My Story

[Cobra_X30]

The only problem we have in sharing blame is, she did, and still does, want me to share blame for the A. I refuse to do that. I had just as many reasons to cheat as she did. But I didn't.

 

Here is the deal. She may not be willing to understand your view, unless you can understand and communicate back to her, what her thoughts and feelings are. If you do that... and she still cannot accept sole responsibility, it means she truely blames you for what happened!

 

The good news is that I dont get the feeling that your wife is the type to go looking for another affair. Her internal monologue while unchanged, dictates that you must stop providing what she deserves for that to happen again.

 

However, It's irritating that her love for you is moonlight, while the love she has for herself glares like the sun!

 

I had, still have, and will continue to have plenty to prove to her. I fully accept that. I should have been proving myself to her all along. She's given me the excuse to dump her if I want to, but not to make her a second class citizen because I stay. That wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. I want to get past this, not use it as something to hold over her head forever.

 

Going to work everyday, showing up for dinner at night, and throwing an "I love you" in the middle of that occasionally doesn't prove a lot. I think we all need to be shown, and shown often. Even when we don't feel like it. So yes, I have just as much to prove to her as she does to me.

 

With one exception. She has to find a way to prove to me that I can trust her again. There lies the really hard part.

 

It's good that you continue to struggle towards bieng the Husband you need to be. So many of the men who stay, do so because they enjoy the newfound power that a guilt trip can bring them. You failed her in a critical way in the past. When you meantion the way you two argued, I have an idea what your referencing.

 

I dont want you to think that I dont see things as they are. I fully understand what brought you to the edge of divorce. I also see indications that while you are exceptionally smart, loving, and forgiving, you do not understand what was going through your wifes mind when this occurred. You are simply a fixer... so you focus too much on the solution.

 

It's sad but I think the success or failure of your marriage rests on your shoulders alone. Bieng Atlus is no position to envy.

 

Best of Luck my friend!

[reboot]

I kind of look at Trust as a choice, same as I look at Love as a choice. Infidelity takes our blinders off, and we never look at Trust in the same way again. If you think about it, you could start off with somebody new, and there's no way to KNOW that that person is any more innately trustworthy than the formerly wayward partner you already have.

 

For a long time, I made a daily choice to trust actively, to climb out on that limb and test my weight. These days, it's only now and then that I have to remind myself to do it. At the bottom line, I'd lose more in being fearful than I ever would in discovering I'd misplaced my trust... because it would change me at the core. So yeah, it's a risk. But when you think about it... life is full of 'em.

Wow. I've sat here re-reading your post several times at a complete loss for words. The simple truth in it completely floored me.

 

I have no idea if I can do what you just described, but I will certainly consider it. That is a totally 180 degree way of looking at things. It gives me something else to ponder in my sleepless moments.

 

Thanks LJ.

[reboot]

Best of Luck my friend!

I cannot argue with anything you just said. I can only do what I can do, and the rest will be up to her. I appreciate your concern and support. Trust me when I say I won't let her hurt me like this again. I know that's probably what you fear.

[Cobra_X30]

I kind of look at Trust as a choice, same as I look at Love as a choice. Infidelity takes our blinders off, and we never look at Trust in the same way again. If you think about it, you could start off with somebody new, and there's no way to KNOW that that person is any more innately trustworthy than the formerly wayward partner you already have.

 

For a long time, I made a daily choice to trust actively, to climb out on that limb and test my weight. These days, it's only now and then that I have to remind myself to do it. At the bottom line, I'd lose more in being fearful than I ever would in discovering I'd misplaced my trust... because it would change me at the core. So yeah, it's a risk. But when you think about it... life is full of 'em.

 

Yikes! That strikes a chord.

 

I also view trust as a choice. Choosing to trust blindly is foolishness. It's like a mortgage. Everyone has a relationship credit score, based on past actions. Its no guarantee of the future, its an indication at best. Those who have been bankrupt in the past are higher risk.

 

My point to that analogy is this! You, Reboot, me, and everyone else, has to build trust in our partners with every step.

 

So in this way, yes she must constantly prove her trustworthiness at ever step, and every turn. However, your point is that Reboot must give her the opportunity to rebuild that trust. That as she does prove herself, he needs to require less, because this is about fixing, not punishing!

 

Within that point LJ, you again show your wisdom!

[Ladyjane14]

I've got to get out of here for a day or two guys... otherwise, I'd be content to sit in here at LS all day talking about "active trust". It's one of my favorite subjects!

 

But I've got more to do than I can say grace over with Thanksgiving coming up.

 

For now though, I think the key to it is not really in trusting your mate... so much as it is in trusting yourself. You've got to have some faith in YOU, and KNOW that you're gonna handle whatever comes your way. Afterall, you've already proved that you can, because you've already seen the monster and lived to tell the tale.

[NoIDidn't]

I've got to get out of here for a day or two guys... otherwise, I'd be content to sit in here at LS all day talking about "active trust". It's one of my favorite subjects!

 

But I've got more to do than I can say grace over with Thanksgiving coming up.

 

For now though, I think the key to it is not really in trusting your mate... so much as it is in trusting yourself. You've got to have some faith in YOU, and KNOW that you're gonna handle whatever comes your way. Afterall, you've already proved that you can, because you've already seen the monster and lived to tell the tale.

 

Love it!! And agree.

 

Trust isn't so much about the other person (or other people) once infidelity or some other betrayal takes the blinders off. Its about realizing that "Man that hurt, but I am still standing. I survived that." At least that is what it is for me.

 

Its more than that, but I can't find the words.

 

Happy Thanksgiving, to those that are celebrating it.

[silktricks]

Reboot, thank-you for sharing your story. i must admit that I haven't read the entire thread (it's a busy day today), but wanted to add:

 

First, I'm so very sorry for the pain you have experienced. Like your situation, my H's affair happened in the midst of many family and health crises. Both of us are "fixers" and so we both worked at tending to everything except each other.

 

I think that often times what trips up the cheater is the very things that your wife was saying before she cheated. It wasn't "in her" to cheat. Over confidence in our own goodness or strength can and has led many to allow themselves to get entangled in a bad situation. Like your wife, my husband thought his "friend" was innocent and simply being friendly (even though I warned him of her interest). It wasn't until after everything was over that he found out that she'd been talking to others about desiring him and wanting to be with him. Like your wife and others who are too confident, before long one step leads to the next step and pretty soon the situation is out of control.

 

Your wife needs to understand that no matter how many mistakes you made (and I'm sure you made a bunch - we all do) she cannot put any responsibility for the affair on your shoulders. That was her choice to make or not make. And she needs to be all grown-up about that and take the responsibility. (BTW, my H in the beginning also blamed me for his actions - I think it's pretty common). A few times of hearing "yeah, well I was pretty miserable too, and didn't make that choice" finally started him thinking about what he was really saying. Now, frankly, he probably takes on himself more than he should - but that's a different story .

 

The forgiveness and trust thing is difficult, there's no two ways about that. LJ's advice about active trust pretty much follows the line that I took. I decided that I had 3 choices. I could leave, mistrust my husband for the rest of my life or decide that he had learned a lesson that would never be repeated. At first it was difficult, but after a time I realized that this was the same man I had trusted for many years. He had made a terrible choice but we all make terrible choices on occasion. Now it was my turn to make a choice and I chose to look at the whole person and the whole history, not just the part that had been so angry with me and in so much pain and the relatively short time that he had abused our relationship. Now that's not saying that I didn't go through about a year of VERY intense checking of every single d*mn thing that came out of his mouth - because I did. It all checked out, everything. That's what gave me the foundation for looking at our history together. If something hadn't check out, that would have been a different kettle of fish altogether.

 

Things are good now. We pay attention to each other. That's not to say that we don't both get distracted at times. We do. But he's the center of my universe and he knows it. I'm the center of his, and I know it. That's what really matters.

 

Best of luck to you, reboot.

[reboot]

Hey silk, thanks for sharing that. More good things for me to think about. Keep on bringing the success stories.

 

He had made a terrible choice but we all make terrible choices on occasion.

One thing I've noticed, those of us that have been there NEVER refer to it as a 'mistake'. Always as a choice or a decision.

[White Flower]

Hey silk, thanks for sharing that. More good things for me to think about. Keep on bringing the success stories.

 

One thing I've noticed, those of us that have been there NEVER refer to it as a 'mistake'. Always as a choice or a decision.

Coming from the POV of a cheater I agree (are you happy MichaelK?)

I did choose to make this decision and it was a mistake! Well, it was a mistake for some very important (my family) reasons, but some gifts came with it.

[silktricks]

Hey silk, thanks for sharing that. More good things for me to think about. Keep on bringing the success stories.

 

One thing I've noticed, those of us that have been there NEVER refer to it as a 'mistake'. Always as a choice or a decision.

 

To be honest, I think I have referred to it as a mistake on occasion, but I never meant that it was anything other than a badly mistaken CHOICE. It's not like he tripped over a log in the dark....

 

Crawling out on that branch of trust knowing full well that it's been sawed off behind us once is difficult, but like LJ said, it's not as if somebody else would be MORE trustworthy.....

[daisydufas22]

Thanks for sharing your story!

 

I don't want to lecture you on whether to stay or leave ....you are an intelliegent adult and I know you will make good decisions. We have different views about what to do after being cheated on but I do respect your views and decisions.

 

I just wanted to say......I hope your wife knows how lucky she is to have YOU!

 

I hope that you are able to put this all to rest one day and move on to live a happy and wonderful life with your wife.

 

Oh, can I ask a question?

 

I will and if you don't want to answer it...that's okay!

 

How do you deal with lack of trust regarding your wife and all those emotions that come with it on a daily basis?

 

Cheers!

[reboot]

I'm not sure how to answer that. I don't deal with it very well. I just.... deal wth it. I make a concious decision to put it out of my mind when it surfaces. Dozens of times a day sometimes....

[daisydufas22]

Hmmm....I have heard that it is so hard to overcome those emotions.

 

I am so sorry......I can not offer any words of wisdom...... I do wish you all the best and hope that you can keep us informed ........ I am hoping that you and your wife will become stronger as a couple from this exprience!

 

Good luck and best wishes

[MsMartha]

My dad cheated on his first W with my mom (OW) and now then on my mom for 5 years with OW who he is with now...but I'd say the hardest part isn't having a relationship with my dad...it's the relationship with my mom cos she tries to keep us from dad and whenever she can she tells us what an ******* he is and how she is sooo much better off now without him and still she has so much resentment...

 

Am sorry your oldest son has resentment for your W, reboot. But as long as you don't add to it by saying hurtful things about her to them...perhaps one day your son would be able to forgive her and have a relationship with her.

 

Sorry for the pain you've been through...but admirable you wanted to work on things. Best of luck with upcoming MC...

 

 

 

Hard as this is to admit, my mother was the OW. I never "knew" it. I figured it out later. My father married her, had me then cheated on my mother with his first wife. That interaction produced a child, my mother was pregnant at the same time AND so was another woman. I was too young to understand it, but as I got older I started to put 2 and 2 together.

I think I started a post addressing this issue of our parents discretions... (I think I'll start another).

To this day I still have a minimal relationship with my father. Frankly, I blame him for teaching me the skills I have/don't have in relationships....

 

Somewhere on this site I read a quote that said something to the point of it being silly to think doing the same thing can produce a different result a second time....(something like that). I realized that I have been running from the problems instead of facing them. Forgiving is difficult for me. I don't think I have forgiven my father yet 30 years after the fact. My situation hurts soooooo much. And I love this man (my cheater). So, I want to try to forgive him and give him another chance since I have NEVER tried that before. But, your story has frankly scared the bejesus out of me. Could I go through this again? I still wake up crying sometimes.

 

I keep thinking on what if he does it again or is STILL doing it.......

And what if he is the man for me, and I will miss out on a chance to be happy if I don't at least try to forgive.......

 

"If "IF" were a 5th we'd all be drunk!"

 

Thanks for your story and well all of your stories are so helpful......

 

I am looking for my inner strength, I seem to have lost it.....lol

 

When I recover it or at least recognize that it's(my inner strength) still there I will be a little happier... I hope.

[MsMartha]

P.S. Best of luck getting through this.....

I wish you well!!!!

 

Peace light and understanding.... We all need that!

[stampdaddy]

I'm not sure how to answer that. I don't deal with it very well. I just.... deal wth it. I make a concious decision to put it out of my mind when it surfaces. Dozens of times a day sometimes....

 

This is where I DO have so much guilt, RB, and am VERY sorry for what he is going through, you too.. It has to be consuming.. See, he knows alot of the details, cause he asks... Not all of them, but enough.. And I HATE it... I DO think about it all of the time and it makes me feel so bad for him, PLEASE know I am being so very sincere saying this..

[reboot]

This is where I DO have so much guilt, RB, and am VERY sorry for what he is going through, you too.. It has to be consuming.. See, he knows alot of the details, cause he asks... Not all of them, but enough.. And I HATE it... I DO think about it all of the time and it makes me feel so bad for him, PLEASE know I am being so very sincere saying this..

If this is true you are very, very different from the OM that used to be in my life.

[stampdaddy]

If this is true you are very, very different from the OM that used to be in my life.

 

It is true.. Of course, I never expect HIM to believe it.. Maybe many, many years down the road, if we wind up together and my ACTIONS show him as much.. Men are men, so maybe one day I would have the opportunity to SAY AS MUCH.. I have told him that I was sorry... But, there is no way it matters to him now.. I have many questions for you, if you are willing?

[stampdaddy]

If this is true you are very, very different from the OM that used to be in my life.

 

For example tonight.. She is going to a "Girls Nite Out" Holiday party, where the "Husbands" can come.. happens every year.. This time "there is no way in hell I am going", he said..

 

See, alot of her friends knew about me, these friends go back 25 years. They were HER friends, but obviously they were ALL friends.. Some of these friends even covered and lied for her.. So there he will be, at home watching the kids, while she is out with her lying friends, and he will probably feel MANY different awful feelings, including, will I be there? Will she go by his house after? (although he "tracks her" via GPS on her phone)

 

Anyway, long winded question for you: you mentioned that your wifes friends knew? How did that make you feel? knowing that others knew

[reboot]

You misunderstood something I said I guess. My wife never told any of her friends as far as I know. I don't think any of them know to this day. Most of her friends are happily married and they all had that same image of her. I don't think she wanted them to change their opinion. She was not at all proud of what she did.

 

Whenever we were around her friends, even when things were bad between us, she always put on a show like we were the happiest little couple there ever was. For some reason it was important to her that they thought that.

 

Anyway, she was always concerned that I might let something slip to one of them after everything came out, which leads me to believe that she never told them. Obviously I could be wrong, but as far as I know, she never told any of them.

[reboot]

I have many questions for you, if you are willing?

Sure. Keep in mind I'm known to be pretty blunt, so be careful what you ask for.

[stampdaddy]

Sure. Keep in mind I'm known to be pretty blunt, so be careful what you ask for.

 

Hey, Im a big boy, and I am sincere... I guess I did misunderstand, I thought I read that while you didnt know all of the details, YET, and you would worry that it would cause more problems than not, and could you even believe what you were told on the really hard questions. I really want to get some perspectives from the BSH, I dont know why, and I hope it doesnt come off as being selfish, maybe it is, but not my intent.. With knowing what he knows (and he doesnt know the half of it), how in the world is he coping...?

[reboot]

how in the world is he coping...?

My wife's OM was an old, old friend. They went way back and she's the type of person that puts a lot of value on friendship. I fully expected there to be a fight over whether or not he could remain a part of her life. I wrestled with how far I would be willing to carry such a fight. I mean, complete NC ever again was the only thing I was going to consider, but I thought it would be a battle to get it. I was wrong. She cut him out of our life as cleanly as a doctor removes a boil.

 

I could not have coped otherwise. I would not be here otherwise.

 

So see, this is what makes me think you aren't getting the whole truth. I have NO idea how he copes knowing you're still there after all this time. I couldn't do it. If he really knows the truth, I can't imagine how he does.

[stampdaddy]

My wife's OM was an old, old friend. They went way back and she's the type of person that puts a lot of value on friendship. I fully expected there to be a fight over whether or not he could remain a part of her life. I wrestled with how far I would be willing to carry such a fight. I mean, complete NC ever again was the only thing I was going to consider, but I thought it would be a battle to get it. I was wrong. She cut him out of our life as cleanly as a doctor removes a boil.

 

I could not have coped otherwise. I would not be here otherwise.

 

So see, this is what makes me think you aren't getting the whole truth. I have NO idea how he copes knowing you're still there after all this time. I couldn't do it. If he really knows the truth, I can't imagine how he does.

 

Well, busted 5 months ago, and just 3-4 weeks ago she told hime that she had still been "talking" to me.. had her cell phone (one of mine), met me after her appointment with the counselor that day that we both, H and I, thought she was gonna say it is over. The counselor convinced her to stick it out 6 months, NC and give them TIME to decide what to do.. He called me 2 weeks ago.. He asked her Monday morning if she's been still seeing me. He asked last week, "so what's up with you and OM?" She said to him that she'd give 6 months, but doesnt "feel" like she can give 6 minutes... OF COURSE, I am sure that I don't know the whole truth, BUT, like H, I know enough. He told his parents right after DDay and they advised to mot "rush" to decisions. The counselor has advised against it too.. Again, remember, I have talked to him, he knows the 3 plus years, he knows we've been having relations, HE hasnt, he knows she love me, he knows she's traveled with me (2 out of 5/6 trips, one of which was over their anniversary, which he knows, and he should figure out the rest IF she doesnt tell him), he knows her friends know, and covered for her, he knows of a "detailed intimate account" that she told him, when she was lying about "no intercourse", but "touching" on the floor of my living room, in front of a fire with wine watching a movie... (that's the one that kills me), he knows when he was at dinner with her and her mom and dad in town that "all he saw", were her and OM, at the bar, holding hands across the table, him pulling her chair out, etc... ANYWAY wheter I know the whole truth or not, I know enough, and would it really matter what the hell she was telling him NOW??? "Oh, I made a big mistake, please forgive me..." Would that work for you? and she never broke it off with me like your W did... WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING FOR ANYWAY???

[reboot]

I can't understand why he hasn't thrown her ass right out the door. *shrug*