How to hold on loosely

[Starry-eyed]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months. He is a very confident, independent, intelligent, wise person; he’s mentally healthy and well-balanced and has been content with his life as a single man for a long time. I am recently divorced and have issues I’m working out and working on. I’ve learned that for most of my life I’ve been dependent on other people for validation and emotional support.

 

So, my bf wants me to be stronger, more independent, and more confident and stable. He doesn’t want to be the center of my world or the sole source of anything for me. I understand this and agree that it is healthy. It’s just new for me, and I’m struggling. I have to hold on loosely to him, and it’s hard. I feel hurt that he doesn’t call me in the evenings, doesn’t even care about talking to me every day. We work in the same building and spend weekends together, but often we don’t see each other or talk during the week. I know that I want more from him, more emotional closeness, and I don’t know how to tell if the closeness I want is truly dependency or whether it’s ok.

 

So if anyone has any suggestions for how I can hold on loosely and not cling too tightly yet also realize when my emotional needs are legitimate, that would be great. I know the common sense advice about going out with friends and occupying my time with things. I don’t have any friends, really, but I do visit with my family and know that I should take a class or something to continue developing myself as a person. I just haven’t found an good classes yet! But I did turn in a volunteer application at the local humane society today.

[Timberlane]

Do you have any interests outside of your relationship? If you don't, then start developing some. In fact, you need to have friends that you don't necessarily share with him. Go seek out old friends that you have probably neglected since you started seeing this guy. They probably miss you. Then start a social life on the side without him. You can mix it up of course, but just seek some company outside of the relationship. Brothers and sisters are also good for this since they are familiar and we tend to act like ourselves around them. Once you get a taste of what it is to be a little more independent, you'll feel less clingy.

[HarakIgia]

I so hear what you're going through. I used to feel similar. It's taken me a long time to say that I like who I am. I like and know that I have wonderful qualities and traits that are purely me:) We are all unique and have something to learn from one another. I agree with Timberlane on all the activities suggested. You can't rely on your BF to be everything for you. You should just compliment one another. Being clingy and such will only hurt the relationship and make you unattractive in his eyes. He obviously sees something special in you:) That's awesome!!! Feel secure in that. I think having something that's just yours is a must. I think taking a course in whatever you enjoy is a great place to start. You'll make new friends and also learn a skill. I also think you might want to read up on codepenency. I'm not sure that this is how you are or trying to suggest anything. But, look into it and see if you would benefit from reading more about it. It all helps. I wish you only the best!!! Enjoy getting to know who YOU are:) He'll only find you more and more attractive the more you find yourself and don't need him to reassure you. I think you can do it!!!

[Starry-eyed]

Do you have any interests outside of your relationship? If you don't, then start developing some. In fact, you need to have friends that you don't necessarily share with him. Go seek out old friends that you have probably neglected since you started seeing this guy. They probably miss you. Then start a social life on the side without him. You can mix it up of course, but just seek some company outside of the relationship. Brothers and sisters are also good for this since they are familiar and we tend to act like ourselves around them. Once you get a taste of what it is to be a little more independent, you'll feel less clingy.

 

 

Hi Timberlane,

 

Of course you are right. Those are the common-sense actions that I know, rationally, are what I should do. It is just harder to put them in practice. I don't really have "friends", except family, but I do try to cultivate a few friendships at work. It's not easy to meet people that I would want to have a social life with with, besides my bf, if you know what I mean.

 

 

I so hear what you're going through. I used to feel similar. It's taken me a long time to say that I like who I am. I like and know that I have wonderful qualities and traits that are purely me:) We are all unique and have something to learn from one another. I agree with Timberlane on all the activities suggested. You can't rely on your BF to be everything for you. You should just compliment one another. Being clingy and such will only hurt the relationship and make you unattractive in his eyes. He obviously sees something special in you:) That's awesome!!! Feel secure in that. I think having something that's just yours is a must. I think taking a course in whatever you enjoy is a great place to start. You'll make new friends and also learn a skill. I also think you might want to read up on codepenency. I'm not sure that this is how you are or trying to suggest anything. But, look into it and see if you would benefit from reading more about it. It all helps. I wish you only the best!!! Enjoy getting to know who YOU are:) He'll only find you more and more attractive the more you find yourself and don't need him to reassure you. I think you can do it!!!

 

Hi Harak, thank you for your kind words! Thank you for saying that my bf obviously sees something special in me! I try to remember that. I've had a few other people tell me the same thing and I really appreciate someone pointing that out for me since I don't naturally see it myself. And it's encouraging to hear that you have come to love yourself and your wonderful and unique qualities.

 

Yeah, I should look into codependency. He's the very antithesis of anything codependent or enabling and I really admire him and want to be more like him. I'm learning, but it still hurts me and I often feel lonely for him and wish that he wanted to talk to me and be with me as much as I want to talk and be with him.

 

Thank you guys for the encouragement.

[LovesDog]

I hear you. I am the type of girl that wants to spend every possible minute with the guy I am dating. I am struggling with the same need to occupy my time and try to get out of my lonely rut. I have found that I love my gym! Take a couple of classes after work during the week. You will look and feel better. It has made me look forward to something and I am making "friends" with the people in my classes. It's not that I would hang out with them anywhere else, but it is something that I have come to really enjoy. Another thing that is simple is to go to your library. Borrow books, movies, CDs on anything: travel, life, fiction. I find this is just a good way to occupy some time. I have really long lunches and go about 2-3x/month. I joined a bowling league. Don't laugh. The people can be really fun. Same thing with taking classes at a college, but you can't really use this as a social outlet since it is a lecture. I am thinking about taking an art class myself since it is something I've never tried. What else? Maybe get a pet if you don't have one (fish, cat, dog). You're boyfriend just wants you to have something of your own. This will also give you things to talk about other than work and things you do together. It will make him interested in what you've been up to! Good luck and thanks for your post. It makes me think on myself!!!

[Starry-eyed]

I hear you. I am the type of girl that wants to spend every possible minute with the guy I am dating. I am struggling with the same need to occupy my time and try to get out of my lonely rut. I have found that I love my gym! Take a couple of classes after work during the week. You will look and feel better. It has made me look forward to something and I am making "friends" with the people in my classes. It's not that I would hang out with them anywhere else, but it is something that I have come to really enjoy. Another thing that is simple is to go to your library. Borrow books, movies, CDs on anything: travel, life, fiction. I find this is just a good way to occupy some time. I have really long lunches and go about 2-3x/month. I joined a bowling league. Don't laugh. The people can be really fun. Same thing with taking classes at a college, but you can't really use this as a social outlet since it is a lecture. I am thinking about taking an art class myself since it is something I've never tried. What else? Maybe get a pet if you don't have one (fish, cat, dog). You're boyfriend just wants you to have something of your own. This will also give you things to talk about other than work and things you do together. It will make him interested in what you've been up to! Good luck and thanks for your post. It makes me think on myself!!!

 

Hi LovesDog,

 

The gym would certainly be a healthy idea! I haven't wanted to spend the money on a membership because I'm on a bit of a tight budget, but maybe I should at least consider it again. That's great that you are enjoying your classes and the bowling league! I would love to have a pet but live in an apt and am not home enough. Although lately, the past couple of days, I've been really wondering if it would help me to have a pet, maybe I wouldn't feel so alone and lonely in my apartment and I'd have someone else to hug and kiss (besides my bf since he's not around except for weekends). It's nice to know I'm not alone in wanting more closeness or time with a bf.

 

It's just hard not to wonder, why doesn't he want to talk every day? Or every other day? Just to say hi and what's going on?

[4givrnt4gtr]

 

It's just hard not to wonder, why doesn't he want to talk every day? Or every other day? Just to say hi and what's going on?

 

Hmm i often think about that too regarding my boyfriend sometimes, and, im not gonna lie, sometimes i get hurt because I feel that if he liked me enough surely he would want to spend as much of his spare time with me...but then i realize im a. a girl, and girls like more emotional closeness in general than men, b. a bit insecured

 

I know its hard (believe me...i KNOW) but the best and bassically only thing you can do is sorta pretend ur still single, do whatever u used to do when u didnt have him. It makes it easier than just stay home thinking about him and how much you wish he would call.

 

Apparently you and I both happened upon very independent men. Figures, two clingy girls end up with two independent men

 

GOod luck!

[wizer]

I hear you. I am the type of girl that wants to spend every possible minute with the guy I am dating.

 

You don't want to do that. My present GF is very clingy, calls me all the time, and wants to see me every day. Guys like to chase.

 

Check out the book, "Why Men Love Bitches". Do a Google search or check Amazon.com.

 

My GF had this book with her one day; she was given it by a friend who knows the way she has been with guys in the past. I started reading it, and I told her that the book talks about all the things I had been saying to her. About calling too much, making herself too available. Guys want the thrill of the chase!

 

Here's an analogy I thought of that describes it well, I think.

 

A guy will go hunting with his buddies in search of a deer. He might spend a few days or even a week in the woods. Trekking through snow, sleet, wind. Sticking it out through cold nights, lousy food, all to try to bag a deer. Even if he never gets a deer, he had a great time with the chase. If he catches the deer, he will bring it home, mount the head over his fireplace, and he will be proud of his achievements.

 

But if you were to drop a dead deer on this guys doorstep and ring the bell, he'd open the door, look down and say, "who the **** put a dead deer on my doorstep?".

 

You get it?

[Starry-eyed]

Hmm i often think about that too regarding my boyfriend sometimes, and, im not gonna lie, sometimes i get hurt because I feel that if he liked me enough surely he would want to spend as much of his spare time with me...but then i realize im a. a girl, and girls like more emotional closeness in general than men, b. a bit insecured

 

I know its hard (believe me...i KNOW) but the best and bassically only thing you can do is sorta pretend ur still single, do whatever u used to do when u didnt have him. It makes it easier than just stay home thinking about him and how much you wish he would call.

 

Apparently you and I both happened upon very independent men. Figures, two clingy girls end up with two independent men

 

GOod luck!

 

Hi 4gvr,

 

Oh, so you're like me? Hah, isn't it funny/sad that we had to fall for the independent types? You're right about pretending you're still single. That's kinda what I've been thinking and telling myself lately. The thing is, as a single person, I didn't do much except take care of the dog I had at the time and stay at home! So I don't want to fall into that slug trap again (well, I don't have any pets anymore anyway so don't have to worry about living life around my dog).

 

How often do you see or talk to your bf and how long have you been going out?

 

 

You don't want to do that. My present GF is very clingy, calls me all the time, and wants to see me every day. Guys like to chase.

 

Check out the book, "Why Men Love Bitches". Do a Google search or check Amazon.com.

 

My GF had this book with her one day; she was given it by a friend who knows the way she has been with guys in the past. I started reading it, and I told her that the book talks about all the things I had been saying to her. About calling too much, making herself too available. Guys want the thrill of the chase!

 

Here's an analogy I thought of that describes it well, I think.

 

A guy will go hunting with his buddies in search of a deer. He might spend a few days or even a week in the woods. Trekking through snow, sleet, wind. Sticking it out through cold nights, lousy food, all to try to bag a deer. Even if he never gets a deer, he had a great time with the chase. If he catches the deer, he will bring it home, mount the head over his fireplace, and he will be proud of his achievements.

 

But if you were to drop a dead deer on this guys doorstep and ring the bell, he'd open the door, look down and say, "who the **** put a dead deer on my doorstep?".

 

You get it?

 

I get what you're saying, but to me that is playing a game, and I'd hope after 6 months I wouldn't have to play games anymore. Is that naive? I work hard not to be clingy and not to tell him how much I miss him or wish we talked/saw each other every day. But we had a big talk about it over the weekend and I'm still getting over the hurt.

 

If your gf is too clingy, why do you stay with her?

 

I've been admitting to myself today that it is ok to feel hurt inside by my bf (instead of denying it or my feelings to myself) and that that's ok, and I will get over it, and I will be stronger. I think it's helping.

[Timberlane]

I really prefer to date women that are social and have friends outside of our relationship. So when I am off doing the same thing, they are getting together with their friends. It is also nice to spend an evening home alone once in a while, too, especially if you live together.

[wizer]

I get what you're saying, but to me that is playing a game, and I'd hope after 6 months I wouldn't have to play games anymore. Is that naive? I work hard not to be clingy and not to tell him how much I miss him or wish we talked/saw each other every day. But we had a big talk about it over the weekend and I'm still getting over the hurt.

 

If your gf is too clingy, why do you stay with her?

 

 

Well, you're right that it's sort of like playing a game, and who plays games in a relationship after 6 months...but it's not a game as much as it is giving each other some space so you don't burn each other out. Clinginess can get tiring, and smother a spark faster than anything.

 

Why do I stay in my relationship with a clingy GF? That's the million dollar question. I do it despite the fact that she's clingy, not because of it. It will probably eventually not work out and that has a lot to do with it, but for now, she's meeting my needs...maybe its a cop out answer but it's all i got for now.

[Trialbyfire]

When people are not ready for a mature, long-term relationship, they continue to game each other.

 

In an immature or uncommitted relationship, one party always withdraws when the other party clings. Of course this makes the other party cling more because they feel the withdrawal.

 

Sit your b/f down and ask him where he sees this going. If he sees it going in a forward direction, potentially, he'll meet you halfway. Maybe get together more often or at minimum, chat more often. Of course you will have to back off a bit too but you might find yourself doing it naturally when you feel he's trying.

 

If your b/f simply wants status quo and is unwilling to compromise, you'll have to decide if it's what you're willing to put up with or not.

 

No matter what, more interests and hobbies are in order for you, of which, one is volunteering with an animal shelter. You go, Starry-eyed!!

[lonelybird]

maybe every woman would struggle with this sooner or later. if you love someone, you want to be around them; but maybe this is different from when you feel terribly down because he isn't being with you. when I dated my ldr ex I found out that searching something new and learning something new that can really draw your passion will lessen this kind of down-feeling, such as what is your dream when you were an kid, to be a musican, a painter, a dancer...?. where your dream is there are your talents exist, this passion will ocuppy your mind and make you feel fulfilled, anyway a person's whole life is about learning. and also my faith lead me not to worry too much, I used to be a wreck who worry everything.

 

anyway you are not alone. oh, when your passion for your dream and content about life in general balance this situation, you will naturally know if you want him or not

[wizer]

When people are not ready for a mature, long-term relationship, they continue to game each other.

 

In an immature or uncommitted relationship, one party always withdraws when the other party clings. Of course this makes the other party cling more because they feel the withdrawal.

 

That's fair. It's reasonable to say I'm in one of those.

[Trialbyfire]

That's fair. It's reasonable to say I'm in one of those.

I honestly wasn't pointing at your relationship although the discussion about gaming was a result of your initial post.

[wizer]

I honestly wasn't pointing at your relationship although the discussion about gaming was a result of your initial post.

 

I must have a guilty conscience.

[Starry-eyed]

Well, you're right that it's sort of like playing a game, and who plays games in a relationship after 6 months...but it's not a game as much as it is giving each other some space so you don't burn each other out. Clinginess can get tiring, and smother a spark faster than anything.

 

Why do I stay in my relationship with a clingy GF? That's the million dollar question. I do it despite the fact that she's clingy, not because of it. It will probably eventually not work out and that has a lot to do with it, but for now, she's meeting my needs...maybe its a cop out answer but it's all i got for now.

 

 

Yeah, I understand the idea of space, definitely. I need it, too. Nobody wants to feel smothered. I just want to feel wanted. But, that's my own esteem issue and not his to fix, I realize that. Wizer, does your gf know how much her calling all the time and general clingyness bothers you? Does she try to cut back?

 

Sit your b/f down and ask him where he sees this going. If he sees it going in a forward direction, potentially, he'll meet you halfway. Maybe get together more often or at minimum, chat more often. Of course you will have to back off a bit too but you might find yourself doing it naturally when you feel he's trying.

 

 

Wow, that is so funny that you say that, TBF. We did have a big talk over the weekend. He says he wants our relationship to keep developing and he wants me to become a more confident person, less reliant on support from others, more independent. I had asked him if we could talk more during the week. But after our big talk, I was kinda feeling rejected and trying to think of myself as single and realize that I was hurt but that it was ok and it would heal.

 

So, yesterday at work he gave me a quick call, and then he called me last night. So, he is trying, and I totally appreciate that. I didn't talk to him though (at night) because...I guess I was sort of gaming him, or just not wanting to be available for one time (he had left a message on my phone).

 

And thanks for the encouragement about new things!

 

maybe every woman would struggle with this sooner or later. if you love someone, you want to be around them; but maybe this is different from when you feel terribly down because he isn't being with you. when I dated my ldr ex I found out that searching something new and learning something new that can really draw your passion will lessen this kind of down-feeling, such as what is your dream when you were an kid, to be a musican, a painter, a dancer...?. where your dream is there are your talents exist, this passion will ocuppy your mind and make you feel fulfilled, anyway a person's whole life is about learning. and also my faith lead me not to worry too much, I used to be a wreck who worry everything.

 

anyway you are not alone. oh, when your passion for your dream and content about life in general balance this situation, you will naturally know if you want him or not

 

 

Thanks, lonelybird. I am making an effort to get other things in my life, but it isn't alway easy and doesn't happen overnight. First you have to find something you're genuinely interested in!

[lino]

You really do need to make some friends, it's very important.

[dropdeadlegs]

Starry-eyed,

 

I'm so impressed with your continued efforts to make truly positive changes in your life. It isn't easy to overcome long term ideas and the resulting actions, yet you keep up the good, hard work. Take pride in that!

 

At 6 months your relationship is still growing and "finding" itself. It may take many more months to settle in to what can be identified as "the long haul." You two have discussions and seem to communicate well, even when the message isn't always what you want to hear. That's a big asset in your bankable future.

 

As long as your BF listens and hears your concerns, and tries to alleviate them through discussion or compromise, I think you will benefit from a certain amount of distance overall. Still, knowing when your needs are legitimate or due to past learned behaviors is difficult to assess from outside the relationship. I wish I had some concrete answers for you here.

 

Emotional closeness is something most of us need. Maybe thinking of this in terms of quality, versus quantity, would help. If the time you do share is fully meeting your needs, the time apart often seems more bearable. It also sustains an anticipation factor that is easily lost early in a relationship.

 

Tempering his need for space with your need for closeness may be difficult, but I honestly think that you have the tools to know when that space is too much for you. Listen to your heart and your head, and you won't go wrong. Giving too much credence to either (keyword: balance) is where I often create mishaps.

 

As for friends, I agree that they are important, yet I have few myself. When friends have families and jobs it is hard to find weekday time (especially for women) to spend together, and you have stated that weekends are when your BF is more available to you. Establishing interests that can be achieved solo has been very important for me. I like movies, and many are not of the common population's interest. I like crossword puzzles, hard ones that often take me days to complete. I would like to learn a foreign language or two. I enjoy museums and art exhibits. None of these interest my BF (except for movies, but our tastes are pretty different and he often falls asleep watching one of my choice. Subtitles are off limits.) I also enjoy home improvement and decorating on a dime. He likes to watch "Cops" and "American Chopper." I prefer "Heroes" and "Lost." So, even though we now cohabit, we still spend a fair amount of time "on our own" and find that we can balance it with a good bit of together time.

 

Give yourself and your relationship some more adjustment time, and see how it plays out. Don't deny your needs, or his, and you will know if it's time to drag up or not. Trust yourself.

[dropdeadlegs]

One more thing. I used to have some real issues in this area, myself. I think what has made a positive difference for me is "feeling" that I am loved and wanted. In the past I have "known" it, yet didn't "feel" it. Feeling truly loved and appreciated for everything I bring to the relationship has made me much less clingy.

 

That took time, though. I think about 12-18 months. I needed that time to let go of insecurities as well as experience compatibility and believe it wasn't going to be pulled out from under me like the proverbial rug.

[Starry-eyed]

DDL, I appreciate your posts so much! Thank you for taking the time to respond in such a personal and thoughtful way. I hope some day I can do the same in return.

 

I am trying to improve myself, it's true, but I'm certainly at a low point right now. Many nights I come home and just lay on my bed and cry. I've also been very unhealthy in my eating, either binging, or binging and purging. It's like something that distracts me from my loneliness. I know it's unhealthy and awful. I just can't seem to stop right now and I feel fat.

 

You're right that my bf is open to me and we have pretty good communication, even if sometimes it takes a while. And he does listen and hear my concerns. He knows I have a pattern of emotional dependency; maybe if I didn't have that, we'd talk more during the week.

 

I just really appreciate your comments, and everyone's. I feel miserable tonight but I know it will pass and things will get better. But for the first time ever, I am dreading tomorrow (Thanksgiving).

 

Oh yeah, I'm thinking of taking a class, maybe learn a foreign language, I think German

[Starry-eyed]

Ooops, my laptop wigged out and crashed so my post was left hanging!

 

I also think a pottery class could be fun. I guess adjusting is just going to take more time and, even though it hurts me that he doesn't want to be with me more or spend more time with me, I feel it's "right" and think it will help me be a stronger person. But it still hurts.

[a-sweetart]

As difficult and painful as the situation may feel, what your bf is doing is what's best for you right now. My boyfriend did the same to me. And only now that I don't feel the NEED to cling to him is he stepping up and doing all the things I had wanted him to do for so long. He never wanted to feel like he "HAD" to call everyday. And now that I do not need that nor expect it, he wants to, and does. And I appreciate it more than I would have before.

 

It took time for me to gain my confidence and for me to make things happen in my life. And getting out there and being active was the best thing for me and for us. When you have lots to talk about, and lots of things happening in your life it only increases how interesting and attractive you are. It makes him feel like there are things happening in your life that he may want to be apart of. If you have nothing going on, then it may seem like you are trying to latch onto his life and trying to live just through what he has going on. Both people have to have something to offer and to share with the other.

 

I had to remind myslef all the time that he is still in your life, and it is because he wants to be. If he didn't want it, he is strong enough to walk away. And he hasn't yet.

[Starry-eyed]

As difficult and painful as the situation may feel, what your bf is doing is what's best for you right now. My boyfriend did the same to me. And only now that I don't feel the NEED to cling to him is he stepping up and doing all the things I had wanted him to do for so long. He never wanted to feel like he "HAD" to call everyday. And now that I do not need that nor expect it, he wants to, and does. And I appreciate it more than I would have before.

 

Yes, I totally agree. I don't want him to feel obligated or like he "has to" do any of those things. We both should do them because we want to, and knowing that if we don't talk to each other, it doesn't mean one person is not interested or we're not thinking about each other. I'm glad to know that you went through this, too, and grew stronger and it "worked."

 

It took time for me to gain my confidence and for me to make things happen in my life. And getting out there and being active was the best thing for me and for us. When you have lots to talk about, and lots of things happening in your life it only increases how interesting and attractive you are. It makes him feel like there are things happening in your life that he may want to be apart of. If you have nothing going on, then it may seem like you are trying to latch onto his life and trying to live just through what he has going on. Both people have to have something to offer and to share with the other.

 

I'm working on it!

 

I had to remind myslef all the time that he is still in your life, and it is because he wants to be. If he didn't want it, he is strong enough to walk away. And he hasn't yet.

 

Yes, thank you! I remind myself of this, too, and I actually do really believe it, at least intellectually. It helps so much to talk about this here and to find out there are people who understand and who have been there (as well as the opinions of folks like Wizer ).