shadowplay Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I saw my bf again this weekend. We had a fun time and he was very affectionate, but disturbing doubts crept into my head. It started on Saturday night when we went to visit his best friend (let's call him Eric) at Eric's apartment. We sat in Eric's room and played boggle and scrabble, drank a bit and listened to music. What I found disturbing is I felt more of a connection with Eric than I did with my boyfriend. Eric asked me a lot of questions about myself (something my boyfriend rarely does, but he never seems to take much of an interest in other people). There was one moment in particular that struck me. Eric asked me if I have any siblings and when I told him I had an older brother he asked me my brother's name. It occurred to me that my bf doesn't even know my brother's name because he's never asked, while this guy I barely know asked me within a few minutes of interaction. Eric asked me if I'd like to join him smoking some weed and I accepted. We sat together on his bed next to the window, while my bf stayed on the other side of the room contemplating his next scrabble move (my bf doesn't smoke). Eric asked me what some of my favorite movies and music groups are, and we discovered we share very similar tastes. My boyfriend doesn't have bad taste, but his musical/cinematic knowledge is limited so that's not something we can really appreciate together. Eric laughed over to my bf "see Shadowplay and I are bonding over marijuana and movies." When I told Eric I liked Leonard Cohen he promised he would rip one of his favorite Leonard Cohen cds for me. He ripped the cd for me as promised before I left. I got the sense we made this unspoken connection. Something in the prolonged eye contact and body language. There were a few times when we were passing the lighter between us and our fingers touched a second more than necessary. On the way back in the car I found myself fantasizing about Eric. I guess the main thing is he seems a lot more attentive and emotionally available than my bf. I felt more of an instantaneous connection with him while it took months to develop that kind of bond with my bf. Not that Eric is problem free - he has substance abuse problems and never went to college despite the fact that he's extremely bright (he's 23). Eric invited us over again the next night but we declined (partly because I was worried about my feelings for him). Although I know I could never bring myself to actually cheat, I'm disturbed by the fact that I even felt momentarily tempted. Does this mean I don't love my boyfriend? Or is it just a way of protecting myself from getting hurt?
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I'd say: Your boyfriend is out and Eric is way in.....
Dynamo Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I'd say: Your boyfriend is out and Eric is way in..... I'd say this as well. If you don't feel an emotional bond anymore between your boyfriend, why keep him? It's unfair to him if you keep pulling him along on a chain when you don't feel anything for him but he still feels it for you. It seems like Eric is more your type anyways.
BlueEyedGirl Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 When you think of not being with your boyfriend anymore how do you feel? Releived, sad, both?
spookie Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Hm. I dunno. You have to be careful here. I am sure that your boyfriend has qualities that draw you to him that other guys don't. Sometimes it's hard to appreciate those qualities when you meet someone else you have sparks with. Your situation overall reminds me of the one I had with my exbf. I loved him tremendously 70% of the time and the other 30% I had doubts - doubts that I could find someone with whom i had more sparks whenever I came across those people, doubts that he'd hurt me, that he wasn't as "into" me as necessary. In the end I helped kill the relationship with those doubts. But now - now that it's been more than half a year since we spoke, and I have a lot more expereince under my belt (he was my first real R) - there is no doubt in my mind how much I loved him. And how much he loved me. I'm just saying. Don't take everything for granted.
Author shadowplay Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 Spookie, I'm not sure why I feel this way. I think what it comes down to is I just don't feel truly loved by him on some level. I'm not sure why because he tells me he loves me all the time and shows it in his actions like making frequent long excursions to see me. But there's just something..missing. I feel like I never completely "have" him if that makes sense. It feels like he holds some part of himself back from me. He never feels completely present. With this guy, I felt an immediate connection. He seemed attentive and very present. The thing is I know it would never work with this other guy because of his alcohol problems. I really like his personality, but he's too self destructive. I'm reluctant to get involved with somebody like that. Plus, how ****ty would it be to leave my bf for his best friend. Do you guys think it would be wrong for me to hang out with this guy again even if my bf's there?
norajane Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I guess the main thing is he seems a lot more attentive and emotionally available than my bf. Attentive and emotionally available are not the same thing, nor are they even close. Many emotionally unavailable men are attentive, some are exceptionally attentive. Still doesn't mean they are actually open to loving someone. This guy paid attention to you, asked you questions, listened to you, shared some of your tastes. And you got the sense that there was some chemistry between you (pot can heighten that, of course). But none of that means he's able to care deeply for you, regardless of the connection you felt. It's possible, but you shouldn't feel as certain as you do that this was such a meaningful connection. Although I know I could never bring myself to actually cheat, I'm disturbed by the fact that I even felt momentarily tempted. Does this mean I don't love my boyfriend? Or is it just a way of protecting myself from getting hurt?It might not be either. It might just be that your head was turned by a charming flirty guy. If something feels missing with your bf, and this made you pay attention to that, then good. You should be paying attention to your concerns about your bf. And you should discuss those with him. But don't toss away your bf for a guy who would flirt with his friend's gf right under his nose.
fray718 Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Spookie, I'm not sure why I feel this way. I think what it comes down to is I just don't feel truly loved by him on some level. I'm not sure why because he tells me he loves me all the time and shows it in his actions like making frequent long excursions to see me. But there's just something..missing. I feel like I never completely "have" him if that makes sense. It feels like he holds some part of himself back from me. He never feels completely present. With this guy, I felt an immediate connection. He seemed attentive and very present. I know exactly what you mean! I was dating this guy and everyone is telling me he's good to me, etc but my guts tells me he's not that into me. But people kept telling me it's all just in my head so I kept dating him. But eventually, I discovered by gut feelings bout him were right.
Trialbyfire Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Attentive and emotionally available are not the same thing, nor are they even close. Many emotionally unavailable men are attentive, some are exceptionally attentive. Still doesn't mean they are actually open to loving someone. This guy paid attention to you, asked you questions, listened to you, shared some of your tastes. And you got the sense that there was some chemistry between you (pot can heighten that, of course). But none of that means he's able to care deeply for you, regardless of the connection you felt. It's possible, but you shouldn't feel as certain as you do that this was such a meaningful connection. It might not be either. It might just be that your head was turned by a charming flirty guy. If something feels missing with your bf, and this made you pay attention to that, then good. You should be paying attention to your concerns about your bf. And you should discuss those with him. But don't toss away your bf for a guy who would flirt with his friend's gf right under his nose. Shadowplay, pay attention to nj's post. The last thing you want to do is to move on from your b/f to a guy like this. He's working on his best friend's g/f. If you don't feel you want to stay with your b/f, that's your perogative, since you know him and we don't. Just don't do get involved with someone so close to the situation and of such low calibre.
Krytie TV Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Although I know I could never bring myself to actually cheat, I'm disturbed by the fact that I even felt momentarily tempted. Does this mean I don't love my boyfriend? Or is it just a way of protecting myself from getting hurt? All I could offer is that it would be very ****ed up of you to come between two friends. Don't be a "pass around" girl. Respect your b/fs friendships and don't go there. Find boys that aren't your bfs good friends.
mishy Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I got the sense we made this unspoken connection. Something in the prolonged eye contact and body language. There were a few times when we were passing the lighter between us and our fingers touched a second more than necessary. On the way back in the car I found myself fantasizing about Eric. :rolleyes:thats that weed there for you...................
oppath Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 :rolleyes:thats that weed there for you................... Are you sure you weren't fantasizing about nacho-cheesier doritos? 35% more cheesier! In all gest, it may mean a lot about your feelings for your bf, however, it could also be innocent. However, how does this fit in the general ambivalence them regarding your bf? It has been suggested that you are actively looking for reasons to breakup? Could it be your are actively creating reasons too? Is it possible that in your search for a problem, you latch on to any guy who gives you attention with any kind of connection and think "breakup"?
Starry-eyed Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Attentive and emotionally available are not the same thing, nor are they even close. Many emotionally unavailable men are attentive, some are exceptionally attentive. Still doesn't mean they are actually open to loving someone. So, so true. I feel this with my bf: he's attentive, but not so emotionally available. And it gets confusing for me. If something feels missing with your bf, and this made you pay attention to that, then good. You should be paying attention to your concerns about your bf. And you should discuss those with him. Shadowplay, you are right to listen to those doubts and feelings of something missing (IMO). It could be that your bf is great in many ways, but there is still something lacking. I mean, obviously, that is how it feels to you. Are you "settling" with this guy? Even if your current bf is not long-term material or someone you want to get serious/have a life with, going out with his best friend is a bad idea. At least wait until you've been broken up for a significant period of time! And also, if you already know he has a drinking prob, stay away. Have your eyes open. As far as hanging out with him again with your bf present, you could try it and see if your feeling and "connection" are the same under different circumstances (maybe drug-free).
Racquel Colette Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 I think you should do your bf a favor and dump him since your bf's not a pothead and Eric is. He deserves better (your bf that is.)
Author shadowplay Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 I think you should do your bf a favor and dump him since your bf's not a pothead and Eric is. He deserves better (your bf that is.) I'm not a pothead either. I smoke very rarely.
Poboy Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 wow , you get attention from some guy and you are questioning the relationship. we all meet nice new people in life but that does not mean we dump the older ones & especially we have made a relationship with over time. initially, everyone of nice and gives attention if you interest that person but its more of how the person is overtime & consistency. one meeting should not be a benchmark to judge and compare people & act on it.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted November 22, 2007 Posted November 22, 2007 I think you should do your bf a favor and dump him since your bf's not a pothead and Eric is. He deserves better (your bf that is.) Wow, how ignorant are you? Because she recounts smoking once you accuse her of being a pothead, and furthermore, say potheads don't deserve meaningful relationships? To be honest, I think it's the ignorant people don't deserve meaningful relationships. As for you, shadowplay, you've said before that you don't feel you have a deep emotional connection with your boyfriend--assuming he will not change (which seems likely), you need to ask yourself if this is a dealbreaker or not.
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