Ex won't leave me alone!

[D&S]

Hey..

 

I posted recently (on the Friends & Lovers forum) about breaking up with my boyfriend on a hunch that a crush was going to be mutual... now I've got problems with the ex.

 

Background story is that I was away for six weeks on training, met someone else and broke up with my boyfriend (whom I fell out of love with ages ago, but was sharing a flat with because I was afraid to tell him so).

 

I have a group of close friends, about ten of us, whom I've known for three years. I'd introduced my ex to them a year ago and they've become friends through me and traded numbers etc. Bad move - my ex went and cried in front of them and bad-mouthed me in front of all of them at one of their birthday parties, and has been calling them up to meet up etc.

 

The problem is that I have told my friends my side of the story and explained to them why I did what I did, whereas my ex has tried to get sympathy from them - and succeeded. My friends have been inviting him out while I wasn't around, and even now (as I am out of the country on work again) are still asking him out to events.

 

One of my friends complicated things - he told me some nasty things that my ex apparently said, but I found out later (from another mutual friend) that they weren't true, and vice versa! I don't know who to trust now and I feel really uncomfortable with about half of this group of friends, mainly the ones who are sympathetic to him.

 

I don't know what to do now. To stop seeing my friends completely would be disloyal and be unfair to me, whereas I can't ever bring my current bf out to meet them which is unfair to him. My ex has already got a new gf but still keeps trying to talk to my friends - he used to say he didn't have any real friends, I've always been the one organising our social life - and it frustrates me that my friends are putting us both on equal ground!

 

I don't believe in airing my dirty laundry among my friends, and I've explained to them once before about how I felt and why I did what I did, and that I was talking to my ex to console him. I even got threatened and am paying my full share of the rent for the room that my ex now lives in by himself (and which he brings his gf back to, without her knowing I pay for half of it!). I have got a raw deal, paying rent for nothing (I signed a 6-month contract) and having my friends see me differently. Plus my ex keeps calling me every other day or talking to me on MSN for more than half an hour each time, and keeps asking me to explain what went wrong. I give him my explanations but he's never happy and I have to change my story, then he picks me apart for that. I can't just ignore him either because he'll say I'm rude, and then complain to my friends who have to pick up the pieces for me. I feel like I'm putting in my fair share of effort but I'm only getting crap in return.

 

What should I do? Some of my friends have been acting a bit strange towards me and it's probably because of this whole saga.

 

Please just say what you think about all this. I'd like to have some opinions from people not directly involved in this.. thanks :[

[Krytie TV]

Nothing you can do about drama but get new friends. That's the only power you have in this situation.

[Lee725]

If you can afford to pay out the rest of your part of the lease to the estate agent.

You are paying for it anyway, so if you want to sort this out, pay the rent out, tell them you no longer live there. Leave the rest up to him and his new GF.

 

If your friends are participating in gossip which is bouncing back and forth between you and the ex - how can you really call them friends?

Dont get invloved in the whole "he said she said" crap, it will only make things worse.

 

Establish new friendships, move away from that crowd, it does not mean that you will have to stop talking to them all together, just keep the conversations light hearted and avoid discussions in regards to private matters.

 

You have moved on with your new BF, so pull yourself away from any source of frustration at this point and look forward to the future.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You know what in your first line you even said you cheated on him and left him for another man. So what you expected to walk away from the situation unscathed?

 

This is what happens when you sometimes play with people's emotions. Next time you probably will learn how to leave a relationship with diginity and respect.

 

If you fell out of love with him in the past why did the relationship continue? Why didnt you approach him on the real and just honestly spoke to him asking to see other people or something else? Why hurt him by leaving for someone else.

 

The reason your friends is picking his side is because if they look at it logically your the bad one. You ruined things and on top of that you look like the cheater. Dont be so surprised.

 

I'm sorry things turned out the way they did. But right now, just focus on your life and getting that back on track and apologize to the ex. maybe if you did it would make things right? just a suggestion.

[Uhriventis]

You know what in your first line you even said you cheated on him and left him for another man. So what you expected to walk away from the situation unscathed?

 

This is what happens when you sometimes play with people's emotions. Next time you probably will learn how to leave a relationship with diginity and respect.

 

If you fell out of love with him in the past why did the relationship continue? Why didnt you approach him on the real and just honestly spoke to him asking to see other people or something else? Why hurt him by leaving for someone else.

 

The reason your friends is picking his side is because if they look at it logically your the bad one. You ruined things and on top of that you look like the cheater. Dont be so surprised.

 

I'm sorry things turned out the way they did. But right now, just focus on your life and getting that back on track and apologize to the ex. maybe if you did it would make things right? just a suggestion.

 

This is 10000000% absolutely right and have nothing more to add. Karma is a bitch...

[Lee725]

Background story is that I was away for six weeks on training, met someone else and broke up with my boyfriend (whom I fell out of love with ages ago, but was sharing a flat with because I was afraid to tell him so).

 

 

Please clarify D&S did you break up with your boyfriend before or after anything happened with the new guy you met at training?

[D&S]

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

Yeah I've just been keeping things light-hearted with my friends... Will have to make new ones I guess, but I don't want to lose them.

 

In response to whether I cheated: not at all. I'd known this other guy but hadn't really felt anything for him till four or five days before I broke up with my ex. We just hung out together with all the other people in my group, not even alone or anything. We'd talked a few times before, but neither of us had done anything. I was taking a chance that he might actually like me, and broke up with my ex before anything happened.

 

He asked me out a few days afterwards, I felt like I'd done the right thing by having broken up first.

 

I have apologised to the ex countless times.. he's been calling me and I've been trying to explain things but it's never enough for him. I feel like I've given him enough of my time and effort (read: almost every other day, for more than half an hour at a go).

 

I know I could have left earlier - that I've been wrong on, dragging it out.

But I couldn't have asked his permission to see someone else since I'd broken up with him before I even knew for sure I was going to be seeing someone else.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

Yeah I've just been keeping things light-hearted with my friends... Will have to make new ones I guess, but I don't want to lose them.

 

In response to whether I cheated: not at all. I'd known this other guy but hadn't really felt anything for him till four or five days before I broke up with my ex. We just hung out together with all the other people in my group, not even alone or anything. We'd talked a few times before, but neither of us had done anything. I was taking a chance that he might actually like me, and broke up with my ex before anything happened.

 

He asked me out a few days afterwards, I felt like I'd done the right thing by having broken up first.

 

I have apologised to the ex countless times.. he's been calling me and I've been trying to explain things but it's never enough for him. I feel like I've given him enough of my time and effort (read: almost every other day, for more than half an hour at a go).

 

I know I could have left earlier - that I've been wrong on, dragging it out.

But I couldn't have asked his permission to see someone else since I'd broken up with him before I even knew for sure I was going to be seeing someone else.

 

"I fell out of love with him a long time ago!!!"

 

If that was the case why didnt you correct it then? Why did you drag it out for as long as you did! and come to find out yeah you probably left him for another guy but through his eyes it looked like an emotional affair, and you dont even see it. How could you automatically begin a relationship with a man so soon after leaving your boyfriend? Do you see what we're pointing out here?!

 

I think you should apologize to your friends as well and tell them what happened.

 

I want you to ask them why do they hate you?

 

There's something they see that you dont.

 

Something isnt right. They might be mad because from the looks of things it appears you moved on too easily and he had to suffer and think why it ended. To him it probably came as a shock and you never gavee him a chance to fix things. He was probably still in love with you and you broke his heart. Maybe alot of your mutual friends sypathized with him because they knew what that was like. People who experience pain understand others who have went through it.

 

I dont know what else to say.

 

I think maybe you should just make your peace with everyone, bow out gracefully and work on yourself so that way when you have issues with your SO you can communicate them before they ruin it!

[oppath]

I don't think you did anything extremely wrong D&S, but I certainly agree with what Chrome Barracuda says too. From an outsiders perspective, your ex was ****ed over. It doesn't sound like you ever communicated to him what the problems were earlier, so the breakup to him likely came out of the blue, and whallah...you are suddenly dating another guy you were getting close to and hanging out with before the breakup.

 

None of that is necessarily wrong, there is no perfect way to end a relationship and the dumped person will always find flaws.

 

If your friends, however, also liked your BF, they aren't just going to dump him. Like CB said: they probably understand his pain because they have been through it. He's not stealing or involving your friends. He's just turning to people for support.

 

Try to keep things civil, this will blow over in time.

 

I was in a similar situation...my ex gf's ex boyfriend proposed to her when he learned about me...and they had an existing friendship she never terminated. How he did not know about me when she dated me 6 months is beyond me, but she started acting distant, and all of a sudden "was not emotionally ready for a relationship." I learned about her ex a couple weeks later and went ape**** and yes, her friends, some of who were my friends, got involved. Obviously, from my eyes he was the reason (though she persisted he was not and she was thinking about it before him), and considering they did hang out behind my back, and did so several times actually, I felt like she cheated on me, and that she didn't even address the areas of the relationship that needed to change.

 

Some of her friends sided with me but that did not mean they hated her. Their attitude was "well, she messed up, you are still a good guy, you are still our friend too."

 

I applaud you that you have apologized and tried to make amends, something my ex never did. The last words she ever said to me were "I was just joking" when I angrily turned down her offer to be friends with benefits, something that upset me so deeply, that her friends had to tell me "there is something you don't know."

[sderenzi]

What's the confusing part female? It's all so clear to me like the sky on a non-cloudy day You are a female, you sought a new male for mating purposes, this isn't wrong or anything it's ok. This man has marked you as his property, to him you are still somewhat his and emotionally he has ties to you. Socially however you are experiencing what happens when your lover hasn't any friends he takes the ones you have. This isn't wrong but it's the price you paid for being with him for those years, you can still get over it just explain to them he's your ex and you don't like him hanging around because he still has feelings for you. They'll say something trying to reach a middle-ground, you just accept the situation and bring that new BF around. It's not fair to anyone if they can't meet your new lover, and by doing this they'll see you are serious about the relationship being over.

 

Don't let others determine your actions, work with others and be a good gurl.

[Chrome Barracuda]

What's the confusing part female? It's all so clear to me like the sky on a non-cloudy day You are a female, you sought a new male for mating purposes, this isn't wrong or anything it's ok. This man has marked you as his property, to him you are still somewhat his and emotionally he has ties to you. Socially however you are experiencing what happens when your lover hasn't any friends he takes the ones you have. This isn't wrong but it's the price you paid for being with him for those years, you can still get over it just explain to them he's your ex and you don't like him hanging around because he still has feelings for you. They'll say something trying to reach a middle-ground, you just accept the situation and bring that new BF around. It's not fair to anyone if they can't meet your new lover, and by doing this they'll see you are serious about the relationship being over.

 

Don't let others determine your actions, work with others and be a good gurl.

 

WTF is you smoking??? lmao!

 

You make it sound like she isnt in the wrong here. Be a good girl? So not ending a relationship and healing before you begin a new one is being good huh?

 

If she gives ultimatims to her friends they may just go further away. I think within time if she's remorseful or repentant, they may accept the situation as it is. Right now it is fresh for everyone.

 

Your logic is just way off course Sderenzi!

 

You leave a relationship first, heal and then find someone else. You do not use, wait , abandon and jump into something else in 5-6 days after you break up!

[jdizzle]

Chrome Barracuda is right. What D&S did is pretty horrible. If you really did fall out of love a while ago, then you should've been honest and told him when it happened. You should explain this to him now if you haven't already. And you owe him an appology.

 

But life goes on and hopefully you will learn from this experience.

[sderenzi]

WTF is you smoking??? lmao!

Your logic is just way off course Sderenzi!

 

Logic? what logic?

 

Females usually do not wait to find a new man, they will couple with a new one even when they're still getting out of a relationship, this is due to womenly needs and is not to be helped. She was not right or wrong just being a women. This man must find new pussy to satisfy his needs, I would tell the girl bye and let her alone.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well in this case, what your saying it's just common nature for her to do what she did???

 

If that's the case, then your right, he needs to let it go and move on and leave her alone.

 

But I always dont believe it's in a woman's nature to cheat or jump from one to the next. It's a choice. You can control yourself and control your emotions but alot of woman cant. So they wont. I do agree on that.

[sderenzi]

Thank you, let us share a toast now to this girl and drink of the wine where we might someday find ourselves a good women