"Im not ready" phenomenon

November 19, 2007

You won't have to go through it if you don't move in with him before you are married. The only thing living together does is it teaches you how to share space, how to be roommates. It's nowhere near the same level of commitment as marriage.

You already know you want to marry him and will say yes when he asks. So why commit yourself by moving in with him, if he isn't ready to commit to you? Wait for the commitment. And if it doesn't come, then you can walk away without having to move your whole world around.

And I would not recommend buying a piece of property together until you are married. A mortgage is a 30 year financial commitment. If you (or he) decides later that you can't be married for some reason and decide to break up, then you have to sell the property because neither of you will be able to buy the other out to keep the place.

Thank you so much for the advice. This is very confusing because I'm so torn. I love my bf, I want to live with him. The issue is that when I come home in May I have 3 options: a) move in with my bf, b) live in my house and spend a few nights a week with my bf, or c) get my own apartment.

Option B and C aren't really that appealing, mainly because my bf wants me to spend every night over there usually (and I want to too), and its really hard living out of two places. I do it over school breaks and I hate it. Option C would be an option, however I wont have much money if I have to pay for a whole apartment by myself because I'm not going to make very much until I get some experience. And our relationship is going good and we want to be together, and we love each other. I really want to live with him, but I want to know that he is going to be looking to get engaged within the next year or so, and I'm not sure how to find that out.

November 19, 2007

What's more important to you? The convenience of living with him, or being married to him?

Stand on your own two feet until he wants to stand with you as your husband.

November 19, 2007

I waited for 11 years. We lived together for 5 of them. I finally got fed up and packed up and moved out of the state all together. Waiting sucks, but I allowed it to happen. I'm glad I wised up and started over. I'm still a little bitter that I wasted all of my 20's with this guy, but hell, at least I learned a lot about what I won't accept next time around. Living together before engagement will not be something I'm willing to do again.

The statistics on cohabitating before marriage are a bit scary, but remember correlation does not imply causation. No one is sure exactly why these two things are related, just that they are. But cohabitating once engaged has a much lower rate of divorce than not being engaged first.

November 19, 2007

What's more important to you? The convenience of living with him, or being married to him?

Stand on your own two feet until he wants to stand with you as your husband.

Great post, NJ.

I don't actually believe in the whole "I'm not ready" thing myself. My feelings are if they are as into you as you are into them they are always ready.

I also agree with Art. What is the benefit of marriage to a man if he's already got you there doing all the things a wife would do without the ring?? There is none.

November 19, 2007

Thanks for replying. We have been together around 16 months now which isn't really terribly long in the grand scheme of things. If he isn't ready to propose thats ok, I want to finish school and get a job before thinking about those things, which will be next summer. I don't know how he feels about where marriage fits into his plans. I'm thinking about just asking him, not pressuring him, but since the whole thing with the house came up last night (he really wants to buy a house) I'm just wondering where marriage would fit into there. If next year he proposes, even around this time I'd be fine, however my fear is that we will move in together and then I'll be waiting around for years and years, like my freinds and other people who have posted on here.

What do other people think about this whole thing?

November 19, 2007

Did you propose because you knew she wanted to get married, or were you the driver?

I was ready, I thought she was ready... she said yes. I was 37 she was 35, seemed like a really good time to make it real and forever. So no I wasn't pushed into it at all.

It was at the top of a lighthouse and I asked her "Are you ready for the rest of your life?" and handed her the ring.

Apparently she wasn't...

Oh well..

November 19, 2007

My opinion on the living together before marriage, from my experience..

When you get married there's usually some expectation of a big change, something kind of momentous in some way.

If you've already lived together for a few years there's no big change other than the official one. So you plan this huge event, go on your honeymonn, get home and... it's all the same.

So.. as usual it's about expectations. I would not recommend living togther very long before marriage unless you are very realistic about how marriage will change or NOT change your relationship.

November 19, 2007

My opinion on the living together before marriage, from my experience..

When you get married there's usually some expectation of a big change, something kind of momentous in some way.

If you've already lived together for a few years there's no big change other than the official one. So you plan this huge event, go on your honeymonn, get home and... it's all the same.

So.. as usual it's about expectations. I would not recommend living togther very long before marriage unless you are very realistic about how marriage will change or NOT change your relationship.

I don't have a problem living together before marriage..however I don't want to be in a situation where that is going to be prolonged. I would like to at least have an expectation of getting engaged in the near future. I made my feelings clear to my bf about buying a house before getting married and i'm going to stick to it. So if he wants a house with me, he's going to have to marry me first! Moving into together scares me a little, just on the fact that i don't want to be waiting around for a proposal forever. Since this isn't really happening until June I'm going to broach the subject of marriage/engagment closer towards then to find out what his feelings are.

November 19, 2007

Hey guys, I found an awesome article on cohabitation. Check it out, and share what you think.

http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/SWLT2%20TEXT.htm

November 19, 2007

If you've never lived alone or on your own with roommates before, paying your own way for everything you absolutely should do it for at least a year or two at least. You wil never regret it and have a lot of life still ahead of you to think about marriage.

November 19, 2007

If you've never lived alone or on your own with roommates before, paying your own way for everything you absolutely should do it for at least a year or two at least. You wil never regret it and have a lot of life still ahead of you to think about marriage.

Very true..I have lived on my own for almost 2 years now and I know I can be independent. My bf lives alone as well, and he is always saying that his apartment is lonely when I am not there, and I feel the same way about mine. I was really excited about living together, but I'm starting to second guess it now. Ah man.

November 19, 2007

I really think it does.

My best friend waited and waited and waited. My other friend is STILL waiting. When I lived with my ex, I waited and waited and waited.

If they're getting everything they need while living together other than certain legal rights, what real incentive to they have to get hitched?

I disagree with this, I think it just depends on the guy and the relationship. It's not about what you "get" while living together, it's about the guy wanting you to be his wife.

Women wait and wait to get married because they have a romanticized idea of marriage and think it's something they should want from a guy after dating him for a year or less. Men want to wait because marriage is a huge deal and they look at it more rationally than women do (sorry I know it's a sexist generalization but I feel like women usually approach marriage in a different way than men)

For a couple that starts dating in their early/mid twenties I think waiting is a great choice. If marriage is important to the couple there should be some sort of marriage related plan/timeline that they both are serious about. However, getting together at 22, married by 24 is just foolish to me.

November 19, 2007

I feel that living together at age 22 - 25, is foolish. These are the years you should learn about yourself, support yourself or go to school, and date around.

November 19, 2007

For a couple that starts dating in their early/mid twenties I think waiting is a great choice. If marriage is important to the couple there should be some sort of marriage related plan/timeline that they both are serious about. However, getting together at 22, married by 24 is just foolish to me.

I agree with this notion. However, there are the cases where the guy keeps stalling and saying he is going to propose, yet doesn't. I'm curious to see why this is, or what is the reason behind it. You should have a timeline before moving into so one person isn't waiting and waiting. However getting stuck in a situation like my friend is in, could always happen as well. It's scary!!!

November 19, 2007

I agree with this notion. However, there are the cases where the guy keeps stalling and saying he is going to propose, yet doesn't. I'm curious to see why this is, or what is the reason behind it. You should have a timeline before moving into so one person isn't waiting and waiting. However getting stuck in a situation like my friend is in, could always happen as well. It's scary!!!

There were distinct times when I knew, somehow, that she was not the one. I dunno what that is... it's funny cuz I think on some level no girl will ever live up to her.

November 19, 2007

I feel that living together at age 22 - 25, is foolish. These are the years you should learn about yourself, support yourself or go to school, and date around.

I don't, not at all. I think after college it's not a bad idea at all. Moving in with a man at 25, marriage at 28, a child at 31 looks like a perfectly reasonable time frame for a couple who wants to marry and have a family

I was 23, almost 24 when I moved in with my bf, he was 26. I'm glad we made the decision to live together, it was, and still is right for us

I'm also glad that neither of us have lived with a partner before

I agree with this notion. However, there are the cases where the guy keeps stalling and saying he is going to propose, yet doesn't. I'm curious to see why this is, or what is the reason behind it. You should have a timeline before moving into so one person isn't waiting and waiting. However getting stuck in a situation like my friend is in, could always happen as well. It's scary!!!

I feel like it's one of those things you can't totally prevent. Your best bet at not being in a relationship that drags on and on without going anywhere is to have mutually agreed upon plans, and to put effort in to keeping your relationship happy and healthy.

I think men are pressured so much about marriage that they feel backed against a wall and say that they're going to propose soon when in reality they aren't ready. Women put pressure on them with "when? when? when?" so the guy, not knowing what to do just replies with "soon, soon, soon"

November 19, 2007

I don't, not at all. I think after college it's not a bad idea at all. Moving in with a man at 25, marriage at 28, a child at 31 looks like a perfectly reasonable time frame for a couple who wants to marry and have a family

I was 23, almost 24 when I moved in with my bf, he was 26. I'm glad we made the decision to live together, it was, and still is right for us

I'm also glad that neither of us have lived with a partner before

Since you two aren't engaged or anything, did you agree upon a time when you are going to get engaged/married? I'm just curious to hear opinions from people who are/have lived together without being engaged.

November 19, 2007

Since you two aren't engaged or anything, did you agree upon a time when you are going to get engaged/married? I'm just curious to hear opinions from people who are/have lived together without being engaged.

Yes we both want to get married, to each other in the near future. In February it will be a year since we moved in together, he will be 28 and I almost 25. In summer of '08 we will celebrate out 2 year anniversary.

I am not in a rush to get engaged or married but we have seriously discussed it. I'm still pretty fresh out of school and a bit unsure about what I'm doing next. The focus right now is my future and deciding on a plan. Once we both know what I'm doing we will focus on marriage and getting a house.

I have to decide about grad school yearly next year and by spring things will be steady (I will ether stay at my job and take a higher position or be enrolled in and going to grad school) If all goes according to plan we plan to get engaged some time in '08.

Though I'm not very marriage focused right now it is something I want, I also want a man who loves me enough to make me his wife. I would not remain living with a bf for 5+ years IF I felt like we were ready to marry years ago. My bf knows my feelings on the subject and agrees.

November 19, 2007

Yes we both want to get married, to each other in the near future. In February it will be a year since we moved in together, he will be 28 and I almost 25. In summer of '08 we will celebrate out 2 year anniversary.

I am not in a rush to get engaged or married but we have seriously discussed it. I'm still pretty fresh out of school and a bit unsure about what I'm doing next. The focus right now is my future and deciding on a plan. Once we both know what I'm doing we will focus on marriage and getting a house.

I have to decide about grad school yearly next year and by spring things will be steady (I will ether stay at my job and take a higher position or be enrolled in and going to grad school) If all goes according to plan we plan to get engaged some time in '08.

Though I'm not very marriage focused right now it is something I want, I also want a man who loves me enough to make me his wife. I would not remain living with a bf for 5+ years IF I felt like we were ready to marry years ago. My bf knows my feelings on the subject and agrees.

Thanks for replying. If you read some of my other posts, my situation is sort of a confusing one. My bf and I talk about a future together, however we don't discuss engagment/marriage in detail or even in terms of when it would happen. We are talking about moving in together in late May, but I don't want to do that unless there are plans for engagement and marriage in the near future. However, I don't want to make him think I am pressuring him or anything. I'm almost 25 and he is almost 26, but he is now out of school and has a career and I will be graduating with my Masters in May and looking to start my career. I feel like I would like to get engaged and married within the next few years after that, and I don't want to get stuck in a situation where i'm waiting around for a proposal that isn't going to come. Do you have any advice?

November 19, 2007

Thanks for replying. If you read some of my other posts, my situation is sort of a confusing one. My bf and I talk about a future together, however we don't discuss engagment/marriage in detail or even in terms of when it would happen. We are talking about moving in together in late May, but I don't want to do that unless there are plans for engagement and marriage in the near future. However, I don't want to make him think I am pressuring him or anything. I'm almost 25 and he is almost 26, but he is now out of school and has a career and I will be graduating with my Masters in May and looking to start my career. I feel like I would like to get engaged and married within the next few years after that, and I don't want to get stuck in a situation where i'm waiting around for a proposal that isn't going to come. Do you have any advice?

I think I'm fairly familiar with your situation, I remember many of your posts but I'm not sure of certain details so sorry if I ask things you've answered.

How did you guys come to the conclusion that you wanted to move in together in May? Are you both equally committed to the idea? Have you told him how you feel about marriage and moving in?

I'm really in to plain, blunt honesty. I think the best thing would be for you to say "I'm really excited about moving in with you in May, however, to me moving in is a huge step that to me should end in marriage. I don't want to pressure or rush you but before moving in with you I need you to honestly tell me if and when you see us getting engaged" or something like this.

I think you both need to know the other's bottom line. He needs to know that you need him to be serious and honest about a time frame. Hopefully he'll be able to give you one or fess up if he really doesn't know. If you want to move in with him only if it will without a doubt end in marriage within a certain time frame he needs to know that.

November 19, 2007

I think I'm fairly familiar with your situation, I remember many of your posts but I'm not sure of certain details so sorry if I ask things you've answered.

How did you guys come to the conclusion that you wanted to move in together in May? Are you both equally committed to the idea? Have you told him how you feel about marriage and moving in?

I'm really in to plain, blunt honesty. I think the best thing would be for you to say "I'm really excited about moving in with you in May, however, to me moving in is a huge step that to me should end in marriage. I don't want to pressure or rush you but before moving in with you I need you to honestly tell me if and when you see us getting engaged" or something like this.

I think you both need to know the other's bottom line. He needs to know that you need him to be serious and honest about a time frame. Hopefully he'll be able to give you one or fess up if he really doesn't know. If you want to move in with him only if it will without a doubt end in marriage within a certain time frame he needs to know that.

Well, I am graduating in May with my masters degree. My lease ends and I will be moving back to where my boyfriend lives (which is where i'm from, my parents live there as well). His lease ends at the same time mine does. He got a new job that is far from where he lives now, so he watned to get a place closer. I'm trying to get a job for next summer and since neither of us really like living alone and we miss each other so much we talked about moving in together into a new apartment that we both pick out. Yes, we are committed to the idea too, it's something we both want.

However, I have not told him my feelings and marriage. He's so weird about the subject. I'm guessing he's not ready, and I don't really mind that much because I'm not in a rush. But because he is so weird about he subject, it frightens me to move in with him because I'm afraid it will be a situation where we are fighting all the time because he is ready and I am not. I'm afraid talking to him about my feelings about marriage will make him think i'm pressuring him and he'll freak out.

November 19, 2007

However, I have not told him my feelings and marriage. He's so weird about the subject. I'm guessing he's not ready, and I don't really mind that much because I'm not in a rush. But because he is so weird about he subject, it frightens me to move in with him because I'm afraid it will be a situation where we are fighting all the time because he is ready and I am not. I'm afraid talking to him about my feelings about marriage will make him think i'm pressuring him and he'll freak out.

I find this part a little concerning. I really think that in a situation where you are going to be living with someone and want to marry them you shouldn't be afraid to talk about the future. It isn't healthy to avoid topics because your SO gets "weird" about them, if he's your partner in life you should be able to talk about anything. I really think that before moving in together you should talk to him about this. Do it in a non pressuring way but you have the right to know what's going on.

November 19, 2007

I find this part a little concerning. I really think that in a situation where you are going to be living with someone and want to marry them you shouldn't be afraid to talk about the future. It isn't healthy to avoid topics because your SO gets "weird" about them, if he's your partner in life you should be able to talk about anything. I really think that before moving in together you should talk to him about this. Do it in a non pressuring way but you have the right to know what's going on.

Yeah, I suppose I do. I can talk to my bf about anything really, we communicate well. I've been trying to think of a non pressuring way to do it, because I would like to see where marriage fits in the picture for him. About 4 or 5 months ago we went over these questions (his idea) about compatibility and future events. We both agreed that we would want to have children in like 3 to 4 years, but there weren't any questions about timelines for marriage (actually it was a quiz from the perspective that you are already engaged which he didn't tell me that, until I looked at the website), so I assume they just figured that you already had plans for that. You are right though I do have the right to know, I'm trying to think of a way to talk to him about it thats non-threatening and non-pressuring.

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"Im not ready" phenomenon

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