spookie Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I don't know what to do. I've lost count of how long it's been but instead of missing him less I miss him more. The more time that goes by the more I learn what I want and it is always what I failed to appreciate in him. I don't know whose fault it was, but I know that he did a lot of things that he wouldn't have done unless he loved me. Of course he also did a lot of things he wouldn't have done if he loved me, and that's what makes it confusing, but I feel like at the core we were so right for each other. And more importantly, there was real love there. I look around at my options, I look at other people's relationships, and all I want is what we had. Even if I can have just the lows, the lows that drove me so crazy - I've been through so much, seem so much since we ended it that I KNOW now I can handle it. His quirks woudln't even phase me now. But is it too late? Will I ever see him again? I am so scared that all I have left of him, all I have left of the person meant for me, that I loved more than I've ever loved anyone, are my quickly-fleeting memories. I don't even remember what his face looks like anymore, or the exact timber of his voice =(. His familiar face... where were the freckles, exactly? I have no idea. And that scares the **** out of me. I don't know what to do. Someone please advise me what to do. I've tried moving on but I really REALLY don't think I am ever going to find someone I can love more. And a lot of it was my fault, I know. And I've grown, I've changed so much.
Author spookie Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 Ok y'all... I am milimeters away from breaking NC. Should I do it? Why or why not?
MattyTee Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I am not going to say no but when I broke NC - it hurt a great deal
Author spookie Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 I am not going to say no but when I broke NC - it hurt a great deal Why did it hurt?
MattyTee Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Well Spookie, I was looking for understanding. I was looking for a way I could keep hoping. I thought at some point she would just say "Hey, it's all a mistake, I love you and I want you back". What I actually got was "I don't love you any more" and a whole bunch of stuff about how the relationship was bad for her and so on. I didn't want to believe it and that could have lead to me making contact again and pushing even more. I realised I was pushing her away. I suddenly realised that understanding wasn't important, acceptance was. She knows how to contact me and I need to look out for myself more than anyone else. I had to start caring about me When she said those things it hurt me ... a lot. It also helped me start to move away. So again, I won't say don't I shall only say that it hurt me when I did
Author spookie Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 Well Spookie, I was looking for understanding. I was looking for a way I could keep hoping. I thought at some point she would just say "Hey, it's all a mistake, I love you and I want you back". What I actually got was "I don't love you any more" and a whole bunch of stuff about how the relationship was bad for her and so on. I didn't want to believe it and that could have lead to me making contact again and pushing even more. I realised I was pushing her away. I suddenly realised that understanding wasn't important, acceptance was. She knows how to contact me and I need to look out for myself more than anyone else. I had to start caring about me When she said those things it hurt me ... a lot. It also helped me start to move away. So again, I won't say don't I shall only say that it hurt me when I did What I'm looking for is to let him know that I'm not angry and to be reassured that he isn't, either. That he doens't despise me so much as a person that he is totally closed to the possibility of a friendship, maybe not now, even, but sometime down the line. I am afraid that I will call and, after an awkward moment that will stretch out forever for me during which he comprehends who it is, he will shut down, be cold, refuse to say anything and instead of catching up like I want, he will force me to tears and off the phone. I truly have no idea which one I am more likely to get. The last time I saw him, he was telling me that he loved me. Every day for the first month we were away, he was calling me, telling me I was important to him, I was his best friend. And then.... it drove me crazy to the point that I told him to stop. And he did. And I have no idea, now, what he is feeling. If anything. He has likely moved on. And it's been long enough, now, to where I can safely say that I have changed. Sometimes I think past the point of recognition, but I still recognize the parts of me he would like. That are compatible with him, at the core.
spiggetywicks Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Shouldn't play games. He wanted to fix things it sounded like at the beginning, but you weren't feeling it. Then you told him to stop. So he did. Now you're left wondering. Next time don't hide your feelings.
Author spookie Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 Shouldn't play games. He wanted to fix things it sounded like at the beginning, but you weren't feeling it. Then you told him to stop. So he did. Now you're left wondering. Next time don't hide your feelings. I wasn't playing games. He didn't want to fix anything, he wanted to be just friends after dumping me and I couldn't handle it. Now enough time has passed to where I can.
MattyTee Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Spookie, no one apart from you can know if you can be friends with him now My ex wanted to, she told me without the drama of being my ex. That wasn't okay for me so I walked away. I very much doubt I can be friends with her in a very long time. I still love her and I didn't like the way she said the drama thing I think if you feel you are okay with not being with him - then friends is a possibility. If you aren't over him then friendship will be hard on you. It's not impossible but it will be hard on you I wish you the best with whatever you choose
Author spookie Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 I just don't understand how it's EVER going to possible to be *over* him I guess. I mean he was my best friend. In the boyish sense - we explored together, played. We slept together in a cave. And love at first sight - you may not believe it, but that's what it was for us. So I do. But the downside to that is, I don't believe it happens twice - so that was it for us. I got lucky enough to meet the right person, but I lost him.
Jmina Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 you didnt loose him he walked away. do not break NC you wont be able to handle it. it seems to be that any contact is painful. ive seen that sometimes LC is okay, but usually when you get to a certain stage. you still sound like your emotions are very raw and talking to him will make it worse, doesnt matter how long its been. just remember he walked away from you. he doesnt feel how you do. if one day he does he will come back, and you dont need to be in his life for him to realise. it is when you are away and he misses you that he would want you back. stay in nc for your sake. my soul mate walked away from me also, the love of my life. even though i miss her so, 6 months later - ive never been better because i used to it my benefit. i turned pain into strength and i disolved negative feelings before i got stuck in them. i cried when i needed to cry and i still will. i refuse to feel lonely because i know i have myself and i was and am kind to myself and others. same will happen to you if you let yourself grow from this and take it as a chance to make it all about you and become a strong open hearted woman. you cant understand how you will be over him yet but one day you will be much happier and you will realise that his feelings have changed and that is what matters now. the past is gone, it is what matters now and how we feel now. then you will find a way to move on. but till then stay strong keep posting Jmina
Author spookie Posted November 24, 2007 Author Posted November 24, 2007 Well. That day I was feeling weak I did end up calling him. But I used my friend's phone (so he wouldn't recognize the number and if he didn't pick up I'd know it wasn't cause he knew it was me). And he didn't pick up. Thank goodness for that. I asked myself exactly what I would say to him if he did, and it sounded completely pathetic in my head. What I wanted to know was, if we ran into each other in the street, would he talk to me? But what a dumb question. Right now, I wouldn't want to run into him in the street anyway - I'm feeling self-conscious for a whole load of reasons, and I know I'd come across that way. And when I'm *ready* to see him, which won't be anytime soon, I can just go where he goes and I'd have my answer. So that's the new plan. Work out like crazy, get a job, get some mental help. Move on for now, in short. And hope that when the time is right, meet again.
k10k Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 I asked myself exactly what I would say to him if he did, and it sounded completely pathetic in my head. What I wanted to know was, if we ran into each other in the street, would he talk to me? But what a dumb question. spookie, that made me chuckle, yes, it is a dumb question ! Isn't it so silly that we have these crazy thoughts/questions going through our head at times? I'm glad to hear you didn't end up speaking to him, I phoned my ex the other day and it didn't help in the slightest! - hopefully I've learnt my lesson now for once and for all. Glad to hear you've decided to work on yourself from now on.
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