Phateless Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 CD111 - I think I would be intimidated to approach you as you probably have TONS of offers (in my eyes). I think you just may have to be the one who starts the conversations and makes sure to flirt. Once you're talking and flirting, if they think have a shot, they'll ask you out. That's all I can say. I often don't approach the really pretty girls unless they give me some signs (looking, smiling, eye contact/flirting, etc), because well... I'm insecure, I can admit it.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 In personal relationships- as in my friends or boyfriends-I would try to help that person to the best of my ability and hopefully they decided they need help too I asked that question, because your answer would show in some measure how you relate to others. In full honesty, I think you are very healthy in your approach! Probably more so than I. I noticed that you describe yourself in much the same way I do. I've recognized that one of the things I am attracted to is need! If someone is needy, insecure, weak, that can drive my attraction! Even though I know I would be better matched to someone like myself. Perhaps put some thought into that. Are you attracted to people that would need you? When they continue to be needy and fail to use or appreciate what you offer... does that drive you away? I realize I haven't found the right strong guy yet. It's just frustrating because I feel like alot of men are either afraid or intimidated by me. Or as many have suggested are not attracted to my personality. OUCH Mor than likely its a combination of the two. More the former than the latter though! I was struck earlier by the accusation of cheating remark. Is that something which has happened in more than one relationship? Do you find BF's often accuse you of cheating?
Trialbyfire Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Everyone needs to feel needed. I will share something that happened to me. All my life, I've never needed anyone beyond my parents and only when I was a child. In my discussion with this one guy, he felt like you did, that I should need people and that I should need him. I thought, okay, that makes sense, I can do this. I did it once. What a huge mistake. Instead of meeting my need at the time, his response bordered on arrogance. It's a vulnerable feeling to need someone and if you're not comfortable doing it, don't do it. With this one bad experience, I will never need anyone again or express a need. I will only want them to enrich my life and set my boundaries on my wants and desires.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Instead of meeting my need at the time, his response bordered on arrogance. It's a vulnerable feeling to need someone and if you're not comfortable doing it, don't do it. With this one bad experience, I will never need anyone again or express a need. I will only want them to enrich my life and set my boundaries on my wants and desires. TBF, This is a simple trust issue! I know because I cannot find away to put myself out like that. In order to need someone, you have to put yourself in thier hands to a degree, to provide them control over you. This takes trust. I dont have that for anyone. I've often thought that the strongest relationship would be when I can find someone that I can count on. Someone that I can need, and who needs me too. Maybe thats true for you also?
Kamille Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I will share something that happened to me. All my life, I've never needed anyone beyond my parents and only when I was a child. In my discussion with this one guy, he felt like you did, that I should need people and that I should need him. I thought, okay, that makes sense, I can do this. I did it once. What a huge mistake. Instead of meeting my need at the time, his response bordered on arrogance. It's a vulnerable feeling to need someone and if you're not comfortable doing it, don't do it. With this one bad experience, I will never need anyone again or express a need. I will only want them to enrich my life and set my boundaries on my wants and desires. What if you replaced the word need with rely? I know I can rely on my bf to want me to reach my best potential, to want me to be happy, etc. My life has improved so much since I've met him that in a way, yes, I think I needed him in my life. Certainly, I enjoy the feeling of feeling supported and cared for. In personal relationships- as in my friends or boyfriends-I would try to help that person to the best of my ability and hopefully they decided they need help too The word help has me wondering... I never felt like any of my exes needed my 'help'. That would have been a major turn-off for me. And if someone came into my life offering help, I might have perceived that as condescension. I mean, equals don't need to be 'helped' do they? Rather, I offer support and they offer me theirs. I find there is more freedom in support. They make the choices, I respect and support them.
stillafool Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 You almost sound perfect! I can't understand why guys aren't all over you. BTW, what do you look like? Is that the problem? One good thing you have so much going for you if you don't find a man you can surely take care of yourself. That's a big plus!
Trialbyfire Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 TBF, This is a simple trust issue! I know because I cannot find away to put myself out like that. In order to need someone, you have to put yourself in thier hands to a degree, to provide them control over you. This takes trust. I dont have that for anyone. I've often thought that the strongest relationship would be when I can find someone that I can count on. Someone that I can need, and who needs me too. Maybe thats true for you also? What if you replaced the word need with rely? I know I can rely on my bf to want me to reach my best potential, to want me to be happy, etc. My life has improved so much since I've met him that in a way, yes, I think I needed him in my life. Certainly, I enjoy the feeling of feeling supported and cared for. Both of you have similar points on this. Yes, it's about being reliable. The balance is that sometimes strong people draw weak people. It's learning to separate bravado/delusional people from real strength. The positive side to this incident was that it was a very small need and part of what helped me realize that this guy wasn't the one for me. If he was unreliable for something as insignificant as what I had asked for, which wouldn't have put him out anything, he was unreliable for the significant times in life, if there was a future. I chose to illustrate this point because the word "need" was brought into the thread and I wanted to add a cautionary about needing people, for the OP.
Author CD111 Posted November 19, 2007 Author Posted November 19, 2007 I have tried the don't make the first move approach and on numerous occasions have told myself I would never do it again. Because I would really like a guy to have the guts to ask me out. For some reason during, the last two relationships I have been in the guys ended up having personal issues that I didn't know about before and I was stuck in the middle. The ex ex, drinking/drugs/issues over being adopted. I was 19 and partied all the time, no heavy drugs though. So who was I to pass judgment when my bf drank a bit more then I did and did some choice drugs every once in a while. Well he hid the drug (coke) use very well and it was all the time not just once in a while and after I moved to school we only saw each other on weekends so I was out of the loop. Originally, he seemed like he was mature (he was 26) and in some ways he was, after two years I began to figure stuff out, yup I was young and naive, and realized I had things more together then he did. He treated me like crap and cheated on me with some chick he met in Vegas, I was done. The second guy, fast forward a few years. Everything was great until we moved to a different state for me to go to school. He didn't handle the move well, didn't make friends, got depressed. Relied on me to initiate any socializing we did. After the first year of school, I did my field work and wasn't home much of the summer. He totally didn't take care of himself (like didn't eat) because I was gone. Then when I got back and started school again and a new fellowship I got to pay for school. I needed him to help me out a bit at home, but he didn't. Getting him to do anything was like pulling teeth and I got pissed because all he was doing was working full time in a job the wasn't that demanding. I tried to support him and help him deal with his issues in the beginning but to no avail. After my school work started to suffer I got pissed. Believe me I have learned my lessons After the first guy I vowed never to date men that were numerous years older then me and in the same position as me in life because that time it just didn't work...LOL. I am not attracted to needy, insecure people at all actually it's a total turn-off. Everyone is a little insecure and that's what makes them not be cocky and egotistical. Both those guys did have some good things going for them and lots of potential. Somehow they got stuck in ruts and never got out and I wasn't going to let them drag me down with them. Someone mentioned cheating. UGH, yeah I have been accused of cheating numerously and never have. The last guy, thought I was sleeping with a friend in grad school because I was always working on projects late into the night with my friend. My friend and I had all the same classes and worked together on projects, plus he has a girlfriend and she is super cool. But that's what happens in school people have lab partners and work on project together late into the night. The guy before that, OMG thought I was sleeping with more then one of my male friends. Freaking ridiculous, I just really liked to hang out with them, but never had anything but platonic feeling about these guys. I was so sick of it. However, I will add some of those same guy friends had girl friends that accused them of sleeping with me. Haha those male friends and I still talk about it and laugh sometimes....talk about an insecure world. I would agree rely is a much better word then need. I don't need anyone either, but I definitely rely on people.
Kamille Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Have you ever dated anyone who was also in grad school?
Author CD111 Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 No, I haven't dated anyone that was also in grad school. stillafool, I don't think my physical appearance is a problem at all, in the do I look good enough category; however, I am tall so that alone intimidates guys that are shorter then me. Or, my ex who was not shorter, he was actually taller. He was 6 ft and I am 5'10. He asked me not to wear high heels because it made him insecure because I was taller then him when I did. I was only like an inch or two taller, most people probably won't notice anyway. WTF, I was sad and mad at the same time. Like I can change my height. Needless to say I wasn't going to change my wardrobe so I only wore flats, he would just have to deal. I laugh about it now.
Trialbyfire Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 It's great to be tall. I'm a shrimp at under 5'3". Wanna' give me some of your height? Guys do get insecure about their height. My Ex-H used to love being tall. He had good posture so he stood pretty tall at 6'3"+. I could run under his arm and the top of my head wouldn't touch it, when he stretched it out. It used to crack him up for some reason. Grrr...
Kamille Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 In your description of your past relationships you didn't state what it was that initially attracted you to your exes. What compelled you to ask them out. What qualities they had that drew you them. I am pointing this out because I have found that this was where I continuously made the wrong choices in the past. I had never thought about what to look for in a good partner, so I am curious to know how you choose the guys you approach, and why you approach those guys. So I guess I am asking you: what do you need in a partner? Who would be your ideal partner? Also, do you pay attention to signals guys send you to show that they might be interested?
Author CD111 Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 Why was I attracted to my previous bfs -ex #1, he was older then me, already graduated from college, he was smart, motivated, great at snowboarding and a coach at the freestyle hill. He was social, knew how to have a good time, his parents were really cool, physically he was very good looking, he was sort of a bad boy and I was really attracted to that also. He got into real estate while we were dating, he thought that would be his career. The whole bad boy thing got me in the end. LOL -ex #2, well after that experience I decided to head in the other direction. This guys wasn't as physically attractive, however he treated me well, he wasn't as social butterfly like the last guy, but could still have a good time at a party. He didn't lie, his parents were very nice, he was pretty awesome at mt. biking and also into motorcycles. It was so cool to see him ride, because he just went for it and to go for it a person has to be confident. I was really attracted to that. He was also a great mechanic. He worked hard, wasn't a slacker and I really felt I could trust him. Much of those things changed once we moved. Ideal partner, at this point I am looking for someone who is independent, can take care of themselves, is comfortable with who they are, mature, honest, up front and knows what they want in life. They should appreciate me and our relationship and not take me for granted. I have to be physically attracted to them, however, if a guy is confident and comfortable their physical appearance becomes less important. I am looking for someone who can is open minded and outgoing, who isn't afraid to try new things or go to new places. Someone who has some flexibility in their lives and won't freak out when things don't go exactly as planned. A guy that doesn't feel like I am insulting his manhood if I ask him for help in the kitchen and won't get all insecure if I want to mow the lawn ( for some reason I really like to mow the lawn) or want to change the oil on my car. LOL I also really don't want to be with someone who is habitually ignorant, I can't handle that. I understand that most people are ignorant due to lack of experience, but still. I would like the guy to have some sort of interest in my field of study, it's important to me. Financially, I would like him to have a career he enjoys and makes enough money not to have too many financial worries. What does that mean, not living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of their lives because I don't plan to do that. I don't want to be rich, I just want to make enough money to be financially secure for the most part. The guy also has to like the outdoors (hiking, winter sports, roughing it for a few weeks at a time in the summers), dogs, traveling abroad and more liberal then conservative. I think I pay attention, however, I do have to admit sometimes I am totally clueless.
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