This is what I know so far..

[k10k]

2 months down the line..

 

Acceptance and forgiving myself is a big part of moving on for me..

At the moment I'm living with regret, wishing that I had done things differently, not taken him for granted, listened properly to what was been said. Thinking to myself, if only I had done/said something different, if only I had treated him with more kindness, noticed when he was feeling down, given him that massage, why couldn't I just make him happy?!

All this regret is stopping me from moving on and I really need to forgive myself for these mistakes I made, accept what has happened, let go and move on.

 

I need to focus on me..

My mind still races almost every second of the day, thinking about him, thinking about how I can get him back, thinking about what he is feeling, does he miss me? is he relieved to be without me? does he merely see me as an irritation in his life? what were his true reasons for leaving me? did he really love me like he said he did? what made him change his mind about marrying me?... the questions go on and on and on.

But you know what? This is POINTLESS and I'm only hurting me myself even more.

I really need to think about me, that is the ONLY thing I can do. I need to re-define myself, who am I now that he is no longer in my life? what makes me happy now, what do I really want out of life? how can I re-connect to my spirit? I need to look around and notice all the beautiful things in life, I need to start fresh and new.

He was my foundation, my safety my security in this world. When he left it felt like my foundation came tumbling down. But now I realise that it is ME and ONLY ME that can rebuild my foundation.

 

I am in pain..

I need to face it, I need to feel it, soften it and let it go. I cannot deny these feelings that I am carrying around with me. They are my feelings, they are a part of me and they are there for a reason. If I do not face the pain, I will carry it around with me forever.

 

Contact or no contact..both are painful..

It hurts not to know how he is doing, it hurts to know how he is doing, that he seems fine without me. This is a real tough one - when I speak to him it sparks up the hope that I carry around with me. I feel relief, I feel normal again, I feel peaceful - but this is only a temporary relief, a temporary "normal", a temporary peace - after a couple of days, it sinks in and so begins another cycle of emotions.

 

I'm scared...

I'm scared I will never find what I had with him again - I'm scared I will be alone forever, I'm scared I will never wake up and feel joy again. I'm scared I will love again and get heart-broken again. I'm scared that I will make the same mistakes over again. I'm scared of the unknown. I don't quite know how to get rid of this fear for sure, but I do know that I need to trust in this world, trust in myself, trust in love. Trust that good things will come to me again one day..

 

I appreciate him...

Even though we are no longer together, and may never be again, he is a soulmate. We shared almost 5 yrs together, he taught me alot about love, about myself, and he came into my life to help me. This may be the end, but he will always be a part of me and I will always love him. I will never ever hate him.

I will appreciate what I have learnt from this situation, I will be grateful for the wisdom that I have gained.

 

I can't wait for the sun to shine again, I can't wait for joy to replace sadness. I'm starting to feel more at peace and I know happiness is coming. But for now, I have to go through this. I need to be brave, I need to be kind, I need to be open, I need to love me.

 

Thanks for reading

[MattyTee]

You made me cry!

 

In a good way though. It's like reading my own story!

 

Thank you for writing

[BrianG]

2 months down the line..

 

Acceptance and forgiving myself is a big part of moving on for me..

At the moment I'm living with regret, wishing that I had done things differently, not taken him for granted, listened properly to what was been said. Thinking to myself, if only I had done/said something different, if only I had treated him with more kindness, noticed when he was feeling down, given him that massage, why couldn't I just make him happy?!

All this regret is stopping me from moving on and I really need to forgive myself for these mistakes I made, accept what has happened, let go and move on.

 

I need to focus on me..

My mind still races almost every second of the day, thinking about him, thinking about how I can get him back, thinking about what he is feeling, does he miss me? is he relieved to be without me? does he merely see me as an irritation in his life? what were his true reasons for leaving me? did he really love me like he said he did? what made him change his mind about marrying me?... the questions go on and on and on.

But you know what? This is POINTLESS and I'm only hurting me myself even more.

I really need to think about me, that is the ONLY thing I can do. I need to re-define myself, who am I now that he is no longer in my life? what makes me happy now, what do I really want out of life? how can I re-connect to my spirit? I need to look around and notice all the beautiful things in life, I need to start fresh and new.

He was my foundation, my safety my security in this world. When he left it felt like my foundation came tumbling down. But now I realise that it is ME and ONLY ME that can rebuild my foundation.

 

I am in pain..

I need to face it, I need to feel it, soften it and let it go. I cannot deny these feelings that I am carrying around with me. They are my feelings, they are a part of me and they are there for a reason. If I do not face the pain, I will carry it around with me forever.

 

Contact or no contact..both are painful..

It hurts not to know how he is doing, it hurts to know how he is doing, that he seems fine without me. This is a real tough one - when I speak to him it sparks up the hope that I carry around with me. I feel relief, I feel normal again, I feel peaceful - but this is only a temporary relief, a temporary "normal", a temporary peace - after a couple of days, it sinks in and so begins another cycle of emotions.

 

I'm scared...

I'm scared I will never find what I had with him again - I'm scared I will be alone forever, I'm scared I will never wake up and feel joy again. I'm scared I will love again and get heart-broken again. I'm scared that I will make the same mistakes over again. I'm scared of the unknown. I don't quite know how to get rid of this fear for sure, but I do know that I need to trust in this world, trust in myself, trust in love. Trust that good things will come to me again one day..

 

I appreciate him...

Even though we are no longer together, and may never be again, he is a soulmate. We shared almost 5 yrs together, he taught me alot about love, about myself, and he came into my life to help me. This may be the end, but he will always be a part of me and I will always love him. I will never ever hate him.

I will appreciate what I have learnt from this situation, I will be grateful for the wisdom that I have gained.

 

I can't wait for the sun to shine again, I can't wait for joy to replace sadness. I'm starting to feel more at peace and I know happiness is coming. But for now, I have to go through this. I need to be brave, I need to be kind, I need to be open, I need to love me.

 

Thanks for reading

 

No, thank you for writing, because what you wrote mirrors my exact feelings and thoughts (5 years also together and only 1 month down the line and 2 weeks of no contact) I have been reading this book "Finding yourself and the love you want." It is trememdously helped me in acknowledging the fear that I have and help me in theory prevent me from making the same mistakes I made. It has taught me a lot so if you get a chance you should pick it up. I still feel the same as you, but it has helped me put some of the things in my life in perspective.

[your star]

yes, thank you k10k for this. what you wrote is everything that I am feeling and have felt these last couple months.

[k10k]

Thanks guys,

 

Matty, hehe, you've made me cry before too (from reading your blog). It's a tough journey, but we'll get there eventually.

 

Brian - thanks for the book recommendation, I'll look it up - sounds like it could definitely be helpful

 

Your star - thanks - it's comforting to know you understand and relate to what I'm going through.

 

Light and happiness to all of you

K

xx

[MattyTee]

It is a tough journey, but I'm sure we'll be all the stronger for it. My blog took a turn for the tearful more recently, so better not read it again I had a sort of goodbye comment from the ex on it. She's been reading and I never thought she would. Another bump in the road as they say.

[k10k]

Matty - I'm still following your journey and rooting for that happy ending! - and I just want you to know that reading your story helps me along the way (even if it does make me cry ). It makes me feel less alone, so thank you for sharing it!

 

Your ex obviously still thinks about you (otherwise she wouldn't be reading), and you can take comfort in knowing that she cares for you, even though she is moving on and saying goodbye.

 

I hope you have a good day today, and when you cry.. remember that you are brave and your heart is bigger than most..

[MattyTee]

Thank you k

 

I'm glad that we can share this, even if it is hard

 

I think I had, like a lot of people here, assumed that she just didn't care any more. In actual fact it's just as hard moving forwards knowing that she cares about me as it is thinking she has forgotten. In fact, perhaps even more difficult. I said goodbye already, I had moved forwards and then the 'real' her appears again, the woman I fell in love with and still love with all my heart - the beautiful, caring, soulful woman - the cruelty and coldness gone. I don't need to hear "I love you" back any more but walking away like this is so very, very tough

 

I think one word sums up my day ... ouch!

 

Thank you for the compliment, I'm sure my heart is the same as everyone elses and I don't feel very brave right now - snot dripping from my nose Time for a tissue...