base618 Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Quick background, married 14 months, trying to get pregnant 14 months, specialists, etc. wife devastated... emotional affair with co-worker, caught when I saw her phone. Promised to end it, checked her PC and didn't, promised again to end it. Last monday, as we were meeting at the counselor's office for MC, she was on the phone as she pulled into the parking lot. I remember thinking "I wonder if it's him".... on-line phone bill ready to view this morning, and yup... she was on the phone with him the whole drive from work to MC and constantly up until about week ago when it did appear to end. Before anyone tells me.... yes, I know it's over. I told her, begged her even, that if she was still talking to him, or wanted to be with him, just tell me and we would end all this pain we've been going through. She kept lying and saying she wasn't talking to him. Last Thursday, I told her I needed a break from everything and wanted to stay at a hotel until after she left on her business trip out of the country leaving sunday morning. We agreed no contact. So now, she is in the UK and expecting me to pick her up from the airport on Thursday night (Thanksgiving). So I have a MC session by myself tonight, and am waiting to see what she says, but part of me wants to email her and cc the OM and tell them, good luck, here's her flight #, pick her up, let her stay at your place, have a good life together, I'm filing for divorce, etc. The only reason for holding back is that she has been studying the last 3 months for a professional certification test which she just failed on Saturday. She had been putting off working on us until after the test. She called my sister over the weekend since we had a NC rule and was worried about me, etc. Left me a note saying how hard it was not talking to me etc. The other email I want to write is basically to tell her I know she lied again, if she still "doesn't know" what she wants, it's over, if she doesn't want to work on things, it's over, if she talks to him again, it's over, basically give her one more chance now that she's had time to think about stuff (long layovers and 9 hour flights) For 6 years together, part of me wants to at least let her come to an answer on her own, since right now she's out of her mind. On the other hand, I have not idea how it would ever work out. I guess my ? is, is there any downside to letting her come back and seeing how she feels after being away? Right now, I'm sure it's over, so there's not really any additional hurt that it would do.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I guess my ? is, is there any downside to letting her come back and seeing how she feels after being away? Right now, I'm sure it's over, so there's not really any additional hurt that it would do. The better question might be... "Is there an up-side to allowing her poor choices to be tolerated without consequence?"
reboot Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 The downside is opening yourself up for more hurt. You sound like you've already reached the point where you're ready to move on. Should you decide to try to salvage the marriage, you'll have to move back from that point. You'll have to make yourself vulnerable again. The upside is the possibility of saving a relationship that may very well be worth saving. You got married, there must have been something special there once, who's to say it can't be that way again? Which is the right way to go? No one here can tell you that. Does she deserve another chance? Probably not. But that's your choice, and you have the right to make that choice if you want to. You have the right to make either choice. You've earned that right. Good luck.
Crestfallen_KH Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I guess my ? is, is there any downside to letting her come back and seeing how she feels after being away? Right now, I'm sure it's over, so there's not really any additional hurt that it would do. ohhhh...no, no my friend. This is so not true at all. I've BEEN you. I know. And right now, you just aren't capable to thinking clearly. You probably feel eeriely calm - that's not because you are processing everything, it's because you're not. It's called shock. While you are in this state, please, please do not make any permanent decisions. I did what you did, too...I said "Well, it's over" and the next day I said "This is NOT over!!" You are just beginning to enter the emotional process that lays before you, even if you reconcile or not. I would strongly recommend against sending that e-mail. I'm not saying you should continue to work on your marriage - only you can decide that - but sending that e-mail would be childish and something you may regret when the shock starts to subside and the floodgates open.
writeon Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 The other email I want to write is basically to tell her I know she lied again, if she still "doesn't know" what she wants, it's over, if she doesn't want to work on things, it's over, if she talks to him again, it's over, basically give her one more chance now that she's had time to think about stuff (long layovers and 9 hour flights). You say you're sure it's over, but then you want to write her an email saying that if she talks to him one more time it's over. IMO it's not clear to you that it's over, even though you want it to be so you can stop being in so much pain. I don't think you should email her. I think that when she gets back you should sit down with her and be very honest. Tell her how much pain you are in, and that even though you love her and want to make your marriage work, you can't do it on your own, and you can't do it while she's having an EA. Tell her that you have access to the phone bills and email and that you can see when she and him are in contact, and that it tears you apart. Tell her what you wanted to tell her in the email, that she has to choose, right now. Tell her that if she wants to stay with you and stop hurting you, she must promise to never talk to him again, with the full knowledge that you will know if she talks to him and in that case, you will no longer be with her. If she seriously wants to remain married to you and stop hurting you, she will stop contacting him. If she doesn't know or she doesn't want that, then you need to make sure it's really over and start moving on without her. That is just my advice, I hope it helps and I am sorry you are going through this.
sderenzi Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I don't need to read this man, whatever it is your contemplating e-mailing is probably the easiest thing to do, just do it and stop worrying.
Author base618 Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 I just wanted to give an update, if this wasn't happenning to me I don't think I would believe it. So I got to the counselors early, and was looking at the phone bill, and the optimist in me said that for the last week of it, there were no calls to him, and maybe she stopped.... but, there was a new # with the same frequency. I called it from my car, and got "his" voicemail, either a new phone or she started calling a work cell phone or something. So in fact the calls never stopped. So here's where it gets interesting... about 3 minutes later, my phone rings, and it's my wife calling from the UK asking me if I just called 'him', because he sent her an instant message saying I just called. I told her, yes, I have the phone bill and I see that she's been lying for the past two weeks and never stopped calling, and it's over, you need to find a place to live, find a ride home from the airport, get out and get on with your life, the quicker I don't see you anymore the better off my life will be. Naturally, she lost it... it was only 5 minutes until the counselor meeting, so I had to go. Counselor cancelled all our future appointments and told me that I in fact, did know what I "needed to do". (you know it's bad when your MC tells you it's over) So she called me on the way home, and was a complete wreck. I'm sure it was just a ploy, but when she started talking about how she shouldn't come back and everyone would be happy if she were dead, etc, I pulled back from throwing her out (she tried once when she was younger to commit suicide, so I errored on the side of caution). Normally i wouldn't fall for that, but I've never heard her so desperate and so emotional, part of me did believe her. I am going to pick her up at the airport, but we don't know where it's going to go from here. She now swears she wants to see a counselor and make it work.... but she had that chance for the past 4 weeks and lied and spent her time talking to 'him'. I think I'm going to slowly let her find a place to stay and sell the house and end it. There's a 1,000 people who have said it before on here, and from an outsider position, things are so obvious, but it is so hard to let her go. The reason I keep trying is because when I look back, I want to make sure I gave everthing I had so that there would be no regrets. She emailed me this morning in an effort to start talking. It was the same old story. In my response, I was pretty harsh. I told her that I gave her 4 weeks of "space" that were hell on me, and she took the time to fantasize about being with and talking to "him". And that was no longer an option. If she wanted to work, really work, on things she could stay, otherwise she was leaving. I think it makes her mad that I've caught her 3 times lying about him. But I'm finally at the point now where I don't care that she's mad about what I'm doing. I've been so scared that I would do something wrong or say something wrong to end it... all along knowing that's not the way to be acting. Thanks for all the support here, it does help venting/listening to advice.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I think it makes her mad that I've caught her 3 times lying about him. She'll keep lying for as long as it still achieves her mindless little goals. Even if you somehow manage to pull this out of the ditch and she finally ends contact with the OM... she will continue to lie and manipulate you on other issues throughout the length of the marriage. Because... it WORKS. The ONLY way to change that dynamic is if she does the internal work to change it, so she finds out WHY she does it and she learns better coping methods to combat it. Showing up once or twice a month for marriage counseling is unlikely to do the trick. She's got to WANT to change bad enough she'll make it a priority in her life.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I think you should still throw her out, All thsoe tears was just a manipulation on her part to stay just a little while longer. Either she leaves you later for the OM when he's ready or she leaves you for someone else on her own accord. But one thing is for certain. You dont need the BS!! You need to get this OM out of her life permanently and if she isnt willing to oblige then divorce her. You dont need to be hurt and abused over her cheating ass! She aint worth it! She has to prove herself if she dont it's then over!
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