CD111 Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 First off I am a girl and am 26. I am in graduate school, am motivated, confident and pretty driven. I have always had a hard time getting a date, as a matter of fact, my first date was two weeks ago (where the guy actually asked me out). Now don't get me wrong, I am not antisocial I have lots of friends (mostly males, I get along with guys much better then girls), am involved in numerous sports and have been in two long 2.5 yr relationships. I initiated my previous relationship and also the one before, by telling the guy I liked him and we should do something sometimes. I don't have a problem with going up to a guy and telling him I am interested. He would have never had the balls to ask me out, he admitted it. Our relationship had it's problems and it ended, a major issue for me was that he became insecure, way emotional and lost much of his confidence. This was a year ago, interestingly enough my sis broke up with her man for the same reasons a few months ago. So I am beginning to suspect it runs in the family..LOL. I am attributing our demeanor to how we were raised. No brothers and a father that didn't care that we were girls, dad owns his own business and is very handy. We were/are the helpers. Power tools, chain saws, fixing cars, rebuilding houses, yard work, cleaning gutters, guns, hunting, camping, hiking, working high on roofs of building, we have done it. But, it has also made us ridiculously independent and competitive. I don't compare myself to girls, I compare myself to guys and I don't have a problem proving that I can play with the boys. However, I still have a feminine side, I love to cook, can dress well, I am tall, with long hair, wear make-up sometimes, like perfume and jewelry, and love to dance. So I am not a total tom-boy..LOL. I totally believe in pulling my own weight in relationships and think everything should be split half and half. From the things that need to get done around the house to paying the bills. I am not some girl that needs 100% control by no means. I just want to be with someone who can be an equal. Someone who can stand beside me and we can together use our strengths to overcome life's hurdles. Isn't that what most people are looking for? I always try to be the best I can and strive to continually better myself in any aspect. From being a better friend, less judgmental, more open-minded to getting a better grade. Well I guess I have always thought that being strong, independent, smart, hard working and honest would only help me in life; however, I really don't feel like it has helped me in the getting a date department. So finally...lol, here are my questions. In all honesty, is a woman like me just unapproachable? How many of you guys would want to date a woman who would be your equal in many aspects instead of you having the upper hand, like making more money, better education, intelligence....? Finally, what the heck is a girl like me to do? How the heck do I become more approachable? Thanks for your time.
Sean0775 Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Honestly, I'm confused as to what is wrong with these guys. Women with personalities like yours tend to be very honest and clear about what they expect, which is a great quality to have. Being independent is good as well since clingy girls tend to creep me the hell out. As far as dating a woman who is my equal or better, I'm all for it. It takes a very insecure man to be intimidated by a woman who makes more money than he does.
Krytie TV Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Women like you, in my experience, also tend to be so overly motivated that they lose sight of simple pleasures in life. Do you ever just slow down and take a breath? Do you find yourself always doing schoolwork or working? Typically, people with such high drives and motivations, whether they know it or not, tend to be lacking in the intimacy department, as this is an area they've had to sacrifice in order to achieve what they have. You say you were raised as a tom-boy for the most part and always did very boyish things. Although this is good in small doses, I want a girl, not a boy in girl's clothing. Maybe you're unapproachable because men just don't find you as feminine as they would like? Or you lose sight of interpersonal issues because of your competitiveness and "independence" that you seem very proud of. That's where i would start.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I agree with Krytie. However I would like to add one thing. Typically when a guy transitions from calm and secure into an insecure jellyfish... that's because he feels you pulling away! Not all guys know how to handle that yet. Since you are so independant... your going to be prone to this particular problem. You should take steps to remedy this before it causes you to really lose out on a good man! It sounds like your already having issues with it. BTW, while men can respect all of your positive attributes... bieng overly aggressive often isnt one! It's typically percieved in a very negative way.
sumdude Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I think part of it is that you are 26 and likely dating guys around your age. Women are usully a bit more mature at that age than men. FWIW start looking toward guys close to 10 years older, they know how to handle themselves better and aren't as prone to be so wishy washy or intimdated by a driven and put together woman. Plus they'll have a bit more experience in other departments you will probably enjoy.
amaysngrace Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I'm not a guy but I'm going to say something anyway. Everyone needs to feel needed. And I think you are leaving these guys with the thought of "what does she need me for?" Yes it's good to be strong and it's good to be driven but if all you are is a robot then who is going to want to be with that? Find your humility. That which you may not be so good with. And talk about THAT. Because that's what makes you human and therefore lovable. Surely you must have a weakness. And nothing superficial either like chocoholic or something lame like that. Something very real. It's the thing that you hide behind all that strength. Your strength is your front.
Author CD111 Posted November 19, 2007 Author Posted November 19, 2007 I will totally agree that up until my early twenties I was a total tom-boy, but like to think that I have changed that quite a bit. I do work/study alot, but I do like to do other things. I see work as the fuel that finances my fun. For example, I like to travel and go on road trips. In the winter I snowboard 15 times a month, so it's not like I just work/study. As far as intimacy goes, I like enjoy being intimate with men. Don't have a problem with displaying affection in public and in the bedroom I actually prefer not to take the dominant role, but sometimes its fun. I can definitely understand how being independent can give the other person the impression that one is pulling away. I have tried to reassure my ex that everything is ok; however, once I get accused of cheating repeatedly, which is something I have never done or will do. I am really honest, up front and don't have anything to hide. Once cheating is brought up it starts to go downhill fast. I know why I have decided to be strong. a) I know I live in a man's world and if I want to accomplish anything I better step up and learn to play their game. b) my father was an awesome father to us, but a ****ty husband, he beat my mom a few times, cheated on her and just plain wasn't there for her through much of their marriage, she was way insecure (understandably), I decided that would never be me. c) I really feel like I want to go places in my life and have a career in which I am happy Yeah I am pretty darn proud of myself, I feel like I have accomplished alot; however, I always know I could do better.
Author CD111 Posted November 19, 2007 Author Posted November 19, 2007 Like everyone I have my weaknesses, and I am not afraid to admit them. However, I don't let them turn into complexes. For example, everyone has issues about their physical appearance, I have accepted what I can't change and what I can, I work on, it's an ongoing battle...losing ten pounds right now would be great. LOL Maybe I may have come off as a cocky, egotistical, unemotional person. That's really not what I am, I mean scary movies scare me, I admit it, I have nightmares for like a week. Lion King still makes me cry..LOL.
Krytie TV Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I know why I have decided to be strong. a) I know I live in a man's world and if I want to accomplish anything I better step up and learn to play their game. b) my father was an awesome father to us, but a ****ty husband, he beat my mom a few times, cheated on her and just plain wasn't there for her through much of their marriage, she was way insecure (understandably), I decided that would never be me. c) I really feel like I want to go places in my life and have a career in which I am happy Yeah I am pretty darn proud of myself, I feel like I have accomplished alot; however, I always know I could do better. And this is what will likely cause problems for you in many relationships. I'm not saying it's bad, but we all pay a price for the choices we make. Your price may be difficulty in having relationships with people willing to date someone with this mindset.
amaysngrace Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I think you have to be very mixed up when it comes to viewing men. Your father and what you think of him is paramount to how you view your BFs. He was a good dad. He was an abusive husband. He cheated. You were raised as if he had a son and not a daughter which was probably good or he'd have beaten the crap out of you seeing that you were a female. You identified with him more than your mom because your mom is weak in your eyes. Being female is no good or so you were led to believe. Seriously I think you should see a counselor. This thing goes deep sweetie.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Like everyone I have my weaknesses, and I am not afraid to admit them. However, I don't let them turn into complexes. For example, everyone has issues about their physical appearance, I have accepted what I can't change and what I can, I work on, it's an ongoing battle...losing ten pounds right now would be great. LOL Maybe I may have come off as a cocky, egotistical, unemotional person. That's really not what I am, I mean scary movies scare me, I admit it, I have nightmares for like a week. Lion King still makes me cry..LOL. No, I dont really see you as cocky and egotistical. In truth you remind me of myself very much! So, I have a pretty good idea what your going through!
Author CD111 Posted November 19, 2007 Author Posted November 19, 2007 Alright, first off my dad wouldn't have beat the crap out of me if I acted like a girl. Second off, yeah there are some attributes that I do like about my father and some that I don't. I definitely wouldn't want to date anyone exactly like him. I went to work with him because I enjoyed it. I thought it was fun, not because I was fearful. I definitely don't think being a female is no good. I think being a girl is great, I like to wear make up, dresses, dress nice and I like attention from guys. So don't be so quick to judge that I have a major mental issue. Yeah I did view my mom as weak for a long time because she just wouldn't leave him. However, she has and admits she should have years earlier.
amaysngrace Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 So don't be so quick to judge that I have a major mental issue. I'm sorry if you took that from what I said. I didn't mean any offense really. I was just trying to help. It's funny though...Krytie said you had a bad mindset but that didn't seem to bother you.
Author CD111 Posted November 19, 2007 Author Posted November 19, 2007 A bad mind set is one thing, telling me I have a major mental issue is another.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Yeah I did view my mom as weak for a long time because she just wouldn't leave him. However, she has and admits she should have years earlier. What is your overall attitude towards poeple who are weak like this?
JamesM Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Everyone needs to feel needed. And I think you are leaving these guys with the thought of "what does she need me for?" Yes it's good to be strong and it's good to be driven but if all you are is a robot then who is going to want to be with that? Find your humility. That which you may not be so good with. And talk about THAT. Because that's what makes you human and therefore lovable. It's the thing that you hide behind all that strength. Your strength is your front. Bingo. Do you appear as able to handle everything that life throws at you? If you can do everything a guy can and everything a woman can, why do you need a guy? Is all of this bravado about the many skills that you have simply a front for an emotional deficiency you think you have? Do you feel that if you reveal some vulnerabilities you have inside, then a man will take advantage of you and treat you like your dad treated your mother? Perhaps it isn't so much that you can do everything as much as the appearance that you not only don't need anyone but that you do not open up to anyone emotionally. It is one thing to have a male friend. It is entirely another thing to have a male who knows your every weakness and vulnerability. Men (and women) need to be wanted. When they choose a partner, the tendency for each is to choose someone who can be a helpmeet but also needs a helpmeet. My wife has strengths that I need, and I have strengths that she needs. Others may not see the weaknesses that she has let me see, but I can give her the strength in those areas...or (and this is what I think you are afraid of) I can take advantage of her weaknesses and use them against her. Take a good look at yourself and discover who you are and who you are not.
amaysngrace Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 A bad mind set is one thing, telling me I have a major mental issue is another. A lot of who we are is a direct result of what we've been exposed to. I'm not saying you're crazy or a whack job because I suggested you see a counselor. Lots of people see counselors. Honestly if I thought you were nuts I wouldn't have replied at all. I see your situation as one that is fixable. So that you can better yourself, like you said you had wanted to. But counseling only works if you are open to it and not defensive about it.
Author CD111 Posted November 19, 2007 Author Posted November 19, 2007 Ok I mentioned earlier that I don't have a problem revealing my vulnerabilities. I don't have a problem telling the truth about anything. No, I don't think I will be taken advantage of if I reveal my vulnerabilities. I think a person has to to be in a good relationship because that shows trust. I don't have a problem with that. I also don't think I can fix/take care of everything, there are plenty of things that are just beyond me in this world. If it's beyond me I don't have a problem asking for help. I don't think seeing a counselor is a bad thing either. I focused on my positive attributes earlier because I don't think I am that approachable, I didn't want to list my negative attributes and then ask...Why can't I get a date? LOL
Cobra_X30 Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Ok I mentioned earlier that I don't have a problem revealing my vulnerabilities. I don't have a problem telling the truth about anything. No, I don't think I will be taken advantage of if I reveal my vulnerabilities. I think a person has to to be in a good relationship because that shows trust. I don't have a problem with that. I also don't think I can fix/take care of everything, there are plenty of things that are just beyond me in this world. If it's beyond me I don't have a problem asking for help. I don't think seeing a counselor is a bad thing either. I focused on my positive attributes earlier because I don't think I am that approachable, I didn't want to list my negative attributes and then ask...Why can't I get a date? LOL LOL... you were not expecting to get Psychoanalyzed huh! Well, as with me, I believe that some of those traits which are positives for you may also work against you at times. If men percieve you to be aggressive they will be turned off. Please note that there is a clear distinction between aggressive and assertive behavoir in females!
amaysngrace Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 You know what? I envy you. You are so together and you're obviously funny and I think you have so much going on. But you know what? You're not perfect. Nobody is. But you are so ahead of the game you just don't even see it. You have this one thing to tweak out. ONE THING. My God, I wish I only had one thing that I needed to see a counselor about to get to where I'm at. I advocate counseling because it's helped me sort through bad crap in my head. Every single time it helped me. And I want good things for you. I really do. And I think that counseling is the way to go. And you know what else? You know how you said that you wished your mom got out sooner? Please don't look back ten years from now wishing you'd addressed this earlier. Cause once you do and you get past it you are gonna be rockin'.
Author CD111 Posted November 19, 2007 Author Posted November 19, 2007 Someone asked, what do I think of people that are weak. Here is my answer. I think there is always a reason behind weakness. Maybe the way they were raised, they had become soo emotionally involved in a situation that they can't see the light at the end of the tunnel or a previous experience. I can sympathize many of the reasons for which a person maybe weak. I think it takes alot of courage for people to face their problems and fears, but I think everyone is capable of getting through life's problems with or without help. I begin to loose sympathy when people don't try to deal with their problems and don't go get help even if they need it. I realize it can be really hard to admit it. I don't think everyone is strong 100% of the time, that's just impossible; however, I do think the more people step up to their problems and deal with them the better they get at it and it becomes a positive feedback mechanism, continually heading in the right direction. Career-just like anyone, I want to be successful and if I was competing for a job with a person who was less qualified (weaker) I would stress my strengths In personal relationships- as in my friends or boyfriends-I would try to help that person to the best of my ability and hopefully they decided they need help too
Kamille Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with you. The only problem is that you haven't found YOUR equal yet. Only a strong man can be with a strong woman. What to do then? Yes, work on your vulnerabilities, but I found that what worked for me was to be pickier. To define exactly what I wanted in a relationship, how I wanted to feel in it and not settle for less. Being more selective has helped curtail two problems that were characteristic of my previous relationship: it weeded out men who couldn't handle someone who was as (or more) career oriented as they were; but more importantly, it taught me to chose my partner for his strenghts, which also means that now I am in a relationship with a man I admire, a man I believe in and a man who knows that this is how I feel (and therefore who doesn't fall pray to insecurity). (hello run-on sentence!) Granted, after I chose to be pickier, I was single for three years (well dating, but single). Which I guess brings us to the approachable question. The fact that you are intelligent and career oriented isn't necessarly what might make men hesitate to approach you. I used to think the same thing you did, but only once did I start playing with that aspect of my identity did men really start to approach me. Yup, I used intelligent career women to my advantage, namely by realizing how attractive these caracteristics are to (strong) men. In my case, I had to stop feeling like I had something to prove at all times (at times that I was an equal and others that I wasn't intimidating) and realize that I had a lot to offer - but a lot to offer to the one man who could handle it. I learned to relax in conversations, learned to flirt, learned to smile and asks questions.
Author CD111 Posted November 19, 2007 Author Posted November 19, 2007 I don't see myself as aggressive, assertive yes. I am not a wall flower either. I smile, laugh, and tell jokes. I am a bit quirky so I don't mind acting like a dork at all. I can hold a conversation and actually really like to talk , obviously, about pretty much anything. Flirting...yeah I am not so good at that, never have been, unless we are on the dance floor then it's another story. It's much easier for me to just tell a guy how I feel..LOL. I realize I haven't found the right strong guy yet. It's just frustrating because I feel like alot of men are either afraid or intimidated by me. Or as many have suggested are not attracted to my personality. OUCH
Trialbyfire Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I agree with Kamille. You haven't met a man who is strong enough for you. I don't see anything that requires fixing on your part besides being unafraid to show some weakness. Also, no one's perfect. Don't kill yourself trying to be perfect but I'm glad you always try to improve yourself, for yourself. Showing weakness doesn't make you weak. It makes you willing to lean on others in times of need, as long as it's not a reoccurring need that requires personal change.
Kamille Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I don't see myself as aggressive, assertive yes. I am not a wall flower either. I smile, laugh, and tell jokes. I am a bit quirky so I don't mind acting like a dork at all. I can hold a conversation and actually really like to talk , obviously, about pretty much anything. Flirting...yeah I am not so good at that, never have been, unless we are on the dance floor then it's another story. It's much easier for me to just tell a guy how I feel..LOL. I realize I haven't found the right strong guy yet. It's just frustrating because I feel like alot of men are either afraid or intimidated by me. Or as many have suggested are not attracted to my personality. OUCH You could have fun learning how to incite guys to pursue you. I know it was one of the best things I did for myself. I was a bit lacking of confidence in that area of my life and I really enjoyed learning how to seduce (or attract if you prefer) men (and learning that I was attractive). It's something I forced myself to do, after a few failed experiments (of relationships where I had made all the first moves that dwindles). I told myself I would stop asking guys out. Again, behind it was the idea that I wanted to be with a guy who would have the guts to ask me out. In the past, how have you chosen the men you approached? What was it that drew you to them? How did you approach them? You say you have no problem being assertive. Great. Yet, to me, this isn't the same as using your 'brilliant career woman persona' as a flirting tool. Let me explain: there is a form of assertivess which is standing my ground on an issue that is important to me as a way to let the other person know who I am and where I stand. Using 'brilliant career woman persona': standing my ground but as a fun game, as a way to get to know the person I am talking with- as a way to demonstrate interest for the other person. The focus isn't on me, but on them. I don't interact the same way in those two scenarios. The first is a demonstration of assertiveness. The second is flirtatious (you smile, you look deep into their eyes, you incite them to perceive you as exciting). And a brief outline of flirting 101: look into their eyes. touch them while you are talking (arms, lower backs, legs). look at their lips while they are talking.
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