Hello

[daisydufas22]

Hello

I have been sitting here reading this webpage for a couple of hours. I hope that nothing I say offends anyone

 

Whilst reading these pages, I have seen that most of the members are loving, supportive and just generally fantastic people. However, I fail to understand why anyone of these people (I know this does NOT apply to everyone) would put up with a cheating partner. People, listen, if you have been cheated on don’t you know that you are worth more than that?

 

I don’t understand why anyone would stay with a cheat. Some say it’s for love…..I say love has nothing to do with it if the person cannot treat you or himself/herself with respect.

 

I really hope this has not offended anyone.

 

I guess I am asking for those that were cheated on…..

• What made you stay?
  
• Do you think it’s your fault he/she cheated? Let me be the first to tell you ….. he/she would cheat on anyone! The cheater has the problem, not you!!
  
• Are you afraid to be alone?
  

I am just trying to understand, as I think most of you are amazing people and I cannot believe such fantastic people would lower their standards of how they should be treated!

 

I too have been cheated on...so I know from personal exprience it hurts! I am truly sorry to all those people who have had a cheating partner..... I hope you are able to make the best decisions for you!

[reboot]

What made you stay? Nothing made me stay, she convinced me to stay.

 

Do you think it’s your fault he/she cheated? Absolutely not.

 

Are you afraid to be alone? Not at all.

[daisydufas22]

Thanks for your honest reply...... I appericate it!!!

 

Secondly, I am so sorry someone cheated on you......it's so unfair!!

 

She convinced you to stay but didn't you agree? The way I see it is we all have control over our decisions, so you agreed....am I missing something?

 

Do you regret staying? Sorry for the questions....I am seriously trying to understand this!

[reboot]

No, I don't regret staying. I don't know yet if the staying is forever, but I will never regret giving it a shot.

[abeliever]

I stayed thru multiple affairs. I am still asking myself "why"? It is true, I did love him. I didn't want to see that he my H did not love me the same way. It has taken me a long time to see it. I don't beat myself up. I knew when "I" got tired of his crap I would leave. So here I am at the end of my "marriage".

 

I really don't think there is a one answer. I stayed for other reasons too! My late GMA married us. She waited for me to get married and died knowing I was happy. (she was a mother to me) On her death bed she made me promise to never give up on my M. (ouch this still haunts me-sorry this is still real raw for me:lmao:) I wanted to honor my M even if he didn't. My grandparents was married 49 yrs! They would always tell us its not easy but always have your SO best interests at heart everything else falls into place! So I lived my M life that way. It took my mother telling me on the day I filed for our D (April 07) to yell at me and say hey " your GMA would not want you to hurt this bad and be subjected to diseases and constant humiliation"! I cried for 1 hour before filing for it. It will be the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I will NEVER forget that day. On one hand I had broken my promise to my beloved GMA and my vow (for better or worse). It will stick with me til the day I die.

 

To some people marriage is a stepping stone. I lived for my H and my M and he had a different agenda the whole time. I was just unaware of it. Lucky me! Will I go on and continue to live. You bet! What choice do I have. Failing is not an option for me. I just wish my M would have worked out. But I do know this. The person I married is not the person he is today. I grieve for the person I married. He was my best friend and my closest confidant. We lived together, worked together, and played and fun together! I hope somewhere down the line I will get another opportunity to meet a loving balanced individual who can match my passion for life.

 

That is what life is to me. Passion for the things that means the most to you.

 

I hope this helps you understand another point of view. Your lucky if your one of the ones who can just "walk away". I am not programed that way. I guess that is why we are all different. I am glad for that!

 

abeliever

[Tripper]

People stay for different reasons. Sometimes what you have in a marriage is better than what you won't have by leaving, despite the infidelity.

Also I'm not trying to sound moralistic or superior but others understand that mistakes are made and that there are those that regret and learn from the mistake and become better persons. Life is a learning process.

If you truly despise the cheater for his or her actions, then, of course, you have to leave.

Fear of being alone is usually a fear of those that don't like themselves. Unless you like yourself you can't be alone. And if that's the case how do you expect others to like you?? That's when you need to do the work through therapy. Just some rambling thoughts...

[cj1988]

Hellom thank you for your concern for all of us BS......I stay because my situation is very strange, Read my posts and you will see. My H has never admitted it, so if he did do this I am living with a total freak, BUT if he did not, I am a total freak. He has never been the type to cheat, needless to say with a family member....so I am damned if I do and damned if I do not !

 

 

I am getting really tired of the up and down, my GUT tells me he did something if even a n EA, but I will never know and I will be throwing away 13 years.....I am still trying to sort it all out and it has been a year next week. I am a LOT better now than I was even 2 months ago. So, as you see I take it one day at the time.

[Cobra_X30]

No, I don't regret staying. I don't know yet if the staying is forever, but I will never regret giving it a shot.

 

Well, I for one, wont forgive her!

 

What would make you change your mind now? Your 3 years deep into this?

[reboot]

How have I changed my mind? And after counting on my fingers, it's more like 2 1/2 years.

[confused39]

• What made you stay? I love him. And I'm not ready to give up on us. He's human...humans screw up. I'm hopeful that I can forgive him soon, and that it will all be a bad memory. But does that make me a glutton for punishment, when I could have just walked away and been over it by now??
  
• Do you think it’s your fault he/she cheated? Oh HECK no. Admittedly, it was a huge blow to my ego and my worth as a woman, but my fault? Not a chance.
  
• Are you afraid to be alone? Nope.

In your opinion, do cheaters EVER deserve second chances? Ever?

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess I am asking for those that were cheated on…..

• 1). What made you stay?
  
• 2). Do you think it’s your fault he/she cheated? Let me be the first to tell you ….. he/she would cheat on anyone! The cheater has the problem, not you!!
  
• 3). Are you afraid to be alone?

1). I was in love with her and we had a child.

2). Didn't think it was my fault but it did lead me to re-examine my role in the relationship.

3). Wasn't afraid to be alone but I was afraid of change - always a scary thing. I was afraid of being without my son.

 

It took my a while to figure out what is a common thread in many of these stories - cheating isn't the issue, cheating is a result of the issue. We divorced five years later...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bish]

What made you stay? Nothing made me stay, she convinced me to stay.

 

reboot....is she acting like a wife now? In other words, does she go out with "girlfriends" or out for drinks? Does she hang around male friends?

[burningman]

[

• What made you stay?
  
• Do you think it’s your fault he/she cheated? Let me be the first to tell you ….. he/she would cheat on anyone! The cheater has the problem, not you!!
  
• Are you afraid to be alone?]

1. Don't know if I will, she has to earn the trust back. But she has some personal issues that can be resolved, and it was a ONS in her case, not an affair. People make mistakes, and I love my wife. Throw away eight years over a ONS? That's a little hasty. There are a lot of factors

2. Nope. I know she has the problem or it wouldn't have happened.

3. Not at all, I've weighed how enjoyable and easy that would be. No more compromises, no more favors, no more sharing. Watch sports anytime I want.

[herenow]

Hello

[*]What made you stay?

[*]Do you think it’s your fault he/she cheated? Let me be the first to tell you ….. he/she would cheat on anyone! The cheater has the problem, not you!!

[*]Are you afraid to be alone?

 

1 - I kicked him out and he begged me to take him back, so I gave him a second chance. I'm glad I did. He had a problem and he was willing to do everything to fix himself and our marriage.

 

2 - No, his affair was his choice. I had nothing to do with it. It was all about him. He has taken 100% responsibility for his actions. He has never blamed me or the OW.

 

3 - No, I was alone and I knew I would be just fine if we got divorced. Being apart right after d-day gave me the strength and confidence I needed to be able to give my marriage a second chance knowing that it may not work out, but I would be able to move on and be happy. Once again, Im glad it did. I'm also glad that both of us worked to make our marriage better. I would never have gone back to the way it was before his affair.

[reboot]

reboot....is she acting like a wife now? In other words, does she go out with "girlfriends" or out for drinks? Does she hang around male friends?

Absolutely not. She doesn't even have any friends where we live now.

[bish]

Absolutely not. She doesn't even have any friends where we live now.

 

Thats good. Not that there is anything wrong with having friends and doing things with them, but I'm a big believer that going out and partying when you are married without your spouse is unacceptable.

And doing things like going out to a bar or for drinks with a friend of the opposite sex without your spouse is also a big no no.

[reboot]

Thats good. Not that there is anything wrong with having friends and doing things with them, but I'm a big believer that going out and partying when you are married without your spouse is unacceptable.

And doing things like going out to a bar or for drinks with a friend of the opposite sex without your spouse is also a big no no.

You'll get no argument from me on any of that.

[burningman]

Daisy, don't take this the wrong way. I may be misunderstanding you, but the way I'm reading your post is that you seem to believe that once the spouse gets "cheater" status.... that's it... bam, gone! See ya! No other option except separate ways.

**************

If you're that strong in your conviction please feel free to share how you came to be of that mindset because I would really like to know. (I'm not being a smart-a$$ either)

[BetrayedMM]

Ok, to answer your questions...

 

1. I really don't know yet exactly what I'm going to do... but if 'I' stay(she is the cheat, so why should I leave) it would be first because I love her, second, for the sake of the kids. However, if she doesn't start putting 100% into saving the marriage sometime soon, out the door she goes. There are limits to my patience.

 

2. Yes, I am aware that this is her problem, her fault, and her responsibility to fix. She will have to get to the root of the problem for her own sake eventually, or continue to live in chaos.

 

Part of her problem is that she's a rapid cycling bipolar, and I recently found out that promiscuity is actually a symptom of bipolar disorder. She will have to get on more effective meds, seek counciling, etc., again, for her own sake, and get this under control. If not, she will lose her husband, the respect of her entire extended family, the community, her home, at least some of her friends(the kids are still disgusted over her last A 7 years ago!), etc., and eventually most likely acquire HIV and other nice little diseases. Her choice to make.

 

3. I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm usually quite comfortable in my own skin. I don't look forward to... being without 'love', but I am aware that it would be a temporary situation. What bothers me more is a fear of the unknown- what if the 'next' one is even worse? I would have issues trusting anyone, and I guess sometimes the evil you know is less scary that the evil you don't know.

Frankly, I'm not convinced that there are any women out there who DON'T cheat eventually anyway. Oh, sure, they all pipe up and say "Oh no, not ME" when someone says that, but... who can you believe? It's like motorcycles- either you already wrecked, you are in the process of wrecking right now, or you will wreck.

THAT'S what scares me!

[bish]

Daisy, don't take this the wrong way. I may be misunderstanding you, but the way I'm reading your post is that you seem to believe that once the spouse gets "cheater" status.... that's it... bam, gone! See ya! No other option except separate ways.

**************

If you're that strong in your conviction please feel free to share how you came to be of that mindset because I would really like to know. (I'm not being a smart-a$$ either)

 

I am of this mindset. Cheaters don't deserve 2nd chances.

 

How did I come to this mindset? My Xwife cheated once during our engagement. I found out about it years later...forgave her...only to find out she cheated throughout the marriage. Funny how ppl come out of the woodwork to tell you the things she has done AFTER they find out you are getting divorced.

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Ya ya ..ppl can change....well I believe out of all the cheaters out there, there may be 2% that would never cheat again....I'm just not willing to stick around and find out if the someone that would cheat is in that 2%.

[4whatItsWorth]

Daisy, don't take this the wrong way. I may be misunderstanding you, but the way I'm reading your post is that you seem to believe that once the spouse gets "cheater" status.... that's it... bam, gone! See ya! No other option except separate ways.

**************

If you're that strong in your conviction please feel free to share how you came to be of that mindset because I would really like to know. (I'm not being a smart-a$$ either)

 

I'm of that mindset too...been there, done that. Cheating is an active choice, no "oops I tripped and fell onto the persons lips/hands/****"...and because it is an active choice, then I know they knew what they were doing and choose to do it - hence, the person who got cheated on deserved better. And cheaters should get no second chances.

 

HOWEVER...if it is a ONS then I could recommend trying to work on a marriage. But ongoing infidelity only proves the person choose to the wrong things for long enough to know EXACTLY what they were doing and that it was gonna hurt the SO...(or am I contradicting myself here?)

[daisydufas22]

Daisy, don't take this the wrong way. I may be misunderstanding you, but the way I'm reading your post is that you seem to believe that once the spouse gets "cheater" status.... that's it... bam, gone! See ya! No other option except separate ways.

**************

If you're that strong in your conviction please feel free to share how you came to be of that mindset because I would really like to know. (I'm not being a smart-a$$ either)

 

 

When a person risks my sexual health, lies to all parties involved and whatever else happens when another person cheat....yep, that's it for me! No ifs buts or maybes........they are gone. Love has nothing to do with it. I can be hurt, feel like I am dying but NO WAY would that person be allowed back into my life. I know this sounds harsh but my best friend died from HIV..... contracted it from her husband who was cheating! She did not deserve that. That's what cheating can lead to.......

[Ocean-Blue]

Hello

I have been sitting here reading this webpage for a couple of hours. I hope that nothing I say offends anyone

 

Whilst reading these pages, I have seen that most of the members are loving, supportive and just generally fantastic people. However, I fail to understand why anyone of these people (I know this does NOT apply to everyone) would put up with a cheating partner. People, listen, if you have been cheated on don’t you know that you are worth more than that?

 

I don’t understand why anyone would stay with a cheat. Some say it’s for love…..I say love has nothing to do with it if the person cannot treat you or himself/herself with respect.

 

I really hope this has not offended anyone.

 

I guess I am asking for those that were cheated on…..

• What made you stay?
  
• Do you think it’s your fault he/she cheated? Let me be the first to tell you ….. he/she would cheat on anyone! The cheater has the problem, not you!!
  
• Are you afraid to be alone?

I am just trying to understand, as I think most of you are amazing people and I cannot believe such fantastic people would lower their standards of how they should be treated!

 

I too have been cheated on...so I know from personal exprience it hurts! I am truly sorry to all those people who have had a cheating partner..... I hope you are able to make the best decisions for you!

 

I have not been cheated on nor have I cheated on anyone. I do, however, have friends who've experienced it (both at the receiving and giving end).

 

Based on what I've seen and heard, the phrase, "once a cheater, always a cheater" does not hold true for everyone. People make mistakes and they CAN change. It is a possibility. I personally think it's not very probable (this change), but it does happen.

 

My two girlfriends that did stay have gone on to leave very happy, fulfilling marriages with their partners (both men are my friends). It wasn't easy for either couple...but somehow, they managed to weather the storm in their own ways.

 

I also have friends who are cheated on and turn a blind eye (one in particular comes to mind). I don't know why this particular friend puts up with her fiance's cheating. People have tried to warn her about his wandering ways, but she refuses to listen. She'd rather turn a blind eye than face the harsh reality that is her relationship.

 

Some stay with a cheater out of respect for the vows they've taken (or for the maintenance of appearances or to avoid the cultural/social stigma that comes with divorce in certain circles). These reasons, I don't get nor condone. I think they're silly...but hey, they're not my decisions to make. Who am I to judge?

 

While I have my personal views on cheaters and cheating...I don't know how I'd react if I found myself in such a situation. Maybe I'd walk, maybe I wouldn't. It all depends on context, the amount of emotions invested and the involvement of others (family, children, etc). Nothing is ever cut and dry.

[burningman]

Daisy, thanks for sharing. Your experience surely supports your perspective.