kchiapet95 Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 This isn't really anything about my relationship with MM. The last time I posted, I just discovered I was pregnant with MM's baby. He pledged to be supportive. Last week, I lost my baby at 11 weeks. I'm not thinking anything about the relationship right now, and we haven't gotten together to talk, though we are supposed to this Friday. I'm grieving my loss, talking with my therapist and my friends, and trying to get through this difficult time. I feel very alone, because I never told my mother I was pregnant, and so around her and the rest of my family I have to act like nothing is wrong, but at night I cry so hard I can't breathe. I keep thinking of the last ultrasound, my baby's head was getting bigger, and he (I just feel like it was a boy) was making me so sick,and I would talk to him and say, "Why are you doing this to Mama?" But I believe he's in a better place, and these things happen for a reason, and I just have to hang on. I just needed to let it out. Thank you for listening.
White Flower Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Hi Chiapet, I remember your situation. I am so sorry for your loss. I know what it's like and it is very painful. You need to rest, to cry, and to mourn. The more you cry now the faster you will heal. There is a great book by John Gray called, You Can Heal What You Feel. You should do yourself a favor by calling a friend and asking them to pick it up for you. It will help a lot. I'd send you mine, but a friend is already borrowing it. You're probably going to hear all kinds of comments like, "It was nature's way", or "It wasn't meant to be because of your situation", but those words won't really comfort you. Just close your eyes, squeeze a pillow, and pretend I am right there holding you. Lots of love, White Flower.
Author kchiapet95 Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 You're probably going to hear all kinds of comments like, "It was nature's way", or "It wasn't meant to be because of your situation", but those words won't really comfort you. Just close your eyes, squeeze a pillow, and pretend I am right there holding you. Lots of love, White Flower. Thank you. I have heard lots of these comments, more so, "Everything happens for a reason." I even say it, because I just don't know what else to say. No one has said anything critical about the situation, because I've realized a lot of women have lost a child, more than I was aware of, and that pain is so great, that no matter WHAT the situation, it was still my baby, and he was very much loved. I talked to him every day he was alive. Maybe I can go to the bookstore and take a look at the book. I've gotten some rest but I had to go back to work, I went back Friday, and I could barely speak without crying. It was sad. Only a couple of people at work knew, too, and they cried right with me. But I got through it, and I'll get through, day by day.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I'm sorry for your pain. Does the MM know? Are you still planning to be with him? I mean if he has kids with his wife are you okay with your child being the illegitamate one. As much as this pains you, this may be what you need to start with someone else who's gonna love you that isnt married. That wants to start a family with you from the word go. With no deception and no treachery. I hope you get better. I mean that.
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I am sorry for your loss. Take each day as it comes, and make sure you are surrounded by family and friends to help take care of you.
Author kchiapet95 Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 Yes, he knows I lost the baby. I'm not thinking about the relationship right now, at all. I think about it in terms of, it was our baby, and I would like to cry on his shoulder, but I know it's hitting me way harder than it is him. But I do not have the mental capacity to think about any relationship. It's not on my mind at all. Which way, thank you for your kind words. I live with my mom, and they don't know but they know I've been having health problems, so they have been supportive in that sense. Emotionally, I turn to my best friend and my therapist for support.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Yes, he knows I lost the baby. I'm not thinking about the relationship right now, at all. I think about it in terms of, it was our baby, and I would like to cry on his shoulder, but I know it's hitting me way harder than it is him. But I do not have the mental capacity to think about any relationship. It's not on my mind at all. Which way, thank you for your kind words. I live with my mom, and they don't know but they know I've been having health problems, so they have been supportive in that sense. Emotionally, I turn to my best friend and my therapist for support. You need to tell your family the truth. I mean everything. What if you seriously have more complications or something like that. and they need to diagnose you. Your doctors will ask your family as to clues upon your physical state and if your family is in the dark how will they know? I want you to start life fresh now. But only after you have mentally healed , you deserve so much better. Do what you know what needs to be done.
sb129 Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I am so sorry- who gives a monkeys who the babys father is, he was still YOURS, and you have every right to grieve your loss. I think CB is right. If you tell your Mom, you have another person on your side who can support you. Moms are more forgiving than you may think. She will just want you to be happy. All this acting like everything is fine must be so hard! Don't rely on MM for support- you are right, this will affect you harder than it will him, most likely because he wouldn't have ever felt a connection with the baby the way you did. I am sure he cares in his own way, but I don't think he will be the shoulder to cry on that you need right now. Hugs to you..
Author kchiapet95 Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 As much as I would like to tell my mom, I can't. First of all, she'll ask too many questions about the background. Also, she is extremely religious--they are Jehovah's Witnesses. So, being pregnant and unmarried, and being pregnant by a married man...she would not be supportive at all, she would use the opportunity to guilt me into attending her spiritual meetings. She would say something like, "This is what happens when God's spirit is not upon you, you need to come back to Jehovah." She said that when I had a car accident. So, I don't expect much support from her. I'm not too hard on her though. She truly thinks that's the best way of life, and she wants what is best for me and thinks that is it. She may surprise me, but I doubt it. I have had some medical issues, for instance Sunday night I started bleeding very heavily. I was scared, but I called the doctor first thing in the morning, and they helped me. I'm really fine (physically). It's not like no one at all who lives nearby knows what happened. Eventually, I will be able to put other things in my life together, but right now, I don't think about any of it. I take it one day at a time.
nadiaj2727 Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 kchaipet, I am so so sorry that this has happened to you. I wanted to cry when I read your post. Your baby was very loved for the time he was alive inside you. I know you can get through this and come through stronger. You will make a great mother one day. I know there is nothing I can say to help make you feel better. You don't even know me but I am truly feeling your pain. Time heals everything. Sometimes it helps me to write in my journal when I'm feeling sad and I can't tell anyone. Perhaps you could write letters or songs or poems to your child? It also helps me to go outside and take a run or a brisk walk and be with nature. I have never experienced something as devastating as what you're going through, so I'm sorry that my small suggestions probably don't help much. I wish I knew you, I would give you a hug and we could cry together over your loss. You need support, I agree that you should tell someone else, your mother probably, in real life. But if this is too hard for you to do and brings you even more pain, then don't. Just do what is best for you. I am so sorry kchiapet. ~Nadia
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Then rely on those who you can trust and don't tell your mom. Seeing as she's JW and no good will come of letting her know what's been going on, stick to your plan... I'm glad you're talking to your therapist, don't be afraid to go on meds if need be. My bestfriend had a miscarriage when she was 5 months along and it devastated her....She needed to be on meds to help get her though it.. As for the MM, focus ONLY on you. Ofcourse he isn't going to feel the loss like you are now as he wasn't the one carrying the child, let alone around you and the bellybump so don't rely on him for anything. Worry about that crap later once you've healed and feeling more like yourself. He will only add stress and disruption into your life, which you do not need right now.
Shades of Grey Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I'm so sorry for your loss Kchiapet. That's very sad news. Take care of yourself I'm thinking of you and sending love x
TogetherForever Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 ((((((((((((kchia)))))))))))))))) Thinking of you! TF
GreenEyedLady Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Last week, I lost my baby at 11 weeks. Thank you for listening. I am so sorry for your loss...I lost a baby at that gestational age, too, several years ago...I have you in my thoughts and prayers... If you ever need a friend to talk to, PM me... (((HUGS)))
Author kchiapet95 Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 I don't think I can PM...I'm not sure why, I know it has something to do with forum rules. Maybe I don't have enough posts. But thank you, so much, for the offer. I really appreciate it. I think there will be a lot of up and down moments, for me, and June 9th will be particularly hard, because that was my due date.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 You might have been here long enough now though...Check your profile and see if it'll let you enable pm's...
Author kchiapet95 Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 You were right. I sent a message. Thank you.
TogetherForever Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I don't think I can PM...I'm not sure why, I know it has something to do with forum rules. Maybe I don't have enough posts. But thank you, so much, for the offer. I really appreciate it. I think there will be a lot of up and down moments, for me, and June 9th will be particularly hard, because that was my due date. And we will all be here to get you thru those ups n downs kchia. ((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))) TF YOU CAN PM ME ALSO, IF YOU'D LIKE.
White Flower Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I've been thinking about you all day. How are you feeling tonight?
Author kchiapet95 Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 Hi WhiteFlower, I'm doing well today. Yesterday was a good day. I had my wistful moments, but I didn't really cry. It's just a day to day thing, and I had a good day yesterday. Hopefully I will today too. Thank you for your kind thoughts and words.
NoIDidn't Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Sorry for your loss, KChia. One day at a time. Minute by minute if need be. I know how it feels to not be able to tell something like this to your mother. Its a good thing to have the therapist and your trusted friends. I am not a doctor, so please don't take this as medical advice. If you are against taking a prescribed medication, SAMe has been used in Europe for years with much success in treating mood imbalances (among many other things). There is tons of info on it on the net to research. Again, sorry for your loss.
Sassy Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I lost my baby at 10wks and know how you feel. It was really hard ! It was a yr this past Friday but I know everything happens for a reason. My h told me it just wasn't our time. On the yr anniversary of the miscarriage I got great news, we are pregnant again and HCG levels are great go for our first appt next Tuesday! We are so excited and can't wait .They put me on progesterone since I already had a miscarriage. Don't need it just as a back up method. I am extremely sick and everything that goes along with it! I had a dream and looked it up and it meant good luck,harmony and bliss!! This dream told me everything was going to be fine. Oh yeah my levels were high so they said I was anywhere from 6-10wks along. If you ever want to talk and are able to PM I am here for you!! We have a 8yr old daughter and the drs couldn't give me a reason why I miscarried just said the luck of the draw! I know how your feeling and you take all the time you need to morn the loss of this baby. I still think about my baby everyday but I know that something had to be wrong and it was nature's way. It took me a while to except it but I did! Again I am here if you need me
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