My Story

[abeliever]

I never heard your story either. After reading your posts I am happy that you didn't throw in the towel. It can be a building block "if" both parties agree to stop the A and work on M together. I wish you both the best of luck!

 

I wished my H would have done the work. Wishful thinging, I know.

 

abeliever

[Cobra_X30]

but they know enough to harbor some resentment for her. Especially the oldest. And that's really sad, being a good mom was always important to her.

 

I am the oldest! It was not important enough. Anyone who hurts my parents hurts me!

 

I was going to stay out of your thread reboot, because I am one of those that tends to engage you in 'ye olde spirited debate'. However some things need to be said.

 

I am glad that you are now moving towards MC. Because the cheating was situational, you have improved the situation and the problem has thus been removed. However, you need to make sure that there has been a change within!

 

What happens if life throws you another curveball? We do not see others for who they really are during the good times. It's when the chips are down that we see what lurks within a heart!

[reboot]

However, you need to make sure that there has been a change within!

 

What happens if life throws you another curveball? We do not see others for who they really are during the good times. It's when the chips are down that we see what lurks within a heart!

You have put it all into a nutshell. This is exactly right.

 

We are in a much better place now. Our life in general is as good as it's ever been. In a lot of respects our relationship is good too. We have learned a lot of communication skills. We have learned how to show respect. We have regained the ability to show our love to each other. I'm hoping the MC thing can teach us skills to make sure we don't get there again.

 

But.

 

In the back of my mind, I will always wonder, what happens if disaster strikes again? This is something I have to be able to get past. And I don't know that I know how, or even if it's something a MC can tell me how to do. I think it may be something my wife will have to do. If so, I hope she can figure it out....

[PandorasBox]

Reboot, this is something I was wondering. You don't have to answer but I was just curious about it thats all.

 

Since you decided to try to work things out. I'm sure it has not been easy, and been a long road. I do think people can survive cheating etc.

 

My question is, when you and your wife are initimate, does it trigger anything at all? Is there still any kind of resentment there that comes out or surfaces? I was just wondering because I think for me that was one of the reasons I didn't try to make things work with my ex H. I just didn't think I could get past when he would touch me or kiss me, I felt it would bring a bad visual image up for me and would be difficult for me to deal with. It may not for you, thats why I was asking.

[reboot]

My question is, when you and your wife are initimate, does it trigger anything at all? Is there still any kind of resentment there that comes out or surfaces? I was just wondering because I think for me that was one of the reasons I didn't try to make things work with my ex H. I just didn't think I could get past when he would touch me or kiss me, I felt it would bring a bad visual image up for me and would be difficult for me to deal with. It may not for you, thats why I was asking.

Yes, it's very difficult. Men especially are very visual creatures and I get a lot of unwanted images in my mind. I just deal with it as best I can, and hope that it fades with time. It has gotten better. But it's still a problem.

[White Flower]

I am the oldest! It was not important enough. Anyone who hurts my parents hurts me!

 

I was going to stay out of your thread reboot, because I am one of those that tends to engage you in 'ye olde spirited debate'. However some things need to be said.

 

I am glad that you are now moving towards MC. Because the cheating was situational, you have improved the situation and the problem has thus been removed. However, you need to make sure that there has been a change within!

 

What happens if life throws you another curveball? We do not see others for who they really are during the good times. It's when the chips are down that we see what lurks within a heart!

Hi Cobra,

 

I've been wanting to ask you about your situation re extramarital As since I saw your post on the thread, "Have you Heard...". You said you hated your mom and one of the reasons was an A.

 

My dad cheated on my mom, well, I don't know how many times. It hurt. I woke to the sound of her tears many times while he was out with the OW.

 

She once told me later on when I was an adult that my sister was the result of my mom's revenge on my dad. Yeah, been through a lot.

 

Even though they did this to each other, somehow they stayed together. They were great parents and we learned to separate the pain they put on each other from how well they raised us. But I did not like my dad, even though I loved him, for a very long time.

 

While he was dying I took care of him. I had a chance to ask him a lot of questions and even though I didn't get a lot of details I came away with one answer. They were not right for each other. And he never cheated on his second wife. I felt I grew a lot, but I still hadn't completely forgiven him even at death.

 

Enter MM. I was NEVER ever going to be that kind of woman. Ever. Period. But I was hurting so much and very needy. It eventually happened and I allowed it to. A tiny little part of me wondered in the back of my mind if this had anything to do with my parents. I won't believe that I fell into a pattern because of the sins of the father or anything like that and I won't dignify nasty replies to it, but I have to say that now, after everything I have been through, I can truly say that I forgive my father for hurting my mother. I have walked in his shoes and I get it. I don't think I would have ever forgiven him completely if I had not gone through this affair. I'm not saying I did it on purpose, it was just a wonderful discovery on my own path.

 

I hope you find forgiveness for yourself and don't have to go through any suffering in order to find it.

 

Reboot, thanks for letting me borrow your thread for half a page:)

[Darth Vader]

Yes, it's very difficult. Men especially are very visual creatures and I get a lot of unwanted images in my mind. I just deal with it as best I can, and hope that it fades with time. It has gotten better. But it's still a problem.

 

 

How does your wife feel about that, knowing that she caused this problem with sex? Yes, the thoughts are enough to kill a marriage, let alone sex!

[reboot]

How does your wife feel about that, knowing that she caused this problem with sex?

I've brought it up a couple of times, I don't think she really knows what to say. Such things are probably where a MC comes in handy.

[Cobra_X30]

I've been wanting to ask you about your situation re extramarital As since I saw your post on the thread, "Have you Heard...". You said you hated your mom and one of the reasons was an A.

 

My dad cheated on my mom, well, I don't know how many times. It hurt. I woke to the sound of her tears many times while he was out with the OW.

 

WF,

 

We know what we are taught. You were taught young how to handle relationships, and it is disfunctional. In this you suffer the sins of your parents. As your children will be burdened with yours.

 

You didnt like your father. I hate my mother, and there is no forgiveness, some actions are not to be forgiven! But do not think this is just about an affair. My mother is a terrible person. There is no understanding available. I would die before walking in those shoes.

 

So, be glad that your father can be forgiven.

 

And if I can offer 1 piece of advice, keep your Married Men far from your children...

 

I apologize for the threadjack, reboot! I wish you and your wife the best!

[reboot]

Reboot, thanks for letting me borrow your thread for half a page:)

It's quite ok, I'm thinking about adopting Cobra anyway.

 

By the way, my father also cheated on my mother when I was a kid. We still don't have a relationship. Amazing how many of us there are. Amazing what we selfishly pass down to our children.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Hi, Reboot -

 

I'm sorry to ask this as I'm sure you don't like dwelling on it, but can I ask how long her affair lasted? It sounded as if he ended it - is that the case? Did she ever move out?

 

I was left with no choice but to divorce my cheating husband, so I'm curious. I think it almost hurts worse to be betrayed AND willing to work on the marriage and STILL get tossed aside.

[White Flower]

Originally posted by Reboot>

It's quite ok, I'm thinking about adopting Cobra anyway.

___________________________________________________________

 

I totally understand:)

 

Originally posted by Cobra>

 

 

WF,

 

We know what we are taught. You were taught young how to handle relationships, and it is disfunctional. In this you suffer the sins of your parents. As your children will be burdened with yours.

 

You didnt like your father. I hate my mother, and there is no forgiveness, some actions are not to be forgiven! But do not think this is just about an affair. My mother is a terrible person. There is no understanding available. I would die before walking in those shoes.

 

So, be glad that your father can be forgiven.

 

And if I can offer 1 piece of advice, keep your Married Men far from your children...

-----------------------------------------------------------

I was hoping the forgiveness would be for you, not her. As for my children, they do not know. But they will be burdened by the way their father treats their mother, unfortunately.

 

Best of luck to you and to Reboot.

[White Flower]

Reboot,

 

Did your wife ever blame anything on you? If so, how did you react to it?

 

And everyone keeps suggesting that she needs to prove herself to you which I understand, but, if there was blame on her part is there anything you are trying to prove to her?

 

It is so interesting you moved away. I was considering this also as it turns out. Same reasons: work, then convenience of distance.

[White Flower]

Originally posted by Cobra>

 

And if I can offer 1 piece of advice, keep your Married Men far from your children...

 

 

Sorry, Cobra, I forgot to respond to this. MM is completely outside of my circle. No family, no friends, no one knows him. Not a chance to be anywhere near my kids even if he were a bad person.

 

Hope your pain ends.

[reboot]

I'm sorry to ask this as I'm sure you don't like dwelling on it, but can I ask how long her affair lasted?

I honestly can't answer that. I haven't asked about a lot of it, mainly because a) I've yet to decide how much I want to know and b) how would I know if she was telling me the truth anyway? I know some people have to know all the details, and I may yet decide I need to know more, but so far I haven't had the desire to hear any play by play action.

 

I don't think she really knows when it went from being friendly to being an EA. She seems pretty confused about that herself. I think I realized it before she did. I'm guessing that part was maybe six months, might have been longer, I just don't know exactly.

 

As far as the PA, I think that was pretty brief. It may even have only been once. By that point I was reading her text messages, listening to her voice mail, monitoring the incoming and outgoing phone numbers on her cell phone, taping conversations on the home phone. No I don't feel bad about doing that. And she doesn't know all of this to this day.

 

I won't repeat the conversation that made it clear to me that it had become physical, but it sounded like it had just happened. So I don't think it happened more than a few times, and maybe only once or twice. But again, I don't know for sure since I've never asked. And still wouldn't know for sure if I did ask quite frankly.

 

It sounded as if he ended it - is that the case?

No, she ended it. I've told this part before, but I think that thread was deleted. As far as I know, she never spoke to him again after d-day. She didn't do it on our home phone or her cell phone at least. About a month or so after, he finally called her and left voice messages. Three of them over about a weeks time. The first one was curious, the second was concerned, and the third was pissed off. She never responded to any of them as far as I know. Plus she told me about all three of them. It is nice when they tell you truths that you KNOW are truths.

 

Did she ever move out?

I moved out... for about 3 days. She talked me into coming back.

[ThumbingMyWay]

My wife had an affair

 

mine too, and I stayed also

 

 

It is nice when they tell you truths that you KNOW are truths

 

and thats when true healing starts, that feeling of trust and remorse you genuinely feel.

 

Its been 3 years, 4 months and 3 days since d day and I got that feeling back. What a wonderful place it is to be.

 

The steps taken after discovery, the highs the lows, all of it was worth it. The "what if" thoughts are all but gone now.

 

Yes I still have triggers at times, but I know they are not real anymore, they are just thoughts.

 

it can work reboot, make a straight path and dont wander

[reboot]

Did your wife ever blame anything on you? If so, how did you react to it?

Yes, she blames a lot of things on me. And rightfully so. I had become a pretty sorry husband in a lot of ways. Don't get me wrong, she hadn't exactly been a great wife for a while either. There's no end to the blame the two of us can share.

 

The only problem we have in sharing blame is, she did, and still does, want me to share blame for the A. I refuse to do that. I had just as many reasons to cheat as she did. But I didn't.

 

And everyone keeps suggesting that she needs to prove herself to you which I understand, but, if there was blame on her part is there anything you are trying to prove to her?

I had, still have, and will continue to have plenty to prove to her. I fully accept that. I should have been proving myself to her all along. She's given me the excuse to dump her if I want to, but not to make her a second class citizen because I stay. That wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. I want to get past this, not use it as something to hold over her head forever.

 

Going to work everyday, showing up for dinner at night, and throwing an "I love you" in the middle of that occasionally doesn't prove a lot. I think we all need to be shown, and shown often. Even when we don't feel like it. So yes, I have just as much to prove to her as she does to me.

 

With one exception. She has to find a way to prove to me that I can trust her again. There lies the really hard part.

[reboot]

it can work reboot, make a straight path and dont wander

Thanks. It helps and gives hope to me. There are so few success stories here and it's really nice to hear of them when they happen.

[whichwayisup]

The only problem we have in sharing blame is, she did, and still does, want me to share blame for the A. I refuse to do that. I had just as many reasons to cheat as she did. But I didn't.

 

You can share blame with her about the problems in the marriage, own up to it, each of you had a helping hand in that, but she had a choice to either talk to you, and MAKE you listen by saying "I am very close to having an affair due to the problems in our marriage" or keep those thoughts to herself and then choose to quietly go ahead and have the affair. The A is not your fault, you did not hold a gun to her head and say "cheat on me."

 

If you both work together and want your marriage to work again, she's showing you that she can be trustworthy again, does everything possible to make you feel good, to be an openbook, then yeah, your marriage can be even better than it was before because ANY problems in the future WILL be discussed and sorted out before it gets out of hand. Also, I'm sure she knows too, that if she chooses to cheat again in the future she'll be out on her @ss..

[Lyssa]

Reboot, thanks for sharing your story. I have always wondered about you whenever I read your posts on other threads and now I understand why you post the way you do.

 

Would it have been different if you didn't have any kids? Would you you leave your W for good?

[reboot]

Would it have been different if you didn't have any kids? Would you you leave your W for good?

That's really hard to say. I'm sure it would have been much easier to leave under those circumstances, but who knows.

[4whatItsWorth]

By the way, my father also cheated on my mother when I was a kid. We still don't have a relationship. Amazing how many of us there are. Amazing what we selfishly pass down to our children.

 

My dad cheated on his first W with my mom (OW) and now then on my mom for 5 years with OW who he is with now...but I'd say the hardest part isn't having a relationship with my dad...it's the relationship with my mom cos she tries to keep us from dad and whenever she can she tells us what an ******* he is and how she is sooo much better off now without him and still she has so much resentment...

 

Am sorry your oldest son has resentment for your W, reboot. But as long as you don't add to it by saying hurtful things about her to them...perhaps one day your son would be able to forgive her and have a relationship with her.

 

Sorry for the pain you've been through...but admirable you wanted to work on things. Best of luck with upcoming MC...

[White Flower]

Thanks. It helps and gives hope to me. There are so few success stories here and it's really nice to hear of them when they happen.

reboot, you are so freaking awesome! You're right, men don't usually share their "failures" (women don't see it as failures, though), and here you are helping so many people with your story. Thumbs, too. It is so refreshing to see. Thanks for tolerating me following your threads and asking so many questions. You have been so patient and forthcoming. I am sure that is why your wife convinced you to stay.

 

I really hope you do get to MC and also to the point of tossing all the passwords and cell logs into the trash forever. Won't that feel good? My friend and her husband did that (she cheated) and they are so much happier now. I look forward to the day you report such good news to us.

[Woggle]

I won't attack for taking her back but I think you are very foolish especially since she is blaming you for the affair. It sounds like you are married to one of those women who refuses to take any accountability whatsoever for her actions and eventually that entitlement attitude will rear it's head again. She will probably cheat again and chances are she probably still has some resentment against you for god knows what reasons. I would have divorced her but it is your life.

[Ladyjane14]

She has to find a way to prove to me that I can trust her again. There lies the really hard part.

 

I kind of look at Trust as a choice, same as I look at Love as a choice. Infidelity takes our blinders off, and we never look at Trust in the same way again. If you think about it, you could start off with somebody new, and there's no way to KNOW that that person is any more innately trustworthy than the formerly wayward partner you already have.

 

For a long time, I made a daily choice to trust actively, to climb out on that limb and test my weight. These days, it's only now and then that I have to remind myself to do it. At the bottom line, I'd lose more in being fearful than I ever would in discovering I'd misplaced my trust... because it would change me at the core. So yeah, it's a risk. But when you think about it... life is full of 'em.