stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 I can't understand why he hasn't thrown her ass right out the door. *shrug* **double shrug**
OpenBook Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 I can't understand why he hasn't thrown her ass right out the door. *shrug* Probably the same reason why you haven't thrown YOUR W out the door. Because he LOVES her. Although I do understand that men are typically a lot more unforgiving toward their unfaithful SO's than women are. I think you and stampdaddy's lover's H are the "exceptions to the rule." I have no idea if that's good or bad.
stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Probably the same reason why you haven't thrown YOUR W out the door. Because he LOVES her. Although I do understand that men are typically a lot more unforgiving toward their unfaithful SO's than women are. I think you and stampdaddy's lover's H are the "exceptions to the rule." I have no idea if that's good or bad. I would agree, that I respect him for not just throwing her out.. There are kids, but I can't help but wonder.. The counselor told him he loves the "idea" of her, the W he had 18 years ago.. He is so afraid of Divorce and the stigma, he thinks Divorced people are "losers".. I understand the fear of "what the hell am I going to do now?", BUT he needs to realize that his marriage will NEVER be anything close to what it was 18 years ago.. Not 8 years ago... Will he settle for that? He said he wouldnt.. Sid he wouldnt have a "marriage of convenience"
Author reboot Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 Probably the same reason why you haven't thrown YOUR W out the door. Because he LOVES her. Although I do understand that men are typically a lot more unforgiving toward their unfaithful SO's than women are. I think you and stampdaddy's lover's H are the "exceptions to the rule." I have no idea if that's good or bad.I understand where you're coming from, but I think our situations are very different. stampdaddy's MW has given her H nothing. No hope, no reason to stay. She agreed to MC reluctantly, and says she doesn't see the point. She continued to see him after d-day, with her husband's knowledge (all this based soley on what SD says of course). She keeps love letters from him all over the house. I'd say my wife handled things just a wee bit differently. She is very commited to not only salvaging our marriage, but in making it better. I'm by no means trying to excuse what she did, but I have to give her a A for effort in trying to fix it. SD's MW gets a big, fat F.
Author reboot Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 BUT he needs to realize that his marriage will NEVER be anything close to what it was 18 years agoAnd you need to realize this isn't true. While it may indeed turn out your way, if they BOTH get a fire lit under their butts and really decide they want to, they CAN make things beter, maybe even better than 18 years ago. It takes hard work but it can be done. I say this from personal experience and based on what others have told me. Things are far from perfect, and we're hardly out of the woods, but our relationship in many regards is better than it's been since way back when we were dating. I've said this before, but I'll repeat it. If our marriage had been where it is now back then, there wouldn't have been an A in the first place.
stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 I understand where you're coming from, but I think our situations are very different. stampdaddy's MW has given her H nothing. No hope, no reason to stay. She agreed to MC reluctantly, and says she doesn't see the point. She continued to see him after d-day, with her husband's knowledge (all this based soley on what SD says of course). She keeps love letters from him all over the house. I'd say my wife handled things just a wee bit differently. She is very commited to not only salvaging our marriage, but in making it better. I'm by no means trying to excuse what she did, but I have to give her a A for effort in trying to fix it. SD's MW gets a big, fat F. He knows.. Not as much of course, but he knows she's been at least talking to me on the phone, and "he knows" in his gut that she's seen me since Dday...neither here nor there I guess... I'm trying to figure out, is it DENIAL? Is it FEAR? Is it LOVE? I mean, he has NO TRUST, his life has been a LIE for over 3 years, he has been USED, he has been LIED to, i mean, WTF? He doesnt have half of the TRUTH, so he can't even start to put hims arms around this.. What is he thinking???
stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 And you need to realize this isn't true. While it may indeed turn out your way, if they BOTH get a fire lit under their butts and really decide they want to, they CAN make things beter, maybe even better than 18 years ago. It takes hard work but it can be done. I say this from personal experience and based on what others have told me. Things are far from perfect, and we're hardly out of the woods, but our relationship in many regards is better than it's been since way back when we were dating. I've said this before, but I'll repeat it. If our marriage had been where it is now back then, there wouldn't have been an A in the first place. RB, that's GREAT!! Keep working hard, and I hope these chat's HELP you and don't put you in bad places... So with that being said, I APPRECIATE your ear (or eyes and fingers, I am sure the middle one from time to time:)).. See, the difference I am gathering from you experience and this one, is that ours is SO deep, so long, and it never stopped, and wouldnt have... I mean the depth of what what he knows about our R is astounding.. and the depth of what he DOESNT know is, well, HUGE. She basically was living two seperate lives.. Not that "every once in a while we'll hook up at a hotel and screw type", but a "every day, EVERY DAY, crossing the big green bridge over the Missouri River to my/our house type) Now that I am starting to look at these posts, I am becoming aware of how big/bad/crazy this was.. Maybe I'll keep seeing things differently if I continue.. I mean, MY house is OUR house.. Their house is littered with me.. I I will admit, to me. sometimes, he didnt exist... I hate to say that, but that's how it felt
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 He is so afraid of Divorce and the stigma, he thinks Divorced people are "losers".. Maybe she is too...Atleast with the 1st part.
stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Maybe she is too...Atleast with the 1st part. I KNOW she ia affraid, of MANY things.. She hasnt worked in 14 years, has children, and all of the "stuff" that comes along with this, BUT, BUT, BUT we sit here TODAY, with all of this stuff... SO NOW WHAT DO EACH OF US DO.. I am doing MY part, by honoring NC and still loving her.. He is doing HIS part by not "rushing" things. NOW, SHE needs to do HER part, which I don't know what... Except, to finally be HONEST. Put it ALL into his lap, and then let him decide what he wants to do, or better yet, HER decide what SHE wants to do
washingtonlady Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Leaving is hard. Now or later. My MM will leave a spouse who makes a very modest income, and will have to leave her most everything he has. That is IF he leaves. I think he will. But, do you stay in a marriage out of financial obligation? I dont know. Maybe some do. Is that the right thing? Maybe, maybe not.
stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Leaving is hard. Now or later. My MM will leave a spouse who makes a very modest income, and will have to leave her most everything he has. That is IF he leaves. I think he will. But, do you stay in a marriage out of financial obligation? I dont know. Maybe some do. Is that the right thing? Maybe, maybe not. It is starting to scare the crap out of me.. But I've done all I can do.. I bought us a house, I make OK money, although could be better (couldnt we all?) I am putting my daughter through a major college, I am a swell guy, I LOVE her, I love her children, I am good, no GREAT, to them behind the scenes (i may explain later), I have given her things shes NEVER had and ALWAYS wanted, there have been SO many "firsts" for her because of me.. We travel, we are Best Friends, we shre SO much, and have learned SO much because of each other, I mean, I am a 40 year old man, and I swear, it's like I am just NOW, starting to grow..... not "grow up" just grow... We see life through the same eyes, they don't see the same anything, except the children, and even that is "separate" looking... I just wonder: When is it ENOUGH to make a difference?
cracked1 Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Yes, she blames a lot of things on me. And rightfully so. I had become a pretty sorry husband in a lot of ways. Don't get me wrong, she hadn't exactly been a great wife for a while either. There's no end to the blame the two of us can share. The only problem we have in sharing blame is, she did, and still does, want me to share blame for the A. I refuse to do that. I had just as many reasons to cheat as she did. But I didn't. I had, still have, and will continue to have plenty to prove to her. I fully accept that. I should have been proving myself to her all along. She's given me the excuse to dump her if I want to, but not to make her a second class citizen because I stay. That wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. I want to get past this, not use it as something to hold over her head forever. Going to work everyday, showing up for dinner at night, and throwing an "I love you" in the middle of that occasionally doesn't prove a lot. I think we all need to be shown, and shown often. Even when we don't feel like it. So yes, I have just as much to prove to her as she does to me. With one exception. She has to find a way to prove to me that I can trust her again. There lies the really hard part. This is particularly interesting to me. My wife wants me to take the blame as well and i'm having a real hard time blaming myself for her screwing a coworker.
cracked1 Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Thanks for the account Reboot, it was helpful. Best wishes to you!!!
Author reboot Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 My wife wants me to take the blame as well and i'm having a real hard time blaming myself for her screwing a coworker.It's like it's written in a textbook somewhere. So many stories, so few scripts. I've said this more than a few times here, but, while you share the blame for the problems in your marriage (I read your thread, and you have plenty of blame), but her decision to cheat is NOT something you can shoulder any blame for. It's really hard to convince them of that.
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