary periods of time, I just don't want to lose him forever as a result of a bomb or gunshot or worse.
tanbark813 Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I agree. That's why I'm so troubled here. I want HIS options to be those that would still be best for US. I'm selfish in this regard, and I know it. Would you honestly make a career decision around someone you've only known two months? I doubt many people would.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 Would you honestly make a career decision around someone you've only known two months? I doubt many people would. I don't see it as a "career" decision. It's one year stint that provides no professional benefit or career advancement.
oppath Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I've had a few long distance relationships before, and this would be easier because we wouldn't have a few weekends here and there when we're together, we'd have an entire 6 weeks. I understand that, I have a close female friend who dated a guy who'd be gone for 4 months at a time, then back for 4, for 4 years. She did not have a problem with it. They did eventually break up because of it, but got back together when he decided "enough is enough." The point is, those arrangements are easy, because it doesn't take as much work to schedule when he is around (and you can occassionally cancel or change plans, something you can't do with a LDR because it will hurt the other person too deeply). I'll repeat: tell him to pursue this opportunity to the point of an interview, but ask him that he include you in any decision about it so that you feel involved, that you have some control over your life. Your concern is valid. It is dangerous. I'd love to have a woman be so concerned about me as long as I felt I also had her support.
tanbark813 Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I don't see it as a "career" decision. What matters is if he does.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 What matters is if he does. I know, I know.
Starry-eyed Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Stargazer, what does your boyfriend say about the risks and dangers? Does he admit that it's a life-risking proposition and that he could be tortured and/or killed? Not to be morbid, but just realisically, how does he feel about the risks?
Author Star Gazer Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 Stargazer, what does your boyfriend say about the risks and dangers? Does he admit that it's a life-risking proposition and that he could be tortured and/or killed? Not to be morbid, but just realisically, how does he feel about the risks? He has flippantly said it's as dangerous as being a cop in any U.S. city, which it obviously is not. I read today that of the 55 officers killed last year in the line of duty, 50 were from gun shots. Another 67 were killed in either on- or off-duty car accidents. 117 is a lot different than over 1,000 in one year. I'm really not sure if he really knows the statistics on any of this. Then again, he's in law enforcement already, so I assume he does know.
Krytie TV Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I would hope you understand that two months is not enough of an investment for which to alter life decisions. If I was dating a girl for two months and had to choose to relocate for a job, as an example, I would listen to what she had to say, but couldn't possibly make a life decision based on just another two month relationship. I think you just need to let him do what he feels he needs to. It's his future he needs to think about, though he probably is interested in your opinion. But to expect anyone to make those decisions based on a 2 month relationship seems a bit rash.
Kamille Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 And suddenly my problem seems petty. That's a tough one Star, and if I were you, I would definitely share my concerns with him. While I agree with Krytie and Tanbark that a two month relationship is too short a time to base career decisions on, I think it's enough time to start communicating frankly about major decisions. You are a part of his life and he is a part of yours. You know and respect that it is his decision in the end, you will support him no matter what he chooses, but like Oppath said, that means that you can participate in the decision making process. Discussing your concerns might also help you better understand why he wants to go.
allina Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Have you talked to him about this any more SG? I don't have any good advice, I honestly would not know what do do in your situation
Author Star Gazer Posted November 22, 2007 Author Posted November 22, 2007 Have you talked to him about this any more SG? I don't have any good advice, I honestly would not know what do do in your situation No, we haven't spoken about this potential job since our first conversation about it. We've discussed others though. All I can really do at this point is hope. I don't think I have any other option.
johan Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 Is there any way you can get a life insurance policy on him? That could help you deal with this.
Storyrider Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 Realize also that if this relationship does go long term, you're setting the tone for how you relate on these issues in the months/years to come. Set a healthy tone by keeping in mind what you can control and what you can't. The term "put my foot down," concerns me, as you really don't have the leverage to do that in an adult-to-adult relationship. The balance of power will be healthier if you hold yourself back from acting like his mother (although I can completely understand the desire to have some control over this).
Author Star Gazer Posted November 22, 2007 Author Posted November 22, 2007 Is there any way you can get a life insurance policy on him? That could help you deal with this. Grr. Don't start. Realize also that if this relationship does go long term, you're setting the tone for how you relate on these issues in the months/years to come. Set a healthy tone by keeping in mind what you can control and what you can't. The term "put my foot down," concerns me, as you really don't have the leverage to do that in an adult-to-adult relationship. The balance of power will be healthier if you hold yourself back from acting like his mother (although I can completely understand the desire to have some control over this). I hear you. And I would never really "put my foot down." I would never really end this relationship over this (at least, I don't think I would), and I don't want to have that kind to leverage. I just really, really don't want him to go. I suppose keeping him alive is a selfish thing, but it's really how I feel.
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