qwertyu Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 someone pls give me good advice or anything that can encourage me. guys perspective preferably, i wna know what he is thinking!! recently, ive been feeling so horrible (crying everyday etc). i thought things became better for me 2 weeks ago, but i guess not. aft he contacted me 2 wks ago, the way he spoke to me & some things made me feel like maybe he missed me esp aft seeing me on his bday. but im not sure if im trying to grasp onto anything which hints at a slight chance. this week i spoke to him again, but his attitude seems different as in he didnt rly sound that interested altho he didnt sound bored talking to me either, just neutral. the previous weekend he went overseas alone to break away frm routine & sort out his thoughts, and i had so much hopes that he would miss me when he was there or maybe thought more about us. i guess not.. when we broke up, i had many plans. for the 1st two days aft we broke up, i did cry & begged him to change his mind a lil but i knew it was not working so i LC-ed (texting everyday for a start which was better than how i called him everyday) for the first wk, less on second. met him the 1st time in 2 weeks aft we broke up, read to him a letter on how i felt (basically i just talked abt how i was wrong in the past, i.e. my flaws & im sorry. i didnt ask to get back cos i knew it was too soon) we both cried though but that was that. 2-3 weeks of NC & i met him again for his bday (i tried not to talk abt us, this time i only asked if there was really no chance for us to be tog again & he said he wouldnt rule out the possibility just that the chances of us getting back is the same as us not cos the future's hard to tell. i dont know but judging his behaviour, i could feel like he still feel for me but i know he wants to be firm in his decision). aft 1 week, he text-ed me on our supposed 2nd year anni asked me how i was doing etc. at night, i texted him & told him that "even though we're not, im glad i got to share part of my life w you...etc & ended up saying i love you" (i know the implications it would bring). well i didnt rly expect a reply but he replied & said "yeah i rmb too. you will always have a special place in my heart" NC-ed for another week, the next weekend he went overseas alone (i called to check but when i heard the ringtone, i hung up immed) then he sent me two msges to ask why i called cos i didnt reply e first. when i finally replied, he didnt reply back. i thought maybe he'd reply when he got back but he didnt. well for the past few weeks when he was away & back but didnt call me, i was really feeling very down & im quite a paranoid person so i started to think of crazy things like how he's with a another girl etc. i finally got to speak to him thru e phone on sunday (i started by texting first asking if hes free to talk, initially a few times he was supposed to call but he ended up texting me to say hes busy, i dont think he was trying to find excuses but i thought maybe he wasnt even keen to talk to me in e first place). he finally called tho, spoke for 1/2 an hr, it wasnt too bad, but i kept having to ask him questions like "how is he, how was e trip etc" he didnt really ask much abt me tho). aft that we spoke online again for a brief moment, i initiated. i really just wanted to talk to him as a friend cos i really missed him. ANYWAY as i was saying, i had plans to win him back & i wanted to do it on his bday but i thought it was too soon, so i held back & thought i would do it in dec, abt 1 1/2 mths aft his bday but judging from the situation now, i feel like nothing i do will work. im pretty aware of the futility of my actions but i know myself, i know what i want and that is to really give it my best shot before i decide to give up completely. but i really cant imagine how he can give us up so easily? is there really no way i can convince him? i think he gave up becos he didnt think we could work out (but honestly i felt like its becos i didnt try hard enough, i took him for granted & now im paying for it so badly), i just want him to know im SURE this time it will be different & if it doesnt work out, i will leave it be as i know for sure we are not meant to be. right now, i find it so hard to give up cos i felt like i didnt try my best in the r/p. he's really a good guy. he loved me despite how unreasonable i was, but i guess theres a limit to everything. should i just give up my plans? like yknow how they say "you only want what you cant have" but i dont know if its e same for him. he's not like other guys, he doesnt flirt around, hes very faithful, BASICALLY A NICE GUY (not desperate, not anything). yet at the same time, if i dont give him what i want to and wait till a year later or smth, im so afraid he will really move on by then & totally forget about getting back w me ever, worse if he finds someone else! I CANT LET GO. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!! i know one day he will find someone else if he doesnt get back w me though and i really cant imagine the thought of it at all. i was thinking if i should go overseas to study to forget him, good idea? he's my first boyf & i know not many people marry their first but right now, i really want to marry him. i can see myself w him in the future. i dont know if things will change a few yrs down e road, but i know i wont forget him so easily & i dont want to end up marrying someone i dont love as much or more than him eventually, like yknow how those stories on people who are alr married but they cant forget their ex?! i'd be devastated if it ever happens to me.
MattyTee Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 Hey Qwerty, I'm sorry that you are going through this. Just remember you aren't alone with what you are experiencing or feeling, a lot of people here are sharing your pain. I guess the most important thing to say is this: You can't persuade someone to want to be with you. At the end of the day would you really want to be with him only because you had convinced him, not because he wanted that himself? I'm not going to tell you to drop all your hope because I'm sure someone else will at some point Instead I'll tell you what I've experienced and the important things I've learned. Firstly, constantly chasing someone will push them further away. People told me that but I wasn't able to listen, so I pushed ... and found out the hard way. I also blamed myself for a lot of problems in our relationship (some of that blame is rightfully placed, some not). It is a good idea if at some point you can look at the relationship with a bit of distance and see if you can see, if anything, things that you could improve about yourself. You aren't doing this for him or to win him back - this is for you Try and make sure you aren't blaming yourself for the break-up because, just as it takes two to get together, it takes two to break up. This is a good time for you to take a few steps back and give yourself some quality time. This is good for two reasons: firstly, it is never a bad thing to work on oneself, improving where you can; secondly, it will enable you to take some steps away from the relationship and give your ex the space he might need to think about things. It's a good idea to try and find some things to take up your time: reading, writing, exercise, martial arts etc. Anything that gets your body moving is good because it will release feel-good chemicals and will also help you work through the emotions. Again, I'm not going to tell you to give up hope. Even if I did you wouldn't listen to me anyway and as I said someone else may well post that It is time to make your focus you rather than him though. In time you may find that hope drifts away or you may find it stays. My experience was it drifted away and I was able to let go. I wish you all the best with your healing, I hope things work out in the best way for you, whatever that may be.
Author qwertyu Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 Hey Qwerty, Firstly, constantly chasing someone will push them further away. People told me that but I wasn't able to listen, so I pushed ... and found out the hard way. Thanks for your reply! really appreciate it. Just wondering, how hard did you try? as in did you keep trying to convince her? what was the frequency? I know from what I said above, it sounds like we've been in a lot of contact but honestly I feel it's been very limited because he's only free on weekends, we seldom talk on weekdays & some weekends, we dont even talk at all. I know things are beyond my control. I just thought if I did all I wanted to do (i.e. write him a letter etc) & it still doesnt work, I would have at least know that I tried my best & hopefully force myself to let go. I havent seen him in a month already & I feel like it's been sooo long. I'm just afraid it will turn him off, will it? The only thing I have problems with is getting myself to see that we may not ever get back tog again in the future. I keep thinking maybe I shld just leave him alone for one yr, maybe he'd come back (I've read of some people here getting back their ex aft a year or so!) or maybe he needs to try other girls out before he decides I'm the one. Yet, I'm so filled with fear that he might actually find another girl & finds himself happier w her & I'm all alone. I dont really know many guys, even the guys I'm close to are his friends. Zzz, so yeah. Do guys really get over relationships pretty easily & quickly? (assuming they're the dumpers) Honestly, I felt like it was a very tough decision for him to break up w me. I could see he was extremely upset & he cried quite a bit. He even told me the first time we met aft we broke up that he doesnt think he can put in so much effort like how he did with me in his next relationship but you know, they say time heals & I'm thinking maybe this 2 months apart has made him realise "I need to move on even if I'm sad" & he's probably better at it than me since I'm the one who wants him back
SmileyFace82 Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I agree with pretty much everything MattyTee said. I know everyone says "move on" to you, but that is exactly what you have to do. You have to start having some fun, join a club or go out with your friends more often. You say he went on holiday, you should go on holiday yourself too. Ask a friend to go along with you. You should even start going on dates with other people, at the end of the day, they are only dates. It is an excuse to meet new people etc. You don't want to show that you are stuck in a rut and rely on him. He split up with you for a reason and it's your decision...but if i were you i would want to prove to him that he made a wrong decision...not by begging or pleading but by showing how you are able to stand on your own two feet and move on without having to rely on him. I'm in a similiar situation as you although my ex very quickly moved on to another guy. Yes it hurt like hell, and to be honest i will find it difficult to ever forgive her. But you must tell yourself that your ex bf will eventually get another girlfriend and yes it will hurt but you have to make it seem like you are not affected by it. If you want to get back with him, the only way is to move on with your life and hope he sees you in a new light. He may discover this in a short space of time or a few relationships down the line but unless you move on...he will never take you back. Sorry if i was too harsh in anything i said above. I can kinda relate to your situation so that's why i felt the need to tell you what i'm thinking. I hope it helps...
Author qwertyu Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 im not gna beg/plead, its just that ever since we broke up, i know he said he needed space. its been 2 months (ok yeah maybe not that long but i feel like its long enough) & by the time, i pass him the letter i want to, it'd probably be close to 3 mths. im quite sure like 99% sure he will not go back to me or anything after that, but i just want to tell him how i feel & hope he communicates w me openly & honestly so that i'd feel better. aft we broke up, ive been having small talks w him & he seems to have erected a barrier between us which i feel pretty uncomfortable with just that i dont know how to make him let his guard down. is it wrong to do that? or shld i just really forget everything. at the same time, i question why i do it either. i mean what if he tells me all he needs to & after that, i force myself to move on but still find it sooooo hard. i mean what am i gna do aft that? NC completely & forever? :/ i just feel like theres this urge in me to do it. ohwell. anw thanks for your advice as well! and no you're not harsh, i mean its just hard to accept reality sometimes. eeks.
starlite Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 He doesnt want to be with you...if he did, he would be. Stop calling him...keep your dignity, you have done all you can do and now it is time to stop contact all together. Sometimes silence speaks louder. Again, it is all about your dignity! Read "Its called a break up because it's broken."
FindingMyselfAgain Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 I only read your title. I'm on the beginning of week five, and I'm only starting to cry. Holy **** I have a way to go.
bigheartkindsoul Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Its been over 4months, I don't yearn for him anymore. I have blips however they are getting fewer and less frequent. But these are more to do with other issues, nothing to do with the ex which I am still working upon that will take alot more time to work out. Am I over him, yeah, am I still a bit hurt, yeah a little. Big heart, takes along time to heal my wounds but am getting there. Do I have fun and lots of laughs, yeah because even if I don't feel like it, I force myself to go out but most of the time I am happy to get out and about because I am not one to sit in night after night and mope. I have the fck u attitude. Let them (the ex's) who sit in lonely, let them be the ones full of regrets and sadness. Fck em I say. B0ll0cks to them. But you have to make you life great again no one can do it for you, no one did it for me, except me. I made and am making it happen.
Author qwertyu Posted November 20, 2007 Author Posted November 20, 2007 starlite: in what ways have i done all i could do? i understand the whole dignity thing so even if i wanted to contact him, i'd never stoop to begging/crying which sometimes is so tempting because i just cant control my emotions & will break down. maybe i didnt explain my situation in its entirety but throughout the relationship, i felt like he has tried his best to give in to me but i was blind, took things for granted & didnt compromise enough. thus im filled with regrets now & wish i could make it up to him eventho everything is over now & probably dont matter anymore but i guess im hoping at least i feel like he would notice the change in me or at least the sincerity in my efforts & one day he will look back & realise it. do you see where im coming from? findingmyselfagain: it's gonna be hard. are you a guy? maybe you'd get over it more quick! haha i dont know, i have this feeling that guys get over it faster than girls. bigkindheartsoul: appreciate your input but if im not wrong, your ex mistreated you right? i think i read your post before but im not entirely sure. well, im in a different situation though! i feel like my ex do not deserve me im not trying to put all the blame on myself cos im sure we both were at fault but i guess it's becos i still want us to get back tog that i tend to focus on my flaws & what i could have done instead. honestly, i just find it hard to give up on such a great guy. sometimes i even wonder, who the hell would be able to take my sh*t like he did?
FindingMyselfAgain Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 it's gonna be hard. are you a guy? maybe you'd get over it more quick! haha i dont know, i have this feeling that guys get over it faster than girls. Not THIS guy. Man. It's been hell. But dating websites are helping. I'm getting lots of interest. Makes me realize I'm a HELL of a guy. Women would be PROUD to have me as their man.
niceguy27 Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 qwerty...when you are split with someone, the only true way for them to see if they want to be with you is for them to live their life without you in it. Only when they are back on their own can they look back and see if the r/s was what they wanted. Same goes for you too. Only after you learn to live your life w/o him can you look back with at the very least, a different perspective on it. As far as keeping in touch with them...Your call. I know that since my ex and I have had no deal breakers (same as you two) and we do share almost all the same morals, values, etc., that we can at least be there for each other in a "friend" capacity to some extent. It was that or we would of both went 100% separate ways. By keeping a very low profile, your giving them space and an opportunity for them to remember all the good times. After some time, they will have had a chance to weigh out what they want. In the meantime, your out meeting new people and growing as a person. If you want to keep in touch here and there...why the hell not? Nobody stays the same forever. Everyone changes and grows. As time goes by, you may find that you two were growing apart. Or you may see that while that time of growth, you two find each other again. There are so many uncertainties and bottom line is...you just have to follow what YOU want to do.
MattyTee Posted November 20, 2007 Posted November 20, 2007 Thanks for your reply! really appreciate it. Just wondering, how hard did you try? as in did you keep trying to convince her? what was the frequency? I know from what I said above, it sounds like we've been in a lot of contact but honestly I feel it's been very limited because he's only free on weekends, we seldom talk on weekdays & some weekends, we dont even talk at all. I know things are beyond my control. I just thought if I did all I wanted to do (i.e. write him a letter etc) & it still doesnt work, I would have at least know that I tried my best & hopefully force myself to let go. I havent seen him in a month already & I feel like it's been sooo long. I'm just afraid it will turn him off, will it? The only thing I have problems with is getting myself to see that we may not ever get back tog again in the future. I keep thinking maybe I shld just leave him alone for one yr, maybe he'd come back (I've read of some people here getting back their ex aft a year or so!) or maybe he needs to try other girls out before he decides I'm the one. Yet, I'm so filled with fear that he might actually find another girl & finds himself happier w her & I'm all alone. I dont really know many guys, even the guys I'm close to are his friends. Zzz, so yeah. Do guys really get over relationships pretty easily & quickly? (assuming they're the dumpers) Honestly, I felt like it was a very tough decision for him to break up w me. I could see he was extremely upset & he cried quite a bit. He even told me the first time we met aft we broke up that he doesnt think he can put in so much effort like how he did with me in his next relationship but you know, they say time heals & I'm thinking maybe this 2 months apart has made him realise "I need to move on even if I'm sad" & he's probably better at it than me since I'm the one who wants him back Hey again, I didn't push hard, not a lot of contact but it was enough to force her into saying things that made me walk away. I've had people telling me that she's in an irrational state and doesn't mean it etc. The thing is, it doesn't really matter. She has left me and I am where I am. The important thing I have to realise is I go through the emotions, I go through the hurt and I will learn and grow as I do. I choose to accept what is and I choose to learn as much as I can from it. It has happened, the only other options are to fight it until I'm too tired to fight any more or to let it rule me and go wherever that goes (not a good place I imagine). I think dumpers generally seem to find it easier to move on. I don't think it has anything to do with being a guy or a girl. My ex moved on in about 3 weeks (after 8 years), I have not moved on after over 3 months - but I'm doing much better I took the decision to walk away and say goodbye. If you feel that you have to do everything you can before walking away then do so. The best way is probably by writing a letter, but you have to send that letter understanding nothing may change, as hard as that is. I wrote the letter but I never sent it. Perhaps one day I might. I wish you the best of luck.
Author qwertyu Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 niceguy: i guess... but it's really so hard to talk as "friends". in all honesty, sometimes i really do want to talk to him normally like how we could talk about anything under the sun in the past but as ive said, i get hot/cold feelings from him. sometimes he puts up a barrier between us, doesnt talk much or give me minimal anwers & it gets me down when we talk cos i'd think like "oh hes not even interested in talking to me", "maybe im annoying him" etc. anyway today he initiated contact! he spoke to me online. its kinda weird, i dont know he sounded quite hyper & all telling me he had his first guitar lesson and hes never gna do it again (haha), and things like wanting to adopt a kid cos he felt sad for the kids in manila?! errr, it's kinda weird like how friendly he was when talking to me esp since the last time i spoke to him on sunday, he sounded cold & distant again. we saw each other online a few times after but he didnt initiate contact. today he started the convo like this? ex says: hey im typing a message to you haha srsly, what is he thinking?!
SunnyLady Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 niceguy: i guess... but it's really so hard to talk as "friends". in all honesty, sometimes i really do want to talk to him normally like how we could talk about anything under the sun in the past but as ive said, i get hot/cold feelings from him. sometimes he puts up a barrier between us, doesnt talk much or give me minimal anwers & it gets me down when we talk cos i'd think like "oh hes not even interested in talking to me", "maybe im annoying him" etc. anyway today he initiated contact! he spoke to me online. its kinda weird, i dont know he sounded quite hyper & all telling me he had his first guitar lesson and hes never gna do it again (haha), and things like wanting to adopt a kid cos he felt sad for the kids in manila?! errr, it's kinda weird like how friendly he was when talking to me esp since the last time i spoke to him on sunday, he sounded cold & distant again. we saw each other online a few times after but he didnt initiate contact. today he started the convo like this? ex says: hey im typing a message to you haha srsly, what is he thinking?! Hey Hun! Many of us have been through the stage of being "friends" with our exes. The truth is if you took a step back and viewed the situation squarely without your emotions clouding your judgement, you would accept that being friends with an ex you are still in love with is impossible. I understand how you feel and i have been in this positon several times. Wll twice actaully. Ill tell you what happend in the 1st. Well it was obvious he missed me...although he was a bit hot and cold. We maintained contact mostly via msn. It was nice for a while...made me think he missed me and created a hope for reconciliation. Well at some point i realised it was going no where. He clearly missed me, but he didnt want to be with me romanticaly at that point in time. I realised i was hurting myself by being a friend figure to him, being there for him. He would for example ask me to wake him up at 5am in time for his exams... (this is something i used to do for him when we were togther. it was an intimate thing i.e me being his personal alarm clock and playing the role of lucky charm by being the first voice he heard in the morning). i mean he showed so many signs. He would have stuff up on his msn like "i actaully do miss her...regrets" etc. So his actions went from being subtle to being somewhat blunt. He started contacting me every day. Each day i went out i would intentionally leave my laptop on with my messenger active. And he never failed to leave a message every day. It became like a routine. However i realised that things were not advancing. And i realised that i needed a clean cut. I stopped contact (didnt tell him so, rather stopped being so availabe). Well later on, he did come back. He didnt expressly ask that we reconcile but he implied so in several ways. And i could have reconilced with him if i had wanted to, it was my discretion. He didnt come in full force e.g on his knees begging and tears gushing out of his eyes, running down his cheeks, but he did come back. But i didnt for several reasons. One being that i got involved with an old friend (albeit shortlived) but it was a good distraction. But the main reason why i didnt take him back was because i didnt feel he had been as sumbmissive as he ought to be. I mean he dumped me! He couldnt just walk back into my life with a few words. I needed him to go an extra mile...do something extra but he didnt. And at that point i needed a LOT of attention and persuasion to reconcile with him but he didnt give me as as much as i felt i deserved. He did show concern, he did indicate that he wanted me back in many ways but i needed more than that. (im not a tough person at all. I am so emotional so i was shocked at my non-chalant apporoach. But when you;re out of it, you gradually begin to see things more clearly). Lastly he had been involved with someone shortly after we split. That hurt me real bad and inspired my resistant approach towards him. He couldnt comprehend what had happended to me. I stopped contacting him, i let him be. i was living a happy life. He would ring me BEGGING me to call him. He couldnt understand that he had been demoted in my rank of priorities. This was a drastic change from me being the pleading and desperate girl. Take into account that this ex of mine left me. He was very good to me as well so i felt like i had lost a good thing which i needed to regain. Initially i had begged and pleaded. Done all of that but it didnt work. I tried being friends but it didnt work ...why? I became frustrated!!! Sweetheart i understand how you feel. But im going to tell you a few things i really think you should consider. 1) Sometimes you need to make that clear cut. You need to actually let him feel your abscence in HIS life. During this period you should work on yourself...you say you took him for granted? Well build yourself up better yourself and gain emotional stability. This is crucial for YOUR well being. Beacuse you are your priority as much as you don't want to acknowledge that. IF he never comes back, at least the grief won't be too strange. I know that sounds horrible but love has no gurantees. Sad fact of life. You can't be friends with him. The prospect seems inviting---Talking to him so you don't loose grip of him. But you don't want to get into the friend zone. Or you don't want him to get exhausted. You don't want to get frustrated beacuse you will if you keep having random chats with him which yield to no immdeiate results. You will spend hours trying to squeeze blood from a stone. Im not saying you should refrain from accepting his calls or message etc. I just personally feel based on experience that you if you must remain in contact, it should be minimal. You KNOW you can't handle being his friend. Please don't torture yourself... 2) We females tend to fear that we will loose our loved ones if we let them go. But the truth is you can't make someone love you or stay with you. They need to make that decison. You wouldnt want to reconcile and then in the next 2 months he tells you he made a mistake. It DOES happen. You don't want to be walking on egg shells during the course of the relationship. You don't want to feel like HE is doing you a favour. You don't want to feel like you owe him something for him being with you. It should be mutual. You should have security and stability. You shouldnt have to watch over your shoulders. It is essential that he DESIRES to be with you. Mutuality, compromise and respect are three important criteria necessary for a stable and loving relationship. I think this guy needs to see the a change in the sitaution. And you need to build yourself. No one knows for sure that he will come back or that he won't come back. But one thing i know for sure is that you can never go wrong by protecting yourself. If you maintain minimal contact (if you must) you will give him time to actaully miss your prescence in his life, whilst simutaneously giving yourself time to heal and to get used to his abscence in your life. You ca never go wrong that way. Why i say minimal or no contact is beacuse with contact there are daily reminders of him. Your emotions taunt you daily. Your chats with him linger on...you replay every conversation in your mind. And you begin to long for him so much. Also you are assuming a position in his life that you do not want. i.e being his friend. This is why i say you need to protect yourself. 3) During splits, we tend to blame ourselves excessively. I admit we all have faults etc. But please don't be too hard on yourself. You can't assume all responsibility for this split. And well with regards to marraige. Most times we feel our first SO will become our husband/ wife. It does not always pan out that way. My first relationship lasted two years and i was quite young. I was besotted. I thought no one else could replace him. But he it just wasnt meant to be. And i have had even more fulfilling relationships. Im not saying this fellow isnt for you...but if he isnt, then it means there is someone out there for you. So please don't view your split as a certification that you will remain a spinster for life. Beacause that is only a fear. Not a reality. If its meant to be, it will be. That's my policy. The only thing we have control over is our actions. Nothing more. Life brings unpleasant shocks. But it brings pleasant surprises too. Time will tell. You need to be patient and you need to believe that all will be well.
tomwiz Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 He's testing the waters. NC and move on, he will either realize what he is losing or you'll move on to something bigger and better. Either way its a win win
Author qwertyu Posted November 23, 2007 Author Posted November 23, 2007 sunnylady: hey thanks for your response. well for one, im sure my ex will never make signs like yours even if he did miss me. honestly i think even if he does, its just like "i miss her but it doesnt mean i wna get back to her" and i kinda doubt he'd ever ask me to take him back cos he chose to break up w me & i think hes pretty firm on it. i doubt we'd both get involved w someone else so quickly as well. you said you tried being friends but it didnt work, like how? i mean did you want further progression after being able to talk as friends? but it seems to me you achieved what you wanted cos he started to beg you to call him & all! i know people always say i gotta leave him alone so that he will miss my presence but what if he doesnt? and instead he feels so much liberated being single or smth. do you honestly think the only way he'd ever want me back is when he can see me leading a happy life & show him how strong i am? what if he thinks "ok she's over me" thats great, im happy for her. ohwell i dont know how i feel towards him anymore. i love him a lot but sometimes this is soooo tiring. its so tiring to love someone & not be loved back, and yes like what you said, analysing his every move & all. i really wna know whats he up to though. ever since he spoke to me that day & i showed nonchalence & even ended the convo quite quickly. i found out he blocked me on MSN. if he doesnt care, why does he bother blocking me in the first place?!
Racquel Colette Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Straight up...he doesn't love you. He wouldn't have broken up with you if he didn't love you. Straight up....you are acting very desperate. He knows he could have you back if he wanted in a second but he doesn't want to be with you. Why waste time pining for a guy who dumped you because he didn't want to be with you? He doesn't love you. Time to smell the coffee.
Author qwertyu Posted November 23, 2007 Author Posted November 23, 2007 i dont think im acting very desperate. im not being in denial but honestly i havent been contacting him so far and hes been the one making contact with me. i dont know whats he thinking either. he talks to me all friendly & all but i found out frm my friend he got me blocked on msn. :/ today i asked if we were still meeting (cos we were supposed to), i texted him but he called me & he even told me he called me the day before (my phone was switched off so i didnt know) cos he said he was near my area (he went to watch soccer near my place) but im just wondering, ok so? i mean he went with a friend whom i dont know so i dont think he was gna ask me out or anything right. im starting to think less of him already. i dont know what happened but aft i ended my exams, i stopped being so emo & all. im just puzzled by all that hes doing. :/
bustertypsy Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 Hi Qwerty and sorry for your pain,I know what it's like,believe me. There have been some great responses from some very intelligent people and you should follow their advice.As MattyTee said......you can't make somebody have feelings for you,if they don't.So taking note of this,you have to give him time and space. If the feelings are there,then for sure he will realise this and you will be the first to know. I remember my first lost love.When she ended things with me I hounded,begged,etc etc etc.Believe it or not but for almost a year I pressured her,totally unaware that I was driving her further away from me with every effort.So it is EXTREMELY important to leave him alone=NC. I know when you love somebody so much,all you want to do is be with them,at any price,and you will convince yourself that you can convince them.Well it doesn't work like that.You don't have to convince somebody that they love you. I strongly recommend NC,use it to heal yourself.If he realises through your absence that you are the one,well that's a bonus. Be strong!!
SunnyLady Posted November 23, 2007 Posted November 23, 2007 sunnylady: hey thanks for your response. well for one, im sure my ex will never make signs like yours even if he did miss me. honestly i think even if he does, its just like "i miss her but it doesnt mean i wna get back to her" and i kinda doubt he'd ever ask me to take him back cos he chose to break up w me & i think hes pretty firm on it. i doubt we'd both get involved w someone else so quickly as well. you said you tried being friends but it didnt work, like how? i mean did you want further progression after being able to talk as friends? but it seems to me you achieved what you wanted cos he started to beg you to call him & all! i know people always say i gotta leave him alone so that he will miss my presence but what if he doesnt? and instead he feels so much liberated being single or smth. do you honestly think the only way he'd ever want me back is when he can see me leading a happy life & show him how strong i am? what if he thinks "ok she's over me" thats great, im happy for her. ohwell i dont know how i feel towards him anymore. i love him a lot but sometimes this is soooo tiring. its so tiring to love someone & not be loved back, and yes like what you said, analysing his every move & all. i really wna know whats he up to though. ever since he spoke to me that day & i showed nonchalence & even ended the convo quite quickly. i found out he blocked me on MSN. if he doesnt care, why does he bother blocking me in the first place?! Yeah i agree with you! A guy might miss his ex but that doesnt follow from there that he wants to get back!. Well at first i was crying and pleading for his return etc. Then he was acting cold to me. He didnt even want to have msn conversations. After a crucial conversation with a male friend of mine i stopped contact with him. And then he began to contact me. So we started off as friends. He would come online (msn) and we would talk. And we would engage in good conversations. He would flirt sometimes, he would say indirect stuff like for example tell me that he had a craving for a particular meal i used to cook him. He would have up these msn names saying "you don't know what you have till you lost it etc". Of course i was happy BUT we were still friends and friends only. Its like he seemed confused, he really missed me but the other part of him didnt want to recommit. And i was stuck in the middle...So i got frustrated. Beacause i wanted things to progress. I didnt want to keep having high hopes, re-playing our conversations in my mind etc. I wanted ACTIONS rather than words. He did come back but after some time. He didnt return when i needed and wanted him most. He came back when i was actually fine. So i got what i wanted but not WHEN i wanted it. Do you see what i mean? At some point i decided i needed to make a clean cut. Which i did. And then i guess he realised i was TRULY slipping away and then he became direct. Which was when he came back. But like i said not when i needed him to. A woman won't grieve forever. I understand your fears about letting him off for too long. But trust me when i tell you, the only thing we have control over is our actions. The truth is men want what they can't have. And as much as you may not like to hear this, they hardly come back when you are pinning for them. Rather (if they do return) when you have moved and are content with your life. Its like they have a radar. They can tell when you have genuinely moved on rather than when you are pretending to have moved on. At this point in time maintaining your dignity and pride is crucial. For YOUR self. And this will impact positively on you and thoes surrounding you. No one knows how these things go, but one thing i know is that waiting around will do no good. You fear that his feeling of liberation will be permanent but calling him etc isnt going to curb that feeling. The change needs to come from HIM. And if things remain the way they have been since you split, why would he see the need to change? All i am trying to say is you contacting him isnt going to make a difference. Things that are scarce are more valued don't you know that? Its his call and not yours. You need to take care of yourself and try to move on. He strikes me as rather childish though...blocking you from msn. It seems he is struggling too. If he is for you, then he will be for you and this will come to manifest. You need to get yourself togther by that i mean you are still too raw from emotions. Do no contact him. Ask yourself "what are you gaining?". When you are about to pick up your phone and call him ask yourself "is this going to bring him back?". To be frank i wouldnt ignore my ex's phone call if he called me today. I would speak to him so i can't tell you to abstain from receving his phone calls or msn messages. What i can advice you to do is to limit how available you are to him. You need to heal. You need to stable. Besides you KNOW you don't want to be friends. Why give him the gratification of having you around as anything but a girlfriend. No one knows how these things will go. Right now i am in a similar postion as you are. I had this urge to contact my ex today but i restrained myself. I am not going to be friends with him beacuse i know i can;t be. I have feelings for this guy. I fear as well that lack of contact will make him feel better about his actions and create a permanent divison in our worlds.etc. But the truth is he is responsible for his decisons and i know calling him isnt going to bring him back. The change needs to come from within him. If it ever comes. But i am moving on with my life. What i do know is sometimes, a person has to feel your abscence in his life. And thats the way its always gone for me. YOu don't deserve this rollercoaster of emotions. Make the decsion to move on. HE left you. He knows where to find you if he wants you. By restraining from contacting him you are only respecting his wishes. And he knows this. You are not going to look attractive by settling to be his friend when he knows you want more. It only confirms that you are still pinning desperately for him. And trust me this thought will only make him treat you worse and take you for granted. Take your pride and walk away. It can only work in your favour. You have tried everything but to no avail. What more could you possibly do. yeah he seems to have issues. blocking you on msn etc. Maybe he is finding it difficult to let go and feels avoiding you will help me. Just a guess not sure. Regardless keep moving. He will wonder why you are not looking for him and freaking out.
superam Posted November 24, 2007 Posted November 24, 2007 LIKE YOUR STYLE MISS SURREY Its been over 4months, I don't yearn for him anymore. I have blips however they are getting fewer and less frequent. But these are more to do with other issues, nothing to do with the ex which I am still working upon that will take alot more time to work out. Am I over him, yeah, am I still a bit hurt, yeah a little. Big heart, takes along time to heal my wounds but am getting there. Do I have fun and lots of laughs, yeah because even if I don't feel like it, I force myself to go out but most of the time I am happy to get out and about because I am not one to sit in night after night and mope. I have the fck u attitude. Let them (the ex's) who sit in lonely, let them be the ones full of regrets and sadness. Fck em I say. B0ll0cks to them. But you have to make you life great again no one can do it for you, no one did it for me, except me. I made and am making it happen.
Author qwertyu Posted November 24, 2007 Author Posted November 24, 2007 yeah he seems to have issues. blocking you on msn etc. Maybe he is finding it difficult to let go and feels avoiding you will help me. Just a guess not sure. Regardless keep moving. He will wonder why you are not looking for him and freaking out. i dont know about him finding it difficult to let go but recently i saw pictures of him in my friend's (im not close to her) but we were from the same high school birthday party. not a clubbing party though, just a simple house birthday party. anyway, he's been acting pretty strange. today he called to ask me how to purchase stamps to send overseas letter cos he thought i sent overseas letters to my bestfriend before. but i was like no? i told him im not sure but i think he can just ask while purchasing and its probably slightly more expensive? we were supposed to go out today but he said he cldnt cos he promised his friend to shop with him. but when we were talking, the background was really quiet & i suspected he might be home so i said where are you? him: (he sounded like he hesitated for 2 secs) err outside me: oh why is it so quiet him: err, i dont know? me: ok and we ended the convo. i wonder if he lied to me about having to accompany his friend so he cant go out w me, but it doesnt matter. i had a great time w my girlfriends anw. later on, he texted me again to ask about the same stupid question about sending letters overseas. what is he up to?! he has me blocked on msn yet he is still initiating contact with me and asking me all these random questions!
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