Trying no contact - LADIES - I need your input!

[SYRACUSE03]

Here's my original post...it's a quick paragraph to fill you in.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t135613/

 

I am currently 9 days of no contact. Have not seen ex g/f in 3 weeks. The last contact I had from ex g/f was 11/10, quick 30 second call. I am trying really hard to do the right thing but I have no idea what the right thing is...even for myself. What really baffles me is that it seems that I made a ton of progress and things were headed in a good direction then all of a sudden, nothing. WTF! What am I missing here?? I have been driving myself insane thinking of what I have done so wrong. I'm not clingy, pushy or desperate. I think I have a right to some answers but I don't think I'll ever get them. I'm an attractive man, very good job, self sufficient so I'm lost. I've been blessed with a ton of things but the it seems that the thing I desire most (strong relationship), I'll never have.

 

Since then, I started a diet, dropped 17 pounds and have been working out. I feel good and I hope someone interesting takes notice. I really didn't need to but now I'm on a roll. I just would like her to look at me and wonder. I wish her head was going a mile a minute like mine. I don't wish her anything bad or hurtful but, if I'm the problem, how the heck am I supposed to change certain things to prevent this from happening again. I'm 36, I want to settle down but I am more than scared to death and that's not fair to whoever takes a chance with me. Any help from the ladies would be greatly appreciated! Ask any questions and I'll be honest. This message board has been great and is the only way to get some needed feedback. Sorry so long and thanks for taking the time to read it.

[alwayshurt]

Hey man,

 

I don't think you're insane but if you keep on trying to figure out what went wrong in your relationship you probably will go crazy.

 

Accept the fact that things change and not always there is a reason for that...or at least a rational one.

Her feelings changed and you need to accept that. If you truly love her as you say than you must let go and move on with your life.

You may be a perfect person, as you portray yourself, but you probably were not so perfect for her, for whatever reason unknown to you. Looking for answer won't bring her back. On the contrary, you may hear something you don't want to (i.e. she is after somebody else) or if you insist, she may lie to you with some sort of answer that to you won't make any sense. And you'll be back on square one.

 

You have not control on other people feelings. So focus your energies on something that you can control....yourself. And it seems you're doing a great job. Keep on doing that.

[alwayshurt]

Hey man,

 

I don't think you're insane but if you keep on trying to figure out what went wrong in your relationship you probably will go crazy.

 

Accept the fact that things change and not always there is a reason for that...or at least a rational one.

Her feelings changed and you need to accept that. If you truly love her as you say than you must let go and move on with your life.

You may be a perfect person, as you portray yourself, but you probably were not so perfect for her, for whatever reason unknown to you. Looking for answer won't bring her back. On the contrary, you may hear something you don't want to (i.e. she is after somebody else) or if you insist, she may lie to you with some sort of answer that to you won't make any sense. And you'll be back on square one.

 

You have not control on other people feelings. So focus your energies on something that you can control....yourself. And it seems you're doing a great job. Keep on doing that.

[SYRACUSE03]

Thanks for responding! I am far from perfect but I do know I have far more positives than negatives. No one is perfect. I did treat her right, never cursed at her always supported her, etc. I had a great relationship with her family and she did with mine. When she moved in 3 years ago, I paid all the bills. All she had to do is buy the groceries. When we argued, it was about the issue and it never got personal...I made sure of that. However, I do know that when she wanted my input on something and it didn't fall in line with her thinking, she looked at it as unsupportive. I can't just agree to everything.

 

I guess the biggest thing I do know that I didn't do a lot of the "litttle" things and she hated it when I got tied up at work. Then I got a promotion about 3 weeks before she left which would have given us more time together but it really never had a chance to take root. I absolutely love her and it kills me to let her go and I will not pursue her. I just do not understand why she has let me into her life after the breakup, trust me, then completely back off. I would have gotten the same result if I cheated!

 

Here's a question...Do you think that by going to a ton of weddings together and watching people have kids had a major effect? She always wanted both but never pressured me and said "when the time is right". Did she put too much pressure on herself and figure that I was happy with the status quo? Sorry, just grabbing at straws. Like you said ALWAYSHURT, maybe she is pursuing someone else which shows she didn't respect me in the first place and I deserve better than that. I would just like find out and correct the attitudes/actions that drive someone away...that's all, so I can avoid it in the future. Thanks again to all that read this.

[ncpd25]

Syracuse,

 

I've been where you are. I've been NC for 9 weeks now. At first, I went through all of the feelings you're experiencing. Treated her well, stable, good job, own my home etc..

 

For whatever reason, she made the decision to not be with you. She may regret it. It sounds as if you've really bounced back and are doing well with looking out for yourself (working out etc...).

 

Do yourself a favor and don't try to figure out why she did what she did. I think no matter who you are, there are always going to be unanswered questions. There are circumstances when it is clear but, I think more often than not, the dumpee will always sit and try to figure out what was going through their exes head at the time. You'll drive yourself insane if you try to figure it out.

 

Leave her be for now, let her experience life without you for a while. In the meantime, concentrate on yourself, clear your head and if things don't work out between you and your girl, at least you'll have a clear head to move on. When you meet somebody else, you'll be ready for it.

 

Take it from a fellow New Yorker (well, ex, I moved from L.I. a while ago), don't worry about not meeting somebody, it will happen. Your 36, it's just a matter of time before, you meet sombody, spend some time together and then settle down.

 

All the best!!

[sedgwick]

I, too, live in NYC. I, too, am 36 and recently dumped. I really thought I was just about the best girlfriend ever. I certainly made an effort to be. Everything seemed to be going great, and then one morning he just took off. I've been doing the same thing as you, the head constantly spinning, for four months now.

 

I have decided there are no men who want relationships; ultimately, they all just want to run from commitment. So it's really nice to see a guy here who says he actually does want a relationship. I've been thinking: I'm 36, I'm too old, all the men my age worth having are taken or gay, nobody will ever love me like I love them. I've been dumped more times than I can count. But I guess we both just have to keep believing, huh? Hang in there. There ARE women out here who VERY MUCH want relationships!!

[SYRACUSE03]

Thanks for all the good advice and input! Unfortunately I have some personality flaws that make things harder. I'm stubborn and it's very hard for me just to let go without reason. I know I should but I make it harder on myself and I know it. I really need to get a new perspective on myself because whatever I did, caused her to leave. I guess I think of it more and more because her birthday that had just passed, Thanksgiving this week and Christmas is around the corner. I'm pretty resilient but for some reason, she really got me and I run through way more tough days than better ones.

 

sedgwick...We are never too old to find a relationship but it does get harder. At least in NYC, there is more opportunity to thrive so take advantage of that. As for relationships, the most satisfying thing to most people is human companionship. It's not money, fame, etc. What is the use of all that stuff if you have no one to enjoy it with. At least that's my take on it.

 

Just my two cents...my story, like many others, is why many guys shy away from committment and I'm sure I will have tons of reservations down the road but I hope not. I really dropped my guard with the ex and it came back to burn me. After reading tons of posts on this board, I see that the women "walk away" much more than the men. I'm just really exhausted from putting effort into something only to see no results. All I see is her walking away and shutting out the last 4 1/2 years without a problem. The way she had treated me, loving the majority of the time, I would have never have guessed she was capable of doing this. Thanks again for everyone looking at this...it helps a lot.

[ncpd25]

Hey Syracuse,

Don't beat yourself up and blame yourself. I too, did that only to realize later that my ex did nothing but lie to me the entire time we were together. I even found things out about her after the break-up. Nonetheless, I truly believed I wasn't worthy of her and I really began to believe nobody would want to go out with me. Granted I have moments when I still feel disappointed things didn't work but, I'd rather be alone for all the right reasons then with somebody for all the wrong reasons.

 

I'm past those feelings for the most part. Of course I'm not perfect but the way I see it is, if somebody truly cares about you, there going to accept you as a whole person. I suppose we all have habits etc... that may not be perfect but, I've always accepted anybody I dated as a whole person. I wouldn't pick them apart.

 

So, don't sit back and blame yourself and say you're the reason she left. The two of you were together for 4 1/2 years. That's some pretty substantial time. I think if everybody left their significant other because of one or two things, everybody would be single.

 

By the way, Sedgwick-

I appreciated your post when you told me, my ex probably hasn't forgotten me. You sounded so confident that she thinks about me!!

Another New Yorker- God Love Ya!!!

[SYRACUSE03]

You are right...4 1/2 years is a long time and I'm sure that there is a bunch of reasons why she left. I just don't know them. Not to sound like I'm beating myself up but people don't leave happy relationships. So there has to be something that made her unhappy, distant and unattracted to me. I'm sure I can name a few that I already know.

 

Unless I am naive, she's always been good to me during our relationship. Always calling, texting, being around, wanting to spend time so I can't fault her at all for that. Even when we were broken up the last couple of months, she called, we hung out and we have mutual friends that we talk to and I know that she's not with anyone or at least not until late October. I do wish that I made a positive impact in her life and as Sedgwick told you before, I hope she does think of me and hasn't forgotten. Thanks once again.

[SandyRose]

You're doing the right thing by maintaing NC. Let her see what it's like to miss you, and not have you around. It'll happen soon, and she will have those thoughts. If she did end the relationship because she met someone else...she will eventually compare him to you...and see what's missing.

 

All those times you went out with her, and contacted her, etc...she felt no guilt over the break up. She viewed it as you being okay with it, and life goes on. If she feels no guilt, she's not going to feel bad. Backing away from her, and dissapearing for a while, will send some thoughts through her mind. And either she will just let them go and move on...or she may come back to you....but don't count on the latter. You're doing great already.

 

You're doing what i did too. I beat myself up thinking about why he dumped me..what did i do wrong? I was a terrific gf, i did everything right, i was a good person...etc etc. But i did have a bit of a stubborn nature also....so did he! He were both very head strong.

 

But backing away will make her think. She will start to wonder what's going on with you...she will be curious. You do not have to tell her anything...don't!! It's the curiosity in her to see if you're still hung up on her and that's why you're single...or if you're coupled up, and let go of her so easily.

 

Girls have sneaky ways of seeing if guys care....best thing to do is just walk away...enjoy your life. I'm 26 and i'm ready to settle down too. I want to get married and have kids...and if he wasn't the one for me...oh well. I have a mission..and that's to find the most suitable partner for the rest of my life. That too is your mission. Don't sell yourself short.

 

You mentioned the fact that you attended many weddings together and saw married couples with kids, etc. Maybe she wants that too...but perhaps she got scared...she might want time away to see if that's what she wants right now...maybe she is thinking about if she really feels you both can be together forever.

 

I've learned that the dumper doesn't get over a break up so easily either. My ex is finding it hard himself..which is why he's made attempts to contact me lately. It's a tough gig especially if you've been together for a long long time.

 

Just give it time, but don't put all your eggs in one basket. You have a lot going for you now, you should be happy....miss.right, might be right around that corner!!

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Just my two cents...my story, like many others, is why many guys shy away from committment and I'm sure I will have tons of reservations down the road but I hope not. I really dropped my guard with the ex and it came back to burn me. After reading tons of posts on this board, I see that the women "walk away" much more than the men. I'm just really exhausted from putting effort into something only to see no results. All I see is her walking away and shutting out the last 4 1/2 years without a problem. The way she had treated me, loving the majority of the time, I would have never have guessed she was capable of doing this. Thanks again for everyone looking at this...it helps a lot.

 

SYRACUSE03 - You seem like a really great guy who is quite hurt right now. But your above statement, although, your opinion, is not actually true.

 

Women will work (while in a relationship) and do whatever it takes to make their men happy. They will change (may not be a good thing), compromise, give up stuff - just to make the relationship smooth and good.

 

Men tend to like a status quo. If it's not broken don't change or fix it. Don't know why exactly, but I think the guy thinks she's with me 'cause everything is great.

 

Then, when the woman has had enough compromising, giving and doing - she evaluates her position and decides that he may bring her to tears more than joy. That the relationship is more work or an anchor than an uplifting experience.

 

At this point, she leaves. Leaving the man crushed because he feels blindsided. When, it was just two people living separate lives and relationship within the same relationship.

[SYRACUSE03]

SandyRose...great post. It really helped me this morning! Thank you! I do not expect her to come back. However, at times I felt that things were really positive only a few weeks ago. We went away and she was such a joy to be with. Attentive, receptive, etc. I enjoyed her company and she said she enjoyed being with me. I absolutely made sure that I didn't perceive it as the cure all and that things were fixed. When I went to her house on 10/17, I noticed that she still had a picture of us in her living room and a current one in her bedroom mirror. After I left, I felt good but was confused as hell. I put away all her pictures and other stuff before then. Also, it's really hard to compete at 36. I'm sure that a very attractive 26 year old has better options and opportunities. I'm not slamming myself, I'm just being a realist.

 

I'm sure that the weddings and functions have a lot to do with it. I do know that I showed contentment which she may have taken as "this is as far as it goes". I cannot blame her for that, that part was up to me and I didn't act. As far as thinking about me, I don't know. When she left, she went back with her mother. Her mother is a great person, they have a great relationship, and she bends over backwards for her. So when she gets home from work, she has a great support system. I have family that I talk to and friends I call but at the end of the day, I come home, alone, and to an empty house which makes it very difficult at night.

 

Thanks so much for everyones input...it gets me through some tough days!

[FindingMyselfAgain]

Blue Eyed Brain, marry me.

[SYRACUSE03]

Blue Eyed Brain...thanks for the compliments and you are absolutely right. I am very hurt and I wish I would have acted instead of "going with the flow". It is true, or at least in my case, that the status quo was good enough when it certainly was not. She did work hard, very hard in the beginning and it did not go unnoticed. I always supported her and her efforts. I do not wish to think that there were tears when she was with me but I'm sure she put up with a lot of my imperfections and was tired of the everyday basic routine. As much as people tell me to keep things spontaneous, I failed to do that. I hope that deep down she still cares and knows that I never did anything to hurt her or intentionally push her away. In my defense, prior to the break up, I was working shift work, double shifts, holidays, etc. Then in August, I took a promotion which would allow me to lead a "normal" life and spend more time with her. She was so receptive. We had a good few weeks together, she bought me new clothes for work and three weeks later she left. I would like to think that her efforts over the past few months of contact were sincere but she just couldn't find the attraction. It's difficult to take because she has never had a problem being attracted to me. Sorry for the rant and thanks again for everyones help. Time to re-evaluate myself and get to the root of it all...if I ever can.

[Sw3etdev1L]

the thing is, no women want a man of 36 who is afraid of committment and who is not really sure of what he wants...that's the truth

[SYRACUSE03]

So I'm supposed to be a mind reader? Trust me, I have been beating myself up. Not once did she ever sit down with me and discuss marriage. I'm sure that is what she is thinking but if that were the case now, I'd be going through a divorce and not a break up. If she doesn't love me or love who I am anymore, a ring would not have changed it. I know what I want but I can't impose my feelings on someone else. It all comes down to communication and I am just as guilty and that's something I need to improve on. However, thanks for your honest opinion.

[Trialbyfire]

Marriage is the natural progression in an LTR. The average female psychy believes this:

 

If he really loved me, he would ask me to marry him. I shouldn't have to broach the subject.

[SYRACUSE03]

I appreciate your comments and insight. I don't think that marriage was the answer or the cure all. Even if I did ask her to marry me and she said yes, how long does it take her to realize that I am the same person before I asked the question and she changes her mind. I'm sure I would have done some things different but overall I know I made the fatal mistake of just being content while that was not enough for her. I wholeheartedly respect her decision for wanting to have a future but I would much more respect the fact if she would communicate her feelings to me. Maybe I'm an idiot but life teaches us tough lessons and I guess I'm still learning. Thanks again for responding.

[SYRACUSE03]

Any advice for getting through the Holiday week? It's just a little tougher the last few days than it has been. There is only so many hours in the day to work so eventually it'll catch up to me. Thanks.