I'm Not Getting There

[marty]

Hi all,

 

I seem to be getting worse , not better.

 

Most now think i should be well over this, but they all think its about my break up, when now its more about me.

 

Sure my break up hit me hard, and although it wasnt a healthy relationship, i loved/love her dearly, you cant help who you fall in love with. It was never gonna work,, an unhappy codependant guy who meets an emotionally immature girl (i cant say woman even though she was 31), with alot of attention issues and mind games.

I did everything i possibly could for her, but looking back, i wasnt her partner, more her therapist.....and now she's gone,, its me who's the wreck!! But i can say from the bottom of my heart , i've never loved anyone like that. I really did love her.

 

But i've had a really good look at myself recently, and i dont know what to do. I'm at a place in my life where i have never felt so low, for so long.

I guess she was my last chance of 'happiness', knowing deep down that she was never gonna be able to do that, and that i'm gonna have to face up to my life.

 

I havent been happy for so so long, pleasing others before me, doing whats expected and taking the easy road just for some peace. Being the 'baby' of the family even at 35, it feels like im always in the spotlight. Cant even take some time off work without a public enquiry. Feels like i cant move without everyone wanting to know where and why.

 

Working for family, i dont feel like i've 'made it on my own'. And its been so long now that i dont even know what i want. At the moment, not too bothered about life at all. Sounds terrible i know, but it really is how i feel.

 

It feels like the last 30 odd years have been a waste. My own upbringing stopping me doing things i really wanted to do. I dont have a bad life,,, a job , a house, a car,,,,, but no happiness. No one knows, but i'm in tears most nights, especially laying in bed. Used to get up, put the happy face on,, go to work and keep going. But i cant anymore.

 

I'd give it all up to be happy, i just dont know how to even start.

 

Thanks for letting me vent,,,,,,, again.

[coath]

i know how you feel im much the same we have just got to keep going , every day i get up and go to work for my little girl she will be my strengh through this ! keep you chin up

[Melovator]

It's time to figure out what YOU want. The only person in charge of your happiness is yourself. Similarly you can't MAKE other people happy- that's their own thing to work out. Tell your family "I need time off to myself, to figure out what I want to do." because its really sounds like you need it IMO. Take care.

[funkybassplayer]

Hey Marty, trust me you are well on the way to healing and growing as a person. This Woman would never have made you happy in the long run, and what your feeling now is just a sence that you failed her. You did your best, but now as time will move on, your awareness will improve, and you will soon be able to spot the sighns of that kind of woman from a mile away. By being there for her, that was making you feel good because of your co dependency, but thats an issue you must work on, to be yourself, and not to have that need to please to make you feel better about yourself. Thats when you will meet the righ one. You met her for a reason, and that was maybe to find yourself at this point in your life.

[bigheartkindsoul]

Marty

 

You say you go to bed and cry most nights, do you make yourself go out and have fun? If not why not? You will feel better if the load of over thinking is eased every now and again and you gain some relief by having a laugh and having some fun.

 

Force yourself too go out, you might not feel like it but when your out you'll be glad you did.

 

And remember that you have said that she was not the right person and it was neveer going to work. I know this doesn't stop the pain (in same boat) but I do always remind myself that no matter how much it hurts it is for the right reasons, my ex just was not good enough for me and WE would not have worked we just were not meant.

 

You need to start looking after yourself, also why do you not think about taking up a night class to further yourself and perhaps further your career also I think you will get alot of satisfaction from gaining a certificate or qualification in something.

 

Its not easy we all understand but like me we have to help ourselves.

 

{{{{hugs}}}}

[marty]

thanks for all your kind words.

 

bhks, its not that i havent tried, been out and did all those things, but most if not all of the friends i have are busy with their own families , or live far away.

living where i do, there is nothing to do, and i really do mean nothing. i've scoured the internet, local papers,etc for evening classes to join, courses,social things to meet new people , there is nothing. the only thing constructive at the moment is the gym. it doesnt help living in a depressed area i guess, and pretty much no self esteem at the moment.

 

maybe i need to relocate.

 

i certainly cant go on the way i have. its killing me.

 

i wish i could tell my family i need time away, but i get the guilt trip even when i'm ill and take time off,,had quite alot of time off in the past 2 months, told them its a stomach problem, when it isnt.

this all sounds like im ungrateful, i'm not, but i feel trapped in a way.

 

funky, your right. in someway i do feel i failed her. it takes alot for me to withdraw from someone, ALOT, but even with me being so co dependant and not wanting to be on my own,, i felt myself withdrawing from her.

we're not talking little annoyances here. everyone has to compromise, we're talking serious emotional issues, coupled with behaviours comparible to a young teen in alot of areas.

none of this really matters now, but it reminds how bad a state 'I' must have been in to try and deal with that on a day to day basis. Which in turn doesnt do your self esteem any favours.

even the way it was,,, i cant say to myself ,'its her loss'.

 

Somebody on LS said it comes down to,, 'I'm not good enough',

 

its how i've felt all my life.

[bigheartkindsoul]

Rented or bought property?

 

If the former then hey relocate, somewhere more happening and at least with some social life. Where abouts are you based now?

 

I think you'll find that the I'm not good enough comment was from me!! This is a deep imbeded problem from my childhood, on the surface most days I know I am and you should too. What about some self help books to help with your self esteem and confidence? The "FOR DUMMIES" series is quite good and avaliable on amazon. I have three of there books.

 

What have you got to lose but a few quid and a few hours??

 

xxx

 

 

 

 

thanks for all your kind words.

 

bhks, its not that i havent tried, been out and did all those things, but most if not all of the friends i have are busy with their own families , or live far away.

living where i do, there is nothing to do, and i really do mean nothing. i've scoured the internet, local papers,etc for evening classes to join, courses,social things to meet new people , there is nothing. the only thing constructive at the moment is the gym. it doesnt help living in a depressed area i guess, and pretty much no self esteem at the moment.

 

maybe i need to relocate.

 

i certainly cant go on the way i have. its killing me.

 

i wish i could tell my family i need time away, but i get the guilt trip even when i'm ill and take time off,,had quite alot of time off in the past 2 months, told them its a stomach problem, when it isnt.

this all sounds like im ungrateful, i'm not, but i feel trapped in a way.

 

funky, your right. in someway i do feel i failed her. it takes alot for me to withdraw from someone, ALOT, but even with me being so co dependant and not wanting to be on my own,, i felt myself withdrawing from her.

we're not talking little annoyances here. everyone has to compromise, we're talking serious emotional issues, coupled with behaviours comparible to a young teen in alot of areas.

none of this really matters now, but it reminds how bad a state 'I' must have been in to try and deal with that on a day to day basis. Which in turn doesnt do your self esteem any favours.

even the way it was,,, i cant say to myself ,'its her loss'.

 

Somebody on LS said it comes down to,, 'I'm not good enough',

 

its how i've felt all my life.

[marty]

i have a bought property in ayshire which i purchased for the two of us to settle down. the day after i got the keys, she basically ended it.

 

I'll check out those books. Never thought of the Dummies series. Thank you:o

[funkybassplayer]

you will be ok, i had a similar relationship, and as you know she had 3 kids that i got very attached to. Trust me i know how your feeling, but things will get better, and you will start looking for a new life again, its just a low patch of your life, but one that you will learn from, and look back to. dont think about xmas or the holidays, just take one step at the time.

[randuff]

Hi all,

 

I seem to be getting worse , not better.

 

Sure my break up hit me hard, and although it wasnt a healthy relationship, i loved/love her dearly, you cant help who you fall in love with. It was never gonna work,, an unhappy codependant guy who meets an emotionally immature girl with alot of attention issues and mind games.

I did everything i possibly could for her, but looking back, i wasnt her partner, more her therapist.....and now she's gone,, its ME who's the wreck!! But i can say from the bottom of my heart , i've never loved anyone like that. I really did love her.

 

I havent been happy for so so long, pleasing others before me, doing whats expected and taking the easy road just for some peace.

 

I dont have a bad life,,, a job , a house, a car,,,,, but no happiness. Used to get up, put the happy face on,, go to work and keep going. But i cant anymore.

 

I'd give it all up to be happy, i just dont know how to even start.

 

 

 

Did we date the same woman?!?!!??

 

OMG this sounds all too familiar. I mean to a T. They must be evil twins or something. The only difference is that I still talk to mine DAILY, and that just compunds the problem for me 10 fold but I don't know how to just let it go, realizing the fact that it is over and nothing will ever come of it.

 

Good luck! If anything works out for you please let me know because this nearly 6 month rut has taken it's toll on me and I am just wearing myself thin.

 

R

[bigheartkindsoul]

To me its nothing to do with male/female its seems its the dumpee that takes longer to recover but look at it this way

 

When a dumpee is left we think about all the good times and all the lovely things about this person, however over time these good thoughts may way for us remembering what we didn't like about our ex's, the bad times, the ***** they made us feel and how cruel they left us and we also heal.

 

When the dumper leaves, they are thinking about all the bad thoughts about the relationship however over time they are the ones who begin to remember the good times hence why they come crawling back alot of the time, but us being the dumpee's have moved on enough not to give a *****.

 

Now which position would you rather be in, cause I am looking forward to the day my ex comes crawling back and is feeling lonely (even if that never happens) cause I really don't care about him anymore.

 

Make your life great, get the fck them I'll show them attitude on (not too actually show them) but just to spur you on, to get things done and sorted.

 

Ok I am not 100% and I have blips (big ones sometimes I know!! ) however

 

I have got my @rse into gear about so much in my life, I work harder, I workout harder, I eat better, I am learning about myself and trying to sort out my issues, I look my best as much as I can, I make the most of my life by going out and having fun, etc.

 

Get the fck you attitude, worked for me anyway.

[marty]

the break up is only half of what i'm dealing with at the mo,,,, maybe not even half.

 

randuff: do you have to stay in contact with her? i.e is there kids involved or something other than just the two of you. i would try and distance yourself. in a way i was lucky, my ex is from Holland, so i have somewhat of a cleaner break. (i really think i would have lost the plot if she lived locally).

 

in terms of the Fk you attitude,, its a great attitude to have if as you say, your doing it for you and not just to show them,,,,, but i guess you need to be happy in at least some areas of your life to use that as a base.

 

i just feel i dont have a base on which to start. there's no self satisfaction there helping me say, yeah, i'm doing it.

 

i guess its gonna be a long road, with a lot of work. think i'm gonna have to choose one area and work on that , and not try and do everything together, its too much.

i think that a career change is the first thing to deal with, maybe then when i feel i'm doing it on my own, some self respect might come back.

 

please forgive my ranting, just trying to sort things out in my head:o

[bigheartkindsoul]

Hey hun you have things you need to work on, so do I and did I, I was not happy with my job when the ex left but I have made it into something really push myself and hey I am starting to write business now because I probably am showing a much better positive vibe instead of being arsy all the time! lol

 

But you have the basics, house, job, social, health, now you just need to build and grow these seeds that you have planted to make them blossom into something slendid.

[marty]

i do feel slightly more positive tonight.

 

it isnt gonna come to me is it. i'm gonna have to go get it.

 

taking risks and making changes isnt the way i'm programmed,, but my way doesnt seem to the right way anyway so,,,,

[bigheartkindsoul]

i do feel slightly more positive tonight.

 

it isnt gonna come to me is it. i'm gonna have to go get it.

 

taking risks and making changes isnt the way i'm programmed,, but my way doesnt seem to the right way anyway so,,,,

 

Little steps lead to big things.....you just do a little thing at a time you do not have to change everything all at once.

 

Do one small thing a day or everyother day...you can do it, I know you can

[marty]

xxxxxxx ((hug))

[randuff]

randuff: do you have to stay in contact with her? i.e is there kids involved or something other than just the two of you. i would try and distance yourself. in a way i was lucky, my ex is from Holland, so i have somewhat of a cleaner break. (i really think i would have lost the plot if she lived locally).

 

Nope... That's the kicker of it all. I have absolutely no reason to HAVE to stay in contact. We have a credit card together with 4k balance, half mine half hers that's in her name and her lease on her 4runner is in both names but she is really responsible when it comes to money so I worry not.

 

That said I get sucked in to her for some reason. She is moving forward and I seem to be stuck in a rut.... I am deserved of a person as nice and caring as I am but I just don't seem to want to make the effort :/

[sumdude]

Hey Marty,

I've found myself at times this year feeling that way too. Eight year relationship and a marriage that ended after less than two years with her moving out without warning. At some point you might feel your self esteem was tied to that relationship. I've also battled my own depression over life as well as that not good enough feeling.

 

What I've learned is that it is true .. happiness is something you create, it's never something that can come from the outside. Be it a woman, sex, possesions even career.

 

What I try to do is as soon as I wake up if I start thinking about those things that bring me down I force myself to change my thinking. I tell myself I will make today a good day. I will create a good life. Because no one or no thing is ever going to do it for me. ever.. learning it the hard way. Your family and your life have made who you are today. You have the power to make yourself who you want to be tomorrow. It's work, doesn't happen by itself.

 

You only have control over this moment right now.

 

The past is done, you can't change it.

 

The future arrives only because of what you do at this moment.

 

You do not need anyone's stamp of approval for the way you choose to live your life. (don't allow guilt trips to get to you)

 

I still have some bad days but overall... I'm seeing the sun shine again and the fact that life and the world is full of possibilities as long as I don't let my fears rule me.

 

Also, consider getting some counciling. There is no shame in getting help when you need it and don't let anyone tell you differently or make you feel shame.

[marty]

thanks sumdude,

 

some very warm, encouraging words.

 

when it comes to work and the family,, it seems you have to be half dead before its 'ok' to have some time off work. if they knew the truth it would just make me feel like i'm not strong enough.

not like they would say it directly, but you can tell, if you know what i mean. the 'sighs', and 'its really busy over here'.etc.

 

i know its gonna be hard, nothing in life worth getting is easy, i just need some time away from it, and maybe even them, to get my head straight.

[sedgwick]

Okay, now I'm thinking of the title "Self-Esteem for Dummies," and kinda laughing.